Mudruck

Been fighting the fourth step. Refuse to do it, anger, frustration and fear shuts me down.
I figured it out today (after 8 weeks) why I refuse to do it.
I live in a house of cards. To fix what I have created means I have to start pulling out cards, never sure of the outcome.
I have done and said things to make others happy that upsets me and I have buried my feelings. To make things right I risk losing or hurting others. I have turned my back on loved ones to drink and to keep a relationship.

tursiops999

Hey Mudruck, I hear ya. It can be scary to face all our stuff from the past. All I can say is, "trust the process". We only do it one step at a time ... with step 4 we just look at it. It's not time yet to fix it, just time to look, understand, see things clearly. When it comes time to fix things, you'll find a way.

awuh1

It can be overwhelming. Take it slow if you start to feel like it's getting to be too much. Reflect on one person per day. Perhaps only one situation per day. Start with small stuff from the distant past.

I will echo tursiops999. Step 4 is not the time to DO anything except to make a list and figure out your part in things.

tomsteve

there was a detox in the lil town i was in. clients would be brought to meetings. i caught on at one time that i was hearing," i got to the 4th step and got drunk" often. it happened to be while i was crankin on my 4th.
talked to a man after a meeting:" i dont get it. im hearing people say they got to the 4th and drank yet im crankin on mine. whats up with that?"
his simple reply:"you did the first 3 steps."

3rd step:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives our to the care of God as we understood Him.
and continue on with the rest of the steps, which the bb tells us when some about this topic:

This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning.Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

stop running the show and thinkin you know the outcome.
4th step promises:
Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.

If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson.


theres quite a few more promises associated with the 4th, just as there are every step.


in short, you havent done the first 3 steps yet. get kikin and surrender.
quite a few promises of what will happen if we dont work the steps,too.
which getting drunk is one of them.

Berrybean

The risk of hurting others as we try to clear away the wreckage of our past is a risk that we work hard to avoid with our sponsor who will help us figure out the best way of moving forward and making amends WITHOUT harming others. Sometimes this means making living amends rather than direct amends. It is therefore NOT a reason to avoid doing your 4th step. Our 4th and 5th step are there to help us are there to help us to understand why and how we are building our house of cards, so that we can stop building it and ready ourselves for some responsible deconstruction so that we can rebuild in a solid and honest way.

I used to live in a house called Fancy Hall. On the outside it was all rainbows and ornate frivalry. One the inside there was not a single floorboard that didn't bounce, or window frame that kept out the wintry wind. Rats from the derelict barns out the back would pay regular visits, and lighting the fire was dangerous as the chimney was in bad shape. But I loved the whole reputation and recognition that living there gave me, so I stayed. Now though, I really do believe that what other people think of me is truly none of my business. It's not between me and them. It is between me and my HP, God. I know that some people think I'm a little boring since I changed my ways, but I don't owe anybody a false me. That facade had to go. It was unsustainable. The effort of maintaining it was really unhealthy, and just served as a distraction from dealing with my character defects.

fini

Mudruck,
it's not about fixing things, step 4.
it's about looking and understanding.
that house of cards...you already know it's cards, not brick. to use this analogy: do the work despite the fear, and you can build a better foundation and a stronger-material house. looking at the fear(s) itself is part of the process.
it wasn't "comfortable" for me to sit in this stuff for a while, but doing it and following it up with 5 , i got to a much better place.
future-tripping (thinking about how to "fix things", for example, when i wasn't there yet) just served to keep me scared and stuck and stopped.
seeing others who had done the stuff as suggested and came through better than okay was hugely helpful.
are there folks around who have done the stuff and have "what you want"?

Gottalife

[QUOTE=Mudruck;5941928 To fix what I have created means I have to start pulling out cards, never sure of the outcome.
[/QUOTE]

Back to step 3 at least. Remember? Self centredness is the root of our troubles. We need to get rid of this selfishness, or it will kill us. We have been like an actor trying to be the director, we have been producing confusion rather than harmony. We have decided to quit playing God. It doesn't work. We are appointing a new manger. A new employer. Being all powerful He will provide what we need (willingness and courage?) And we made a deal that is he would free us from self, take away our difficulties, we would be an example of his power, we would bear witness through our actions and our sharing. We need to think well before this step, making sure we are ready. We need to be convinced of these things. Then we take the step.

As I have learned, there are a number of things we need to be convinced about, which form the basis of our step 3 decision.

hopeful4

I did a step study, my issue is codependency, anxiety, etc.

I about had to be whipped into doing Step 4. I put it off for a LONG time. It's a hard thing to do, but let me tell you, once you do it, you will feel like a new person (if you do it openly and honestly). I also had to come to a conclusion there were some things I could not fix, and that is OK too. I made my amends in the way that was right for the situation, but I allowed myself to go through the process, then let it go.

Remember, this step study is to help you. While there are difficult realizations about yourself, in the end, you will become cleansed and go forth with a clean soul.

MIRecovery

Step four was all about taking an inventory. What was good what was was bad, what needed to be gotten rid of, what needed fixing. Step four was about me and how I reacted to the world

LadyBlue0527

Wow, I didn't even know this area was here! So grateful. I am currently on step 4. This is where I walked away before. Feeling confident that will not happen this time but still hanging close to here!

Thank you all.

sugarbear1

Get through step 4 and move on with those steps!

August252015

Thanks for this!

I am at step 4 - just finished reading Bill's story with my sponsor and we are moving on....I found it interesting how she pointed out where he hit each of these steps as we would come to know them

Trepidation is one word to describe my thoughts, and I need to remind myself of just the above words.

Good luck to us all- we can do it. (note to self, August).

stevieg46

Hi Mudruck , complete surrender in Step 3 (its not just a decision in my view ) if done as near as 100% gives us faith , faith is the absence of Fear , if 3 is done well , it removes all fear in readiness for Steps 4 & 5 , it is simple follow the directions , steps prepare us for the next one , it opens the door . take care .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

Centered3

I think a lot of us fight the fourth step. What do you have to lose? If a year goes by and you don't do it, you'll still be where you are right now. But if a year goes by and you do a fourth step, you'll be that much closer to being well.

We've all been in your shoes one way or another. Trust (your conception of) God, trust the process, and just write. Don't overthink it or worry about the future outcomes right now.

Don't let the fear of amends keep you stunted from a 4th step. If you have a good sponsor, you will understand more when you get to step 8 and 9. I wasted a lot of years because of my fear of amends. You don't do amends if they would harm others.

tomsteve

good on ya!! imo, step 4 was the most.....hhhmmmm....eye opening(?) step for me. I saw just how reeeeeeaaaalllllyyyyy sick I was and just how much I reeeeeaaalllllyyy needed AA!!
and how much I reeeeaaalllyyyy didn't want to be sick any more!

LadyBlue0527

Hey tomsteve. Last night in my Big Book Step Study meeting we're on step 4 and the speaker was excellent. He delivered a very strong message about how total honesty is key. It made me shudder a bit so I understand completely why you just posted what you did.

I recognize there's no way around it. I've just begun writing resentments and I know this is going to get deep but I can already feel how freeing this is going to be.

Fly N Buy

Step 4 started the action of the decision I made in step 3. Getting rid of the boulders the first time around with step 4 kept me moving. Glad for that as there was a window of opportunity .........

oldsoul112249

Keep reverting back to step 3 until you can become more fearless. You'll get the necessary strength and faith to do it there. Then take your time, take baby steps. There's a whole new world on the other side of the 4/5th steps.