Lost3000

1) This lady in my home group. She's an attorney, and thinks she's super special. We have set time limits to 3 min. She ignores it and keeps on blabbing, past 2 alarms. And not even on topic, just stories she thinks are really funny.

2) My younger, adult brother. We don't have a tight relationship. He never wants to do anything with me. I keep extending invites, he keeps turning it down. Tonight I was hoping for dinner at my house, instead he's going to stop by for legal advice only. Glad I can help (*sarcasm*).

How do I deal with these resentments?

bbthumper

Good old 4 columns and sharing with my sponsor always does the trick for me. Something about putting it in black and white always helps me see more clearly.
Also the 4th step prayers on teh top of p. 67 help me greatly.

Lost3000

Well, that's where I'm stuck, in the columns.

1. Attorney in home group
2. Hogged meeting time
3. Made me feel/affected me.....?
4. My part in it....?

StepWithMe

I've had a similar situation and for me it affected me significantly. I was resentful because they made me feel like I was wasting my time. There's an awful lot of I/Me in that last sentence, don't you think?

Tommyh

column number one
name the person,institution or principle with whom you are angry

column number two-the cause
why are you angry/Keep it brief

column number three-affects my ______ ___
here the book gives us what we need to look for
self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations,
our pocketbooks, our personal relationships

pray and write what you feel your HP gives you to write down here,and always put
(fear) in there last like the big book example because later on you will identify the fear.

next pray the sick man`s prayer for each name on your list like the book says.

you should have a example like the big books at this point
left side of page with all your writings on it,and the right side black

also only put 3 or 4 names per page on the left,that leaves you room to write out the column 4 on the right side of the page
I`ll post column 4 later on today , I`m in the middle of work right now
remember to read the big book before any writing and pray first

Lost3000

Yeah, a lot of me. And while the attorney talking at the mtg has long-term sobriety - she doesn't seem happy to me. As for my brother, I dunno. I try not to have expectations. Like when I invited him over for dinner, I tried to remind myself how he is. But it still bothers me when he turns me down. Like, am I just not a good enough sister for him to want to spend time with me?? (self-esteem, fear). Do I s*ck as a sister? (fear).

sugarbear1

I can't see my part, this is where a discussion with my sponsor comes to play. My sponsor can call me on my behavior faster than I can see it, or they will relate a story and I will then see what my part is...it just works out that way, somehow.


Another thing my sponsor had suggested is to write a page (front and back, if necessary and no longer) and to just keep writing. When done, wait a day and then read it the next. It's amazing what I can write about, forget, and then when I read it voila! It's all there in front of me. I still don't know how that works, but it works out just fine.

Best wishes, Lost!

sugarbear1

You probably don't suck as a sister. Sometimes it's not about us. Your brother is just busy....(You'll figure it out, more will be revealed).

The attorney might remind you of someone who isn't really working on herself too much....in some way....is there something about her that might remind you of yourself?


My most recent mini-resentment:
This young woman comes to a noon meeting, but shows up in the last 20 minutes, raises her hand, and talks about stuff that a sponsor or network should hear. Must we know about her morning? Why she was late? (lame excuses in my opinion). She'll break down and cry, she'll talk about highly personal things, she sounds like a mess. She claims to have 5 months now. She has a sponsor, doesn't call her (I asked her).

Does she irk me, YES! Why? Because I can hear her BS, I can see through it, and I DO wonder if she's completely sober because I played that game in my past. oops.

She reminds me of me when I wasn't serious about AA, when I pretended (lied, manipulated, needed attention, needed drama in my life and I wasn't working the steps of AA, so I was a fraud) to be sober and working the AA steps.

I got that out of talking with someone after the meeting. An eye-opener for sure. Now I can be more compassionate and tolerant of this person who is struggling to find and keep sobriety. Wow.

bbthumper

Sometimes my part can be simply that I am being inconsiderate in forgetting that others are flawed as am i.

DayTrader

Just MY OPINION..... but here's how I'd approach it if I put myself in your shoes:

1.
woman in meeting

2.
a - breaks group sharing rules
b - selfishly hogs time
c - bores me with off-topic stories
d - isn't as good an AA member as I want her to be

3.
I do an expanded third column for a --> d above in #2 (when it's a short resentment inventory like this one is - two resentments)
1. -SELF ESTEEM: How I see or feel about myself. "The role I've assigned myself." Sentences start with- "I am..." Example: I am the best AA member in the group
I should shut her long shares down. I am a better member then her. I am more mature than her. I am more "recovered" than she is. I'm a more responsible group member than she is. I know (better than her....and better than God) exactly how this meeting should proceed.
2. -PRIDE: How I think others see me or feel about me. "The rold I've assigned others" Start sentences with - "Others should..." or "No one should..." or "Others can..."
Others should want ME to share longer than her since I'm a better group member. No one should break any rules (unless it's me.....and unless I have a good reason to). (LOL!!) She should know better than to be doing things that I find so unattractive and detrimental to AA. Her long shares bore ppl.....and then they don't listen to me when it's my turn.
3. - AMBITION: What I want to happen here. Start sentences with- "I want..."
I want her to stop at three minutes like I always do. I want her to follow the rules that I think are important for her to follow. I want to be the boss and run the meeting.
4. SECURITY: What I need here to be okay. Start sentences iwth- "I need....to be okay."
I need her to follow the rules to be ok. I need her to stop talking after her allotted time to be okay.
5. PERSONAL RELATIONS: My deep seated beliefs of how this relationship is supposed to look. ("Wives trust their husbands" "Mothers respect their son's choices" "Real friends always agree with me"
Real AA members follow the rules of the group conscience. Women with "x" amount of time should know better then to break rules. Attorneys love to hear themselves talk and she should be working the steps to recover from this defect.
6. SEX RELATIONS: My deep-seated beliefs of how real men and/or real women are supposed to be. Start sentences with- "A real man.... and/or woman..."
A real woman is compassionate and nurturing.....not one to hog time and ignore others.
7. POCKET BOOK: Affects my finances. Start with- "No one can/should/shouldn't....." or "Others can/can't/should/shouldn't"
I paid my dollar or two to be here and she should make sure I get my money's worth. I spent X amount of time getting here and I deserve a better meeting than this. I'm getting cheated in these meetings.

........that's what I'd come up with, for me, for letter A in column 2. Then go on to letter B and do it all over again.

Column 4
I DO NOT DO "my part in it."
- disregard the other person entirely.....this is your inventory, not hers
- where was I to blame, before? during? after? what did I do?
- look at the things you do to hold onto the resentment
- look at the things you do to protect yourself and how you look. I shun, I gossip, I yell.
- Stay focused on what you've seen so far in column 1-3 as your write.

--Consider the following questions-
Where had I been........
1. SELF SEEKING - look around the whoe resentment. What did I do? Where was I to blame? My selfish actions were.....
2. SELFISH - What was my selfish thinking while I was doing the above self-seeking actions? My selfish attitudes were....
3. DISHONEST: What were the lies I was telling myself that resulted in my selfish thinking above? I was in the delusion that.......
4. AFRAID: What are the fears that drive the delusions above? I was afraid....


--note: The fears that drive the delusions, that result in the attitude that are behind the actions (see AA Big Book, page 62 - "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity" {my attitude}



and no......not much of what you write (if you're honest about it) will be all that flattering or look particularly "good." LOL. that's the beauty of it. You'll see that it's not her......nor is is what she's doing.... that's bothering you. It's that you're back on self-will......back to being selfish.......and back to thinking you're the actor who can run the whole show. Hence, ALL YOUR TROUBLES ARE OF YOUR OWN MAKING. -- The good news in that is this: "she" doesn't have to change one teeney tiney bit for you to get past the resentment. Just YOU have to change.......and whaddya know......we've got steps 5-9 to work that part out.

hope that helps.

Lost3000

Wowzer, I'll give this some thought and will write back. THANKS!!!!!!!!!!

FlyerFan

Whenever you're stuck always consult your sponsor. That helped me a lot when I had things that I couldn't let go.

Tommyh

here is my late column 4

it is easy to see my part when doing it this way
I just ask myself a few questions and with God`s help I can see where self had got into my life and was killing me

here are the column 4 questions my sponsor had me answer for each resentment and I wrote out each answer the best I could.I did leave a few blank here or there as no answer came

1.Selfish:
What did I want?

2.Dishonest:
what was the lie I told myself?
What would I not get or receive?

I thought _________________
I told myself_____________________
I pretended____________________

3.self seeking:
What did I do to get what I wanted?
How did I manipulate?


4.frightened:
What was I afraid of?
What was the fear?(name it by name )____________
What might I lose or not get?

these answers looked like a paragraph when I wrote them in column 4.No more columns was necessary.
The fear I named was transferred over to the fear list

Lost3000

FF - I talk to my sponsor too. And go to meetings and talk about it there. I also post here to get different perspectives. You thought this was my only outlet?

FredG

Resentments are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

#1 - there's always someone like this at any group. Some of us are sicker than others.

#2 - I've a sister that still doesn't believe I've quit drinking despite 34 years. I suddenly realized that it wasn't her company or love I was looking for, it was her approval. Turned out I'd been looking for her approval all my life. I also realized at this point that I didn't need it. I'd still like to have a relationship with her, but I no longer live for it. If it happens it happens.

Lost3000

Phew. I got thru my 4th step over the weekend and wanted to share my thoughts on this particular topic of the attorney.

I was to blame in assuming that she's not as valid an AA member as myself. I assumed she had nothing valuable to share and that's not fair at all. I have no idea how her words affected others, she may very well have helped someone, I dunno - not my deal.

What did I do? I ignored her share. Completely. I walked out of the mtg during her share, instead of trying to listen and take away what I could use.

I completely ignored her as a person. Later I considered that she might very well be in a tough place, struggling, who knows? Maybe she just had a hard day. Maybe she's on the verge of drinking again. Or maybe she's just fine. But it's my problem in deciding that she's just a blathering nobody.

What would serve her and I better, would be for me to approach her and take her to coffee. Get to know her instead of making rash critical judgments.

How'd I do?

Lost3000

This is the part that really stood out to me, as seen in my post above. I have no idea where she was coming from, and I didn't bother to consider it. And not to say that she's more or less sick than I am, she just is sick, like me.

I'm sorry about your sister, that blows. My brother has often blown me off whenever I reached out to him, and it hurts. I wanted him to want to be around me, hang with me, be the brother I wanted. I realized that he is what he is. Lately he's been reaching out to me, and I'm happy for it.

TheJungianThing

Great thread, thanks for it. Always fresh stuff going on to inventory and always get some great stuff here. Thanks again.

Tommyh

good work so far,did you find the fear under that resentment?

DayTrader

You did great! I didn't see those sorts of things in MY inventory for quite a while. It seems you're much smarter than I am....... lol, not like that's a big feather in your hat....... LOLOLOL.

One of the truths about inventory is that the more you do it, the better you get at it. I've heard a lot of "4th Step talks" and learned a lot of tips and tricks for getting to the truth. Also, I've heard a lot of ppl just plain old talk about themselves...... sort of like 5th stepping. By listening to them, I can learn something about me - maybe something that's been true about me for quite a while that I was deluded about......blocked from seeing.