Figuring it out as I go, but could use some advice
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Figuring it out as I go, but could use some advice
My husband has been using a combination of drugs – opiates, benzo-somethings, and cocaine. Ive never stopped loving him, but all these drugs and a good marriage did not mix, so we had been separated for about a year. Last month he said he wanted to stop and he asked for help. He tried to detox on his own, but started getting really sick went out and got more drugs because he said couldn’t handle the pain. Let me backtrack a little. I had researched rehab centers a long time back in case one day he made the decision to stop but needed help. So I was prepared and told him about the one I thought was best. He agreed to go, signed himself in, and he has been there almost 30 days now.
The rehab center is not based on the 12 steps, in case that makes a difference. It focuses on individual therapy and other holistic treatments. It seems like he is doing well there. I have been to see him twice, and we are able to talk almost everyday. In the beginning he had a lot of anxiety, paranoia. But now he seems to be falling into more of a depression although he seems rational now in his thinking.
I have talked to his doctors, and I know all of this is to be expected, and so I think Im dealing with it alright. But, what I would like to know, or better understand is how long it will really take for him to feel better, and in your opinions what can I do to best support him at this point?
He is also on a medical leave from his work. He has a good job and likes it a lot, is looking forward to going back to it, and has already talked to them about moving him to a different location in the company where he will have a somewhat different work environment, and will be around different people. That was all his idea.
Backtrack again. My husband got hooked on pain killers after he was prescribed by a doctor for a knee injury he got while playing sports. That was all legitimate, but instead of weaning off, he kept taking them, and then found a source where he works to provide more of that drug plus he started taking new ones too like the cocaine and benzo-
We have a five month old son, and I have taken him to visit twice, and I send him pictures , give him updates when we talk everyday. At this point he is feeling very sad, showing a lot of regret for not being here for me & his son these past months. I tell him that what matters most is that he get well, so he can be there for our son for all the months and years to come. We talk about all the wonderful things that we have to look forward to. There are a lot of things that the two of us have to work out obviously, but Ive told him that I still love him, and that I believe we can work through everything in time.
Next week is our 4th wedding anniversary, and he has talked to his doctor about coming home for the weekend. Sort of like a weekend pass’ I guess. I didn’t mention our anniversary to him, but he remembered it. In a way I think this would be good for him to put his foot back in home life for a weekend, but at the same time Im worried about his leaving the rehab center and travelling home. Its out of state, and he has to fly and Im afraid it all might be too stressful for him. And honestly Im afraid he wont want to go back once he gets home. But, I also think if his doctor approves it, then maybe it would be good for him. I think part of the reason he wants to come home is because I had planned to go next weekend to visit, but he knows its hard for me to travel with our baby, and I think he wants to show I don’t have to take on all the responsibility and that he is well enough to do this.
Id appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.
The rehab center is not based on the 12 steps, in case that makes a difference. It focuses on individual therapy and other holistic treatments. It seems like he is doing well there. I have been to see him twice, and we are able to talk almost everyday. In the beginning he had a lot of anxiety, paranoia. But now he seems to be falling into more of a depression although he seems rational now in his thinking.
I have talked to his doctors, and I know all of this is to be expected, and so I think Im dealing with it alright. But, what I would like to know, or better understand is how long it will really take for him to feel better, and in your opinions what can I do to best support him at this point?
He is also on a medical leave from his work. He has a good job and likes it a lot, is looking forward to going back to it, and has already talked to them about moving him to a different location in the company where he will have a somewhat different work environment, and will be around different people. That was all his idea.
Backtrack again. My husband got hooked on pain killers after he was prescribed by a doctor for a knee injury he got while playing sports. That was all legitimate, but instead of weaning off, he kept taking them, and then found a source where he works to provide more of that drug plus he started taking new ones too like the cocaine and benzo-
We have a five month old son, and I have taken him to visit twice, and I send him pictures , give him updates when we talk everyday. At this point he is feeling very sad, showing a lot of regret for not being here for me & his son these past months. I tell him that what matters most is that he get well, so he can be there for our son for all the months and years to come. We talk about all the wonderful things that we have to look forward to. There are a lot of things that the two of us have to work out obviously, but Ive told him that I still love him, and that I believe we can work through everything in time.
Next week is our 4th wedding anniversary, and he has talked to his doctor about coming home for the weekend. Sort of like a weekend pass’ I guess. I didn’t mention our anniversary to him, but he remembered it. In a way I think this would be good for him to put his foot back in home life for a weekend, but at the same time Im worried about his leaving the rehab center and travelling home. Its out of state, and he has to fly and Im afraid it all might be too stressful for him. And honestly Im afraid he wont want to go back once he gets home. But, I also think if his doctor approves it, then maybe it would be good for him. I think part of the reason he wants to come home is because I had planned to go next weekend to visit, but he knows its hard for me to travel with our baby, and I think he wants to show I don’t have to take on all the responsibility and that he is well enough to do this.
Id appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I recommend you try some sort of anon program, whether it be nar-anon or al-anon. The intent of this program is to help those who are affected by an alcoholic or addict in their lives, and to help you help that person.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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It pains me to see that you are not getting more responses to this very compassionate post and one that seems to show such an honest desire to be loving and supportive (something many of us would love to have in recovery).
I think the post above is right on though. Each person's experiences are different and it would be almost reckless to give suggestions through the filter of a third party. It sounds like your husband was in pretty deep but is also making the changes he needs to with your care and support. All I can say is that the support is invaluable to a person in recovery.
As to what would be best for your husband in this situation, I wouldn't want to hazard a guess because I don't know where his head is and I have never been in your situation. But, your empathy comes through so plainly in your message that I must applaud you for your selflessness and seeming clear-headedness. Best of luck. This stuff isn't easy for anyone.
I think the post above is right on though. Each person's experiences are different and it would be almost reckless to give suggestions through the filter of a third party. It sounds like your husband was in pretty deep but is also making the changes he needs to with your care and support. All I can say is that the support is invaluable to a person in recovery.
As to what would be best for your husband in this situation, I wouldn't want to hazard a guess because I don't know where his head is and I have never been in your situation. But, your empathy comes through so plainly in your message that I must applaud you for your selflessness and seeming clear-headedness. Best of luck. This stuff isn't easy for anyone.
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Thanks Louisdg.
I appreciate your comment about my being selfless and clearheaded. Made me smile. Im trying my best to be supportive, and that is all I can really take credit for. My husband will be home tomorrow late afternoon to start his weekend pass’ from rehab, and Im really excited. A little nervous I admit, but very happy.
I think I wrote too much in my post and probably people are afraid to comment because it was so detailed. That’s ok, it helped me to write it out because it made me think more about it.
I know in my heart, we can get through this. Right now we are going slow like turtles one little step at a time, but it will still get us there, and hopefully we will be able to speed up the pace before long.
I appreciate your comment about my being selfless and clearheaded. Made me smile. Im trying my best to be supportive, and that is all I can really take credit for. My husband will be home tomorrow late afternoon to start his weekend pass’ from rehab, and Im really excited. A little nervous I admit, but very happy.
I think I wrote too much in my post and probably people are afraid to comment because it was so detailed. That’s ok, it helped me to write it out because it made me think more about it.
I know in my heart, we can get through this. Right now we are going slow like turtles one little step at a time, but it will still get us there, and hopefully we will be able to speed up the pace before long.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
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I had read your posts before and commented to you in another forum. It is not necessary to remember names as it is difficult given the odd way each chooses to present him/her self while still remaining anonymous. my original name was oxyfiend but I petitioned to change it as I no longer feel like that and don't want to be known as such. As an addict in recovery I hated myself at that time and titled myself as such. So we change as we improve.
As to your questions, it is hard to say as each of us is different. I think you have a legitimate concern in having him come home for a visit. There are at least two ways for this to go. One is what you mentioned in that once he feels the home environment he will not wnt to go back. The other is that after the length of time he has been in rehab it will have become his " home" of sorts. Having been in rehab I know this well. You can feel successful and develop special relationships in fellow sufferers. Once away from the support of this new family everything else can seem foreign and threatening.
It does sounds like he is in good hands and I guess overall the advice of his present Dr's is where your trust should be.
To echo Louis, your support is helpful. My wife is my rock and I clung to her support in the early stages. I feel my own strength now although my recovery remains in the infant stage.
I also wonder if there is not some part of your husbands rehab that includes your roll in things as a codependent or at least discusses your roll in his recovery?
As to your questions, it is hard to say as each of us is different. I think you have a legitimate concern in having him come home for a visit. There are at least two ways for this to go. One is what you mentioned in that once he feels the home environment he will not wnt to go back. The other is that after the length of time he has been in rehab it will have become his " home" of sorts. Having been in rehab I know this well. You can feel successful and develop special relationships in fellow sufferers. Once away from the support of this new family everything else can seem foreign and threatening.
It does sounds like he is in good hands and I guess overall the advice of his present Dr's is where your trust should be.
To echo Louis, your support is helpful. My wife is my rock and I clung to her support in the early stages. I feel my own strength now although my recovery remains in the infant stage.
I also wonder if there is not some part of your husbands rehab that includes your roll in things as a codependent or at least discusses your roll in his recovery?
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allforcnm,
I applause you for sticking by your husband during these troubled times. I have the feeling that your keeping your chin up for the sake of your child.
First and forest, I cannot emphasize how important it is for a child to have a father figure in his life. Now, on the other hand, having an addict father in his life will not help him one bit.
THere will come a time in your husbands life when he has to determine who is ore important. You and his child... Or his addiction. THis choice I speak about is not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination. Most all non-addicts will simply say, "Why doesn't he just quit"? That type of comment just pisses me off because they've never had a metaphorical gun pointed to their head. Addiction and the panic of W/D is not unlike a gun pointed to your head at ll!
Your description of what he's going through is spot on for someone who is detoxing. The paranoia, etc.
I am very pleased that your husband is in a professional rehab center where he will receive the best possible treatment.
While I hope your husband makes the right decisions, it is ultimately up to him to make it. You can't make the decision for him. If he realizes the importance of his family when he's clean - I'm sure he'll do the right thing. If this happens, you MUST keep close tabs on him. Relapsing months afterwards is more common than you think.
You see, these drugs do a funny (actually not funny at all) thing to you after you've been clean for a while. Your addict brain will forget all the pain and suffering you went through and weeks or months later addict brain will say to you, "Hey, we're clean now! We can take a pill now and everything will be alright". Then a few days roll around and some particular circumstance will occur and you take another pill because you feel like you can control it. Before long, you wake up in the morning because you have a headache so you take another pill thinking it will get you through the headache. Headache is still there by noon and you pop another. All the while your addict brain says, "We have this all under control". Well, you don't! Before you know it, addict brain is having you take a couple of pills a day just to get you through. During this time when you're high, your brain convinces you that I'll just stop tomorrow. Well, tomorrow rolls around - then it becomes next week rolls around. Now, next month has rolled around and there you are... Addicted!
If I may suggest. If and when he does become clean. Keep tight tabs on the finances! Give him a daily allowance for lunch, etc. Take particular attention to his behavior. THings to look out for are:
One moment he's agitated or anxious and the next he's calm and happy.
Staying up late at night and wanting to sleep in past his usual wake up time.
Disappearing every couple of hours so he can get another pill from his secret stash.
Getting calls at odd times of the day.
Taking laxatives to help control his constipation.
Being unusually calm and happy and not having an appetite.
Wild swings in behavior.
Hubby just starts rambling on about something completely non important is a good indication that he's high.
Excessive sweating when it's not very hot.
I hope all this helps you and most of all, I hope your hubby makes the right decision for the sake of his child, you, and himself.
Take care and the best of luck to you dear!
I applause you for sticking by your husband during these troubled times. I have the feeling that your keeping your chin up for the sake of your child.
First and forest, I cannot emphasize how important it is for a child to have a father figure in his life. Now, on the other hand, having an addict father in his life will not help him one bit.
THere will come a time in your husbands life when he has to determine who is ore important. You and his child... Or his addiction. THis choice I speak about is not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination. Most all non-addicts will simply say, "Why doesn't he just quit"? That type of comment just pisses me off because they've never had a metaphorical gun pointed to their head. Addiction and the panic of W/D is not unlike a gun pointed to your head at ll!
Your description of what he's going through is spot on for someone who is detoxing. The paranoia, etc.
I am very pleased that your husband is in a professional rehab center where he will receive the best possible treatment.
While I hope your husband makes the right decisions, it is ultimately up to him to make it. You can't make the decision for him. If he realizes the importance of his family when he's clean - I'm sure he'll do the right thing. If this happens, you MUST keep close tabs on him. Relapsing months afterwards is more common than you think.
You see, these drugs do a funny (actually not funny at all) thing to you after you've been clean for a while. Your addict brain will forget all the pain and suffering you went through and weeks or months later addict brain will say to you, "Hey, we're clean now! We can take a pill now and everything will be alright". Then a few days roll around and some particular circumstance will occur and you take another pill because you feel like you can control it. Before long, you wake up in the morning because you have a headache so you take another pill thinking it will get you through the headache. Headache is still there by noon and you pop another. All the while your addict brain says, "We have this all under control". Well, you don't! Before you know it, addict brain is having you take a couple of pills a day just to get you through. During this time when you're high, your brain convinces you that I'll just stop tomorrow. Well, tomorrow rolls around - then it becomes next week rolls around. Now, next month has rolled around and there you are... Addicted!
If I may suggest. If and when he does become clean. Keep tight tabs on the finances! Give him a daily allowance for lunch, etc. Take particular attention to his behavior. THings to look out for are:
One moment he's agitated or anxious and the next he's calm and happy.
Staying up late at night and wanting to sleep in past his usual wake up time.
Disappearing every couple of hours so he can get another pill from his secret stash.
Getting calls at odd times of the day.
Taking laxatives to help control his constipation.
Being unusually calm and happy and not having an appetite.
Wild swings in behavior.
Hubby just starts rambling on about something completely non important is a good indication that he's high.
Excessive sweating when it's not very hot.
I hope all this helps you and most of all, I hope your hubby makes the right decision for the sake of his child, you, and himself.
Take care and the best of luck to you dear!
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Join Date: May 2012
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thank you everyone.
Liv1ce. I do remember you and thank you for commenting on my post here. I found your comments on the other forum very helpful. Thank you for sharing your rehab experience. I can understand what you are saying, it becomes like another world and it is rather protected. I have been working with the rehabs family therapist about twice a week. And I found out recently that at this stage of my husbands recovery he too is going to start working with a family therapist. And once he has a little 1:1 time doing that, then we are going to start having sessions together twice a week. One of the things I really like about this rehab center is that they don’t shut family out. they want us to be honest and work on the relationship issues as part of his overall treatment.
IvanKatz. Thank you. I love him and Ive just never stopped. I went through an anger stage but it was a while ago. Now I only get hit with anger now and then. Mostly, I just feel sad for time he / we have lost. But I feel hopeful because my husband asked for help on his own, and I believe he wants to get clean now. I think his son is a big motivation for him. He feels so bad for not being here these months, and he is thinking and asking me questions about things I would not have even thought about. Like, last night he got to see our sons room for the first time. And he thought it looked really nice, and he commented on all the pictures I had put in there of us. I said of course, we are his mommy and daddy. And then he asked how I got the crib and everything set up. Like that was his job and he failed at being there for that too. But I said , well the delivery people set it up. And I laughed and said he was just romanticizing every aspect, and he laughed a little. Then I told him while I wished he had been here these months with his son, really its only right now that his little boy is starting to take on some real personality. Im like sorry to say it, but up until now all your son has wanted to do is eat, sleep, and go poo. That made him laugh. Its all serious stuff, but we cant change the past. The future is what is important now.
The doctors told me it was normal for him to have this big range of emotions. But it is really good to hear it from someone who has gone through it.
So far his time home has been good I think. We have tried to keep it relaxed. We stopped on our way home from the airport and had dinner at a familiar place where it was kinda quiet. We went home, and he took his phone and laid it on the counter in the kitchen and wrote a note reminding himself to call his doctor at a certain time on Saturday and Sunday. I was impressed with that.
my parents came over later and brought our son. They stayed a little while. My dad invited him to go out golfing for a little while today, and that is where he is right now. The rest night we just talked, played with our son, watched a movie. He has been really emotional over things, and it took him a long time to fall asleep.
This morning I decided to share a first with him, and so at 5 months we gave our son his first serving of rice cereal. The only thing he has had other than milk. So my husband got to spoon feed him a little bit. I do want him to feel connected to his son, and know he is a part of things going forward.
So he is with my dad, and his brother right now playing some golf. Hoping he has fun, and that my dads support has a positive affect on him.
So far, so good. I will update you again. Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and sharing with me what you have learned and experienced. It helps me a lot ! Hope you all have a good day.
Liv1ce. I do remember you and thank you for commenting on my post here. I found your comments on the other forum very helpful. Thank you for sharing your rehab experience. I can understand what you are saying, it becomes like another world and it is rather protected. I have been working with the rehabs family therapist about twice a week. And I found out recently that at this stage of my husbands recovery he too is going to start working with a family therapist. And once he has a little 1:1 time doing that, then we are going to start having sessions together twice a week. One of the things I really like about this rehab center is that they don’t shut family out. they want us to be honest and work on the relationship issues as part of his overall treatment.
IvanKatz. Thank you. I love him and Ive just never stopped. I went through an anger stage but it was a while ago. Now I only get hit with anger now and then. Mostly, I just feel sad for time he / we have lost. But I feel hopeful because my husband asked for help on his own, and I believe he wants to get clean now. I think his son is a big motivation for him. He feels so bad for not being here these months, and he is thinking and asking me questions about things I would not have even thought about. Like, last night he got to see our sons room for the first time. And he thought it looked really nice, and he commented on all the pictures I had put in there of us. I said of course, we are his mommy and daddy. And then he asked how I got the crib and everything set up. Like that was his job and he failed at being there for that too. But I said , well the delivery people set it up. And I laughed and said he was just romanticizing every aspect, and he laughed a little. Then I told him while I wished he had been here these months with his son, really its only right now that his little boy is starting to take on some real personality. Im like sorry to say it, but up until now all your son has wanted to do is eat, sleep, and go poo. That made him laugh. Its all serious stuff, but we cant change the past. The future is what is important now.
The doctors told me it was normal for him to have this big range of emotions. But it is really good to hear it from someone who has gone through it.
So far his time home has been good I think. We have tried to keep it relaxed. We stopped on our way home from the airport and had dinner at a familiar place where it was kinda quiet. We went home, and he took his phone and laid it on the counter in the kitchen and wrote a note reminding himself to call his doctor at a certain time on Saturday and Sunday. I was impressed with that.
my parents came over later and brought our son. They stayed a little while. My dad invited him to go out golfing for a little while today, and that is where he is right now. The rest night we just talked, played with our son, watched a movie. He has been really emotional over things, and it took him a long time to fall asleep.
This morning I decided to share a first with him, and so at 5 months we gave our son his first serving of rice cereal. The only thing he has had other than milk. So my husband got to spoon feed him a little bit. I do want him to feel connected to his son, and know he is a part of things going forward.
So he is with my dad, and his brother right now playing some golf. Hoping he has fun, and that my dads support has a positive affect on him.
So far, so good. I will update you again. Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and sharing with me what you have learned and experienced. It helps me a lot ! Hope you all have a good day.
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Allforcnm, I have little experience here, since I was the addict and my DoC was alcohol. I am posting to say that the soul of a beautiful person shines through these posts of yours. You seem to be doing everything right, and your actions are full of love for your husband. I pray for you both, that he will choose this life with you and family. God Bless.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Posts: 675
Allforcnm,
Thank you for remembering. That forum was a bad experience and I don't comment as much anymore.
your story, however, has touched me since the first time I read you. You remind me of my wife and I read your comments as somewhat of a window into the unspoken parts of her soul. She didn't want any of this anymore than you did. We actually came together during a previous escapade/relapse of mine many years ago. I always said that she saved my life at that time and, indeed, she did. Thus began many happy years of sobriety.
A little something for you to know. My years of sobriety ended with one pain pill given me to ease through a very difficult episode. Three years and many more pain pills later she was shocked when I took out my car keys and out came my stash if pills for the day. All those years of feeling that she had been the one to save me from the devil drugs came crashing down. She had no idea but after that she began to put things together and realized what a lying, cheating baastard her loving husband had become. you know the feeling in your own way.
The advice of Ivankatz is dead on. both of you will need to be vigilant.
Thank you for remembering. That forum was a bad experience and I don't comment as much anymore.
your story, however, has touched me since the first time I read you. You remind me of my wife and I read your comments as somewhat of a window into the unspoken parts of her soul. She didn't want any of this anymore than you did. We actually came together during a previous escapade/relapse of mine many years ago. I always said that she saved my life at that time and, indeed, she did. Thus began many happy years of sobriety.
A little something for you to know. My years of sobriety ended with one pain pill given me to ease through a very difficult episode. Three years and many more pain pills later she was shocked when I took out my car keys and out came my stash if pills for the day. All those years of feeling that she had been the one to save me from the devil drugs came crashing down. She had no idea but after that she began to put things together and realized what a lying, cheating baastard her loving husband had become. you know the feeling in your own way.
The advice of Ivankatz is dead on. both of you will need to be vigilant.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by liv1ce 
Allforcnm,
Thank you for remembering. That forum was a bad experience and I don't comment as much anymore.
your story, however, has touched me since the first time I read you. You remind me of my wife and I read your comments as somewhat of a window into the unspoken parts of her soul. She didn't want any of this anymore than you did. We actually came together during a previous escapade/relapse of mine many years ago. I always said that she saved my life at that time and, indeed, she did. Thus began many happy years of sobriety.
A little something for you to know. My years of sobriety ended with one pain pill given me to ease through a very difficult episode. Three years and many more pain pills later she was shocked when I took out my car keys and out came my stash if pills for the day. All those years of feeling that she had been the one to save me from the devil drugs came crashing down. She had no idea but after that she began to put things together and realized what a lying, cheating baastard her loving husband had become. you know the feeling in your own way.
The advice of Ivankatz is dead on. both of you will need to be vigilant.
Thank you for remembering. That forum was a bad experience and I don't comment as much anymore.
your story, however, has touched me since the first time I read you. You remind me of my wife and I read your comments as somewhat of a window into the unspoken parts of her soul. She didn't want any of this anymore than you did. We actually came together during a previous escapade/relapse of mine many years ago. I always said that she saved my life at that time and, indeed, she did. Thus began many happy years of sobriety.
A little something for you to know. My years of sobriety ended with one pain pill given me to ease through a very difficult episode. Three years and many more pain pills later she was shocked when I took out my car keys and out came my stash if pills for the day. All those years of feeling that she had been the one to save me from the devil drugs came crashing down. She had no idea but after that she began to put things together and realized what a lying, cheating baastard her loving husband had become. you know the feeling in your own way.
The advice of Ivankatz is dead on. both of you will need to be vigilant.
You cant leave the story with you wife like that... What happened between the two of you?
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Actually, she was shocked as I mentioned. We had a talk and as you will see in many of these forums the addict relented and promised to get off the pills. I had every good intention but was trying to wean off of them to avoid the dreaded withdrawal. As you will see in these forums - this never works. Before long I was back to my previous behavior hiding and sneaking, lying and drugging. Now that she was alerted my wife confronted me again - bless her soul - and this time it has taken. I flushed everything down the toilet and gritted me teeth. The result has been wonderful. She has been very supportive but I definitely put a dent in our relationship. I am sure that you could advise me in this area. She is struggling through many things realizing all the crap that I have to tell her as I have awakened back into the world.
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Originally Posted by liv1ce
Actually, she was shocked as I mentioned. We had a talk and as you will see in many of these forums the addict relented and promised to get off the pills. I had every good intention but was trying to wean off of them to avoid the dreaded withdrawal. As you will see in these forums - this never works. Before long I was back to my previous behavior hiding and sneaking, lying and drugging. Now that she was alerted my wife confronted me again - bless her soul - and this time it has taken. I flushed everything down the toilet and gritted me teeth. The result has been wonderful. She has been very supportive but I definitely put a dent in our relationship. I am sure that you could advise me in this area. She is struggling through many things realizing all the crap that I have to tell her as I have awakened back into the world.
We had a great weekend, and the connection between us is still definetly there. And I know I need to be resereved but Im really hopeful about his recovery because he seems to be taking it all very seriously and wants to change his life and live better.
I know he has to feel all the pain from the past and deal with it, and so do I. But what I really feel is that the past is over, and there is no point really dwellign on it now. The more we do that, the more of today and tomorrow we will lose. So, a straightforward - acknowledge it, talk about it, make peace with it, and work mostly on the future and what we want to achieve together.
My husband didnt complaign about going back to rehab, and he seems to be looking at it like a stepping stone. One of the things he told me was this quote which I think is from a sports coach, but it fits this situation Ithink.
"Its all about preperation. Most people have the will to win, few have the will to prepare to win"
I think with your wife, if she is like me... Just keep moving forward and include her in your new plans and dreams. Make sure you take care of yourself and do whatever you have to in order to stay clean.
Anytime you want to talk about family stuff I think you can post it here. I felt bad about the experience you had on that other forum. I dont understand much of what goes on over there, but the comments you received were really inappropriate.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Thanks, I appreciate everything that you said. As I mentioned it gives me a little insight into the unspoken side. Although we are a terrific team together - we work together as a team as well as being married - we are certainly different. She always tells me I have a strong female side as I am the emotional talkative one and she is more reticent and can be hard as nails - and I mean that in a good way. She also won't ask for directions.
We lost an 8 year old to a brain tumor 10 years ago. I was the blubbery one who talked all the way through it. I never saw her cry - although I know there were tears no one ever saw her cry - and I had to pull the talk from her.
Right now I think she is feeling the damage that I have done and we will need to work our way through it. I know we can do it and am not afraid of this stage.
Thank you for your words.
We lost an 8 year old to a brain tumor 10 years ago. I was the blubbery one who talked all the way through it. I never saw her cry - although I know there were tears no one ever saw her cry - and I had to pull the talk from her.
Right now I think she is feeling the damage that I have done and we will need to work our way through it. I know we can do it and am not afraid of this stage.
Thank you for your words.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
liv1ce
Im so sorry to hear about your child. I really cant imagine anything worse that what you have had to expeience. Ive heard it said that when you lose a child, it will often either bring a couple closer, or tear them apart. Your both still standing, and you are still together - I think that in itself means you have a special relationship.
Did you know that they have a special forum on here for grief ? If you ever feel the need to write about your experience, you could do it there.
Its funny sort of with my husband, in the beginning when we were seperated and he was actively using, I had a lot of anger because he couldnt realize what he was doing to both him, and us. But now, I think Im past the anger. I think about stuff he did, or things he missed, or the negative feelings I had... and Im not angry anymore. I just want to acknowledge it all, talk about it, and let it go, move forward.
Its quite possible that anger will come back though I guess. Ive never been through this before so Im just figuring it out as I go.
Someone on the family forum was recently saying she felt sort of happy when her husband groveled for forgiveness, and worked so hard to make amends or whatever, but for me... I dont get any joy out of seeing my husband in pain, and in the recognition stage. His feelings are as real as mine, no less important than mine in terms of our relationship. So we have agreed to just talk things out and each be honest about our feelings so nothing gets boxed up so to speak, and then jumps off the shelf later.
Good luck and keep posting. I can use your view on things also. It is helpful to hear the other side of things. Feel free to reply to my posts regardless of which forum they fall under. Your brave remember ! (lol)
Im so sorry to hear about your child. I really cant imagine anything worse that what you have had to expeience. Ive heard it said that when you lose a child, it will often either bring a couple closer, or tear them apart. Your both still standing, and you are still together - I think that in itself means you have a special relationship.
Did you know that they have a special forum on here for grief ? If you ever feel the need to write about your experience, you could do it there.
Its funny sort of with my husband, in the beginning when we were seperated and he was actively using, I had a lot of anger because he couldnt realize what he was doing to both him, and us. But now, I think Im past the anger. I think about stuff he did, or things he missed, or the negative feelings I had... and Im not angry anymore. I just want to acknowledge it all, talk about it, and let it go, move forward.
Its quite possible that anger will come back though I guess. Ive never been through this before so Im just figuring it out as I go.
Someone on the family forum was recently saying she felt sort of happy when her husband groveled for forgiveness, and worked so hard to make amends or whatever, but for me... I dont get any joy out of seeing my husband in pain, and in the recognition stage. His feelings are as real as mine, no less important than mine in terms of our relationship. So we have agreed to just talk things out and each be honest about our feelings so nothing gets boxed up so to speak, and then jumps off the shelf later.
Good luck and keep posting. I can use your view on things also. It is helpful to hear the other side of things. Feel free to reply to my posts regardless of which forum they fall under. Your brave remember ! (lol)
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Join Date: May 2012
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2AM and here I am again. I don't know how accurate the time stamps are on here but if they are it seems we are all three up late. I am normally in for the night early and up by sunrise. Since I stopped drugging it seems I am just up all the time.
Alforcnm - does not lend itself to short form. I don't want to call you Al but may just to spare my fumbling fingers. I happened upon the thread in which the subject of groveling for forgiveness came up. I felt that there was a lot of resentment showing in that situation previously and expressed it as a desire to punish the addict. I felt that it showed again but wasn't addressed as such. I didn't care to dive in there again.
I may be misinterpreting based on personal experience but I do think it can be an issue. you mentioned it indirectly as well. There are those of us that are more passive-aggressive and rather than reacting to hurt from another individual directly will store it away with an unspoken "I'll get you later". Those - never really dealt with - are the one's that "jump off the shelf later" as you put so well. In my experience one waits for the opportunity to unleash vengeance. Allowing a loved one to grovel explains itself to me.
I saw some of that the other day when I was approached rather aggressively with some issues that my wife had stuffed. I know there are times when she realizes something that she has lost in our relationship because of my drugging. In order to "protect" me from undue stress in this difficult time she won't bring it up. But it does just come up later.
It is painful to hear how I have hurt her but at the same time I need to accept the things I have done. In a way I guess I am "working the steps".
At the same time I cannot undue what I have done.
This crap has come at an inopportune time as well. It is also said about losing a child that it never goes away and it never gets easier. That is also true as is what you said about tears you apart or brings you together. I will get back to my point but the tru of the matter is that if something were to happen to either of us the other would simply disintegrate. Managing the grief has brought us together more as one person and we each are all that holds the other together and in that fashion we go along as normal people in other's eyes. That fact alone makes my deceitful ways painful to her.
I could easily say that grief led me down the path that I took but that would be pure bullshiit. I just like to get high and can't control myself.
Al, I appreciate your comments
Alforcnm - does not lend itself to short form. I don't want to call you Al but may just to spare my fumbling fingers. I happened upon the thread in which the subject of groveling for forgiveness came up. I felt that there was a lot of resentment showing in that situation previously and expressed it as a desire to punish the addict. I felt that it showed again but wasn't addressed as such. I didn't care to dive in there again.
I may be misinterpreting based on personal experience but I do think it can be an issue. you mentioned it indirectly as well. There are those of us that are more passive-aggressive and rather than reacting to hurt from another individual directly will store it away with an unspoken "I'll get you later". Those - never really dealt with - are the one's that "jump off the shelf later" as you put so well. In my experience one waits for the opportunity to unleash vengeance. Allowing a loved one to grovel explains itself to me.
I saw some of that the other day when I was approached rather aggressively with some issues that my wife had stuffed. I know there are times when she realizes something that she has lost in our relationship because of my drugging. In order to "protect" me from undue stress in this difficult time she won't bring it up. But it does just come up later.
It is painful to hear how I have hurt her but at the same time I need to accept the things I have done. In a way I guess I am "working the steps".
At the same time I cannot undue what I have done.
This crap has come at an inopportune time as well. It is also said about losing a child that it never goes away and it never gets easier. That is also true as is what you said about tears you apart or brings you together. I will get back to my point but the tru of the matter is that if something were to happen to either of us the other would simply disintegrate. Managing the grief has brought us together more as one person and we each are all that holds the other together and in that fashion we go along as normal people in other's eyes. That fact alone makes my deceitful ways painful to her.
I could easily say that grief led me down the path that I took but that would be pure bullshiit. I just like to get high and can't control myself.
Al, I appreciate your comments
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I had to let the above comments go as I am using an IPad at the moment and I cannot navigate in the little box. I can on my computer but not with this.you will notice a dangling line at the end that got pushed down and I couldn't get back to it.
the point I started to make was that this is an inoportune time for my foolishness to surface as grief over our son was washing over her. It comes and goes and is unpredictable for the most part. It can just hit you out of the blue. This time, however, it has to do with the fact that Marc's class is graduating high school. We live in a small town and watching those kids grow has been our gauge for what Marc may have looked like. For us he will always be 8 years old. We went to the graduation ceremony and we were 2 ironclad individuals sitting stiffly in the bleachers. Those "kids" have moved on and are no longer children and so neither is Marc and realizing that was really hard.
So my load of crap surfacing at this time is not appreciated by either of us but is really another cross to bear for her. And I cannot take it back.
Crazybabie - I appreciate your comments as well.
I guess this shows me to be in a tally mood.
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Location: Alabama
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I can't even imagine the pain you feel from losing a child and the fact that graduation us coming up and would have been a significate event I am sure is very hard.... I know when my son overdosed and I had to perform CPR was terrifying I am sorry for your loss,
my spelling sucks tonight and I am just to lazy to spell check lol.
my spelling sucks tonight and I am just to lazy to spell check lol.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Crazy,
I have read a lot of your posts and find your struggle horrific as well. It reminds me that my mother and father watched me go to hell as well and how I must have hurt them.
My mother was so proud of me - as I'm sure you can imagine when I came out of rehab the first time. Alzheimer's had her the second time and she is gone now for my latest f--Kup. God, sometimes it overwhelmes me that I am back here again. What an ass.
anyway thank you for your condolences and my thoughts are with you as well.
I had to come back and edit this as the spellchecker seems to have picked up some drugs on this site and my post made no sense at all.
I have read a lot of your posts and find your struggle horrific as well. It reminds me that my mother and father watched me go to hell as well and how I must have hurt them.
My mother was so proud of me - as I'm sure you can imagine when I came out of rehab the first time. Alzheimer's had her the second time and she is gone now for my latest f--Kup. God, sometimes it overwhelmes me that I am back here again. What an ass.
anyway thank you for your condolences and my thoughts are with you as well.
I had to come back and edit this as the spellchecker seems to have picked up some drugs on this site and my post made no sense at all.
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