DesertArizona

I have all kinds of complexes and paranoias with women which make it impossible to have a relationship, so I gave up dating, flirting, and sex about 7 years ago. On top of that I'm a loner and I don't keep friends.

I'm thinking this may be a factor as to why I was on Suboxone for 5 years and never got treatment. I never had any other warmth in my life to "grab hold of" once "stepping off" of Suboxone.

I know they advise against relationships for newly sober people, but I'm wondering if I may be an exception. Maybe that is what has been missing from my life and the thing that I need to stop using all these substances.

Something happened recently. They had a beer kiosk set up in the Asian grocery story I shop at, where they hire some attractive young girls and have them stand around a stack of Heinneken to entice people. Well, while walking by I caught the eye of one who was very, very pretty, and she left her stand to follow me and started a conversation with me about the durian I was buying. She ended up following me around the store for half an hour while I kind of gave her a tour of all the weird exotic food and what it all tasted like. We really got on well and I even made her smile and laugh! It made me feel so good...

That experience made my whole week. On the way home, I felt more confidence that I'd had in YEARS. Like I could go up and talk to anyone in the world. It made me feel like I had value for the first time in ages, like I wasn't worthless to women as I had always suspected. (I felt so grateful for what she did that I bought her a bag of Asian sweets from the bakery as a thank-you before I left )

I feel like I need to get my driver's license, drive around to random places, work out and get my muscles back, and start talking to girls again.

So do you guys think that having love in your life is necessary for recovery?

tootsl1

I do Dessie. I feel you have to love yourself and care for yourself. If learning to drive and keeping fit will help you develop more confidence, and help you to make and maintain friendships, then I'm sure you will also find love. But love doesn't magically make everything right in life, and isn't necessarily an answer to anything. If you don't find that special person, at least if you go out looking for friends, you will find a nicer life
I wish you well.

Threshold

Now you're making me miss Mekong Plaza!

anyway...how long have you been sober?

We do recover so we can get back into the swing of life and live fully, and having a romantic partner is a nice part of life for most of us. The whirlwind of early recovery plus the whirlwind of a new romance can be a bit too much for some of us in early recovery, especially if we have a complicated past with relationships and sex.

Have you don't any therapy in that area? Do you feel any differently now than you did seven years ago when you put things on the back burner?

It sounds like a really nice and positive encounter.

I have a few mess ups with relationships in early recovery. I think I was replacing booze and drugs with sex and flirting, still running away from myself.

When I got into a relationship because I cared about the person not just the way they made me feel...that was when things began to fall into place.

DesertArizona

That's so funny! Mekong Market is actually where I met that girl! I go there every week. What a coincidence! Isn't that place fantastic?

I quit heroin 5 years ago, pot 4 years ago, and I never drank or smoked or anything. Although I have been kind of starting to mess with benzos, and I'm really worried about the physical addiction from those. I order them off the internet cheaply so there's nothing to stop me from using. Going to taper off what I have left and exercise willpower not to order again.

I was thinking a relationship might actually be okay for me because I've only been on Suboxone for 5 years, no drugs, no alcohol, no pot, no smoking, no nothing. Like I'm not a total druggie wreck, you know? Not to say that the Sub isn't serious, but if I had a nice girl to talk to and spend time with I think it would I would have more motivation to face this Sub withdrawal.

I think the fact that I haven't dated in 6-7 years is a big factor in why I haven't had the motivation or reason to get off Sub for good, or get my life started, so a relationship might be helpful for me. I'm only 24 so I have some time left to find one.

Mountainmanbob

wouldn't say that -- having love in your life is necessary for recovery

but -- as far as
getting you drivers license
driving around
working out
and talking to girls
there is nothing wrong with any of the above
those are all (good healthy things) for one to do for themself

you will never find one if you don't go out and look around
I found that it all worked best when
I was making myself available
but
asking God for the right one to come into my life
then the hard part
waiting on God's timing

Mountainman

HJIK

I think this unscientific advice is only for outgoing very attractive people who are good at spouting miles of pointless small talk that can afford to miss opportunities for a relationship.

DesertArizona

The bassic recovery community. I think it makes sense though. Most addicts don't love themselves, so you can't love someone else, and their time is spent up going to mettings, rehab, counseling... They probably feel awful and irritable from cravings and withdrawal. Not to mention the "spiritually drained" aspect. I really don't think its a good idea for most people. My case is a little different though.

HJIK

I agree with the idea that being single creates a void that many try to fill with alcohol/substances.

Been there done that.

Threshold

desert, yeah, stay away from benzos, withdrawal can be a b*tch. They are just not worth it. I mean, why get clean from all that other stuff just to invite another devil in?

My experience in my life as far as relationships go is that when I've been busy about my life, I meet people, and relationships happen. Friendships and romances both. I have never had luck (or even a good experience) when I went out looking specifically for a relationship. Maybe that is because there is a sense of desparation there, or me looking for someone to fill some gap.

But if I am involved in doing positive interesting things, chances are good I'll meet positive interesting people.

I don't see any reason why we should put an absolute moratorium on relationships.

Personally, I have seen a LOT of drama with people hooking up "in the rooms". I truly deeply found it in my best interest to not date and get involved with folks I met in recovery. I know a few couples who seemed to do ok, but only a few. And I know the few times I was tempted...they weren't headed in a healthy direction.

But I don't think we should close ourselves off from positive healthy things in life. Many of us need to invite MORE of that into our lives. We need to learn to recognize it, nurture it and not freak out about it.

For a long time good feelings scared me.

DesertArizona

Yeah, totally. I guess it just has to be done very carefully when you're newly sober, but I think its necessary eventually

DesertArizona

Yeah I know exactly what you're saying, I'm a complete idiot for re-ordering, I curse myself daily... I went on a huge binge 6 months ago and I've just gotten over the withdrawal. Six months! I was sick of having no energy, not working, laying horizontal in a darkened room surfing the web all day, so I ordered some more to get some work done.

I wasn't thinking about dating someone else in recovery, just if I happened to meet a nice girl I imagined that we would exchange numbers and have lunch and talk and stuff. Just to have a nice, warm connection with someone.