Bristolgirl07

Hi everyone
This is my first post and I hoping some of you might be able to help me understand what's just happened. I am very naive about the drugs scene.

I was seeing a guy for a few months and I had really started to like him. We had loads in common, had a lot of fun together and I felt very comfortable around him.

However, he did use coke - though he told me not that much. But I know of at least 4 occasions when he took it during the time we were together and two of those times were at family occasions (his mum's 60th birthday party & at a family wedding).

He told me that I made him nervous (because he wasn't on coke when he was with me?) and that being around a friend of a friend who is a police officer also made him nervous. He often came home from work and fell asleep and sleep a lot over the weekend.

The last time I saw him, we spent the weekend together and had a great time (or so I thought). 2 weeks later he broke up with me. He said that I was beautiful, funny and intelligent and that he couldn't understand why he felt the way he did. He said that he didn't think we had a lot in common, that he'd got to the stage where he'd rather hang out with his friends and that I wouldn't like his friends anyway. His two previous girlfriends both took cocaine with him (one on Christmas day at his grandparents' house).

I am wondering if the fact that I'm a non-user made me appear boring in his eyes, if he was bored when he was with me because he wasn't on coke, if he said he'd rather hang out with his mates because he can do coke with them and if I wouldn't like his mates because they do drugs with him? If I thought this was the case, it would make me understand what's just happened a little better. Or else he just didn't want me!

We are in our mid-thirties and he's been doing it for at least 15 years. He holds down a good job and appears to fully functioning in every other aspect of life.

Does the high you get from coke make everything else in life appear boring? We had a lovely time together but he was very hot and cold and it was as if it was out of sight, out of mind where I was concerned.

Any advice, help, understanding would be very welcome.

Thank you - and sorry for the long post.

Taking5

Advice? Move on, don't look back, and find a guy that doesn't do drugs.

Bristolgirl07

Hi both
Thank you for the replies. One thing that attracted me about this guy was that he seemed so sorted. I went out with someone for years who was emotionally abusive and unstable and he had terrible mood swings. This guy holds down a good job, does a lot of sport and told me he was happy - until we finished and then he said he wasn't that happy after all.

Whenever the subject came up, he said he didn't do that much - denial, maybe?

I hope that I'll look back at some point and think he did me a favour. Right now, I just feel very upset.

CarolD

Why do you need a druggie or an abusive man in your life?
I sure hope you will begin taking better care of yourself...perhaps couseling?

Welcome...

Abstinence

Personally, I usually despise cocaine abusers, primarily because in my experience, cocaine turns people into self-absorbed, immature, narcissistic, aloof, arrogant fools.

I know that the rejection you're feeling is painful, but time will heal you. I agree with the other members of this forum, this guy did you a favour. I would strongly advise against taking cocaine, and I am pleased to hear that you refrained from being sucked in.

Good luck!

Bristolgirl07

Thanks again for all the replies. I am getting some counselling as some of his behaviour has brought back a lot of bad memories from my previous relationship.

It's interesting to hear cocaine can make people arrogant and selfish. My mum was in hospital for a week and I had to cancel plans with him. He barely talked to me then and said later that he thought I'd gone off him. As we'd only just started dating, I didn't know how much contact to expect.

But a few weeks later we were walking the beach with our arms wrapped around each other & he was being very affectionate all that weekend. It was only a few days after that that he went quiet again and a week or two later that he finished it so I've been very confused.

Is this hot and cold behaviour normal? I like to think that he liked me but it seems that there were certain things he couldn't do around me and that made him resentful.

I had no idea he was so into drugs when we met. It's only now that I look back and am realising the extent of it.

My counsellor told me last week that I may have been too disapproving of his drug use for his liking. We didn't talk about it that much but I was shocked when he told me about the family occasions at which he'd taken it.

Thanks again for your replies.

Kedakari

Brush it off. Everyone here says the same, and you are better off without him.
I'm an opiate addict. I never got anyone to use with me; but I watched a lot of nice clean people get sucked into a relationship that involves drugs and almost ALWAYS the better of the two ends up being the worst in the end.

I've met girls who were basicly slaves to their boyfriends because the dirty low down guy gets the girl hooked to keep her around. Next thing you know she's prostituting for him to score drugs.

Now, I'm not saying that will be you, I'm just saying thats what I see happen A LOT in the lifestyle I lived.
At least he had enough brains to see he wasnt good for you.

What good is it to be with someone who you cant bring around your family because the drugs have made them so nervous?
Believe me, you'll find someone with much more going for them. Someone with a drug problem cant possibly be of any support to you if anything was to happen. I'll be positive that sooner or later you'll be the one paying for his habbit financially and emotionally.

gabriel01

Hi Bristolgirl07,

I totally understand what you are talking about. Very similar to what had happened to me, except I didn't know he was using it when I met him. He told me about his problem couple months ago.

I have been reading a lot about this issue in the last couple months. I understand that nothing we can do unless he wants to change n stop using it himself. All I can do it's to support him. But if he is not ready, you have to leave him. I know, he is a nice guy when he is not using it, but coke & alcohol control their minds when they are using it. It manipulates their thinking.

And yes, when he was using it, his behaviors & emotional is just like yo-yo.

dear, you have to talk to him. If he is not ready, nothing you can do. He needs to have a very strong & clear mind.

God Bless you

Bristolgirl07

Hi Kekedari - thanks for your reply. I hope he thinks that I'm not good enough for him. I've been going over it all in my head and trying to work out what went wrong. The only thing I can pin it on is the drug use and the fact that I'm a non-user. If someone's social life revolves around it, that doesn't leave much time for anyone else.

Hi Gabriel - so sorry to hear that you've been going through something similar. I didn't know that this guy was a user when I met him. He's broken up with me now and I really couldn't work out why as things had been going really well. I have been really hurt by him and wanted to see if anyone could shed any light on whether the drug use had an impact. His behaviour was very hot and cold - like a yo-yo, like you say. Lovely when I was with him but when I wasn't, he seemed to persuade himself away from from me. I hope your situation improves.

Thanks again all.

waw545

Cocaine is very addictive it will make you sell your soul and anything else thats available I no because Iam a recovering coke addict. Be careful it would probably be best to move on with your life you will only be hurt if you try to stay.

Bristolgirl07

Hi Waw
Thanks for the reply. Sorry to hear you were addicted too. This guy has broken up with me so I have no choice but to stay away. He kept telling me that he didn't do that much and naively I believed him. I had no idea he was a coke addict when we met so got sucked in before I realised how much he took. One day I hope I will be glad that he broke up with me.

england

I am also a recovering cocaine addict and you will always come second to the drug - you are better off to cut all ties with him or your life will become very stressful.

He will constantly lie to you and if the police come knocking it could be you that ends up with a criminal record.

Bristolgirl07

Thanks England. This guy said that he didn't take coke all that much - was that just him playing it down? I know of at least 4 times that he took at in the time I was seeing him (3 months). I'm wondering if he was ever on it when he was with me. He said I made him nervous and I'm wondering if that's because he wasn't on coke when he was with me.

A previous ex used to break up with me a week or two after he'd taken coke/ecstasy and that was the comedown.

The last time I saw the guy I'm posting about (I'll call him W), we had a lovely time together. A week and a half later he finishes it. I'm wondering if it's the result of a coke comedown again because otherwise it's very hard to explain why he would finish it when he said he had a good time with me.

Does everything else seem boring if you're a coke user? We did nice, normal things together but I think that wasn't enough for him.