speed and weed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2
speed and weed
Back to the beginning with amphetamines. Marijuana is a gateway drug. Through my abuse I ripened and expanded my appetite for drugs as the cure for what ailed me. Speed was perfect. I was working out more and I could read and research like never before. I viewed myself as more witty and sociable and the insomnia could be curtailed by a fat marijuana cigarette. In fact speed was a catalyst for my addiction to Marijuana and nicotine, coffee, and pornography which were what I would call “satellite addictions.” Sans nicotine, I’d actually picked up the other addictions years earlier as I tended to assume a hedonistic lifestyle.
With my GPA soaring by the end of 2010, I would have never foreseen the gravity of the break down until I finally fully fell apart.
After slipping into amphetamine psychosis, my ideas of reference and influence were at first persecutory and intense (when I was stoned). I had drained myself of essential life nutrients and I was wholly malnourished. The positive effects were wearing off. But I needed speed because it dictated my psyche. I could obliterate my real feelings that I was hiding from. I was physically lazy but mentally energized, and as long as I had what I needed to get me past my depression, I didn't try to fix or even consider the harm that I was doing to myself.
I’d developed a recidivistic drug seeking behavior. My psychological health was giving way to hypervigilance. Such a tense and sensitive disposition made me become deeply but most times pointlessly and wastefully introspective, tending to become fixated on phrases, concepts, and words themselves. The way I see it, the Marijuana and stress, along with some brain damage from a head injury years earlier, was holding captive my ability to read, understanding, and analyze the academic material I was studying to the point where I couldn’t complete my assignments without including obvious and invasive ideas of reference. It was like a grammatical paraphilia, where I couldn’t resist the urge to expose certain words or concepts. One very interesting professor who I (resonably) believe was very in tune to my mental state had on a paper he graded circled two of these words at a time and connected them with a high arch, making them appear as though he was drawing a dick and balls on my paper.
Such seemingly minor pareidolia in my state had a profound ability to set me off in a transderivational search, because the picture suggested several scenarios- was it a Superbad reference, should this have gone in my dick drawing lunchbox? Maybe it was to say, “whatever it is, you wouldn’t want to see it.” After reviewing the paper months and months later, I could see how the last interpretation would make sense. The paper was below my true ability and was in honest truth an academic failure.
Sober now for about 4 months my ideas of influence tend to be low-grade but chronic, and at times, crippling in their nature of persecution. My ideas of reference are still there- my job computer based and full of acronyms doesn’t help things, but my fixation and fear that I derived from them has subsided significantly.
I’d sum up amphetamine psychosis as a disease with the characteristics of the 19th century concept of "moral insanity." In a study comparing amphetamine psychosis and paranoid schizophrenia by D.S. Bell, Bell draws attention to the popular school of thought professing that a latent abnormal process is activated by chronic amphetamine use. He offers a more plausible explanation that the activation of a latent abnormal process would seem to be that continued addiction to amphetamines produces a gradual reversible change in the activity of the brain, possibly of the reticular activating system. The continued and prolonged stimulation results in a disturbance that is so stereotyped that it may be regarded as a (emphasis added) physiological reaction rather than as unmasking psychological "latent traits." The theoretical implication is that a similar physiological mechanism may be involved in schizophrenia, giving rise to symptoms that are common to it and amphetamine psychosis. Chronic prolonged and excessive arousal may be a pathogenic mechanism common to both entities.
The thought derailment and thought disorder following the onset of amphetamine psychosis seemed for me to be exacerbated and influenced by a self-centered sociopathy with a focus on persecutory fears with elements of grandiosity and ideas of reference. In my experience, my dissociated self had two primary idea fixees or common fixated trains of thought: one with gradients of narcissistic and persecutory grandiosity, and the other, paranoid ideation focused on privacy concerns with sex and porn addiction.
With my GPA soaring by the end of 2010, I would have never foreseen the gravity of the break down until I finally fully fell apart.
After slipping into amphetamine psychosis, my ideas of reference and influence were at first persecutory and intense (when I was stoned). I had drained myself of essential life nutrients and I was wholly malnourished. The positive effects were wearing off. But I needed speed because it dictated my psyche. I could obliterate my real feelings that I was hiding from. I was physically lazy but mentally energized, and as long as I had what I needed to get me past my depression, I didn't try to fix or even consider the harm that I was doing to myself.
I’d developed a recidivistic drug seeking behavior. My psychological health was giving way to hypervigilance. Such a tense and sensitive disposition made me become deeply but most times pointlessly and wastefully introspective, tending to become fixated on phrases, concepts, and words themselves. The way I see it, the Marijuana and stress, along with some brain damage from a head injury years earlier, was holding captive my ability to read, understanding, and analyze the academic material I was studying to the point where I couldn’t complete my assignments without including obvious and invasive ideas of reference. It was like a grammatical paraphilia, where I couldn’t resist the urge to expose certain words or concepts. One very interesting professor who I (resonably) believe was very in tune to my mental state had on a paper he graded circled two of these words at a time and connected them with a high arch, making them appear as though he was drawing a dick and balls on my paper.
Such seemingly minor pareidolia in my state had a profound ability to set me off in a transderivational search, because the picture suggested several scenarios- was it a Superbad reference, should this have gone in my dick drawing lunchbox? Maybe it was to say, “whatever it is, you wouldn’t want to see it.” After reviewing the paper months and months later, I could see how the last interpretation would make sense. The paper was below my true ability and was in honest truth an academic failure.
Sober now for about 4 months my ideas of influence tend to be low-grade but chronic, and at times, crippling in their nature of persecution. My ideas of reference are still there- my job computer based and full of acronyms doesn’t help things, but my fixation and fear that I derived from them has subsided significantly.
I’d sum up amphetamine psychosis as a disease with the characteristics of the 19th century concept of "moral insanity." In a study comparing amphetamine psychosis and paranoid schizophrenia by D.S. Bell, Bell draws attention to the popular school of thought professing that a latent abnormal process is activated by chronic amphetamine use. He offers a more plausible explanation that the activation of a latent abnormal process would seem to be that continued addiction to amphetamines produces a gradual reversible change in the activity of the brain, possibly of the reticular activating system. The continued and prolonged stimulation results in a disturbance that is so stereotyped that it may be regarded as a (emphasis added) physiological reaction rather than as unmasking psychological "latent traits." The theoretical implication is that a similar physiological mechanism may be involved in schizophrenia, giving rise to symptoms that are common to it and amphetamine psychosis. Chronic prolonged and excessive arousal may be a pathogenic mechanism common to both entities.
The thought derailment and thought disorder following the onset of amphetamine psychosis seemed for me to be exacerbated and influenced by a self-centered sociopathy with a focus on persecutory fears with elements of grandiosity and ideas of reference. In my experience, my dissociated self had two primary idea fixees or common fixated trains of thought: one with gradients of narcissistic and persecutory grandiosity, and the other, paranoid ideation focused on privacy concerns with sex and porn addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
I am totally confused by this post are you trying to show us how smart you are? I would say your pretty smart. How are you going to hold on to that 4 months do you go to meetings? I think you should and you could dumb it down for us common folk
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 35
I called it the 'zone' for my first degree. Pretty much was completely stoned for the entirety of the time. Until recently, I decided to run with methamphetamine in my current degree but unfortunately my mental state is screwed. Despite the complexity of your post, I found it amusing that your professor determined that you had drawn a dick and balls on one of your papers. I have found great value in the 'zone' and my ability to somehow acquire degrees. It will be interesting to see if I was just kidding myself about the benefits of drugs and study as I attempt to stay clean
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
