Godzilla

Did it again. Thursday I ran into a guy that sells oxy's. Bought 4 OP 80's off him and downed them in 2 days. The whole weekend I felt physically and mentally like ****. I let myself down again. I haven't told my wife yet because I don't want to break her heart. I should know better at this point in life. I'm not a little kid I am 44 years old and have been fighting drug and alcohol problems for more years than I'd like to count. For some reason I just don't think rationally. I become blinded to everything around me except one thing and that's getting high. It's getting to the point I can't go out of my house for fear of running into someone in my neighborhood. Living this way is miserable and I don't want to do it anymore. I just wanna be a regular person. I really need counseling but going to group meetings are out of the question. I am not one to talk among people I don't know. I'm just so sick of this ****. So today is day 3 on my billionth attempt at sobriety.

Pandie

Welcome back Godzilla. You can do this, one day at a time. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back up... that's all we can do is keep getting back up!! Praying for you

~Pandie

keltie

Hi Godzilla- I'm 44 too. I feel your pain, believe me. Just wanted to say keep going buddy. Please don't be afraid to give NA/AA a chance. There are ALL kinds of people there, buddy- those who talk, those who don't, introverts, extroverts, teachers, ministers, bikers, etc. You will fit in and be welcomed NO MATTER WHAT.

What would it hurt to try it just a couple times?

Godzilla

Thanks for the positive energy. The negative energy that has plagued me the past 3 days has been overwhelming at times. Especially given the fact that I have been hiding this latest slip up from my wife. I had an extremely low weekend. For some reason I have these weird dreams/nightmares in the days following a binge and sometimes I get flashbacks of dreams/nightmares I have had in the past. The feeling of dread is unbelievable. I really need to go back to the gym. The more I go to the gym the less urges I have to get high. Unfortunately my gym days came to a complete stop a few months ago. I am having a very hard time picking myself up this time. I know these opiates screw with my depression meds severely.

Aarontg88

maybe you should try a 30 days inpatient rehab, i know you have kids and you need to/ want to be there for them 24/7. But maybe being stuck in a place where you can use and cant really be with ur loved ones will give you that scare and also the people there will help you get better. You dont have to talk im like you i dont talk face to face about my problems becuz it embarrasses me and i keep everything a sercret from my sons mother/girlfriend becuase i dont want to lose who i love.

Godzilla

I've thought of an inpatient thing but I am afraid of being away from home for that long. Actually we have no kids. We were unable to have any due to medical issues. Not having children has played a big part in my mental state. Its been very hard for me to deal with. I have 3 dogs and a wife that I am petrified of being away from for that long. I don't venture away from home often unless it is for a family gathering. I have 0 friends other than on line. Sorry for the rambling. I have 10 nieces and nephews aged from 1 up to 25 that I adore but I don't see as much as I like to because of my drug use over the years. I finally got close with my brother after 24 years due to my drug and alcohol use and I don't want to lose that relationship either. I feel like I am fighting a war I can and will never win.

Godzilla

All I know is this way ain't working.

MelissaNoDrugs

I would re-focus on that one step forward.

tomsteve

3 major things led me to do whatever was necessary to get clean ad sober. 1st, the pain of getting high/drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality. 2nd, desperation. nothing i ever tried before worked and i was either gonna do something different or kill myself. 3rd, i got the courage to walk into a room of people i never met and ask for help.the only thing i remember from my 1st 12 step recovery meeting is saying," i'm tom im an alcoholic/addict and i cant take it any more." couldnt say anything else because i started cryin. didnt have to say anything else because they knew.
i leanred that, even though i was 36 when i got into recovery, i was mentally and emotionally the age when i 1st started using, which was about 13. i learned that the reason i didnt think rationally is because i am an alcoholic and addict. it's what we do when we under the control of the disease( found out theres thousand of others that think just like me too!). i learned i HAD to change wet/ high places and wet/high faces. i had to be around clean and sober faces and places. i learned that staying stopped was an inside job. i had to have people that had gotten clean and sober to help me learn how to live. left to my own devises i woulda gotten drunk, high again. i leanred my thinker was broke but repairable.
Keeping clean and sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking/drugs. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink or drug.. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing and i cant afford to forget that.
i sure hope ya make the decision to do face the fears and do whatever ya gotta do to get clean. it is an awesome life!1 i am no longer existing!!!

Godzilla

Seems the pain of getting high has exceeded the pain of reality. I think it has anyway. So many things I love I have neglected for so long. I go through good patches for months at a time and then I implode/explode whatever you wanna call it.

Godzilla

All I want to do is sleep.

Threshold

Godzilla, Way to tell my story for me! Thanks.

Using got so it didn't do what I was using for...make me feel ok. It stole what little good I did have in my life.

Withdrawals sucked, but it was the only way out, then I was left with a life I felt unequipped and unwilling to deal with, more suckage. ugh

I know now that the only answer is to create a life worth living and equipping myself to deal with life. That feels impossible and pointless some days, I have to just move of the faith and hope other recovered addicts share here, because I am out of my own. So I borrow liberally, and pay back when I am having a lucid moment or two.

One thing that helps me tremendously is rigorous honesty, meaning I have to force myself to apply it all the time. Here is a very common example. In my head I say "I wish I were dead"...so I ask myself, is that true? no, I wish I felt differently than I do. OK, well, that's quite another story, and requires a different response.

I have to do this alot.

Your last statement, about wanting to sleep, hit me hard.

I said that yesterday and again this morning. I just want to sleep, a real long time, until I feel better, until my life is different, until I feel able to deal with things.

And THAT is precisely what I used for...to escape, to sleep, to not have to deal, to hope that when I came to...things would be different , that I would be different.

It didn't work. I suppose sleeping life away, won't be any more effective. It seems the only way to be OK with life, is to work to improve life and my ability to accept and deal with it.

There are still days when I have to take a step back, at least do no harm. I may not make too much forward motion, but as long as I don't use...I'm not making it worse, that in itself is progress. Every day farther away from using, is a day farther away from using. A day when in some small but real way I dealt with life clean.

I've cheated, relapsed and slipped some in my recovery. But, like you, I've found out it just doesn't help. A fix doesn't fix anything, what I truly want is a solution, not an escape. I don't want to lose my entire life, I want to be able to live it. That is honest.

So, I wake up, don't buy, don't use. Face my life, realize everyone is facing their too, so try to be gentle to myself and them etc.

Dreams have been driving me nuts lately, so sleep wasn't even an escape. I finally figured out that the meds (antihistamines) I was taking to help me sleep were contributing to the bad dreams!

As important as it is to care for our loved ones etc. I had to move past asking/shaming myself with "why are you doing this to them?" and ask "why are you doing this to yourself?"

because I wasn't doing it to them, that was collateral damage, but by using I was doing, or attempting to do something to myself...and that is where my solution lies...to figure out why I was/am doing that, and find another way.

Godzilla

Thanks for all the input I've learned a few new things already from reading your posts and reading some other threads as well. My first goal other than staying clean today is to get up bright and early and hit the gym for a nice walk on the treadmill tomorrow morning. A start. I'm looking into some type of therapy. I prefer one on one instead of group. I also find what I eat helps me through. When I'm high I eat like **** I down ice cream candy cake and whatever other sweets I can get my hands on which in turn makes me feel even worse. It's a cycle that must be broken. I need and want a newer more positive mentally and physically healthier cycle. I'm so done with this crap. I don't wanna have to crawl from the bottom of the barrel again. I want this to be the last time.

hopeandhealing

I am struggling too. I had some time (2.5 years), but my relapse started about 8 months before I picked up. Was in a relationship w/someone who was also sober, but he wasn't working the program. He was dry and his disease was active in his behavior, thoughts and actions. It was a very hard living with this person for 1.5 years. When he relapsed back in November, I went over the edge with him. I had kicked him out, but then took him back over and over. He was really my drug. Then he introduced me to H (something I promised myself I would NEVER do). The past six months has been utter hell. I was taking care of him, working (thank GOD i didn't lose my job), and using. Finally, I told him that I wanted to get help and get clean. I couldn't stand it anymore. The withdrawls were horrible (although i was snorting, not injecting) and I knew he was killing me. I finally got the courage to make him leave for good (about a month ago) and i am still having a hard time not drinking...i don't drink a lot, but its something that helps numb the pain. i haven't been honest with my sponsor about this. i need to come clean as it is hindering me from immersing myself in the program and learning to clear the wreakage. I worry about him tremendously, as he is living in his car and doing stupid things that will get him locked up. But I have to redirect my worry to me, as I don't want to die, and for him, he is running on free will and the outlook isn't good.

Threshold

hugs, hope...that is a really tough situation. I'm glad you are working on taking care of you.

Godzilla

I know for me time is running out. Regardless of the amount of pills I swallow or snort and the length in days of my binge it is getting harder and harder for me to bounce back. The black emotionless feelings take longer and longer to go away. The thoughts of offing myself come more often. The time is now. No more.

keltie

Keep coming back and keep posting. We will be here for you.

Godzilla

Hit the gym and I feel good. Day 4 is underway. Thank you for all of the support. It really helps a lot.