1Dayatatyme

I sometimes get a resentment in that it seems like self care is such a chore, and yet I will not get relief from feeling dysphoric most of the time unless I exercise regularly, get outside a lot, eat healthily and be mindful of my thoughts. I can sink into the quicksand of depression very easily, since my brain has all the pathways set up in the default position, beginning when I was 6 years old. Just like some others, I have a combination of trauma and genetic components for both depression and addiction.
I know if I felt normally happy I would never have had substance abuse issues.
But I did. Unfortunately, abusing pain pills to feel "normally happy"... well, I guess the euphoria I felt when taking them is what I imagine "normal" people feel regularly, just lead to more problems. Eventually they quit working and my depression increased due to the shame and self esteem issues that accompanies me when I engage in behaviors that I know are wrong.
One of the reasons I am not going to AA this time around is that I find SR works so much better for me in that I have forums to address the underlying issues in my life that lead me to addiction. Substances are not my problem, substances are a quick and temporary solution to my problems, and eventually lead to more problems.
It is imperative that next week I be very centered, calm and serene as a lot of (good) family events will be happening. I need to remind myself to post regularly, and practice good self care and not get wrapped up in putting myself on the back burner to please others.

Dee74

we'll be here to support you 1day

D

Justincredible

Excellent post 1day, I am also finding a whole new support system that really works for me here at SR. I always consider myself lucky to live in this age of information and high-speed internet, where I can access a global community like this anytime I need to.

Thanks.

jerri11

1Day,

Thanks for reminding me about this forum. I too forgot that it's over here. I usually just click the New Posts button for all forums\threads. I think there are probably a lot of good conversations that I miss that might be helpful to me in the slower corners of SR, particularly here.

And thank you again for getting a conversation going in the other thread ... I think we're both kind of in a similar boat. I too was drinking to try cope with long-standing depression, caregiver burnout, etc. And self-care is essential for me too.

And I totally get the feeling of resentment. When I quit drinking in November I kind of had this fantasy in my head that after I recovered a bit, all of the sudden I was going to have all this energy and be overflowing with enthusiasm and joy for living. It was going to be all unicorns and rainbows. LOL But, it hasn't turned out that way. Not that things are bad. They're not. They're much better than they were, and I don't want to go back. BUT, I'm still not "happy". And as I said previously, I'm beginning to think I may never really be. Or maybe never be what I think "happy" looks like for other people.

It takes all my energy and focus to do my job well, take care of my family and the essential self-care that you listed above. And notice the order that I put that in, it should be the other way around. But by the end of the day I am fried. I have to dig really deep to find the energy\enthusiasm for anything else.

So, thanks again for your post here and elsewhere.

1Dayatatyme

Jerri,
I am so"happy" that you came "over" to this thread... I was really hoping you would, as I noticed a lot of similarities as well.

I fried myself good between 2007 and 2013 by trying to be supermom, super student, and super employee. I was in recovery at the time, until I relapsed on pain pills after an auto accident. I had the accident in 2009 but I don't remember exactly when I began to abuse my pain pills... I think late 2010 or early 2011. No matter. What I expected from myself was crazy, and I am not at all surprised I am feeling the way I do now.
Talk about expectations... I thought once I retired in October that I would be so happy to have free time and be in a much more serene and comfortable atmosphere... yes... unicorns and rainbows. But I guess I am just too burnt out. Even though I quit drinking at the same time, the first two months I could barely move off the couch. I went back to therapy with some EAP sessions that I had available, and thank goodness my therapist was tough
love about getting off the couch and getting moving.
That started a bit of an upward spiral in that I actually get internet back in my home in early December and re-connected with my friends here on SR.
But, I still am not as happy as I want to be. It is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... always beyond reach, no matter what I do. Being of service, being a good and generous mother/grandmother, making choices aligned with my values, reconnecting here... I now am believing that "if only" I could find a male companion, someone to have dinner with or see a movie occasionally then I will be happy. No matter that I had plenty of times during my 19 year marriage that I yearned to be single... the grass always seems greener on the other side. It is so frustrating to be aware of the power of my distorted thoughts in increasing my depressive symptoms and yet struggle to change my beliefs.
I will have to PM you one of these days because I think you will understand the lengths I went to to be happy and content in the now, and I just come up short over and over.
I am not giving up in that I don't want to drink or become hopeless, but I don't know what more I can do at this point, other than re-consider AD's if any new ones are out that my doc recommends. Just to review: I started on Paxil, it made me so flat and disconnected. Then, citalopram started out good, but at about 6 weeks I was sleeping about 14 hours a night! Wellbutrin gave me headaches and also made me irritable, and prozac, which was the best, "only" had the side effect of migraine-like headaches.
One thing that helps, especially for posting or chatting on the phone, is caffeine. In the short term, it gives me a lift and enough energy to feel enthusiastic and positive for a few hours. So, I try to be mindful of not drinking it everyday, other than in green tea. I would hate for coffee to lose its effectiveness. (yes, I had a pot this morning in preparation for Berkelely's visit, hence so much posting).
I am curious... I know yoga is very healing, and I have found it helpful for anxiety... do you find it enhances your mood in terms of decreasing depression?

Justincredible: Thank you for reminding me how much having internet has enhanced my life... to have a community of friends from all over is such a gift...I don't have words to describe how much I value my SR friends from places like Australia, Scotland, and all over the US.

jerri11

There are so many different directions to go here in what could turn out to be a very long and rambling conversation. There are some directions that I would only be comfortable discussing in PMs. But I think there’s a value in having a conversation here as well. I know we’re not the only ones. Maybe there are others who will jump in as well?

Anyhoo, I have to begin somewhere so here it goes.

I am easily drawn into deep and protracted sessions of what I call “navel gazing”. Escaping into my head has been a coping mechanism for as long as I can remember. Having a vivid imagination has been a blessing in many ways, but over the years it’s also become problematic. One of the darker aspects of it is that I would often rather escape into my inner world than deal with the real one.

So, since I sobered up in November, I’ve tried to stay focused on simple, practical, real-world steps to improve my mental and physical health. I haven’t wanted to delve too much into the whys and wherefores and the messy emotions that led to the drinking. That seemed like just going back down the rabbit hole that is part of my problem. I haven’t gone “cold turkey” on the navel gazing, but I’ve definitely tried to reign it in, and I’m learning to recognize and stop some of the more destructive thought patterns. But for the most part, I’ve stuck with practical, tangible steps. Good sleep hygiene (which I’m NOT practicing now; its 2 a.m. and I should be in bed). Exercise. Healthy diet. Mindfulness. Keeping a journal. And just trying to do something every day that is a positive and practical step for myself and my family.

I feel like I’m in a much better place mentally than I’ve been in a long time. If I stick to the regimen (and that’s what it feels like), then I have a pretty good chance of staying on an even keel. The status quo for me, is not really feeling ill, but feeling as if I have a low-grade fever. Like I might be on the verge of coming down with a cold. Metaphorically speaking. If I let any aspect of the regimen go for too long, then I start to slip down that rabbit hole and actually do feel physically ill, listless, lethargic, crying jags, dark morbid thinking, etc, etc.

I have tried several different anti-depressants over the years. The only one I could tolerate for any length of time was Lexapro. I would usually only stay on it for a few months, just until I dug myself back up to the surface. It totally screws up my libido. That’s one issue. But even more than that, I would feel strange and disconnected from myself. The fake happy feeling. And I would actually often have a hard time staying focused and become a little too wound up. Like being jittery from too much caffeine. So, for now I’m staying off of it and trying to manage the depression with “The Regimen”. That’s not to say I won’t try Lexapro again in the future. Or maybe they’ll come up with something new without the side effects, something that doesn’t make me feel like an alien, walking around wondering what the heck am I smiling about, and where did I leave my keys?

Back to “The Regimen”. I’m still tweaking it and trying different things. Yoga definitely helps me, but only if I practice it in a very mindful way. Just going thru the motions doesn’t have the same effect. It works best for me if I spend some time before and after doing some progressive relaxation. And during the actual yoga practice I really need to be plugged into keeping my breath in sync with moving in and out of the poses. When I’m very mindful during my practice, I come out of it with a feeling that is almost euphoric. It doesn’t last all day, but it gets my head into a good place for a while.

I’m hoping that cleaning up my diet and cutting out sugar and processed crap will help in the long run. The healthier diet along with the yoga and walking has helped me lose weight (20 pounds since November), but I’m disappointed that I don’t feel more energetic. Maybe I’m expecting too much of myself too soon. Time will tell.

Well, my laptop battery is about to die, so I will wrap this up for now.

Thanks again for starting this thread.

1Dayatatyme

Jerri: Lots of good stuff in your post... food for thought, that's for sure.

I woke up today feeling positive and hopeful in that the processing I have done over the past day or so here on SR and the wonderful sharing of Experience, Strength, and Hope by others here on SR has given me some clarity around some work I need to do in my life that may help decrease my blahs. I also see clearly that the family events coming up next week are a big factor in what triggered all of this emotion and "naval gazing." ( I borrowed your phrase, J, if that is ok).
I am going to use the beautiful week-end, with temps forecasted to be in the 70's, to spend time outside, walking and meditating, and am going to try and dig out my old journals, or start a new one.

I may not be on SR this week-end as much as I have in the past day or two, and that is a good thing in that I will be working on integrating the new insights into my psyche and enjoying life.

jerri11

1Day -- A positive mood and beautiful weather all at the same time! A recipe for a good weekend to be sure.

I too have some thinking to do, about what you've posted here and the discussion with the WOW ladies. Everyone's honesty and wisdom is humbling and encouraging. As you said, lots of food for thought.

It's overcast here today. So, enjoy some sunshine for me.

jerri11

1Day - I hope that your family events are going well. For me the lead up to family events is a huge stressor, but once I'm there I usually end up enjoying myself. Not sure how it is for you. But I wish you the best, and hope you are enjoying yourself. You deserve it!

I hope you don't mind if I post things here every once in a while. No need\rush to respond. I'm not always sure which is the best thread to put things in. Or if I should start a new one. Anyway, feel free to tell me to "Get off my Lawn!", if you want.

Over the past several days I've been thinking a lot about anti-depressants: should I or should I not try them again? And have I done everything else possible to alleviate my symptoms without them? The short answer to that last question is no.

I had 3 EAP sessions with a counselor late last year. I think it was helpful, but I got started with Yoga in January, and I just let getting an EAP authorization for 2015 slide. So, I’m going to start the counseling back up and see what other tools I can add to my "Sanity Toolbox".

Good news. Bad news. My company changed EAP providers for 2015. I now have 8 EAP sessions per issue per year. But, the counselor I talked to in December isn't in network and can't\won't join (Yes, I asked). So, I have to switch to another lady.

Anyway, first session is Thursday.

Another thing that I need to be more vigilant about is taking my vitamins. My doctor had recommended a B-Complex and a Magnesium supplement. I think they do make a difference, when I remember to take them. The irony is not lost on me that when I was abusing Tramadol, I had NO problems remembering to take that. But I can’t keep up with some vitamins? And when I was taking Lexapro, I wasn’t very consistent with it either. I’m not taking a Vitamin D supplement. I try to get outside and walk, but I don’t manage to do that consistently enough because of the weather or work. So a supplement might be the answer. So I need to read up on that and maybe talk to the Doc about it.

That's all for now.

1Dayatatyme

Jeri,
You, my dear, may post wherever you feel comfortable... I love seeing that you posted here!

Yesterday, Tuesday, was an awesome day. I babysit my little grandbaby and my daughter, who is just so loving, again expressed her thanks with such kind generosity. Today, is a rainy, chilly day and it brings back memories of Seattle, which I loved so much. I am happy to see this weather.

Tomorrow, my aunt flies into Denver, and I love her very much. However, being with her always makes me a little sad, as she reminds me of my mother, who is deceased. We often share our memories of my mom, and feel some grief in the process. She is also declining somewhat in that she suffered a stroke or two a while back, and she has memory issues, and I also noticed she is not cognitively where she once was. It makes me sad.

I did treat myself to a good haircut today, and I love it. It has been about a year since I did more than trim my own bangs. It really looks great.

I am worried that once I wash it it will not look as good as after the stylist did the finishing touches, but I will do my best.

You mentioned Tramadol in your post... did you know that it is an anti-depressant as well? Some people love it, others don't. I don't have much experience with it. I do know it is now a scheduled drug now due to people getting addicted to it.

I really need to clean in preparation for my aunt... wish me luck and energy!

jerri11

I’m so glad you’re having a good week. It sounds like you have a loving and wonderful family. It’s good that you’ve got a chance to visit with your aunt, but I understand the bittersweet aspect. I remember the last time my grandmother came to visit. She was in early Alzheimer’s at the time. We had a wonderful visit, but her memory loss was clear and it was sad for all of us. But I’m really glad we had that chance to visit.

The haircut coincidence is pretty funny. I'm glad to hear yours turned out so well. I need to shop around better and find someone who's really good with wild, curly hair. I'm feeling a little bit better about it now that I've had a chance to style it myself, and it looks pretty good. It's not a "bad" cut, just shorter than I had wanted. It was really long before I quit drinking. I've been gradually cutting it shorter and shorter ever since. It's part of my recovery process.

Regarding tramadol I knew it had an impact on serotonin. I didn’t know if doctors actually prescribed it for depression. Or maybe just for pain, and the anti-depressant effect was a bonus? I was taking two a night primarily for the euphoric effect. In hindsight it was really, really stupid. I’d be drinking all day and then before bed take the tramadol. I’d have a couple hours of being both drunk and high at the same time. Then just drift in and out of sleep for half the night. The combo really messed up my sleep pattern. And if I took them during the day, I would just get this really hyped up feeling, and get a bad case of the jabbers, I just couldn’t shut up. Maybe I’m just really sensitive to the effect. I don’t know. Similar deal with Lexapro, but without the euphoria.

I hope you got your cleaning out of the way and are settling in for some rest for tomorrow.

BlueFairy

I just come out of a several year run on depression, bringing myself out of it even through my worst with alcohol. Yeah it was hard-- it's still hard. I get it. It seems selfish all the things you must keep up with and I feel selfish but it's easier on my family than having me committed I guess or dealing with the downward spiral I was becoming. Now throwing away the alcohol addiction will be less taxing to everyone around me-- I'm beginning to realize even if I'm still committed to a lifetime of combatting depression. It sucks though here the weather isn't even complying lol--persistent rain. That should soon start shaping up for most of us anyway. :-)

raul88

I found your the original post to be quite insightful. I would feel like that a lot more of the time if I compared myself to other people that seem to get so much done in one day.

Some people respond better to antidepressants that boost norepinephrine levels in addition to serotonin. Just a thought, as some people have a more dysphoric, physical depression, and for others it is more mental emotional or a combination of course.

I have taken Lexapro, and I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, so any symptoms I felt, I attributed to the Lexapro. But the symptoms went away, but my dose of Lexapro stayed the same.