soberaccountant

I don't really know what I am other than a messed up person in the head. For awhile I thought maybe I had to be some kind of alcoholic or addict, but alcohol or drugs were never really all that appealing to me. Sure I made a stupid decision one night to go out and get drunk on an episode of depression, but 100 days being in AA convinced me otherwise that maybe I am not an alcoholic. Not saying that I am going back to drinking again--I'm not. But being that alcoholism and addiction are generally self-diagnosed(at least from what I am told), I can't really say I am much of one although I guess the potential can be there. It seems according to AA and everyone else that I have talked to that everyone has a potential to be an alcoholic or addict. I never had the triggers or the withdrawals that a lot of people talk about. But what I can tell you is that I made one really stupid mistake with alcohol once--drinking while depressed. For that reason I just choose not to drink anymore. I would rather not get another DUI the way I did that night and go through all the crap I am going through now to get through this. From my former sponsor, to AA regulars I met, to the alcohol/DUI counselor I have to talk to once a month and weekly in groups all pretty much say the same thing...making the choice I did that night doesn't make me anything other then a person who made a bad mistake. It could have ended badly, but I am glad it did not.

But you know...having people argue about whether or not I am anything doesn't really bother me at all. They'll never really know who I am, my story, why I am here today, they just won't know me all to well. Their opinions on this don't really bother me.

But you know what does bother me?

Being told that what I am feeling and how down and out I get sometimes is all in my head and nothing more.

I know its in my head. I wish I could think like others and believe everything is okay, or at least appear that way. I know what I am feeling isn't the norm. I know all of that already.

Will they take time to understand it? Will some of them continue to get upset at me the way they have sometimes?

I don't expect anyone to be around. I know I haven't been myself lately, especially these last few months. But what I can tell you is that I am trying....failing...but trying to be better mentally. Its not easy. I wish people would take the time to understand. These people being my so called family and friends. I wouldn't wish what I feel on anyone but maybe they need to go through what is going on in my head to understand why I am feeling this way. Maybe then they could help.

Until then...i'll just keep trying and i'll keep getting better at suffering in silence.

Fake it till you make it, right?

JD

Depression is like a lot of things. Unless you've experienced it you don't really get it. To people who don't suffer from depression it is easy to think you just change your mind set. Oh I wish it were that easy. But I've learned it's ok they don't get it. Heck, there are a lot of things I don't get too. As frustrating as it is for someone to tell you it's all in your mind or just toughen up (the one I heard the most from my family) it's still my choice on how I want to react to that. Some days it's easier than others to just let it go, but I work on that.

Soberwolf

I don't think your failing I feel bad for not realising I have seen you helping people on SR consistently and helping to inspire others with your experience through your posts

Im sorry your feeling like this know you have us bud

Centered3

Frank, are you in treatment for your depression?

I think what they mean by "it's all in your head" is that we can learn how to control our thoughts. CBT helps with that, as does doing the step work. The negative thoughts I have are just "thoughts". I learned finally to not give them any more power than that. I let them ebb and flow and don't get attached to them anymore. I tell myself they're lies. That is what helps me. Therapy + step work and learning what to do with my thoughts helped me a lot with my depression, as did SSRIs but that's just my experience.

It's very hard for friends/family and people in general to understand anything that they have not experienced themselves. It's not personal.

soberaccountant

Thanks everyone.
@jd1639: I have to accept that most of them will probably never get it, but part of me just wants to get angry and argue with them and tell them where to go. I’ve been there for them and their issues, why can’t they take the time to understand mine and be supportive in anyway?
@Soberwolf: I just have a desire to help, I feel it is my duty for all the times people on here and in the world have helped me to get through what I have experienced. I am sorry I feel this way too, I wish I was a stronger person.
@Centered3: “We can learn to control our thoughts”…in all honesty I have been trying that for years. My mind works like a broken record sometimes. I can try to tell myself, mentally or verbally, that what I am thinking and feeling is a lie but it just keeps playing itself over and over again. I don’t know how to stop the broken record, no matter what I do. I talk to myself, write it down, write lists that differentiate lies and truth, adding scripture to these truths to help me to believe them…but the thoughts and feelings just don’t go away. Step work. I am assuming AA and 12-step programs? I tried, and it ended up depressing me more. I won’t bash AA and 12-step programs; they work for a lot of people but didn’t work for me. I really tried to embrace the program and participate in every possible way, but it didn’t help me. The people who benefit from those, in my opinion, are alcoholics and addicts…not depressed people…not me. Therapy as in talking to a counselor? I don’t trust them, I really don’t. I only talk to this alcohol/DUI counselor because I have been told to do so for 3 months as part of my court sentence for DUI. Psychologists and the like in my opinion can all go to hell, especially after my elementary school forced me to see one because I was being bullied…only to be bullied by her as well. I had my redemption against her with the school district, but I’ll never trust them again. Anti-depressants? I don’t know. I took trazadone before to help me sleep but I did feel overall better after a few weeks of taking them. They’re old school and not really used for anti-depressant effects but it did help, but I am scared of them just like every other anti-depressant out there. I don’t trust modern anti-depressants and I don’t like taking pills if I don’t have to, and quite honestly I don’t want to. It took my doctor convincing me for years to take the anti-anxiety medication that I have at present(Xanax), and I rarely take those. I was last given 40 of them in May of 2015, I still have 20 of them today. I take medications as a last resort. I carry a medical marijuana recommendation for depression, which sincerely does help…judge me as you must but I trust it over anti-depressants any day, but even that I avoid…I just don’t want the crutch. I don’t want to be on drugs. I just want to be normal.

Centered3

Sounds like what I experience, which I was told was OCD, but that's an outside issue and not for me to say.

I'm sorry you have a negative opinion about all psychologists and therapists.

In my experience, if I didn't bring God into my step work and every day things, I stayed depressed.

Don't we all...

soberaccountant

The worst part about all of this is sometimes I feel okay and that I am going to make it through all of this, and then there are days like today where everything feels like it is falling apart. And at the end of the day I have no one to talk to. Everyone gets mad at me for worrying. They get mad at me for having anxiety, they get upset with me that I am not 'manning up'.

I hate this life. I honestly do. I dont know what to do anymore. They say everyone loves a comeback. When will mine happen? I no there is no answer for that.

I honestly dont think i'll be writing here anymore after this. Everyone seems to tell me that the solution is to stop drinking and all of that. They treat me like I have an alcohol problem. I honestly look back and can say I dont.

I just want to thank everyone who ever took the time to read and reach out. I wish you all well. I really do.

Good bye for now.

emme99

Frank, I hope you don't leave. I know what it is like to feel okay sometimes and like everything is falling apart at other times. I also worry a lot and have anxiety.
I wish I had good advice or knew what to say that would help. Please know I care, you are not alone and I hope you decide to stay.

Forward12

I agree. Dealing with depression and other mental issues is the same with alcoholism, people who don't have it really can't relate or understand what's going on. While AA is great for alcohol recovery, they are not really the place for mental health issues. I would suggest going to a therapist which would likely help much more.

Dee74

I hope you stick around Frank.

You undenaiably doi have an alcohol problem and people are right when they say things should improve when you stop drinking./

It rarely improves staright away tho. I took about 3 months to start to feel 'better'.

The other part of this equation is you've got a lot of worries. It's a stressful and worrisome time waiting for the outcome of court cases, and job interviews and what have you.

If you haven't seen a Dr about depression and anxiety I think it's worthwhile...if you have seen someone I think it's worthwhile seeing them again?

D

geldofc

Thx for sharing. I don't feel good sharing my depression with friends or family. I've received similar reactions. Family especially seems to take it personally.

Luckily there are groups of people from AA, or mental health groups and similar things, that are helpful.