Things I DON'T miss about my 10 year opiate bender...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 313
Things I DON'T miss about my 10 year opiate bender...
I first came to this site a few months ago after a 10 year legally prescribed opiate dependence became a burden that I just didn't want to carry anymore. I tapered down for about a month and then a little more than a month ago I stopped completely. That sucked, of course, but now I'm at a point where the remaining symptoms are not killing me and I can really appreciate this new found freedom. So I decided to start this thread to list all the things about my hopefully ex-habit that I will not miss. I really believe that a good part of this battle to stay free from dope is a head game and anything that reminds me of the grief I left behind can only help to lessen PAWS. Feel free to contribute the things you guys don't miss. Or hope to one day not miss. Here we go.
Things I don't miss about my old opiate habit:
1) waking up feeling like crap and needing to take a pill just to feel normal
2) not being able to go anywhere without first counting the meds in my pocket to be sure that I had "enough"
3) counting the remaining pills at the end of the month cause I knew my scrip wouldn't last
4) not having a good day and taking more pills "just because"
5) not feeling like doing anything "just because"
6) the feeling toward the end of my using days that my life was over, I had done the things I was gonna do and I was just waiting to die
7) my non-existent sex life
8) the damage I was doing to my liver with the Lortab APAP
9) being devoid of feelings or emotions
10) the feeling inside that I couldn't live without "them"
That's a start folks. Add ones you can think of too. Let's make this a long list.
Things I don't miss about my old opiate habit:
1) waking up feeling like crap and needing to take a pill just to feel normal
2) not being able to go anywhere without first counting the meds in my pocket to be sure that I had "enough"
3) counting the remaining pills at the end of the month cause I knew my scrip wouldn't last
4) not having a good day and taking more pills "just because"
5) not feeling like doing anything "just because"
6) the feeling toward the end of my using days that my life was over, I had done the things I was gonna do and I was just waiting to die
7) my non-existent sex life
8) the damage I was doing to my liver with the Lortab APAP
9) being devoid of feelings or emotions
10) the feeling inside that I couldn't live without "them"
That's a start folks. Add ones you can think of too. Let's make this a long list.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Cloud 9...and without drugs ;)
Posts: 54
While on opiates, every day was the same for me. If I had a really good day, it never stood out in my mind because every day was the same to me. Every day I had a pill buzz... Vacations didn't seem as fun as they used to. Nothing seemed as fun as it used to.
I definitely won't miss that. Now I'm enjoying the good days that I have, and they stand out in my mind
. I'm creating wonderful memories again and I love it.
I definitely won't miss that. Now I'm enjoying the good days that I have, and they stand out in my mind
. I'm creating wonderful memories again and I love it.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Great read! I will put in my two cents
-running out of my refill within a few days, then having so spend way too much money on pills from my dealer.
-the anger I would think going to the atm, taking out 180 bucks to buy 25 pills, when I just had 90 from the doctor for 10 BUCKS
-stressing about money, if I ran out of money and pills I had to prepare to be sick
-guilty feeling I would have after stealing from people I knew that had pills
-the constant sense of urgency I always felt when I would be close to running out
-watching the clock while I was on work, just waiting for 4pm because that was when my dealer got off work
-being on other peoples time schedule just to get my high
-hiding pills around my house so that I could find one later on when I was out. Searching on top of counters, in random places, shoes, clothes, then that one pill would fall out and I would be so happy. HOW PATHETIC.
-the day I got the runs so bad at work due to withdrawal, it got on my skirt??? I had to wear that skirt the rest of the day? God. that makes me ill now.
-getting the yawns so bad while working, always hearing everyone say I look tired.
-going through withdrawals so many times I knew how they would be more then I knew what my real self was like
-I miss my 38,000 dollar retirement check that I cashed out to pay off people, then to continue to buy more drugs, even though I swore to myself once I got that money, paid everyone off, I would quit! HA HA yeah right, I always found an excuse to get more pills.
-I hate that vicodin, percocet, morphine, whatever I could get my hands off stole my laugh. I love to laugh. How come we don't have that deep belly laugh when we are on drugs. Amazing how that takes something free, simple, positive, away.
I am 4 months and some change clean today off of those little devils. I feel good. I have bad days still, but they are nothing like I mentioned above. Even today it is raining, chilly, and I slept wrong on my neck, a quick thought did come through about how nice it would be to take a pill....recovery is constant, it has to be. I need to do more now that I am 4 months in, work the steps, get a sponsor, or find something. But for now I have SR, and a full time reminder, my 18 month old daughter. She does not need to be raised with a using addict like I was...
-running out of my refill within a few days, then having so spend way too much money on pills from my dealer.
-the anger I would think going to the atm, taking out 180 bucks to buy 25 pills, when I just had 90 from the doctor for 10 BUCKS
-stressing about money, if I ran out of money and pills I had to prepare to be sick
-guilty feeling I would have after stealing from people I knew that had pills
-the constant sense of urgency I always felt when I would be close to running out
-watching the clock while I was on work, just waiting for 4pm because that was when my dealer got off work
-being on other peoples time schedule just to get my high
-hiding pills around my house so that I could find one later on when I was out. Searching on top of counters, in random places, shoes, clothes, then that one pill would fall out and I would be so happy. HOW PATHETIC.
-the day I got the runs so bad at work due to withdrawal, it got on my skirt??? I had to wear that skirt the rest of the day? God. that makes me ill now.
-getting the yawns so bad while working, always hearing everyone say I look tired.
-going through withdrawals so many times I knew how they would be more then I knew what my real self was like
-I miss my 38,000 dollar retirement check that I cashed out to pay off people, then to continue to buy more drugs, even though I swore to myself once I got that money, paid everyone off, I would quit! HA HA yeah right, I always found an excuse to get more pills.
-I hate that vicodin, percocet, morphine, whatever I could get my hands off stole my laugh. I love to laugh. How come we don't have that deep belly laugh when we are on drugs. Amazing how that takes something free, simple, positive, away.
I am 4 months and some change clean today off of those little devils. I feel good. I have bad days still, but they are nothing like I mentioned above. Even today it is raining, chilly, and I slept wrong on my neck, a quick thought did come through about how nice it would be to take a pill....recovery is constant, it has to be. I need to do more now that I am 4 months in, work the steps, get a sponsor, or find something. But for now I have SR, and a full time reminder, my 18 month old daughter. She does not need to be raised with a using addict like I was...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Cloud 9...and without drugs ;)
Posts: 54
Wow... I remember taking apart the heat vents trying to find a pill I might've dropped.
I would lick pill crumbs out of my wallet when I ran out. That's embarrassing to me now. I let go of every single one of my responsibilities. All I could think about was getting high again. My house became a wreck. I can't stand the person I was.
I really like this thread. It's a good reminder to former addicts of how low we'd become.
I would lick pill crumbs out of my wallet when I ran out. That's embarrassing to me now. I let go of every single one of my responsibilities. All I could think about was getting high again. My house became a wreck. I can't stand the person I was.
I really like this thread. It's a good reminder to former addicts of how low we'd become.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 313
Great contributions so far. My back is killing me this morning. The thought has crossed my mind more than once that a pill would fix that so I can relate to the fact that our recovery must trudge on if we are to be successful with this newly won "freedom". Or soon to be won freedom from those who are tired of their bondage. A few more things I don't miss about that part of my life:
11) Early on in my habit, when I'd inevitably run out early, I found that I was getting colds and flus a lot. What an idiot! I was in withdrawal and didn't even know it.
12) The numbness. It's great as pain management goes but the numbness is progressive over time. It creeps into your emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions and even your soul. At least my soul felt like Satan had a really powerful vacuum cleaner and was sucking it out. Oh wait, that was my initial WD.
13) I don't miss that either. Withdrawals suck big time.
14) hmmm? How about reaching out to all your friends and contacts when you run out with no alternatives and give them all some BS story on why you need a few pills? That was pathetic. Even more pathetic was how happy I was if just one of them "came through".
That's all for now folks. Carry on and live the dream!
11) Early on in my habit, when I'd inevitably run out early, I found that I was getting colds and flus a lot. What an idiot! I was in withdrawal and didn't even know it.
12) The numbness. It's great as pain management goes but the numbness is progressive over time. It creeps into your emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions and even your soul. At least my soul felt like Satan had a really powerful vacuum cleaner and was sucking it out. Oh wait, that was my initial WD.
13) I don't miss that either. Withdrawals suck big time.
14) hmmm? How about reaching out to all your friends and contacts when you run out with no alternatives and give them all some BS story on why you need a few pills? That was pathetic. Even more pathetic was how happy I was if just one of them "came through".
That's all for now folks. Carry on and live the dream!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
The list is getting long and all I seem to be able to add is "Yeah". I have felt everything except the dealer things as I was a conniving, manipulating thief taking advantage of every doctor or person on the face of the earth that had anything I could use. I don't miss the awful guilt ofmbeing that person.
I don't miss the fear that if I was in an accident - I drive all day long - that I would be found to have illegally obtained drugs in my system and would lose my job and my license.
I don't miss having pills fall out of my pocket while sitting down or reaching to get my phone or keys - or pills.
I don't miss fear, guilt, regret, shame.
I don't miss withdrawal either but am so glad that I went through it.
I don't miss the fear that if I was in an accident - I drive all day long - that I would be found to have illegally obtained drugs in my system and would lose my job and my license.
I don't miss having pills fall out of my pocket while sitting down or reaching to get my phone or keys - or pills.
I don't miss fear, guilt, regret, shame.
I don't miss withdrawal either but am so glad that I went through it.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Gosh, when I think about it, I am pretty sure I begged and pleaded with every person I knew at some point or another begging and pleading for pills. UGH so embarassing. And like you guys said, if one of them came through I would be in heaven. I remember at one point driving an hour away to meet a friend whom I only used to speak to on facebook, and had not seen her in 10 YEARS. OMG wow. Talk about desperate. She gave me 4 pills that she took from her father n law. wow. God I do not miss those days at ALLLLLLL. I do not miss being a slave to anything. FMTT, stay strong buddy!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 44
Great thread. Here are some that come to mind.
1) being a slave and all the despair that comes with it
2) the first wave of anxiety and sweats when the withdrawal was just starting
3) the numbness to life (both the ups and downs)
4) all the good years that I missed
5) the inability to experience pleasure from anything else
6) waiting for the dealer who said he will "be there in twenty" and shows up promptly five hours later
7) kissing the dealer's ass anway when he does show up five hours later
8) ***** pharmacists who don't realize that at 12:01AM it is the "next day"
9) wondering if I was going to wake up dead
1) being a slave and all the despair that comes with it
2) the first wave of anxiety and sweats when the withdrawal was just starting
3) the numbness to life (both the ups and downs)
4) all the good years that I missed
5) the inability to experience pleasure from anything else
6) waiting for the dealer who said he will "be there in twenty" and shows up promptly five hours later
7) kissing the dealer's ass anway when he does show up five hours later
8) ***** pharmacists who don't realize that at 12:01AM it is the "next day"
9) wondering if I was going to wake up dead
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Another thing I do not miss is always having to lie about where my money was going. Even today my husband was asking where some money went (we have guest in town from USA and been taking them out, we spent a lot on them last week) and he second guessed me, asked me to write down exactly where the money went. The old me would have been super super defensive, screaming, yelling, making this huge deal. I basically because I am clean now, I just quietly deal with it. I have nothing to hide. It feels good living a clean life. Even if I still get accused.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Devon UK
Posts: 5
When I take opiates, I become lazy and downright selfish. Hiding what I had been doing, and turning to whiskey and brandy as a substitute because I knew I wasn't able to get hold of more.
I'm still in the early stages of recovery, and I feel really sick with the withdrawal. I'd do anything just for a couple of pills, but I need to keep through this. I'm hoping it gets easier.
I'm still in the early stages of recovery, and I feel really sick with the withdrawal. I'd do anything just for a couple of pills, but I need to keep through this. I'm hoping it gets easier.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: parkersburg, wv
Posts: 178
I don't miss my life being dictated by the refill date (I had over 12 different prescriptions and would ration each one until the next one was due so I wouldn't ever go into complete withdrawl each month) I don't miss the paranoid feeling I got at the pharmacy and feeling like everyone in there was calling me a junkie. I don't miss calling my doctors office early for refills and be worried they would catch me. I don't miss my moods and activities being centered around a pill. I don't miss taking 10 laxatives just so I could go to the bathroom. I don't miss the sweats I would get if I took too many pills. I don't miss worrying about whether I would wake up or not. I don't miss the money I would spend on my monthly pills. I don't miss rehabs or psych units. I don't miss being sick from withdrawls and having my kids see it. I don't miss making my parents worry so much about me and their grandchildren.
Man-I am so glad I am off this stuff. This is a reminder to me of where I don't want to go back to!
Man-I am so glad I am off this stuff. This is a reminder to me of where I don't want to go back to!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 313
Good ones Sophia. I can relate to almost everything you listed except worrying about waking up. For me, toward the end, I honestly didn't care if I woke up. I thought my life had run it's course, I had seen and done enough and if I dropped dead it wouldn't have bothered me in the least. God I don't miss that feeling.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: east coast
Posts: 19
When Im on opiates, I lose all desire to be around people. I don't miss waiting around on a dealer who keeps telling u hell be back in a half hour. I'm 4 days clean and already am noticing these things. I also had no sex drive and i don't miss withdrawing at work. Opiates took my soul and i haven't totally gotten it back yet, this is the longest ive gone without in a long time. 3rd time trying to nget clean and this time i think ive realized how bad i really want it.
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