JustCallMeBeani

My husband and I met in 2005. He had confided in me that he had a history of substance abuse and that his drug of choice was heroin. Despite knowing this, I trusted him when he said that he was clean based on his claim that he was “recovered” after attending both inpatient and outpatient treatment programs. As our relationship progressed, I soon discovered that this was not the case. I remained in the relationship for 6 months before ending it because I could no longer stand the deceit and emotional havoc.

Our paths crossed again 3 years later. He told me that while we were apart, his addiction took him on a downward spiral and that he had hit rock bottom. He had benn in and out of rehabs and sober houses and was finally able to maintain “sobriety” with the help of individual counseling and Suboxone. I use the term “sobriety” loosley here because he was still engaging in the use of other substances. At the time, I believed that since he had kicked the heroin habit, he was okay. Since he didn’t have a “problem” with alcohol before, his drinking was acceptable. I believed this mainly because that is what he told me. History repeated itself and we rekindled our flame. I came to find that his drinking was out of control and often led him to cocaine. Additionally, I later discovered that in his beginning months of “sobriety”, he was using cocaine in lieu of heroin. His drug(s) of choice were now alcohol and cocaine. Shortly after we began dating, the old patterns and behaviors resurfaced. I ended things after 3 months. That night he called me relentlessly, as he often did when we would argue. The next day he called once. I called him back and he told me that he had attended an AA meeting and benefited greatly from it. He begged for a second chance, and I gave him one.

Now, 3 1/2 years later we are married and have a baby. While my husband was practicing his program, things were good between us. I still had trust issues with him but, things were getting better. After nearly a year of regularly attending AA, he began to miss meetings. “I’m too busy” and ”I’m not benefiting from the meetings in our area” were conversation staples. This was when I started to notice a change in his attitude and behavior. Then, he began smoking cigarettes again. The negative changes I saw in him were worsening, not to mention the fact that he was lying to me about smoking.

Last month we had a terrible argument. I took my daughter to my mother’s house and we spent the night there. The next day, my husband confessed to me that he had a glass of wine with his father. I was grateful that he was “honest”. But, troubled because he turned to alcohol to cope. Later, I discovered that he had bought a bottle of wine and nearly drink the entire bottle. I was very concerned. I asked him why he was not completely upfront with me and he said that he was “scared I would get mad at him”. I explained to him that this was troubling to me based on our history but, that I cannot control him. He told me that he believes he can “drink like a normal person”.

Since then, he has 1-2 drinks a night 3-4 nights a week. His drinking is by no means out of control. However, his behavior and attitude are the worst I have seen thus far. I am terrified as to where this is going to lead us. I talked to him again about my feelings on Friday and he blew up at me. We did not speak to each other until tonight and our discussion was hostile and confrontational. He stated that he “will no longer play the role of the addict in our marriage” and that if I wish for him to assert that role, then this marriage will not work. He also stated that if his drinking is troublesome to me, than he will stop if and only if I stop (I will have a drink on occasion, usually when I spend time with my friends… probably about once a month). I asked him again if he felt he was an addict. He stated no. I asked him to explain to me why he had said the things he did while he was in program regarding abstinance from all chemical substances. He stated that he had been “brainwashed by AA” and that he was miserable in his youth and turned to drugs and alcohol. He stated that life happened, that he grew up and would not engage in that sort of behavior again. He reiterated that he was no longer an addict and that he can enjoy a drink or two after work. He told me that he had spoken to his mother (the enabler) and his best friend (also an addict) regarding his drinking and stated that they both agree with him that he can enjoy a few drinks. When I suggested that we seek marriage counseling with someone who is familiar with chemical dependency, he refused stating that he or she would just “confirm my beliefs”.

Our conversation turned into an argument and became completely out of control. While we both had equal parts in it, mainly because we both have two very different beliefs about the topic, his behavior was out of line. While I was in the bathroom washing up for bed, he came to the bathroom door and discovered it was locked. Instead of waiting for me to finish, he broke the door open. In doing so, it ripped the molding off the wall. I was very upset by this and he stormed out of the house and off to work (he is working the night shift tonight). After he left he called 43 times to get in touch with me. Finally after I had calmed down, I called him back and asked him why he broke down the door. He stated that he “just tried opening it” and that “he didn’t use force”. He suggested that the wood must be warped from the moisture from the shower. I was on the inside of the bathroom and I was afraid at the force he was using, which was why I didn't unlock the door. However, I did not admit this to him. I asked him why he called so many times. He stated because he wanted to talk to me about what had happened.

These behaviors and attitudes since he stopped attending meetings are red flags to me. What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t see that he is on a slippery slope? How can he believe that he is not an addict and that this isn’t the behavior of an addict? Why is he seeking the opinions of people who will only agree with him? Or, is he right? Can a once addict be “recovered” and engage in recreational substance use?

CarolD

Welcome...

I see you have also found our Friends and Family forum...that will be a
good place for support.. for yourself.

Sorry to know this is happening to the 3 of you..:

In my years of being an active AA member...I know many who tried this
"control drinking" experiment. ...including me.. .
It did not turn out well for me...only prolonged my active addiction.

However...I am really concerned about your safety and that of your daughter.
i suggest you get in touch with your local Domestic Violance Center and find available resources in your area.
Be ready...have a plan in place...you may need to quickly leave.

I wish I had done that before leaving my abusive husband
He punched me...I left. Consulted a lawyer immediately. .
Fortunately...no children were invovled. ..and I cleaned out the joint bank accounts on my way out of state.

hope you find a way to live with joy and peace.

william0850

Hello. Well it sounds like from what you described that he is in full addiction mode and in denial. I'm a drunk and drug user in recovery. Any addict can never use or drink period. Our brains don't work like that. Us addicts are very sensitive when it comes to our addiction and will lash out when confronted about our use. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep yourself safe.

miamifella

Why are you asking these questions? The behaviors you describe are not "red flags"--they are full-blown problems.

So why are you asking THESE questions? How does it matter why he is doing what he is doing and whether or not he could use substances recreationally? You already know the answers.

These questions can only delay you from taking responsibility for yourself and your child.

What are you going to do? That is the only question that matters.

likehappiness

Just Call Me - I am an addict and alcoholic. While my DOC is basically pharmacutical heroin (dilaudid) I also do not drink. When I was evaluated for treatment they told me I was not an alcoholic but that fact that I drank for years and knowing it could lead me to my drug of choice again....I gave everything up. Alcohol too is a mind altering substance and it doesn't matter what you use to "feel good"...it's all drugs.

He is definitely in denial and not working his program of AA. He apparently has a ton of resentments built up along with guilt. As long as he walks around with those things then he is going to stay in "addict mode".

He needs to take care of him and you need to take care of you and your child. I hope everything works for you.

JustCallMeBeani

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

I guess I asked these questions in particular in order to try to understand what he is thinking and more or less, why. A lot of what he has been saying puts the blame on me for the faults in our marriage. Perhaps that is his denial coming forth through manipulation? I also wanted to clarify what I already knew regarding substance abuse or confirm his "current" beliefs. I am relieved to know that my knowledge and instincts are accurate.

Even though I may have contributed to this by not being as supportive as I should have when he first started to slip, it is ultimately up to him to choose his path. Anything I say or do to bring him back to the light will not be absorbed. The whole situation saddens me because I am seeing him slowly destroy himself and our family. I have to take care of myself and my daughter and try to blossom serenity in our lives. Whether that is with him or without him is for me to decide based on whether or not his behavior becomes unacceptable. I guess only time will tell.

miamifella

I think it is dangerous to try to get into his thinking. That means his manipulations worked.

So what if you were unsupportive? (Which I do not think is true.) So what if all the problems of the marriage are completely your fault? (Which I do not think is true.) How does that change his actions? How does it justify him putting you and the child in an unstable situation by drinking again?

If you were the worst wife in the world, I guess the first step to repairing the situation would be to become an abusive drunk. All those people who recommend talking things out, getting counseling, confronting you on your misstepsare clearly just wimps. The obvious solution is to get drunk. Maybe throwing some accusations at the mother of one's child would also help improve things.

Is that what he expects you to believe?

snoopy87

Wow, what a saint he is for staying with such an ungrateful, unsupportive woman. How courageous of him to really take hold of his life and be accountable. Of course I am being sarcastic. I was in the same situation before my alcoholism took off. I remember my ex coming through the window when his presence wasn't wanted and when I asked him why he did it, he nonchalantly said "Because you wouldn't open the door." INSANITY!! I, too, tried to understand his thinking because I guess I just try to understand anything that is just totally foreign to me. I finally realized it's foreign because it's insane. I also would not take ownership of my own addiction for a long time and would feed off other people's vunerability because I was "entittled." It wasnt until people stopped cosigning my ******** when I finally decided to be a part of the solution. Broken doors and hearts can lead to broken bones. Please protect yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of; emotional vampires will only suck you dry if you let them; and prefer it that way because the more you love yourself the less power he has.

JustCallMeBeani

I am trying to "let go" and "detach with love". I have been keeping my composure today and avoiding any confrontations with him. However, I keep going back to the things he said and thinking, maybe he is right? Maybe I am "controlling". Maybe he can drink "like a normal person". No. It is negatively affecting our lives separately and together and changing his attitudes and behaviors. He is an addict. He is has a terrible illness that will “suck the life out of me”. I absolutely need to work on not feeding into the manipulation and second guessing my instincts.

I spoke with his mother earlier today. We were supposed to have lunch together tomorrow. I canceled because I do not feel comfortable with it after everything that has transpired between my husband and me. As I've mentioned earlier, she a classic enabler and is engulfed in his life and our marriage. It is extremely unhealthy for both him and me. When I called to cancel she gave me her typical "21 Questions" regarding the situation. I told her that I didn't want to disclose too much as to protect our privacy but, told her that since he had stopped attending meetings his attitude and behavior has been unhealthy, and particularly now that he has begun drinking again. I gave her his behavior of breaking down the bathroom door as an example, in hopes to draw water from a stone and have her see things from a different prospective other than her sons. Of course, she told me that since he is not "getting black out drunk" this should not be an issue. She also reminded me that he was not drinking when he broke the door down. She said that she isn't “trying to make excuses for him” but, that he is "running on empty" by working 60 hours a week, adjusting to life with baby and living with his father, as well as finding his way through school. (While he was in AA, he wanted to be a Chemical Dependency Counselor. Needless to say, that is no longer an aspiration of his.)

Not making excuses? Isn't that exactly what she is doing? I wanted to respond by saying “don't you think this would be a perfect opportunity for him to turn to his program for support rather than a bottle of Shiraz?” But, the fear of asserting myself got the best of me. I kept my mouth shut and my tail in between my legs. She proceeded to the end the conversation by saying that we need to seek marital counseling immediately and not discuss anything that has been going on between us until we are behind those 4 walls. I explained that we were in the process of doing s however, don’t see eye to eye in that we should see a marital counselor who is familiar with substance abuse. She stated that “a good counselor will refer you if they see his drinking as an issue”. Not necessarily. My mother sought out therapist who validating her drinking and I believe that is exactly what my husband is trying to do. His mother then stated that I need to "stop putting the entire fault onto him and his drinking" because we "both have equal parts in this". I am not denying that it takes two to tango. But, his behavior is aggravating our already present marital problems. How do I handle this women? Especially because he runs to her every time there is a tough situation in his life. She is validating him when, she should be looking at the situation objectively if she is going to put in her two cents. And, her validating his actions are going to reinforce this insanity. Although it is purely speculation on my part but, I have funny feeling where he got a lot of the things he was saying to me last night from.

I feel like everyone else in his life, with the exception of his father, are against me and everything that I am trying to bring into the light. Why am I the bad guy? Is it because he is depicting me to be that way to these people? Or are they just simply feeding into his manipulation?

CarolD

Hmmm...
I avoid toxic people ..listening to their nonsense is a waste of my time..
It also often causes them to keep harping on..and on and on


.

miamifella

Are the answers to these questions going to change what you do? Or are you looking for excuses to stay in this situation?

Getting everyone's opinion in real life and on line is a great way to avoid having to do anything.

JustCallMeBeani

Those are very good questions that I need to ask myself. I am not sure of the answers. But, what I do know is that I am hurt, angry, and scared and I know that things need to change if I can continue in this marriage...

Thank you for helping me to look at my motives.