abomino13

I am not sure what Detox day I am on anymore. The 11 year prescribed Xanax has been out of my system for over two weeks...the Librium to get me off the Xanax has been out of my system for over a week. I wanted to share something with you all. As I am going thru this, I was finishing a book (a friend happened to know a publisher and its a long story). There are so many happy cure anxiety books out there...I had no interest in writing one. I dont believe the people who write them to be reputable at all. I declined because while I have all the experience in the world as far as anxiety, panic and such..I was not cured. It opened a door for me to write my story instead. It will be called "The Qualified Pessimist-Tales of Love, Sex, Death, God & Murder in the key of X" It was hard going thru (and still going thru) this detox to write about Xanax and my struggles...but everything in that title is in the book. I wanted to share a small excerpt from chapter 4 "Welcome to the New Occupation"


Excerpt from Chapter 4 "Welcome to the New Occupation".

Not only was I out of the house, I was about to take the stage for the first time in over 11 years. I was terrified. I walked out and saw all these people. The venue was full. In the sea of people were other musicians competing, friends and family of the other musicians as well as people who just happened to be in the club. My friend gave me a push as I was announced. I was so scared that I would be out of tune and need to tune up. I tuned my guitar 7 times before walking out. I opened my mouth and nothing came out as my fingers fumbled and missed the chords. I coughed nervously and made a joke. The room was silent and I was mortified. Here I was screwing up the first note. The silence seemed to last forever after my failed attempt at a joke. I needed something here badly. It was in that moment that I leaned in closer to the microphone and softly said “This is the return of the great one, the return of the ego, the return of Shawn Crosby”. It was then, that the persona was born. It was no less fake than a ten dollar Rolex from China Town but I didn’t know what else to do but pretend to be overconfident. I would love to tell you the room exploded into a roar of applause, but it did not. The problem was, that I announced the return of someone they had no idea was ever gone. A few pity hand claps followed and I played the first song. I was taken a back by the actual applause after I finished my first song out of four. With each song, people seemed to like me more. I advanced to the next round and won the overall contest. The woman who put the contest together was a low level booking agent in the area. She wanted to book me places, and I agreed. I started to play shows. All original material by me with a few exceptions here and there. I had to rent a sound system each time and it was cutting into the money I was making. I was also becoming popular with women. Suddenly I was no longer the fat man. Instead I was the handsome man. Getting women wound up being like shooting fish in a barrel for me. It started off rocky though. I was a few months away from the women, days away from having to start a new job and still years away from finding my Terra girl who would be my forever soul-mate and put me back together again. As I won the contest, I noticed it was time to take my Xanax. Never miss a dose. Don’t let the beast out. My Xanax and I walked away for the evening a winner....but what I loser I truly was. My prescription addiction crutch was in full effect. I though we were friends, Xanax afforded me the opportunity to survive the evening.....A year later I would fall over and wake up in an ambulance, but for now...it was just a little bit of ok.