frankinnc

Hi, I just did almost 6 years in prison. And, while in there, did meetings, worked the steps, became involved in Zen Buddhism (meditation everyday for last several years), exercised, experienced what I thought was a total transformation. My way of thinking had totally changed. It was very authentic. Then I got out and everything was fine for like a month. And then reality smacked me in the face. Sure, I knew that my problems would be awaiting me when I got out, but things got really, really tough fast..no job, riding a bicycle, crappy clothes, no friends as I've cut off all the old ones due to their being drug dealers, users, etc., living with my mom, I have no wife or kids and I'm in my thirties,yada yada yada. So, I started isolating, got really really bored, started dwelling on the many, many problems I have and developed a "**** it" attitude and went out and smoked some crack..and I've smoked at least 20 bucks (sometimes more) of crack everyday for the last 14 days or so and feel like a complete moron ( and, of course, want more and more crack!) When I think about it, It's amazing to me that I went from having absolutely no desire to use again to conciously getting back on it. And now everythings going down hill fast again. I hav'nt started stealing yet or broken the law for it, but I can feel it coming. I dont want to go back to how I was before I went to prison (I was a total full-time crackhead/criminal extremist back then!), but then at the same time I've discovered that My life is sh*t whether I'm sober or high. Any suggestions? ---thanks

wow04

Welcome!!

Have you tried NA? My BF is an ex felon crack addict in recovery. He has faced many issues with getting a job. It can be frustrating. He has found love and support in 12 step programs.

KnowHope

hey welcome back to the outside, i know that getting back to the real world just from my alcoholism/addiction has been one of the biggest challenges, there was so much i lost over the years in which i sought oblivion. if you did meetings in prison i see no reason not to do them now that you're free, in fact they may help on nearly all fronts. you can meet others in recovery who have been just where you are, make new friends, stop feeling so alone and different because you just sound like an addict to me. its also where you can get a sponsor to get you right back into the steps so you can find a new way to live in freedom. you're right addiction is progressive even if we haven't used in a long time so i'd be expecting things to keep going downhill unless you take action right away. i am glad you're reaching out and hope the very best for you, it's an amazing life i hope you do your best to really live it, the chance is in your hands

frankinnc

Yeah, I went to NA in prison, but I avoid the NA meetings nearby because their really unstable and the meeting place is directly across the street from one of the blocks that I used to hang out on and smoke crack all day, lol. I had been going to AA meetings when I got out but of course I'm not allowed to discuss my addiction there because of their "singleness of purpose tradition"(even though probaly 2 thirds of the folks at this meeting are also ex-fiends) and I am/was having a hard time breaking into their cliques and connecting with the AA folks. But anyways, 12 steps are great but I was hoping to investigate some alternative recovery routes now that I'm out of prison but now I've relapsed. BTW,Thanks for replying.

seanie1888

Just try get clean again bud

CarolD

We have a Fourm....Secular Connections that is not about
12 Step Recovery.

As I'm AA recovered alcoholic...I have no expereince with
anything posted there but please do check it out.

Welcome...

frankinnc

"i'm hearing a lot of "excuses" why the NA meetings won't work and how cliquish the AA meeting is, etc etc. bottom line you CHOSE to use again. and if you are ready, then you know EXACTLY what you have to do. "

Not really making excuses. If you knew how these meetings are you'd understand-trust me. Dude, not every complaint about a specific meeting is an excuse. Sometimes the complaints are valid. Simply put, the NA meeting is garbage ( and in da hood) and the AA meeting cliques are indeed hard to break into...really really hard. The few folks there that I actually chatted with ( and requested to be my temporary sponsor for the time being) either tried to push jesus down my throat or wanted me to go the whole"create your own higher power" route...whereas I prefer a sorta zen approach to it and have found an interpretation that suits me. Not replacing my beliefs for someone else's so that they'll be my sponsor. I'm a thourghly commited agnostic.But anyways, thanks.


"i am curious...if you are unemployed and living at mom's, where are you getting the money to smoke crack on a daily basis?"

We have something here in the NC DOC called "work-release". A person in minimum security can get an actual job out in society and earn real cash. So, anyways, I did that and got out with some cash, which I've been using to support myself here at my mom's(buy groceries, etc). I've actually done the responsible thing with this money for the most part. Could've bought a cheap car and put some designer labels across my ass...but then I wouldnt have been able to afford to support myself. So instead I bought a few cheap outfits, ordered and paid for a 2013 Honda scooter (which I should have next month), and bought a bicycle to ride until the scooter gets here. So there ya go. But now I'm spending between 20 and 50 bucks a day on crack,lol, and it's runnin gout fast...but on a positive note this shows that I'm not totally cracked out yet or else I'd spend it all on a crack binge. But then the fact that I have a 7pm probation curfew has helped keep me in check also.But anyways, thanks.

And Carol D, thanks for the info about secular recovery, Ima check it out. Thank you.

larrylive

Hey! I'm an ex crackhead felon in recovery too. As a matter of fact I smoked crack within 24hrs of my release. And the local NA meetings are on the same block I use to hang out on, not to mention being filled with a bunch of people living a lifestyle I can't understand (and i don't mean sober). So I had to start riding my bicycle to the meetings in the suburbs to find a different type of crowd. And just exactly what's the problem with riding a bike? I've been doing it for years, in upstate NY where we get some awesome snow. It's good exercise, it doesn't pollute, gas and insurance cost way to much, and I can get around the city qiucker than cars and buses.
So...we f*cked up, did things we should not have, I certainly had heard the warnings about crack, but chose to do it anyway. And now life is tough. But I think i can do it, as a matter of fact I think I can do something great, God willing. I just don't want to do it behind bars, God willing. So I would go for days without eating and sleeping and showering, I would climb high walls and fences, I would walk for miles and work like a dog all to smoke crack. I think I can put up with a little adversity when it comes to living in the real world. besides my kids call me now and that's enough reward for me.

Be well,
Larry

kiki5711

you had structure in prison and daily schedule to follow. Now you are on your own and don't know what to do with yourself and without the support. Maybe if you find a place that will give you support you can make it.

Zencat

Welcome to SR Frank

That f-it attitude is a real killer, I know first hand how it will bring a body down hard.

I like the zen philosophy as a guide to maintain my sanity. Being in the present moment as much as possible helps a person stay grounded. To use some slogan-ism its "first things first" mindset that helps.

As an implicit atheist, secular ways of addiction treatment and spirituality have the most meaning for me. I find as much meaning as I can with 12-step programs. There are limitations tho, having to swap my secular spirituality for a mystical spirituality is more that I can handle. So I can relate to you on that level.

Here's some links to secular addiction treatments: SOS, LifeRing,
SMART, CBT, DBT and AVRT

Being active here at SR is a great recovery practice. Getting and giving support is a nice way to feel apart of something larger, something helpful, for yourself, for others.

frankinnc

Firstly, yeah kiki your probaly right. The structure of a halfway house would be ideal. I'm hoping to move into an "Oxford house" eventually. Oxford houses are'nt as structured as most halfway/recovery houses but at least I'd be living with other recovering addicts. But, gotta find a job first as Oxford houses require cash.

Larrylive: Right on man I can totally relate, I like your post!!


Zencat: Yeah, I'm still amazed at how the whole F**k it mentality gained control so quickly. I'm usually pretty good at dealing with thoughts and emotions because of years of zazen practice. Normally I can just watch em come, watch em go, and maintain composure. Its crazy:I mean, I was chilling in my room, watching IDtv (lol), then I started thinking, and then next thing I know I was hating the world and peddling my bike to the crack house! Guess I didn't have it all together like I had thought! And thanks for the links, I'll check em out.-With a bow

Thanks everyone for your replies. Gonna start over and stay sober tomorrow! Day one all over again. Damn.

Justfor1

You are rolling the dice. Sooner or later the $20 a day crack habit is going to turn into a 2-3day crack bender. Of course, spending much, much more money.

pinkgurl87

Hugs I'm sorry you relapsed, hugs <3 Try to get back up and start again, you can do it. I believe in you. Don't let the 5 and half years be nothing you did a lot of work. Crack is my doc too, so I get it, hugs <3

Threshold

Frank, how about looking for a zen group, retreat etc?

That way you can use the ideas and skills you already found peace with, and build and grow a healthy community.

NA isn't the only group that can help us stay clean, building healthy supportive community around something purposeful in our lives helps us, no matter what that focus is.

If we are busy growing, helping, sharing...we aren't going to use.

If not a zen group (I lived in NC in a couple places and it has a lot of alternative minded folk) then some other sort of spirituality group?

I know the sort of "hood" meetings you are referring to, as well as the sort of AA meetings you are referring to, and I've found them less than helpful for me. So I have turned to other interests, strengths etc in my life as areas of growth that support my recovery.

SR is one of them!

You may be using again, but it's awesome you haven't given up on recovery.

You are out of prison, now I hope you can find freedom in the area of addiction as well.

Zee

Stay on SR for as long as you are awake! Brilliant advice above. Read as much as possible. You are at a fork in the road. One says 'recovery'... the other says ________________ (you gotta fill that bit in) Good luck to you x

frankinnc

Hi guys, thanks for the support. Yeah Threshold, the zen thing is great,the philosophy and meditation works well with recovery if you work it, however unfortunately the closest zen center is in chapel hill--about an hour away, however I recently posted on craigslist (lol) looking for folks to meditate with so hopefully something will come about. And this site is great too, Zee, I'll definitely be coming here time to time, especially while I'm unemployed. Well, 10:43am and hav'nt smoked any crack, doing fine for now, gonna go exercise or something to occuply myself as I'm sure the craving will be gaining momentum as the day goes by. Take care and thanks again.

stugotz

I love it when I read my story told by another. I feel you man, been there done that. Its "easier" to stay sober in DOC than on the street. I have more clean time in prison than free. But it can be done. Next month Ill be entering my 5th year of sobriety. It wasnt easy man, at first all I wanted to do was find a good enough excuse to get high again. Another thing is, finding a job as a felon, let alone multiple violent felonies like I have wasnt easy either. But I kept playing that tape over and over and asking myself if I really wanted to live like that again. You know as well as I do that to make it locked up for as long as we have we need to adapt. Well thats what you need to do on the outside. NA? You couldnt drag me to an NA meeting at fisrt. I was the problem not the meetings. I did AA straight out of the joint. Just stick to the solution not the problem. I introduce myself as an Alcoholic, but Im just a crackhead. I needed to remember that all the problems in my life were created by me, only with the help of my Higher Power could I change me. Just remember bro, you never have to live like that again. Good luck and God bless.

hotflash

Hey. Let's try this. Here the liquor stores just opened 11 minutes ago and I'm trying to not get up and go. I bet you may be sitting there trying to not leave this computer to go get high. Let's not do it today. Together, so to speak. Let's take it minute by minute and not do it today.

butterflyluver

Stay strong you can do it!! Its not worth going back to prison over! I cant really give much advise as im not an addict but im akways around if you just wanna chat!!!

frankinnc

Thanks guys.