Marisa

Hi I'm new here, and looking for some direction my boyfriend of 3 years is struggling with drug addiction. He was sober for 14 months and relapsed just two days ago. He has a 15 year old son, and I have a 19 year old daughter and we all live together and have become a family. We'd been talking about getting married. The past 14 months was great, there was peace, stability, my boyfriend was attending meetings, then about two weeks ago he quit his job and then stopped going to meetings. And then the relapse.. I'm angry/hurt/scared and I don't know how to handle this. He tells me that I'm over reacting and I shouldn't be so upset, that he knows what he needs to do, it was "just a relapse". He didn't want to talk to me so he left to stay at his mom's so I'm left with our kids trying to keep some normalcy, but again I'm confused. Should I just leave him be to figurre it out? Do I talk to him about this, give him ultimatums?? But what's my role in this because I realize that in the end he's got to make his choices, but I don't want to just sit idle either. UGH!! I'm so confused, any input would really be appreciated

nutz

I'm sorry to hear what you're going thur.
My heart goes out to you.

No, you're not over reacting. If you wern't, I'd be more scared.
But talking to him about it at this piont will only make yourself
crazier , more up set, drain and confussed.
I'm sorry, he loves the drugs more than he loves you at this time.
I'm sorry, you will never be #1 in his life.
It's either going to be the drugs or a HIGHER POWER.
Have you tried nac-aon, alan-on or the family section in this forum
for surpport?

By taking actions with your life and not sitting for him to come
around or tried to figer it out, speaks much louder than words.
At the same time you do not have to be around the insanity
and sickness, which has already affected you. It is not an
ultimatum. At the end you still have to make your chioce.
He can never be #1 in your life.
DO NOT blame yourself for something you do not have control
over of. It's okay to be angery and scared, just don't stuff your feelings.
Cry if you have to, becuase it hurts like hell...belive me I know.
Try to focus on yourself and try to find your own happiness.
Maybe someday you might be able to share it with someone.
If it's not with him, it going to be with somebody , somehow.

Marisa

I've been thinking that maybe some sort of support group would be good for me to go too. It's so wired because my feelings are so up and down, mad and sad, but mostly way confused. I feel like I'm stuck in a box and I don't know how to get out. Does that even make sense? I need to figure out how to feel like I'm in control of me and seriously I don't know how. My boyfriend keeps calling me talking to me like it's just another day, and it's messing with my head because I know he's still using. He's saying that since I asked him to leave to go to his mom's that they are so busy over there getting ready for Christmas that he doesn't have time to start his recovery program again, but for sure he will after the holdiays .. At this point I try really hard not to answer his calls when I see his number come up and the caller id. Thanks for the input....

nutz

Heart broken .
The emotional roller coasters and the head spining.
To watch someone you love very much selfdestruct is not an
easy thing to do. In this way the disease is contageous.
I felt the same way when I first logged on to this site.
NUTZ was how I felt.lol
Worst...I'm a recoverying addict and relapes over it, after 11years
of recovery. It is not just a simple relapes. I became dysfuntional
extreemly fast. It was like I've had never stopped using for 11 years.
The self destruction, suicide thoughts, and denile came right back.
It was only thur another recoverying addict outside of the relationship
that my life was saved.

I had to recover from my addiction and from her.
I relized that I was co-dependant also.
We've gone thur serveral seperations already.
My healing begin only after I've learned how to LET GO, (again)
I had to get emotionally DETATCHED from her. It was accomplished
thur Grieving and walking thur my pain and embrassing it.
It was very hard for me to cry as hurted as I felt.
But as soon as I accepted things as they are and my feelings.
I broke down and the tears begin to fall. The tears were hot and
burt my eyes. My life was out of control, all my hope and dreams
had been gone down the tubes. I was truly hurted and didn't
know what the hell to do about all this mess. At the end of myself.
In the pit of despair, lost of all hopes. I freaken gave Up!
There at that moment something BIG, POWERFUL stepped in.
GRACES begin to heal me. I know that I'm not alone.
My broken heart was healed. I feel more loved than I could ever
hope for. Further more, I no longer had to fight my addiction,
her addiction or anything in my life anymore.
Confussed I was no longer.
Miracles, upon miracles happened since that moment.

gratefulgal

Marisa,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is tough love. Of course that's easier said than done but the worst thing you could do would be to enable him. He says he knows what he has to do so let him do it - be there to support him in his recovery, but he has to do the work - he is responsible for his own recovery. Does he have friends in AA/NA? If so, you may want to give one of them a call and let them reach out to him. Ultimately, though, he has to do the work and he's been there before, so he knows what's involved. Pray for him and as selfish as it may sound, you have to do what's best for you. You have to live your life, not his.