Jeni26

And feeling so frustrated about it.

I'm doing so well...sobriety wise anyway. No thoughts of drinking, following the AA programme, in contact with my sponsor and sponsoring others. Family life is great, my relationship with my kids brings me joy every day...

Yet this friggin PTSD follows me, it creeps up on me, leaves me a quivering wreck in the middle of the night...screaming and crying like a baby. And I'm thinking now...will I EVER be free of it? I've been in therapy, I've taken meds, I've given up drinking and drugging my way through it. What else can I do?

I refuse to be a victim of my past any more. I had some rough stuff in my childhood but it will not define my future.

I am SO ANGRY with myself...what sort of example am I to others if I am curled up in a ball sobbing myself to sleep after getting on for 2 years sober? It's pathetic.

I have a faith in my God, I meditate, I pray. What else can I do to make the nightmares go away and leave me in peace. And I'm sorry this is so self-pitying, but I've had enough of this now. I really have.

Gilmer

I'm sorry, Jeni.

Dee74

You're an example because despite feeling like that last night, I know you got up today and did your job Jeni.

Courage isn't never feeling afraid, it's feeling afraid - and doing what you have to do anyway.

Stop beating yourself up for not being perfect, fer pete's sake.

Some people may speak as if they are - but there's not one perfect person in this SR community, or in any AA meeting anywhere.

D

Jeni26

Dee...thank you. You helped me last night and again this morning...your words mean a lot.

Things are a heap better than they were.. I know the AA response will be to get my arse to a meeting and reach out to someone else and I will do that..it just takes me a while for my own fears to subside again when this happens. And I want it to stop now. Enough.

Dee74

Have a good day Jeni

D

aasharon90

I hear you Jeni. I do hear you. And I
like knowing your name is Jeni, because
my daughters name is Jenny too.

You'd think with 23 yrs sobriety Id be free
of the past. Sadly im not. However, as it
is explained, its ok to visit the past, nor
shut the door on it, because we can learn
from it. Not live in it.

I was restless a few nights ago trying to go
to sleep when my mind began to race. Anxiety
poped in as I reflect on my own childhood. It
was the would ifs, could have dones, should ofs
playing havic in my mind.

I just hate it when those thoughts come
back to haunt me and try to rob me of a
good nights sleep.

I know today, I can't change the past, my
own childhood. It's part of my lifes story.
As hard as it may be, I just have to accept
it and make sure I don't repeat what was
done to me to my own little family. And,
surely enough, with being in recovery when
my babies were little and help with my
recovery program I broke the chain of that
childhood abuse and not inflict it upon my own.

Thank God..!!!!

Still.....

I realize today that my mom was sick. She
carried her own abuse she had done to her
as a child into our family and I sadly took
the brunt of it. To understand it is better
than asking why. Why me and not 3 other
siblings.

I don't have all the answers as to why I
didn't do this or that, because I did try. I
tried to stand up to her, to only be knocked
down again. I tried to do what she wanted
me to do with kindness and care to only be
knocked down again.

I tried to hide to only be found full of fear.

It was like damned if I do and damned if
I don't.

As I read others shares here in SR I see
that addiction, sickness, didn't just happen
in the 30's, 40's, 50's era but continues
today with children being hurt by parents
of friends with addiction to alcohol and drugs.

Knowledge is a powerful thing, when we
learn about addiction and its affects on
others. Knowledge to break those chains
of abuse to not inflict them on others, esp.
our babies.

Learn all you can about addiction and while
it helps you free yourself from its bondage,
help someone else who doesn't understand
it themselves. That in itself is freedom.

Jeni, you are not alone. And how comforting
is that to know others understand what you
went thru because we have gone thru similar
if not, the same thing at one time in our lives.

You can rest now Jeni. Your not alone.

Jeni26

Thank you x

Confuseddotcom

hi not sure its appropriate to answer here... but have you talked to your dr about clonazepam? my psychiatrist prescribed it for my nightmares (yup i know exactly what you are talking about in your OP.. i wake up screaming and flailing, heart pounding, totally disorientated and not knowing where i "really" am) the clonazepam changes the REM phase of sleep and on nights where i take it, i dont dream at all...

HeadLump

(((((())))))

PaperDolls

Go easy on yourself Jeni.

I'm going to screw this up but ...... Courage is not the absence of fear, it's walking through the fear with your head up.

Hugs!

jdooner

You and I share similar backstories. I am still dealing with some of my baggage but I am trying to forgive myself. I am not there yet and I will think about my trauma and just start welling up for no reason - I didn't cry for over 30years too. So this is new - I actualyl don't know how to properly its been so long.

Anyhow, the nightmares have gone away - they were worse towards the end of the drinking.

I actually don't feel much at all towards my abusers but I do feel I am left with a cloud that casts a shadow in many other aspects of my life.

BTW - You helped me, so thanks.

Jeni26

Jdooner...I understand. I don't cry, I never have...but I do sometimes feel very sad. Some things trigger my memories-colours and smells for example and I often don't know why. The smell of brandy makes me feel sick and always has. I cannot be woken abruptly if I'm asleep, and do not sleep well anywhere apart from my own bed. I feel anxious in certain situations without always knowing the reason. There are many things which I suppose I could class as clouds...but they mostly for me occur in the middle of the night...and I can chase them away in the daylight.

I'm not sure if these thoughts will ever go away completely, but they remain for now in the back of my mind. There are so many happy memories that I make every day that keep them there. They are mostly manageable.

Maybe I'm as fixed as I can be...there are plenty whose trauma prevents them leading any semblance of a normal life as adults. I'm grateful that isn't me. People have shared their own stories with me, both on SR and elsewhere, and there are many common themes. I am thankful I got the chance to let go of the addiction and move away from all that.

I'm glad I helped x

heath480

Sorry to hear how you are feeling Jeni my friend.2years is still early sobriety,I think it can be a bit like grief,it takes a long time to get better.

We have a physchiatrist in our local area,he has spent all his career working in addiction,he says it takes between 5-7 years for an Alcoholic's brain to clear,from my own experience I truly believe this.

You are doing everything right in your recovery.Onwards and upwards a day at a time.xxx

Jeni26

Thank you Heath my friend. I'm actually feeling a lot better right now. I seem to get over these spells a whole lot quicker than I used to. Thanks for your support xx

MidnightBlue

Jeni, my friend. I am so sorry I missed your thread...

Please, do not be angry with YOURSELF.

Your self has been struggling enough for you to add up to it.

I can so related about memories awoken my smells, and colors, and being anxious in certain situations. And I am often angry with myself as well. But these memories do not appeal to a strong grown up person. They appeal to a little scared kid. Don't be angry with her. Take her hand, hug her. Tell her that everything will be all right now, and you will kick anyone's a**s to protect her. And there is a bright day, and she can smile and be careless and enjoy life.

My hugs and super positive vibes to you)

Jeni26

Thank you MB. My special friend xx