Class of May 2013 Pt 4
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
Hello all.
Doctor's appointment went fine. They couldn't find anything wrong with me, and I'm feeling fine- so that's good
I was able to meet with the family of my friend who died. They're hanging in there, but still in shock.
What bothered me is when we got back to the hotel, it was full of people from our rural town (the hotel is adjacent to the hospital that covers the town's employees on our insurance plan- so it is the only logical place to stay). As everyone sat for social hour, news came that a very young man from our town just committed suicide. 24 years old- shot himself at a hotel down the street. Unfortunately, suicide is so common where we live that no one even bothered to be shocked- just another thing to talk about at the social hour.
I guess in some ways, I'm glad for where I live. I was thinking about how callous we might all seem to the hotel staff for the casual conversation, but I also thought about how I would fare if I was still living in the upper-middle class suburbia where I started out. I'd probably be sipping wine all night, never confronted with the fact I had a problem, never seeing any of the social or health ills that go along with the abuse, and never knowing a single person who died from abuse. I would just be assured of my immortality or the idea that I'd be a 80 year old granny with my wine one day...the same way my sister seems to think. But in my rural town- it is so small that you know everyone and interact with every type of person no matter what walk of life they come from. And suicide is so very prevalent (just google suicide rates in rural Alaska- you'll see). I've known over a dozen people who've killed themselves while under the influence of drugs or alcohol or both since moving here. I've known 4 who've died of alcohol overdose (one last week where I was asked by the family to go to his funeral). And now 2 who've died of heart failure as a result of their alcoholism. The idea that life is very short is constantly reinforced all around me- something I never got in the busy cities or upper class suburbs. The fact that alcohol or drugs are so damaging is constantly reinforced- and you can only make excuses for so long. The fact that alcohol is lethal to your health is reinforced. By living in my village, I know I could die. I know I could die young. And I've arranged my affairs around that fact. No one even blinked an eye when I wrote my will at age 30 or thought there was something wrong for me to do so.
In a way, it's a blessing because if I didn't have this reminder, I would be my sister. I never would have thought about quitting, even as my body gave me every hint that something was wrong. I would look around me, see no one else who outright died of alcohol abuse, and used it to justify my behavior. But I can't here. I can't be so blind.
Anyway- guess I just needed to write that out. I've been very contemplative this week about life in general. Hope everyone is well and sticking to their health. Life can be short- but it should also be very enjoyable, and that joy comes when you're healthy and sober
Doctor's appointment went fine. They couldn't find anything wrong with me, and I'm feeling fine- so that's good
I was able to meet with the family of my friend who died. They're hanging in there, but still in shock.
What bothered me is when we got back to the hotel, it was full of people from our rural town (the hotel is adjacent to the hospital that covers the town's employees on our insurance plan- so it is the only logical place to stay). As everyone sat for social hour, news came that a very young man from our town just committed suicide. 24 years old- shot himself at a hotel down the street. Unfortunately, suicide is so common where we live that no one even bothered to be shocked- just another thing to talk about at the social hour.
I guess in some ways, I'm glad for where I live. I was thinking about how callous we might all seem to the hotel staff for the casual conversation, but I also thought about how I would fare if I was still living in the upper-middle class suburbia where I started out. I'd probably be sipping wine all night, never confronted with the fact I had a problem, never seeing any of the social or health ills that go along with the abuse, and never knowing a single person who died from abuse. I would just be assured of my immortality or the idea that I'd be a 80 year old granny with my wine one day...the same way my sister seems to think. But in my rural town- it is so small that you know everyone and interact with every type of person no matter what walk of life they come from. And suicide is so very prevalent (just google suicide rates in rural Alaska- you'll see). I've known over a dozen people who've killed themselves while under the influence of drugs or alcohol or both since moving here. I've known 4 who've died of alcohol overdose (one last week where I was asked by the family to go to his funeral). And now 2 who've died of heart failure as a result of their alcoholism. The idea that life is very short is constantly reinforced all around me- something I never got in the busy cities or upper class suburbs. The fact that alcohol or drugs are so damaging is constantly reinforced- and you can only make excuses for so long. The fact that alcohol is lethal to your health is reinforced. By living in my village, I know I could die. I know I could die young. And I've arranged my affairs around that fact. No one even blinked an eye when I wrote my will at age 30 or thought there was something wrong for me to do so.
In a way, it's a blessing because if I didn't have this reminder, I would be my sister. I never would have thought about quitting, even as my body gave me every hint that something was wrong. I would look around me, see no one else who outright died of alcohol abuse, and used it to justify my behavior. But I can't here. I can't be so blind.
Anyway- guess I just needed to write that out. I've been very contemplative this week about life in general. Hope everyone is well and sticking to their health. Life can be short- but it should also be very enjoyable, and that joy comes when you're healthy and sober
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Glad you're OK, Helen. I have experienced some death and known (well) a couple of people who have committed suicide. One was depressed about what he felt was an impossible deep, dark secret--the other was drunk (and probably depressed, too).
It's easy to be depressed when you feel there's nothing to do with your life but drink.
It's easy to be depressed when you feel there's nothing to do with your life but drink.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
Thank you, Gilmer.
Today, I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel hopeless. I want to scream. But I also want to be calm and reflect.
I am from Colorado- a diehard Broncos fan. So today, I should be elated. And I was. I was hugging. I was screaming. I was cheering. And then hours later, gone.
What is it about this month? This year? Going back on an earlier post- I've known so many people who've died, and died early. But only since moving to rural Alaska. Before that, I knew 1. 1.
Today, just hours ago, I received a phone call. Another friend found cold. He went out partying last night, and people saw him leave early this morning. His girlfriend was out in Anchorage with his children for the long weekend. She became concerned when she couldn't reach him and called the police for a welfare check. He was found dead. No cause yet- obviously.
He was just slightly older than I- 33 or 34. He had two young children, both under 6.
He had an issue with both alcohol and meth- and was a very large man, so probably not the best heart.
Still...what is it with this month? I knew a 22 year old who died last month- but didn't really know her well. And now, this makes 3 this month. 1 friend, 1 acquaintance, and him- a good friend.
I just don't know. This small place is filled with death. I will eventually move. And when I do, I'll be thankful for the opportunities this place has given me, but I will always associate this town with introducing me to the reality of death...and so much of it.
Today, I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel hopeless. I want to scream. But I also want to be calm and reflect.
I am from Colorado- a diehard Broncos fan. So today, I should be elated. And I was. I was hugging. I was screaming. I was cheering. And then hours later, gone.
What is it about this month? This year? Going back on an earlier post- I've known so many people who've died, and died early. But only since moving to rural Alaska. Before that, I knew 1. 1.
Today, just hours ago, I received a phone call. Another friend found cold. He went out partying last night, and people saw him leave early this morning. His girlfriend was out in Anchorage with his children for the long weekend. She became concerned when she couldn't reach him and called the police for a welfare check. He was found dead. No cause yet- obviously.
He was just slightly older than I- 33 or 34. He had two young children, both under 6.
He had an issue with both alcohol and meth- and was a very large man, so probably not the best heart.
Still...what is it with this month? I knew a 22 year old who died last month- but didn't really know her well. And now, this makes 3 this month. 1 friend, 1 acquaintance, and him- a good friend.
I just don't know. This small place is filled with death. I will eventually move. And when I do, I'll be thankful for the opportunities this place has given me, but I will always associate this town with introducing me to the reality of death...and so much of it.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
The weathers not as extreme where I live and the communities probably a little larger but we get the gamut of natural things here - floods, fires, cyclones...it makes you realise how cheap life can be, as well as how valuable each day is...
D
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
Yep. Sounds sad, but life really can be taken away at the drop of a hat.
The fact that life is so short would make some people wonder why bother being sober. If you enjoy drinking, why not drink? But it only validates the decision. Why spend what little time you have in this world unable to remember what you did or why you did it?
Anyway- hope everyone is safe tonight and doing something they love. Tomorrow is our first day back at work. Should be hard...yet again.
The fact that life is so short would make some people wonder why bother being sober. If you enjoy drinking, why not drink? But it only validates the decision. Why spend what little time you have in this world unable to remember what you did or why you did it?
Anyway- hope everyone is safe tonight and doing something they love. Tomorrow is our first day back at work. Should be hard...yet again.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
yep...I see the 'life is short argument so PAR-TAY' here and elsewhere sometimes....
for me I didn't want to die a drunk - and I've done more in the last seven years than in the 20 before that - so for me at least the decision to get sober is well and truly been vindicated.
my life matters now. That makes a lot of difference
D
for me I didn't want to die a drunk - and I've done more in the last seven years than in the 20 before that - so for me at least the decision to get sober is well and truly been vindicated.
my life matters now. That makes a lot of difference
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
Just checking in...probably because the AV was there tonight.
Went to the funeral tonight. The toxicology came back on my friend Thursday. His heart medication had a bad reaction with 4 other drugs + alcohol...whatever he was using that night.
It was sad at the funeral...not just because he died, but seeing how he lived his life. I didn't know it, but he had a son when he was a teen. He then abandoned him to move up north and party. His older son came up, but was very bitter from the abandonment. But it was clear from everyone all he wanted to do was be carefree. He settled down again in the last few years and had some more kids...but I felt terrible for that teenage son of his- the one none of us knew about.
So there were so many of us who showed up and wanted to talk about what an awesome party friend he was...and then you saw those left behind.
I hope it was worth it to him in the end, but somehow, I doubt it.
Went to the funeral tonight. The toxicology came back on my friend Thursday. His heart medication had a bad reaction with 4 other drugs + alcohol...whatever he was using that night.
It was sad at the funeral...not just because he died, but seeing how he lived his life. I didn't know it, but he had a son when he was a teen. He then abandoned him to move up north and party. His older son came up, but was very bitter from the abandonment. But it was clear from everyone all he wanted to do was be carefree. He settled down again in the last few years and had some more kids...but I felt terrible for that teenage son of his- the one none of us knew about.
So there were so many of us who showed up and wanted to talk about what an awesome party friend he was...and then you saw those left behind.
I hope it was worth it to him in the end, but somehow, I doubt it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
That's so sad, Helen. It's always so sad for a child to be abandoned by a parent--so hard for the child not to wonder what was wrong with him or her for the parent to leave. I have seen it with a guy from the first marriage of a famous father. The son was all but forgotten with the father's new family--one time his father bothered to give him a watch, and he treasured it. Overall, though, he was haunted by his father's spectre and felt he could never up.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
That must have been difficult Helen.
Now I find it hard to believe that people party themselves into the grave...but a few years back I was doing the same thing.
For most of my drinking career, I never thought I could die from this...but I nearly did.
It makes the second chance we have that much more important I think.
D
Now I find it hard to believe that people party themselves into the grave...but a few years back I was doing the same thing.
For most of my drinking career, I never thought I could die from this...but I nearly did.
It makes the second chance we have that much more important I think.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
It's scary looking back on it. There were plenty of night I don't remember going to sleep. I woke up and found myself in areas I didn't remember even drinking at. But I always woke up, so I never really thought it was dangerous. But on the few nights I volunteered to be DD so I didn't need to drink in public, I'd find myself extremely concerned about the people passed-out, constantly checking them for breath and pulse. I never considered it at the time, but I was subconsciously realizing I was afraid of my own death in the same way.
I still love the guy, but he has forever marked the life of the child he abandoned. That child can grow up and be someone amazing, but it will always be there that his father abandoned him for the party lifestyle and drugged himself to an early grave. As for his other children, they'll know their dad loved them and probably not really understand the truth until their older, I hope.
I still love the guy, but he has forever marked the life of the child he abandoned. That child can grow up and be someone amazing, but it will always be there that his father abandoned him for the party lifestyle and drugged himself to an early grave. As for his other children, they'll know their dad loved them and probably not really understand the truth until their older, I hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
Ever feel like the entire world is working against you...that everyone around you is suffering and the world is just biding its time until it strikes you next?
Another friend...who just happens to be the uncle of my friend who died (but a bit older at 44)...suffered a massive stroke this morning. Fortunately, they caught it as it was happening.
Unfortunately, we still live in rural Alaska and the flights were grounded across the State for bad weather...so he was not able to be medievaked...but we do have a medical facility here that can stabilize. He's paralyzed on one half of his body right now...but they broke up the blood clot.
This has to be one of the worst streaks of months I ever had regarding my friends' health.
At least with him, it had nothing to do with addiction...but 44 is still too young to be having massive strokes, especially since he seemed in great shape.
I seriously need to re-evaluate my life and see if money really is worth being in this environment any longer. It's just not healthy.
Another friend...who just happens to be the uncle of my friend who died (but a bit older at 44)...suffered a massive stroke this morning. Fortunately, they caught it as it was happening.
Unfortunately, we still live in rural Alaska and the flights were grounded across the State for bad weather...so he was not able to be medievaked...but we do have a medical facility here that can stabilize. He's paralyzed on one half of his body right now...but they broke up the blood clot.
This has to be one of the worst streaks of months I ever had regarding my friends' health.
At least with him, it had nothing to do with addiction...but 44 is still too young to be having massive strokes, especially since he seemed in great shape.
I seriously need to re-evaluate my life and see if money really is worth being in this environment any longer. It's just not healthy.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think places like Alaska have a little bit of the frontier mentality - it's like the Northern Territory here...the harsh conditions breeds almost a fatalism or a devil may care attitude that lends itself to extremes of substance abuse.
If it's getting you down - and I sure can see why it might...then, yeah - maybe it's time to move Helen?
D
If it's getting you down - and I sure can see why it might...then, yeah - maybe it's time to move Helen?
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
If it was just the friend today, I think I stand to remain. But I've known too many people who've died of addiction here, and the temptations are all around. Temptation will be wherever I go- but maybe there will be a few more distractions. Right now my only distraction is the computer, and everyone still knows me as that beer drinker, so I had people show up at my house for the Super Bowl yesterday, seeking alcohol and getting angry when I said I was dry.
I think I need a clean start in a place with better health care. Unfortunately, I don't know if my husband is so willing to move since his mother lives here and is unwilling to go, yet in constant need of our assistance.
Too much to weigh in a single day, I guess.
I think I need a clean start in a place with better health care. Unfortunately, I don't know if my husband is so willing to move since his mother lives here and is unwilling to go, yet in constant need of our assistance.
Too much to weigh in a single day, I guess.
12 May 2013
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Central Mediterranean
Posts: 43
Hi all, just checking in on 9 months and 1 day. Thank you all for your posts and updates; I read them all and appreciate them, even if I sometimes don't know what to say.
I've kind of gotten used to not drinking. This is not to say that I don't think about it. I guess this is my AV's way of luring me into a false sense of security, and he'll pounce when the time is right. So I have to keep my guard up.
Wishing you all the best and hope you're all as positive as can be in the circumstances.
Darren
I've kind of gotten used to not drinking. This is not to say that I don't think about it. I guess this is my AV's way of luring me into a false sense of security, and he'll pounce when the time is right. So I have to keep my guard up.
Wishing you all the best and hope you're all as positive as can be in the circumstances.
Darren
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