Recovery999

I have no one and I'm desperate

PurpleKnight

What's up Recovery?!!

Recovery999

I don't have one single person in real life who will just listen to me. Which just makes everything worse.

I don't know how much longer I can continue like this

SoberLeigh

You can talk to us, Recovery.

Recovery999

I feel like I've ruined my entire life. I fee like I'm just going to die from my eating disorder and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

PurpleKnight

We're here for you Recovery!! Someone always here 24/7!!

Recovery999

Part of me doesn't even care if I die. I can't change anything in my life. I've wasted my youth on this and now I'm going to be alone forever. And the best part about it all is, I'm not even thin by many standards

Aellyce

What's going on, Recovery? What is the pattern that you find hard to break, if you care to share with us?

I also struggled with an eating disorder. It's nasty stuff, I never had any kind of support for it, and the roots go far back into my early childhood and I still have some residual resentments about those old times.

Recovery999

Its like a cycle. I can't leave my job now, or in the foreseeable future for reasons I can't do anything about. So I am upset and depressed when I'm there which causes me to binge which just means that it's one more day with an ED, one more day that nothing gets done, one more day of me hating myself because I can't just get over all of this. I wish I could just leave and go away to a treatment facility. I feel like I'm too Messed up to do it on my own. But I'm medically stable, and I can't afford to just take time off of work and who knows what insurance will even pay for. So it's all up to me to figure out how to stop and I can't do it. I literally try and fail every single day

Recovery999

I honestly feel like I'm mentally shutting down. I literally do not know how much more I can stand and yet when the alarm clock goes off in the morning I have to go. Or make excuses and pretend to work because I'm just a piece of crap who does that. Yeah- I'm really proud of what I've become.

Recovery999

I can't remember the last time I sat down and worked an entire day. I'm behind on everything yet I literally cannot make myself do it.

Aellyce

I know. I had a very similar pattern with bulimia as with alcoholism many years later. Could never go more than 2-3 days free of it and it was mostly everyday in some form. Stress (a lot of the stress came from professional life) and lack of social support was a huge factor for me. I now have a lot of support, including a wonderful therapist who has helped me work on my obsessive tendencies and anxiety in ways that I never could, or could have figured out on my own. If you cannot change your circumstances, my suggestion would be getting help and support in the life situation you are in, and real life 3D support if you can afford it.

Aellyce

This is extremely familiar, exactly what made me seek help in the first place.

Recovery999

I feel so much guilt over work but when I'm in that moment I can't force myself to do it.

I'm in OA and that's okay but when it comes time in my own brain to make the right choice or the wrong choice I always make the wrong one. What's one more day? One more meal, ten more dollars? If it gets me through the next hour, it seems like a good idea.

My sponsor recently decided for personal reasons she's not coming back so that's a big part of this too.

Recovery999

Getting a crappy performance evaluation also doomed me- the job I wanted to bid on for ten years is coming up and I'm not going to have a chance at it now. This absolutely KILLS me and I have no one to blame but myself.

Dee74

I hope you can find a new sponsor, Recovery.
Do you have a Therapist as well?

D

Soberwolf

I sent you a pm if you want to talk

Recovery999

So I'm at this work conference today. I am glad to not be just sitting behind a desk. I'm sure I'd think of an excuse not to be there.

Then I'm off tomorrow during the day and waitress from 4-8 tomorrow night.

I went to a meeting yesterday but I just burst out in tears and ran out the door.

I have an appointment for a new doctor at the end of September. I am not a fan of therapy. Since I can't change anything in my life, it just spins in circles and I wind up frustrated. I'm hoping a medication adjustment will help. They kept trying these mood stabilizers and they didn't do anything. I don't have a mood disorder, I have depression.

Weird, my "friend" is here who I'm not on the best terms with- another one who will never answer when you're upset, but I went out of my way (like 30 miles) to attend meetings with him when he thought he wanted to get sober. I just don't have reliable people around me. Even program people, they give you their number and they're all nice at meetings but when you call they never call you back.

I got to see my favorite niece last night. She is absolutely my favorite person in the whole world and much of the reason I continue to hang in there.

Part of my sadness is over wasted years- I spent the past 10, 15 years with this ED instead of building positive relationships and even getting married and having kids. And now I'm getting to a point where I'm nervous it isn't going to happen. And yet I still don't stop.

Soberwolf

dox

If you call your insurance company and ask them, they will probably tell you what they will pay for.
You might be surprised at how helpful they can be.