This Is Day 14 Off Of Percs, So.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 32
This Is Day 14 Off Of Percs, So.....
.....how is that I'm physically and somewhat mentally feeling so much better but my personal life seems to be imploding?
Without getting too specific, I'll just say that my relationship with my husband is strained. He's aware of my addiction and very recent recovery, of which he's been supportive. It's important to note that he's a recovering alcoholic for 20 years. I supported him through the long 2 year program he used - one year as an in-patient resident, one year of intensive out-patient aftercare. We have a long history of really working on our marriage but now things are very shaky over one specific issue since I stopped using and I do not know how to fix it at all. For now, I'm "faking it 'til I make it" - in a very literal sense, actually.
My adult daughter and I are a bundle of either silent or loud hurt feelings. We've had a very close but very tumultuous relationship her whole life but things are so bad right now. She and her wonderful, beautiful daughter live in our home. Lately, my daughter is making noises about wanting her freedom and possibly giving us our granddaughter to raise, which we would do in a hot minute. As I said, we've always had a difficult relationship and for the last 8 years or so I've dealt with it by NOT dealing with it aka using drugs. In the short time that I've been sober, I have HAD to deal with her and the repercussions are pretty horrible.
Lastly, my mother, who is my very best friend, is battling an out-of-the-blue advanced cancer diagnosis and I am her rock. My days start and end with intense phone calls which I wouldn't trade for the world, but it breaks me.
It's just so much.
Again, I'm doing really well on this 14th day, more physically than anything else. Psychologically I want to use so badly. How flipping easy would it be to just take some pills and be the "better mom/wife/daughter/grandmother" I thought I was. Is anyone going to even like me sober? Am I going to like me sober? So far, it doesn't seem so.....
If you read all of this and didn't want to hurl a rock at my throat, I thank you. And just for today, I will not use.
Without getting too specific, I'll just say that my relationship with my husband is strained. He's aware of my addiction and very recent recovery, of which he's been supportive. It's important to note that he's a recovering alcoholic for 20 years. I supported him through the long 2 year program he used - one year as an in-patient resident, one year of intensive out-patient aftercare. We have a long history of really working on our marriage but now things are very shaky over one specific issue since I stopped using and I do not know how to fix it at all. For now, I'm "faking it 'til I make it" - in a very literal sense, actually.
My adult daughter and I are a bundle of either silent or loud hurt feelings. We've had a very close but very tumultuous relationship her whole life but things are so bad right now. She and her wonderful, beautiful daughter live in our home. Lately, my daughter is making noises about wanting her freedom and possibly giving us our granddaughter to raise, which we would do in a hot minute. As I said, we've always had a difficult relationship and for the last 8 years or so I've dealt with it by NOT dealing with it aka using drugs. In the short time that I've been sober, I have HAD to deal with her and the repercussions are pretty horrible.
Lastly, my mother, who is my very best friend, is battling an out-of-the-blue advanced cancer diagnosis and I am her rock. My days start and end with intense phone calls which I wouldn't trade for the world, but it breaks me.
It's just so much.
Again, I'm doing really well on this 14th day, more physically than anything else. Psychologically I want to use so badly. How flipping easy would it be to just take some pills and be the "better mom/wife/daughter/grandmother" I thought I was. Is anyone going to even like me sober? Am I going to like me sober? So far, it doesn't seem so.....
If you read all of this and didn't want to hurl a rock at my throat, I thank you. And just for today, I will not use.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through some hard times in your personal life. There are going to be hard times in life whether you are sober or using. Feel things for what they are, numbing yourself and fogging your mind with only cause you pain in the future. You will be better able to support your mother, care for your grandchild (if needed), and resolve marital issues with a clear mind. Perhaps try some healthy ways of calming yourself- some guided meditation, a long walk outdoors, or even a painting class.
Good luck to you. Stay strong.
p.s. This is a good beginner meditation video if you are interested: Meditation w/ Anusara Yogi Bridget Woods Kramer - omshop.com - YouTube
Good luck to you. Stay strong.
p.s. This is a good beginner meditation video if you are interested: Meditation w/ Anusara Yogi Bridget Woods Kramer - omshop.com - YouTube
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 132
Be good to yourself. Sober will help you make the right decisions. You've been and are the rock for everyone else, you now need to be strong for you. I'm sorry for the pain and frustration you are feeling. Mom, hubby, granddaughter need and love you. It's time for daughter to grow up. You can do this. Praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: california
Posts: 323
Oh, my dear- I would rather give you a bear hug than throw a rock at you. ((hugs))
My story is similar to yours in some ways. My usage started and increased due to me wanting to escape from a very difficult relationship with my daughter. I SO know what you mean about just swallowing a pill to "escape" and actually feel like a "better" mom/daughter/wife. Unfortunately, you and I both know it's a lie.
I have no more advice, since I am struggling right now myself, but wanted to offer some empathy. Others will be along to support you and encourage you with their ESH (experience, strength and hope.)
My story is similar to yours in some ways. My usage started and increased due to me wanting to escape from a very difficult relationship with my daughter. I SO know what you mean about just swallowing a pill to "escape" and actually feel like a "better" mom/daughter/wife. Unfortunately, you and I both know it's a lie.
I have no more advice, since I am struggling right now myself, but wanted to offer some empathy. Others will be along to support you and encourage you with their ESH (experience, strength and hope.)
I Am Burning ; I Will Rise
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 286
Welcome atoc! What a situation to be in. You sound as if you're handling it quit well though. You sound very strong and intelligent and aware. I definitely think you'll handle it all better clean, without the guilt sitting on you all day trying to resolve everything. And I've found that just when we take the initiative to make our lives better, things often seem to start going horribly wrong at the same time....and they might be....but I think it's part of the challange, part of the fight to get your WHOLE LIFE in order again. You have a number of things to feal with, short of your mother, deal with them one at a time. You might be willing to take your granddaughter, but what good would it do if your home and relationship are already in chaos? Set out the priorities and move forward to fixing them. Easier said than done I know. But I have a feeling you are a very capable person by the looks of it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
atimeofchoice,
First off I want to commend you greatly for quitting. I do understand first hand how difficult it is to quit at a time like this. When I quit my pain meds, I was going through a rather difficult time with my wife. I wanted to use every minute of everyday because it would make the pain go away. You have to understand that my wife and I have had an incredible and intensely great marriage for over a decade. So good, that we had never ever had a fight of any kind. We NEVER said ANYTHING we couldn't take back either.
Sure, there were times that we were upset with each other but we have so much respect for each other that we would always recognize when we were near the boiling point and we would both retreat to a neutral corner under we cooled off.
As I've stated in many previous posts, One of my biggest reasons for quitting was for my wife and my marriage. What I haven't acknowledged is the biggest reason for quitting was the fact that my wife lost so much respect for me when I admitted I had a problem with my pain medications. She was very disappointed in me. That was huge for me because I had always been her rock. Now that I have that gotten that out, let me discuss your situation from my vantage point.
Yo mentioned that your marriage is strained and you're having such a bad time mentally.
First off... You have to understand something EXTREMELY important. You are only 14 days out. You brain is undergoing an enormous change. It is trying to heal the damage you did to it by consuming large quantities of drugs for so many years.
Your brain is no longer producing its own feel good chemicals.
Because you are going through this transition time of healing, every little thing you go through is magnified by 100! Every little pain you have is also magnified by 10-20 times. Tell me if I'm wrong here but I imagine that you can't even physically smile right now. Am I right? It's as if your face is locked as if you took botox and you have this "frozen face".
If I'm right... That's because, once again, your brain is healing... Once it begins making it's own chemicals, you'll notice that you're going to begin cracking little smiles. When you do, you'll know it! When this happens, you'll know your brain is beginning to start working right again.
OK, I addresses the fact that you're undergoing a major healing process. This is going to take some time. Now, I will give you a few suggestions that will help you with this.
Be sure to eat lots of bananas and eggs. The bananas will help you get potassium to you muscles. This will help with the muscles aches and cramps. Eggs will help you get the protien your body AND you mind needs right now. The other benefit to the eggs is the fact that eggs contains the nutrients that your body metabolizes into Dopamine, serotonin, etc - all the chemicals needed to make you feel and sleep better, and allow you to make good decisions, etc.
I'd like to suggest a few things that will help you through the process of getting clean.
First and foremost is good nutrition! The better you eat, the better your brain will heal.
This means cutting out all processed foods and completely swearing off junk and fast food! People have no idea just how many chemicals are added to the fast food they eat. Preservatives, dyes, etc, NOT TO MENTION the fact that the nutritional value is almost non-existant. All your getting is bad calories and chemicals... ALONG with horrible stuff like formaldehyde!
Processed sugar and high cabs in junk food wreaks havoc with your mood! You get the carb high then a an hour later you come down from it and then you get tired and even depressed.
The fact that junk and fast food is horrible for you is compounded by the fact that you
are going through the W/D and healing process. This is because at this this critical time, your brain is SCREAMING at you for anything that makes you feel better. Ironically, junk and fast food is in many ways like your old DOC. You know it's bad for you but it makes you feel better. And just like your old DOC, after you've ingested it you feel good for just a little bit but then, an hour or two later you feel wiped out and tired.
The next most important thing you can do is exercise. zThis is the tough one for someone going through the whole detox process. The extreme lethargy everyone experiences is the WORSE! You have to FORCE yourself to get up and do the exercise. It is almost torture to walk a mile or two when your body feels like it has mud running through its veins. But, the fact is you CAN do this!
Not only will the exercise help your muscles but it also helps your mind!
When I first started going to the gym in January, I HATED every minute of it for the first week. I was always sore, and my back hurt.
However, after the first 8-10 days of daily exercise, I began to notice a few changes.
I slept better, I no longer had any RLS, my appetite improved, and my pants were a little looser.
After week 3, I was walking 4 miles a day and I was even able to do 25-30 minutes on an elliptical machine! I was like, Holy Cow! I'm actually doing this! Of course, every time I went to the gym, I treated myself to a 15 minute soak in the Jacuzzi. I made that my reward for working out. By week 6, I no longer felt all the bad body pains and my muscles were much more limber through all twice daily stretching.
The biggest thing I want you to understand that right now, it is very hard for you "feel good" because as I've said... Your brain IS healing. It's going to take a little time but I will guarantee you that you will no only start feeling better but as time goes on you will be better able to cope with things.
Something very important to remember is... Sobriety is all about dealing with the things that are thrown at you on a daily basis and dealing with them head on. There is no more "take a pill and deal with it later". This is your time to face the world and tackle it head on.
DO NOT worry about the "what ifs" and "what might happen". During this transition, do not worry about the "what ifs" and the "what might happen". You must think in terms of what do I do right now.
If you focus on the right now, you will succeed. It's when you wear yourself out over the fear of the future is when you set yourself up for fail.
I want to share something VERY profound with you. This little gem has helped me proudly over the past couple of months:
No fear in the now. [VIDEO]
By the way, I am VERY proud of you for getting where you are now. I understand that life is tough and life always tends to kick you when your down. However, you have shown great strength in your battle for your future. You are stronger than you think you are and you have proven that you are indeed strong.
Just think, you've already accomplished so much in so little time. While your battle is in the early stages, you've already proven to yourself that you are strong and you can succeed in reclaiming the rest of your life and future.
You are awesome and don't you forget it!
First off I want to commend you greatly for quitting. I do understand first hand how difficult it is to quit at a time like this. When I quit my pain meds, I was going through a rather difficult time with my wife. I wanted to use every minute of everyday because it would make the pain go away. You have to understand that my wife and I have had an incredible and intensely great marriage for over a decade. So good, that we had never ever had a fight of any kind. We NEVER said ANYTHING we couldn't take back either.
Sure, there were times that we were upset with each other but we have so much respect for each other that we would always recognize when we were near the boiling point and we would both retreat to a neutral corner under we cooled off.
As I've stated in many previous posts, One of my biggest reasons for quitting was for my wife and my marriage. What I haven't acknowledged is the biggest reason for quitting was the fact that my wife lost so much respect for me when I admitted I had a problem with my pain medications. She was very disappointed in me. That was huge for me because I had always been her rock. Now that I have that gotten that out, let me discuss your situation from my vantage point.
Yo mentioned that your marriage is strained and you're having such a bad time mentally.
First off... You have to understand something EXTREMELY important. You are only 14 days out. You brain is undergoing an enormous change. It is trying to heal the damage you did to it by consuming large quantities of drugs for so many years.
Your brain is no longer producing its own feel good chemicals.
Because you are going through this transition time of healing, every little thing you go through is magnified by 100! Every little pain you have is also magnified by 10-20 times. Tell me if I'm wrong here but I imagine that you can't even physically smile right now. Am I right? It's as if your face is locked as if you took botox and you have this "frozen face".
If I'm right... That's because, once again, your brain is healing... Once it begins making it's own chemicals, you'll notice that you're going to begin cracking little smiles. When you do, you'll know it! When this happens, you'll know your brain is beginning to start working right again.
OK, I addresses the fact that you're undergoing a major healing process. This is going to take some time. Now, I will give you a few suggestions that will help you with this.
Be sure to eat lots of bananas and eggs. The bananas will help you get potassium to you muscles. This will help with the muscles aches and cramps. Eggs will help you get the protien your body AND you mind needs right now. The other benefit to the eggs is the fact that eggs contains the nutrients that your body metabolizes into Dopamine, serotonin, etc - all the chemicals needed to make you feel and sleep better, and allow you to make good decisions, etc.
I'd like to suggest a few things that will help you through the process of getting clean.
First and foremost is good nutrition! The better you eat, the better your brain will heal.
This means cutting out all processed foods and completely swearing off junk and fast food! People have no idea just how many chemicals are added to the fast food they eat. Preservatives, dyes, etc, NOT TO MENTION the fact that the nutritional value is almost non-existant. All your getting is bad calories and chemicals... ALONG with horrible stuff like formaldehyde!
Processed sugar and high cabs in junk food wreaks havoc with your mood! You get the carb high then a an hour later you come down from it and then you get tired and even depressed.
The fact that junk and fast food is horrible for you is compounded by the fact that you
are going through the W/D and healing process. This is because at this this critical time, your brain is SCREAMING at you for anything that makes you feel better. Ironically, junk and fast food is in many ways like your old DOC. You know it's bad for you but it makes you feel better. And just like your old DOC, after you've ingested it you feel good for just a little bit but then, an hour or two later you feel wiped out and tired.
The next most important thing you can do is exercise. zThis is the tough one for someone going through the whole detox process. The extreme lethargy everyone experiences is the WORSE! You have to FORCE yourself to get up and do the exercise. It is almost torture to walk a mile or two when your body feels like it has mud running through its veins. But, the fact is you CAN do this!
Not only will the exercise help your muscles but it also helps your mind!
When I first started going to the gym in January, I HATED every minute of it for the first week. I was always sore, and my back hurt.
However, after the first 8-10 days of daily exercise, I began to notice a few changes.
I slept better, I no longer had any RLS, my appetite improved, and my pants were a little looser.
After week 3, I was walking 4 miles a day and I was even able to do 25-30 minutes on an elliptical machine! I was like, Holy Cow! I'm actually doing this! Of course, every time I went to the gym, I treated myself to a 15 minute soak in the Jacuzzi. I made that my reward for working out. By week 6, I no longer felt all the bad body pains and my muscles were much more limber through all twice daily stretching.
The biggest thing I want you to understand that right now, it is very hard for you "feel good" because as I've said... Your brain IS healing. It's going to take a little time but I will guarantee you that you will no only start feeling better but as time goes on you will be better able to cope with things.
Something very important to remember is... Sobriety is all about dealing with the things that are thrown at you on a daily basis and dealing with them head on. There is no more "take a pill and deal with it later". This is your time to face the world and tackle it head on.
DO NOT worry about the "what ifs" and "what might happen". During this transition, do not worry about the "what ifs" and the "what might happen". You must think in terms of what do I do right now.
If you focus on the right now, you will succeed. It's when you wear yourself out over the fear of the future is when you set yourself up for fail.
I want to share something VERY profound with you. This little gem has helped me proudly over the past couple of months:
No fear in the now. [VIDEO]
By the way, I am VERY proud of you for getting where you are now. I understand that life is tough and life always tends to kick you when your down. However, you have shown great strength in your battle for your future. You are stronger than you think you are and you have proven that you are indeed strong.
Just think, you've already accomplished so much in so little time. While your battle is in the early stages, you've already proven to yourself that you are strong and you can succeed in reclaiming the rest of your life and future.
You are awesome and don't you forget it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 32
Thank you all so much from the bottom of my flawed-but-humble heart. I would say you have no idea how much your words of support mean to me, but I believe you DO know.
I guess it makes sense that my life had become unmanageable, which (in part) prompted me to take steps toward sobriety. At the very least I am managing my troubles (fumbling, shuffling, and muttering at times) with the clarity that percocet would not afford me.
A special thank you for the interesting and helpful links as well as the incredible wealth of information which seems to be exactly what I need right now. It is an amazing feeling to be heard and understood....it brings grateful tears to my eyes. And oh, how wonderful to not be numb anymore!
I guess it makes sense that my life had become unmanageable, which (in part) prompted me to take steps toward sobriety. At the very least I am managing my troubles (fumbling, shuffling, and muttering at times) with the clarity that percocet would not afford me.
A special thank you for the interesting and helpful links as well as the incredible wealth of information which seems to be exactly what I need right now. It is an amazing feeling to be heard and understood....it brings grateful tears to my eyes. And oh, how wonderful to not be numb anymore!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 16
Your post was just what I needed to read right now. I am in a similar situation with stressful family issues and I have also recently quit opiate pain pills after a year and a half of moderate use. It's day three for me and my depression and anxiety are the worst it's been. Drugs were my rock, my relief, my hope, and what defined me. I have chosen to quit during easily one of the most heartbreaking, stressful, difficult times for me in my life and have, like you, found my mind telling me that it would be so much easier to use and be the person I was on drugs. Charismatic, empathic, stress-free, and happy about just being alive. It would be easy to pop a few pills and get the instant gratification, but it's only going to hurt more in the future.
I've heard over and over again that you can't expect life to get better immediately in early sobriety. It's easier to stay clean than it is to get clean. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from using is remembering all the sober people I saw in meetings who were SO grateful to be sober and were actually living their lives, and finding enjoyment in things that mattered. I want what they have so bad, and know anyone can achieve it no matter the circumstances. I couldn't believe all the people in meetings with sobriety who said things like "if you told me two years ago I'd be sober today and happier than I've ever been, I'd think you were crazy". That's how I feel right now, and you may be too. Just remember it will get better, maybe not right away, maybe not as soon as you want, but it will get better and it will be worth it.
Good luck to you. And congratulations on your sobriety and desire to better yourself. That is an admirable decision you've made and I look up to you.
I've heard over and over again that you can't expect life to get better immediately in early sobriety. It's easier to stay clean than it is to get clean. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from using is remembering all the sober people I saw in meetings who were SO grateful to be sober and were actually living their lives, and finding enjoyment in things that mattered. I want what they have so bad, and know anyone can achieve it no matter the circumstances. I couldn't believe all the people in meetings with sobriety who said things like "if you told me two years ago I'd be sober today and happier than I've ever been, I'd think you were crazy". That's how I feel right now, and you may be too. Just remember it will get better, maybe not right away, maybe not as soon as you want, but it will get better and it will be worth it.
Good luck to you. And congratulations on your sobriety and desire to better yourself. That is an admirable decision you've made and I look up to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
I think we all felt when we were using that our DOC was our best friend, completed us, made us a better person etc, but that is all a lie. It depleted who we are, stole our smiles, our laughter, made us do things we wouldn't usually do, act irrational and the list continues. The hardest part of the addiction is my eyes is quitting it. Well and when I would run out of my pills, that part was also hard. I promise all of you, we are so much better off being clean. Whether it is clean eating, clean from out DOC, or having a clean house, life is better clean. With clear heads we are not acting irrational and we can think things through. This is very true. Hang in there all of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 32
I'm hoping someone can shed a little insight into an experience yesterday....
It was an exceptionally good day: My physical energy was up, my mental outlook was much, much improved. I felt grounded and hopeful and truly enjoyed all aspects of my job, which I love.
At home it was more of the same: calm, focused and - shockingly - a sense of long-forgotten real happiness.
And then my gut started to really ache. I began to sweat and got a mild case of the shakes. My heart seemed to be racing too. It's been more than 2 weeks since I last used and even in the first 5 or 6 days after I quit I didn't feel this bad. It subsided within 45 minutes or so (and truthfully the very worst of it was about 10 minutes long) and I was able to sleep well with the help of an OTC sleep aid.
Is it possible I'm still going to have severe physical withdrawal symptoms even after evidence of "turning a corner" in other areas? I'll add that I do exercise every day and I eat really well. (I'm in a specific health care field that demands that I do those things. Irony is alive and well in this addict!)
Thanks again for such tremendous support.....
It was an exceptionally good day: My physical energy was up, my mental outlook was much, much improved. I felt grounded and hopeful and truly enjoyed all aspects of my job, which I love.
At home it was more of the same: calm, focused and - shockingly - a sense of long-forgotten real happiness.
And then my gut started to really ache. I began to sweat and got a mild case of the shakes. My heart seemed to be racing too. It's been more than 2 weeks since I last used and even in the first 5 or 6 days after I quit I didn't feel this bad. It subsided within 45 minutes or so (and truthfully the very worst of it was about 10 minutes long) and I was able to sleep well with the help of an OTC sleep aid.
Is it possible I'm still going to have severe physical withdrawal symptoms even after evidence of "turning a corner" in other areas? I'll add that I do exercise every day and I eat really well. (I'm in a specific health care field that demands that I do those things. Irony is alive and well in this addict!)
Thanks again for such tremendous support.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
I am not a DR, and we are not meant to give advice, but I can tell you at 42 days I still have these random cases of what feels like withdrawals. I will go days with feeling great, then a day like today I was cranky, and my body ached. I kept smelling that pills smell, tha I would get when I was detoxing before. Even walking around the store earlier I was getting angry, thinking how the heck could I smell that smell or feel so lethargic after this many days, then my smart mind reminded myself of how many years and how much of the pills I was taking. I went for a long time never missing a day of 5 or 6 30mg percocet, or if I had the less mg, I would take 30 to 40 a day. That is a long time of being on a substance, so of course it will take some time. I have also heard about Post withdrawal syndrome, and know that could take place. (I don't like to read into that or believe it, as I just want to move forward). I am glad you are realizing the happy moments, they will come more and more as long as you let them!
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