lostinthedeep

This is my first post. This community seems like it will be a good outlet for me while I kick my habit.

I'm 30 years old and I've been taking narcotic painkillers every day for about 3 years and nobody knows- not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my family- nobody (but the dealers and an estranged friend).

I became friends with a girl in 2007 who was addicted to painkillers. I didn't even know for the first 2 years of our friendship- she started offering them to me when I would come over, slowly I found out the extent of her addiction and also fell in love with the opiate high. Pretty soon our friendship turned into a shared addiction friendship... got ugly fast. I stopped hanging out with her 2 years ago, afraid I'd end up like her.

That wasn't enough. My addiction was too great. I thought this was a wonder drug- it killed my intense anxiety disorder, gave me confidence around strangers and energy to do things I normally wouldn't want to do...

My tolerance grew... I began spending more and money money on them. I've been living paycheck to paycheck the past 3 years, and in the past year have accumulated 7 payday loans to support my habit. I take between 60-75 mg a day.

I'm constantly walking around scared to death I will be found out. Anytime anyone compliments me or is kind to me I feel like ****- and like a fraud. I have nightmares about being found out every night. I wake up in sweat. It's slowly driving me insane. The guilt, the shame.

I turned down my dealer when he called today offering to get me some more. I told him I'm quitting and he was happy for me. I deleted his number. I will miss him- he was a nice guy (for a drug dealer) but it is what it is!

So, this is my plan: I will take the last of my vicodin tonight, then I have some morphine to wean myself down for 3 days (I hate morphine- I only take it when I run out of of percs, oxy or vicodin so I don't go into withdrawal), then Friday I will flush any morphine I have left and will switch to tramadol for that day, and then Saturday I will let the withdrawal start, day 1. I plan to detox all weekend then call in sick on Monday. By Tuesday, I hope to be out of the woods enough to be able to drag my butt to work next week. I know the mental anguish will be great but I'm ready to be DONE once and for all.

I can't carry this ugly secret anymore. I can't destroy my credit anymore. Or myself. I've stolen pills from 12 people I know over the past 3 years and they have no idea.

My boyfriend just left on tour last week for almost a whole month so this is a perfect time for me to get off these damn pills. I'm just looking for support from people who've been through the same thing. I know the odds are not in my favor, doing this alone and everything, but it's the only way. I'm pretty sure if I told everyone that I'd most definitely continue using because of the fallout that would happen from my confession- my boyfriend could dump me, my mom would disown me, I could lose my best friends who will feel lied to... I never lied directly, but I lied by omission. Anyway, I plan to tell everyone once I have 60 days under my belt. The longest I've ever went is 10 days and that was a year and 1/2 ago and because I had no choice in the matter- there were none to be found.

I imagine I will be posting more frequently come this weekend when the **** hits the fan. Sorry this was so long!

keltie

Oh bless you! I was just going to post that I too called my dealer and cancelled a deal supposed to go down today. I'm terrified but feel relieved. I'll post another thread and we can do this together!

lostinthedeep

YES! I was hoping someone friendly would be doing it around the same time as me! I just added you as a friend on here (?). Not sure the ins and outs of this website yet..

I'm terrified as well but I'm actually EXCITED about this change right now. I've never felt excited about quitting before- so that makes me think I'm really ready this time. I'm sure I won't feel too excited this weekend when I'm covered in sweat and peeing out my butt but hey, I deserve to go through that! I've done this to myself!

P.S. I LOVE Ryan Gosling... *swoon*

Dee74

welcome to SR lostinthedeep - I know you'll find a ton of support here

D

atimeofchoice

It is wonderful you are being so honest about your addiction ... you sound ready for a change. And way to go on ridding yourself of your dealer! You will find a whole mess of support on this site - me included!

You can absolutely get through this. It will be very hard at times, but if you can just stick it out for the first 10 days or so, you will be well on your way. We will help and support you whenever you need it.

Keep reading and posting and take very best care!

-A

stairs

That is awesome and so worth it.
Being a slave to those little pills is no way to live.
You deserve much better.

lostinthedeep

I'm honestly crying right now. I was so afraid to post this awful truth... I have a feeling this forum is going to end up saving my life.

I plan to go to NA meetings too any night I'm sitting on my hands wanting to find myself some pills.

So grateful I have this resource to help me. I'm so relieved I finally bit the bullet and posted my story and stopped just lurking around reading! Feels good.

likehappiness

Lost--you are in the right place. All of us are here because we have been in the same position as you. We are addicts too and all of have struggled getting off of them and staying off of them.

I hid my addiction from my husband, family and friends until my work figured it out. I came clean and wanted to for a long time before and just was afraid. It will not be easy so just try to stick with it. If you use you will go backwards. Just keep telling yourself you will only do this once.

Since you are buy yourself....make sure you get everything you need BEFORE your detox. Make your self a list of everything you need. Stay safe.

lostinthedeep

Yes, for sure. I plan to go grocery shopping this week before day 1- going to get myself food, gatorade, lots of bananas (hoping it will help the RLS), vitamin b12, that L-Tyronsine(?) or whatever it's called I keep reading about, eggs, immodium AD... I have prescription strength Naproxen fand old muscle relaxers for the aches and also low dose Ativan to help me sleep (I have a legit script for it because of my anxiety disorder- it's a good thing I find them boring & useless besides to sleep.) I plan to hole up Saturday through Monday. We may have a family dinner Sunday night because my grandma is home again for the spring/summer so I might drag myself there because seeing my family will make me even more gung-ho to be done FOREVER. I guess we'll see how I'm doing by then. I owe my grandma about $400 and haven't paid her a cent toward my loan since January... just another reason to be done with this so I can start giving back.

Thanks for the support!!!!

sbaybay

i understand my addiction was a secret for 2 years but got exposed finally the last year.. i am 25 and treated like a baby because my family loves me so much. it's hard and i've relapsed once. but you can do it!! we're here for you

SilverSparkCat

Welcome and you've come to the right place!

I told myself for years that I wanted to quit and failed because it was always a lie. You sound exactly like I did when I FINALLY made the ultimate choice to get off the opiates...it was really empowering. It also gave me a mental edge when I went thru the wd because THIS time it was MY choice to get off the Oxy. It wasn't a forced wd because I had run out of pills. This was a huge factor in me getting thru the wds.

One suggestion for the RLS and leg aches is getting some A535 or some other leg rub. Hot bathes are the best but I was simply too tired to take any. The heat in the cream really helped the severe leg pain and let me get some sleep.

And it can't be said enough---once you go thru the wd, you NEVER have to do it again. I'm on day 25 and still feeling like crap but I'm not chained to a drug anymore that was destroying my life. Good luck!

AtomChick

Welcome to the site and when you start your day 1, let us know and keep your computer on hot stand by for us to post and give you support. I'm on day 8 today and feel good. Don't concern yourself about telling the people you think you should tell. I know you may want to unload but in my opinion, give yourself the 60 days....This is your burden to carry, its your addiction to carry and if its going to destroy the people around you, its something to think about. I''m sorry, I don't know the politically correct answer here, and don't want to offend anyone, but the way I see it, for ME personally is I don't want to burden or worry anyone else with something I went thru..... UNLESS I need the direct help of these people.

Best of luck in this demon you are going to fight and I look forward to reading your posts.

melaniek778

Hey Lostinthedeep, I am 9 days sober from Oxy and Percs, I know exactly how you feel... It's weird lol...
As far as WD goes, few things you may want to stock up on before you do it is 1.) Immodium AD (trust me, IT HELPS) 2.) Benedryl (try to sleep through as much of it as you can) 3.) Emetrol (anit-nausea liquid) it's basically sugar water, you cant over do it, and it will help ease the stomach cramping.
I don't know about you, but I drink a ****-ton of coffee everyday, DON'T drink it while detoxing. It will only make the muscle spasm worse and will make your dehydration worse. Deal with the headache that accompanies caffeine withdrawal.
My problem was also a secret, five years deep... Detox was rough, but I will be honest with you, it's actually the *easy* part. Figuring out what to do with yourself when sober, is the tough part... the depression that follows is not easy either. But keep your chin up! We did the right thing right? Of course we did. I have a lot of things I want to say to you and ask you, but I was never really good at this sort of thing.... feel free to message me or whatever should you want to... ok? best of luck...
-Mel

keltie

It's so great to see so many of us coming out of the woodwork! Lost, so happy for you and everyone else on here with the support you've been given!! This is why SR ROCKS!!!

Chrisy

I just wanted to let you know I am on day two of oxycodone withdrawals. You are not alone. I have found this forum to be a god sent.

You and I have taken the first step in getting clean. That is the most difficult step because our friends are not at that place to admit that they have a problem. My good friend who has a really bad back like I have a very bad neck and shoulder doesn't see the the oxycodone is making us drug addicts and we need to get off the opiate merry go round or we will die. All she sees is it helps the pain in her back. I am hoping that my posting on my facebook and blog my journey to become clean and find other opiate free treatments for pain will open her eyes. I had to begin the journey alone because she isn't ready to open her eyes to the truth of our situation.

One prayer that means a lot to me is the sernity prayer of God give me the sernity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen.

We can't change the fact that we are going to have to go through terrible withdrawals. Some posted to me to get some movies and last night I watch one of my British films I love with Hugh Grant and Colin Firth called Love Actually. I am half Brit so I tend to have more of a British outlook then American. it did help to take my mind off what I was feelings.

We can find the courage to change our self and continue to make the choice to stay clean. Knowing that getting off the drug merry go round will save our lives. We will have a much better quality of life not chained to some drug, just to feel normal.

May we have the wisdom to make the right choice and work a program. There isn't an NA close to me, but when I am feeling better, I will go as I am facing the truth that I am a drug addict. I am no different then any other addict. We lie to ourselves and to others. The drug becomes the most important thing in our lives.

I am always here for you if you want to pm me and we can talk and help each other through.

Love and Blessings
Chrisy

keltie

Lost, how are you doing? Haven't heard from you today and am worried.

zandre

I didn't read through all of the posts but I just wanted to comment on a few things you said.

I had an Oxycodone addition for about 6 months and NOBODY had the slightest idea something was wrong. I could get chores done, run my small business, go to college classes, work etc without anyone noticing a thing.

It also helped me with my severe anxiety that you have. Before I got hooked on Oxy I had a problem with alcohol. A very heavy, heavy addiction (20+ beers over the course of the day). I was able to kick that habit and stay clean for months.

Than I discovered Tramadol. When I first started taking it, it gave me a high better than what a Vicodin would. I have no idea why because it is much weaker pain killer and is an opioid (opiate derivative) not an opiate like Vicodins, Oxycontin, etc. Anyways, it was so easy and convenient to get online because it isn't a tightly controlled drug like Oxy, Vicodin, Percs, etc. I could literally order 180 pills and have them sent to me the next day. By the end of my addiction with Tramadol, I was taking 1000mg or more a day. I was able to kick that habit and stayed clean again for a little while before I got introduced to Oxy. Like you, I loved the opiate high and it made all my worries go away. In fact, I functioned better on it (no idea why but I did).

Another similar reason to stop, the money. It totally drained my finances. I worked my ass off only to have that money go towards pills. That alone is enough for me to quit this crap. It is embarrassing how much money I've spent on them. Put it this way I could of probably bought a new car.

The good thing is that YOU ARE READY to quit. I've learned in addiction unless you are truly ready to quit than you'll usually end up relapsing.

I hope things are going well for you. Good luck and keep up the good work. You know these damn pills are no where near worth it.

lostinthedeep

Hey guys, I'm still alive! Have definitely had some major thoughts about getting more, lemme tell ya. Yesterday I took only 20mg of morphine throughout the day... morphine doesn't get me high. It's all part of my taper. Only way I can taper is with the M's because I have no desire to take more like with the vikes/perks/oxy. Anyway, I went out to a HH with my friends after work yesterday and man, it was tough. I felt so naked, so awkward, so shy, almost nervous. It kind of floored me when I realized that almost every time I've socialized in the past 3 years, I was high on pills... it's so disturbing. Ugh. What a sham. I've been donig to bed early this week because I'm not high. It's like a new life, almost. Yet I'm still taking opiates for the taper so not quite the new life yet.

Tonight I'm going to a friend's house- we are ordering pizza and hanging out. Tomorrow is my tramadol day (which isn't technically an opiate but as you know helps) and Saturday will be my first day totally off everything. I went to the store yesterday and got Pedialyte, Immodium, and vitamins. Tonight I'm going to get groceries before I go to my friend's place.

Funny thing... my main dealer called me today to tell me I must be psychic. The big deal that goes down this day every month didn't happen because the lady got cut off- ha! So imagine if I hadn't decided to quit, and had been waiting to get them and then that happened? Wow. It made me feel a lot better (which is why he called me- thought it would help, haha). I really think because it's my idea to quit and not because something like that happened, it's going to help me get through this weekend of withdrawal. I sure hope so. He also said there's no way he will ever sell me any pills again, haha. I want to believe him! That other chick I know though, she's a moneygrubbing bitch and I know she wouldn't blink an eye. THAT is who I was thinking of last night when I was having the urges. Bah.

Also noticed other things... like how at work the day flies by now because I used to be checking my phone all day trying to arrange something. It's wild.

I started crying on my way to work today. Feeling kind of alone in this. But it passed. Feeling confident again.

I will definitely be on here this weekend when it gets bad, don't worry! I'll be checkin' in!

Leemzer

You will be fine. Today is day 37 for me and I took 50mg of hydrocodone pretty much every single day for 5 years. It is rough for about 5-7 days but you can manage. Just get ready to sweat along, have slurry sleep, be more tired than you've ever been...maybe nauseous with headaches....but it WILL pass. It is actually a very forgiving drug in a relatively short time and you DO see results pretty fast. Days 1-3 or 4 are tough but then the clouds part. I am only 5 weeks into this so if you ever need to chat I am here! lee

keltie

So relieved to hear from you, Lost. See, good things already happening for you- you'd have been forced to go CT anyhow. I love that it was your choice, just like me. I think you're sounding strong and ready. I have been on tramadol, you know that, but I've been on this Pink Cloud major time. After the wedding, when I get back on the 16th, I am going to wean off tram. I'll get totally depressed, so I'm sure I'll be looking for lots of help! I want to be TOTALLY CLEAN.

I am very proud of you!