Nothing. (possible triggers)
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Ireland
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Nothing. (possible triggers)
I was doing well, or so I thought, for quite some time. (I was diagnosed years ago with a personality disorder)
I must have been in denial or something. I hit rock bottom.
I think I should go back on medication. I went off them about 2 years ago. It was okay for a while until I replaced it again with self medication, or better said anything I could get my hands on. When that wasnt an option any more, I switched to drinking.
That actually worked, I functioned fine and just took 3 hours a night by myself with music and a drink. Shut myself off. I knew it wasn't healthy but I would function normally during the day. Looked after myself and my family.
Until it was pointed out how bad it was what I was doing. So I went on Librium (see different post in different section).
And I didn't drink from Saturday til Wednesday. Then I had one drink, and someone pointed out how stupid that was whilst on the librium.
Instead of taking that as advise to stay off the drink and not combining the two, and after speaking to my gp of which I can't remember half the conversation bar him saying stop taking them because you look like a zombie. I took the last of them all together with a bottle of wine. As you can see, I woke up the next day feeling like an utter failure. I starting cutting myself again. I shaved half my head and got a new tattoo. Thank God both of those things look cool but it was impulsive.
I don't feel there is much left in me.
I don't want to go back on meds, because I gained so much weight. After I went off them, I lost it all and then some.
I think my soul died last night.
I am sorry for putting this out there, but it needs to leave my head.
I must have been in denial or something. I hit rock bottom.
I think I should go back on medication. I went off them about 2 years ago. It was okay for a while until I replaced it again with self medication, or better said anything I could get my hands on. When that wasnt an option any more, I switched to drinking.
That actually worked, I functioned fine and just took 3 hours a night by myself with music and a drink. Shut myself off. I knew it wasn't healthy but I would function normally during the day. Looked after myself and my family.
Until it was pointed out how bad it was what I was doing. So I went on Librium (see different post in different section).
And I didn't drink from Saturday til Wednesday. Then I had one drink, and someone pointed out how stupid that was whilst on the librium.
Instead of taking that as advise to stay off the drink and not combining the two, and after speaking to my gp of which I can't remember half the conversation bar him saying stop taking them because you look like a zombie. I took the last of them all together with a bottle of wine. As you can see, I woke up the next day feeling like an utter failure. I starting cutting myself again. I shaved half my head and got a new tattoo. Thank God both of those things look cool but it was impulsive.
I don't feel there is much left in me.
I don't want to go back on meds, because I gained so much weight. After I went off them, I lost it all and then some.
I think my soul died last night.
I am sorry for putting this out there, but it needs to leave my head.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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I used to think that alcohol improved areas of my life, but after years of sobriety I've realized that alcohol doesn't improve or cure anything when it comes to an alcoholic or addict like myself, it makes everything worse to some degree.
I'm glad you got that out, Tux, and I'm happy you've joined us here. Are you seeing a doctor? Not all meds have an effect like that. I had to try a few before I found something that agreed with me.
I'm glad you got that out, Tux, and I'm happy you've joined us here. Are you seeing a doctor? Not all meds have an effect like that. I had to try a few before I found something that agreed with me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Tux, I'm glad you're okay. I think Astro is on to something here. Librium might not be the right detox drug for you, if it's causing you to abuse it.
Personality disorders are often misdiagnosed when a patient is a drinker. You may find that you are pretty close to normal without the alcohol, give it a try for six months and see how you do. Psychiatry is a very subjective discipline and there aren't hard and fast diagnostic tools - especially when someone is self-medicating.
You can get through this. Go to bed sober tonight. Don't beat yourself up over what's already done.
Personality disorders are often misdiagnosed when a patient is a drinker. You may find that you are pretty close to normal without the alcohol, give it a try for six months and see how you do. Psychiatry is a very subjective discipline and there aren't hard and fast diagnostic tools - especially when someone is self-medicating.
You can get through this. Go to bed sober tonight. Don't beat yourself up over what's already done.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 39
@Biminiblue
I was diagnosed years ago, I didn't drink back then. That's only a 'recent' thing. Mainly because I had ran out of coping strategies. It's a long story.
Thank you for your kind words.
I just have nothing left in me right now to see a good outcome anymore.
I was diagnosed years ago, I didn't drink back then. That's only a 'recent' thing. Mainly because I had ran out of coping strategies. It's a long story.
Thank you for your kind words.
I just have nothing left in me right now to see a good outcome anymore.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Why did you then go off your prescribed meds? Were they working?
I'm not judging, it's pretty common to go off meds because, "Hey, everything's going great, I'm doing well, I must be better, etc.."
I used to take lots of medications to control migraines, and they had the side effects of slowing me down, flattening my mood and leaving me fatigued, over weight, and depressed. I took them for twenty five years. When I went through menopause the migraines pretty much stopped, so I weaned off the medications. The effect on me of getting off those meds was an almost manic mood that was really uncomfortable and I went back to drinking after having been sober for many many years. It's totally understandable to me - in hindsight. I had to do a lot of research to figure this out, though.
Thanks for posting, this helps me to put together more pieces of my own puzzle.
((blessings))
I'm not judging, it's pretty common to go off meds because, "Hey, everything's going great, I'm doing well, I must be better, etc.."
I used to take lots of medications to control migraines, and they had the side effects of slowing me down, flattening my mood and leaving me fatigued, over weight, and depressed. I took them for twenty five years. When I went through menopause the migraines pretty much stopped, so I weaned off the medications. The effect on me of getting off those meds was an almost manic mood that was really uncomfortable and I went back to drinking after having been sober for many many years. It's totally understandable to me - in hindsight. I had to do a lot of research to figure this out, though.
Thanks for posting, this helps me to put together more pieces of my own puzzle.
((blessings))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 39
@Biminiblue Yeah, I went off them 2 years ago because things seemed to be going fine. It was in agreement with my psychologist, psychiatrist and gp. Everyone agreed I was doing well. During those 2 years I have had a few relapses, but nothing like this. It's like everything is catching up with me and hitting me like an nuclear bomb. There is too much turmoil in my head. I see my gp on Monday. I think I need to tell him I am on a slippery slope as I can't seem to shake very very bad thoughts.
Why doesn't it just stop.
Why doesn't it just stop.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Subtracting alcohol and psyche meds will lead to obsessions and delusions, definitely. Even "normal" alcoholics without dual diagnoses have problems coming off alcohol, and have often frightening intrusive thoughts. You took a lot of Librium and drank a lot. This physical/emotional terror is understandable under that explanation. Hang in there, Tux. Stay off the alcohol and it will continue to get better - give it a couple weeks - it's just really uncomfortable to come off alcohol. You're okay.
I'm glad you will see your GP on Monday. In the meantime, try to remember that the racing thoughts, anxiety, fear, are all symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. Can you get outside for a walk, watch a bunch of funny movies or TV shows? Stay away from the news and stimulating shows right now. This is all going to pass.
I'm glad you will see your GP on Monday. In the meantime, try to remember that the racing thoughts, anxiety, fear, are all symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. Can you get outside for a walk, watch a bunch of funny movies or TV shows? Stay away from the news and stimulating shows right now. This is all going to pass.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Tux 
I was doing well, or so I thought, for quite some time. (I was diagnosed years ago with a personality disorder)
I must have been in denial or something. I hit rock bottom.
I think I should go back on medication. I went off them about 2 years ago. It was okay for a while until I replaced it again with self medication, or better said anything I could get my hands on. When that wasnt an option any more, I switched to drinking.
That actually worked, I functioned fine and just took 3 hours a night by myself with music and a drink. Shut myself off. I knew it wasn't healthy but I would function normally during the day. Looked after myself and my family.
Until it was pointed out how bad it was what I was doing. So I went on Librium (see different post in different section).
And I didn't drink from Saturday til Wednesday. Then I had one drink, and someone pointed out how stupid that was whilst on the librium.
Instead of taking that as advise to stay off the drink and not combining the two, and after speaking to my gp of which I can't remember half the conversation bar him saying stop taking them because you look like a zombie. I took the last of them all together with a bottle of wine. As you can see, I woke up the next day feeling like an utter failure. I starting cutting myself again. I shaved half my head and got a new tattoo. Thank God both of those things look cool but it was impulsive.
I don't feel there is much left in me.
I don't want to go back on meds, because I gained so much weight. After I went off them, I lost it all and then some.
I think my soul died last night.
I am sorry for putting this out there, but it needs to leave my head.
I must have been in denial or something. I hit rock bottom.
I think I should go back on medication. I went off them about 2 years ago. It was okay for a while until I replaced it again with self medication, or better said anything I could get my hands on. When that wasnt an option any more, I switched to drinking.
That actually worked, I functioned fine and just took 3 hours a night by myself with music and a drink. Shut myself off. I knew it wasn't healthy but I would function normally during the day. Looked after myself and my family.
Until it was pointed out how bad it was what I was doing. So I went on Librium (see different post in different section).
And I didn't drink from Saturday til Wednesday. Then I had one drink, and someone pointed out how stupid that was whilst on the librium.
Instead of taking that as advise to stay off the drink and not combining the two, and after speaking to my gp of which I can't remember half the conversation bar him saying stop taking them because you look like a zombie. I took the last of them all together with a bottle of wine. As you can see, I woke up the next day feeling like an utter failure. I starting cutting myself again. I shaved half my head and got a new tattoo. Thank God both of those things look cool but it was impulsive.
I don't feel there is much left in me.
I don't want to go back on meds, because I gained so much weight. After I went off them, I lost it all and then some.
I think my soul died last night.
I am sorry for putting this out there, but it needs to leave my head.
I truly believe that with my all...you're not dead and your soul is not dead. I wish I could see you face to face and look into your eyes which are the window to the soul...I miss looking into my best friends eyes that I used to be able to look into for an infinity with such understanding and validation of love. I miss that! I don't know WHERE it went...
I hope to find it again. I hope YOU feel alive again. Remember this is how you FEEL not necessarily how you really ARE.
It's my believe that we all need people in our lives to help remind us of who we really are...because who we really are is what makes us ALIVE!
Its also my belief that we have a Creator that created us so we are His creation therefore He loves us! He loves us just as we are and will work with us right where we're AT. Doesn't matter where you are or how far away from where you would like to be...He loves you just the same...there is a CONNECTION that is not severed...even though you may feel that way right now..
PLEASE know you are still ALIVE, because you ARE...YOU'RE ALIVE!!! So, STAY ALIVE!! Stay alive....
Come back to SR and let us know how you're doing...
In sincerest kindness...
Blessed Be
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 39
It is an awful feeling, can't deny that. Makes it incredibly difficult not to self harm either. I can't find any focus that takes my mind off all these bad thoughts. I also don't want to write here and be all miserable all the time. I know how that sounds, but I feel like I am a burden. You know how some people always smiling say: 'Ah, just smile and you'll get over it'. It doesn't work that way, does it. But I so deeply wish I could 'just get over it'.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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I had feelings of terror, bewilderment, disappointment, shame, fear, etc. as I watched my marriage and family dissolve, and felt hopeless to do anything about it.
I also can't say that I ever "got over it" or "took my mind off the bad thoughts". I had to deal with them eventually.
What I learned to do was refocus my thoughts on the good that life had to offer. To breathe the fresh air and smile. Most of all, I started attending meetings and taking the suggestions that were freely offered to me. In doing that I made new friendships that I still have today, people that will drop whatever they're doing and help me when I feel like I'm falling.
I still have days when I have to face difficulties one second at a time. It's a process, it takes practice, and it's worth every bit of effort I put into it.
I also can't say that I ever "got over it" or "took my mind off the bad thoughts". I had to deal with them eventually.
What I learned to do was refocus my thoughts on the good that life had to offer. To breathe the fresh air and smile. Most of all, I started attending meetings and taking the suggestions that were freely offered to me. In doing that I made new friendships that I still have today, people that will drop whatever they're doing and help me when I feel like I'm falling.
I still have days when I have to face difficulties one second at a time. It's a process, it takes practice, and it's worth every bit of effort I put into it.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
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Come take our hands, Tux! You are not a burden. You just write away. SR is always here. I've been where you are and I am better now. I found the right Doc and the right meds. It's made a world of difference. In fact, night and day. You were wise to get off Librium. Bad drug ( in my opinion )
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Location: America
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Not A Burden
Originally Posted by Tux
It is an awful feeling, can't deny that. Makes it incredibly difficult not to self harm either. I can't find any focus that takes my mind off all these bad thoughts. I also don't want to write here and be all miserable all the time. I know how that sounds, but I feel like I am a burden. You know how some people always smiling say: 'Ah, just smile and you'll get over it'. It doesn't work that way, does it. But I so deeply wish I could 'just get over it'.
I understand that mindset, though. For a long time I was afraid to ask for help.
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Thank you all for pulling me through the weekend. Last week was okay'ish on the meds, stayed sober for a few days though I was a zombie and disassociated for the most part. Don't remember much. Just that something happened that emotionally had (and has) a major impact on me. My GP advised to stop the librium, I basically didn't, I just took the few I had left with a drink and went to sleep. No intentions, other than to sleep. Which I did. On Friday I went out with a friend and again got confronted with some issues that left impact. Which resulted in me self harming during the morning hours before sleep. Yesterday my hubby fell ill so I took over all the errands and such and that kind of forced me not to be able to stop and think. Until more news followed. finished the day on auto-pilot and went to bed very early. Today so far I think I feel somewhat better and I have to see my gp again later today. But I am up and down like a yo-yo so it is for the best if I tell him that.
Thank you all for being there for me, without knowing me. Much appreciated. xx
Thank you all for being there for me, without knowing me. Much appreciated. xx
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I do not mean to offend anyone with what I am about to type. But I just want to get it out of my head.
Have you ever had moments after talking honestly to a psychiatrist or a gp ( who knows you well) and left with a prescription for stuff that makes you think...
'...Wtf? Are you enabling or encouraging me?'
I am guessing there are people here who know how hard it is to be feeling this way and then happily being given access to a handful of pills.
I know I need to take them as prescribed. But part of my biggest issue is dealing with emotions and just can not resist anything that could numb them.
Why would they give me all those pills.
It just points out that they don't know how to fix it. Means I am hopeless.
It makes me even more confused as it is.
Have you ever had moments after talking honestly to a psychiatrist or a gp ( who knows you well) and left with a prescription for stuff that makes you think...
'...Wtf? Are you enabling or encouraging me?'
I am guessing there are people here who know how hard it is to be feeling this way and then happily being given access to a handful of pills.
I know I need to take them as prescribed. But part of my biggest issue is dealing with emotions and just can not resist anything that could numb them.
Why would they give me all those pills.
It just points out that they don't know how to fix it. Means I am hopeless.
It makes me even more confused as it is.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
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Well,Tux, I do think you need to be your own advocate here. Many, many people get screwed up on prescription drugs. It is very easy to go against your better judgement when faced with this scenario because you want the drug and the doc seems to be saying it's ok. You have to look in your heart and "know"what you do, in fact, know: THIS IS BAD FOR ME!
It is very hard. As you know you can get just as horribly addicted with the help of your own doctor as you can any other way. Some doctors just don't seem to get it. Bottomline it's up to you to just stop, and do whatever it is required of you so that can happen. I've done it all. Alcohol, opiates, and benzodiazepines. I am clean now. I'm so glad to be free. I had to make sure everyone involved in my health care was distinctly and sufficiently clear that I am an addict. It was surprisingly difficult to get people to actually see me as I am. I guess I don't look like an addict. (Whatever that looks like) At the time I felt very much as if I was shooting myself in the foot. It was embarrassing and I wanted those drugs. No mistake. But I knew I could not handle them and I didn't want to be an active addict anymore.
You can do this if you really want it. There is help out there. Good luck! SR helped me so much. There are good people here!
It is very hard. As you know you can get just as horribly addicted with the help of your own doctor as you can any other way. Some doctors just don't seem to get it. Bottomline it's up to you to just stop, and do whatever it is required of you so that can happen. I've done it all. Alcohol, opiates, and benzodiazepines. I am clean now. I'm so glad to be free. I had to make sure everyone involved in my health care was distinctly and sufficiently clear that I am an addict. It was surprisingly difficult to get people to actually see me as I am. I guess I don't look like an addict. (Whatever that looks like) At the time I felt very much as if I was shooting myself in the foot. It was embarrassing and I wanted those drugs. No mistake. But I knew I could not handle them and I didn't want to be an active addict anymore.
You can do this if you really want it. There is help out there. Good luck! SR helped me so much. There are good people here!
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Originally Posted by Tux
Means I am hopeless.
When I'm given a new medication I try it, journal how it makes me feel, and report back to the prescriber. If it doesn't help it's OK to stop taking it and try something else. We're all going to respond differently to medications.
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Elseware said it brilliantly.
Tux, you are your own healer. No one else knows you the way you know you. You know what helps and what doesn't. Don't give your power away to a doctor unless it feels right to you. Have you tried prayer or meditation? Both have been more helpful to me than a prescription pad. I've also been prescribed lots of different drugs and find that they have not been the answer long-term.
I hope you continue to seek solutions, whether it be medical, spiritual, or otherwise. We are here, and we care.
Tux, you are your own healer. No one else knows you the way you know you. You know what helps and what doesn't. Don't give your power away to a doctor unless it feels right to you. Have you tried prayer or meditation? Both have been more helpful to me than a prescription pad. I've also been prescribed lots of different drugs and find that they have not been the answer long-term.
I hope you continue to seek solutions, whether it be medical, spiritual, or otherwise. We are here, and we care.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Hi all,
I understand I am my own healer / advocate. What I was referring to is this GP has known me for years and as much and I have a rational side when I feel okay, I also have my uncontrollable side.
He is very aware of this, it is one of the reasons why he would for example always prescribe me things that I would have to pick up every day. So he never gives it in one go.
After we spoke, he mentioned he was trying to get in touch with my psychologist but hadn't been able to yet.
He told me he felt alarms going off seeing me the way I am now and is worried. During my rational moments I couldn't agree with him more. But there are two of me in here. So leaving with a lot of pills just puzzled me a bit. I knew I would run into issues. The temptation to self medicate is overwhelming. I will be more or less okay for a while but it always goes wrong. And it does make me think sometimes that I am 36 years old now and I can not control the crazy in me. I have fought for so many years, how is it all of a sudden going to change?
I just need to hush all the thoughts.
Thank you all for listening / reading.
x
I understand I am my own healer / advocate. What I was referring to is this GP has known me for years and as much and I have a rational side when I feel okay, I also have my uncontrollable side.
He is very aware of this, it is one of the reasons why he would for example always prescribe me things that I would have to pick up every day. So he never gives it in one go.
After we spoke, he mentioned he was trying to get in touch with my psychologist but hadn't been able to yet.
He told me he felt alarms going off seeing me the way I am now and is worried. During my rational moments I couldn't agree with him more. But there are two of me in here. So leaving with a lot of pills just puzzled me a bit. I knew I would run into issues. The temptation to self medicate is overwhelming. I will be more or less okay for a while but it always goes wrong. And it does make me think sometimes that I am 36 years old now and I can not control the crazy in me. I have fought for so many years, how is it all of a sudden going to change?
I just need to hush all the thoughts.
Thank you all for listening / reading.
x
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