misstheoldme

Oh where do I start? I will give you all the shortened version of what I call my love affair with pills. I was diagnosed with chronic pain (Fibromyalgia) 6 years ago and was prescribed Tramadol for pain, Ambien to sleep plus some other non addictive medications. For the first two years I followed the guidelines taking them and didn't have any problems. Then a harsh breakup (long story) set me off into the deepend. I started taking more Tramadol than I should per day and more than I should at one time, I also was taking 2-3 ambien to sleep. I take about 15 tramadol per day now, was taking ambien all day until I ran out...amazingly I threw my prescription down the toilet last week when I got it filled after one day of realizing the stuff makes you do some crazy stuff you can't remember. I also suffer from migraines so I saw my doctor this week and because I cannot take triptan type meds, I was prescribed fioricet. Well of course I have been high all week on that combined with the tramadol. I am almost out of the fioricet. One more days worth. I can't keep doing this. I used to be the girl with a busy social life and now I sit home on the weekends higher than a kite. I have a lot to live for....thankfully I somehow completed college with a 4.0 in the early years of this, got a job, got a house, and recently went on weight watchers lost 80 lbs, and have worked out religiously for almost two years. I just got a promotion at work, yet I keep doing this destructiveness. Eventually it's going to sneak up do a ton of havoc...it already has really. I am emotionally fragile, Im 33 and would love to have a significant other but on the pills I really don't care and just sit on my couch on the weekends, work out, and end up in a stupor.

I don't know if a lot of this stems from both my brothers having drug addictions and passing away when I was 16 and 18 of Heroin and morphine patch overdoses. Maybe I haven't even dealt with it yet. I am afraid to love, let myself love anyone (except my dog and my father). I push any one who gets in a loving relationship away from me because "I know they are going to leave me". I have been to counseling but I always stop going. I do have friends and they don't know about my issues at all. They don't call as much, but I am lucky I have them still. Ugh! tomorrow I want to start weaning myself off the tramadol, and fioricet. I can't do this anymore...can't, can't, can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to walk outside, feel the sun on my face and know that my joy is real instead of from being high. Please, anyone who can give me some encouragement....I welcome all replies

sophiamarie2007

Hi misstheoldme-Your story sounds somewhat similiar to mine. I was addicted to tramadol, vicodin, ambien and many other narcotic pills for twelve years. I had a good life before ever getting addicted, graduating from graduate school, good job, bought a home, etc. I didn't lose everything because of my addiction, but I came extremely close to it. What helped me is remembering how I was before I ever got addicted. I wanted that girl back-I tried many times to quit and relapsed over and over. I would blow through a month long prescription in less than a week then suffer through withdrawls, only to start right back up as soon as the prescription was due. I was taking over 12 different kinds of pills and never thought I would get off of all of them. It's been over a month now that I have been completely off of all pills. Even when I would get clean from vicodin or tramadol or ambien-I always took amphetamines and benzo's as a substitute. I weaned myself off of the tramadol over several weeks. You should talk to your doctor about weaning you off of the ambien. Just know that this can be done and I feel better now than I have in years. Keep posting on here-it will get better!

keepfinding2

Hello,

Wishing you the best of luck with this. I can only imagine that you might be a little stressed right now. Quitting is a hard thing today. Please don't worry too much about your brothers' cases. "Addiction" is not hereditary.

Pandie

Welcome to SR Misstheoldme. There is a lot of support and love here. I think it would be wise to try therapy again to help deal with the losses of your brothers. It can take a while to find a good "fit". I know what you're saying about your friends not knowing about your drug abuse. The only ones who know about mine are the people here at SR and my therapist. I read somewhere that "we are as sick as our secrets", and that soooo rings true for me. Have you tried NA/AA/OA? I go to OA and only mentioned it b/c of your weight loss, GREAT JOB on losing 80 lbs BTW!! That is amazing! You can do this, you are not alone.

~Pandie

misstheoldme

Today didn't go as planned with the Tramadol, I still had the Fioricet and of course I took the rest of it. It's gone, done, and I am not shedding a tear. It's evil, evil, evil. It totally impairs my judgement. I took more tramadol than planned with the Fioricet, not making excuses but I was in a haze and had no judgement whatsoever on the Fioricet. I stopped the ambien last Monday when I threw it down the toilet so the worst of that is over....that was beyond bad...I was lower than low for a few days. found a few sites that have very slow taper schedules online. I take about 15 per day, so I am going to do 14 for a week starting tomorrow...than 13 the next and so on. I have been thru withdrawl do to not having pills a few times and every time I end up going back. You would think the hell of withdrawl would send you packing on your addiction...yeah right. Just makes you want to cover up the sickness you are feeling with a dose of what you are missing. @ Sophia Marie ---You are an inspiration to me...I cannot wait to say that I am at a month. One day just seems like a century to me. Thank you Pandie and keepfinding...I will be on here a lot...it helps so much to know others have been thru it and can succeed at it: Keep you updated my friends

RubyRose

Hi Misstheoldme, I have been in recovery from a painkiller and oxycontin addiction of many years. I am now clean 2 yrs 9 mo. It is really, really hard to quit, I know! I finally got sick of myself and my selfishness. All I cared about was my pills, especially towards the end. It stopped me from doing so many things that I wanted to do, (it's hard to travel or do much of anything when the drugstore is your place of worship!)

Now I can go anywhere I want without a concern and my own natural endorphins make me a happy person - And I AM happy, happier than I've been in many years, I look forward to my life not my pills. It's a great feeling.

I stopped with my Dr's. help. No matter the way you quit I think a knowledgeable Dr. should be on your side, by your side. NA meetings are a great way to help stay in recovery and meet people you can be open with in person. And here on SR is where I go to talk and help and feel "the love".

The biggest thing I learned here was that I am not a bad person. I have a bad addiction, but I don't have to be my addiction. I'm a good person and now after almost 3 years clean, a very happy person.

You can do it too. Take care.

...Ruby...

misstheoldme

Thank you so much Ruby....I agree with you, I don't have to be my addiction.....I yearn to be the girl I used to be ...and I want to have clarity instead of living in a haze. There are so many things I want to do and know that I can do. I just keep putting them off because I am on these pills. I have beat this...I know I can do it...I just have to have the strength and mindset that I am 100% worth giving myself the best gift I could ever give myself. I am starting to feel nasty and restless from fioricet withdrawl...It's time for a hot bath and bed (If I can sleep). Tomorrow starts the tramadol taper....I will be at work all day so at least my mind will be somewhat occupied

finaltime

Ruby, first I am very proud of you for getting on SR, you will find this place will be your saving grace durin your very hard times. I know how you feel like one day is an eternity right now, and I know exactly how you feel. That will also pass. I am at 41 days today, but that came with a hefty hefty price. I am also 33, and my rock bottom hit this summer when I took out my entire retirement and spent it!!!!! 38,000 hard earned dollars gone in less then 2 months..so stop before it gets like me! Of course all that money wasn't on pills, but a lot was, and a lot went to paying people back.
Can you please try and get some other support? Doing this on your own is almost impossible, as addicts it is really tough to beat this alone. I tried for 5 years, and even when I was caught stealing from family I didn't want to quit! You seem like you are ready for this, please keep us posted.

steven71

I was on tramadol for a few months, doctor told me they were not addictive, not true! I was not able to get ahold of any hydro/oxycodone during that time period but the tramadol basically took care of my withdrawals and gave me a little buzz. My brother was hooked on tramadol for a long time, he went through some pretty nasty withdrawals (cold turkey) before he was finally able to give them up. I think it's great that you're coming here for support, and congratulations on your decision to quit using! I abused ambien for a number of years, getting to the point where I could take 30 mg and stay up all night, basically just using them for the buzz.

Pills have pretty much controled my life for the better part of the 21st century. I am in the same position you are, doing a really fast taper of my pain pills and attempting to get clean all together.

RubyRose

Hi Icandoit, I think you meant the post for Misstheoldme but either way you make good points. Congrats on 41 days - everyday is a milestone right now. And if that gets too hard go down to hours. And I really agree with getting professional support, especially to w/d. A good support system makes every day seem a bit easier. SR has helped me immensely to stay clean for almost 3 years now. It can be done!

...Ruby...

misstheoldme

Update on today. Well today I was in the nastiest mood ever from the Fioricet withdrawl....jittery and wanting the workday to be over. I had to leave to go to the drugstore and get stuff for massive heartburn and stomach upset I did manage to come home and do a 40 min. workout video to get some stress out...it helped tremendously. If anything is my savior in this journey it will be exercise. Icandoit-I am calling my insurance provider tomorrow about a therapist Steve- I was truly a mess on the ambien, I would do stuff and not remember it, fall and bruise myself, take it at work and nod off...it was bad. The withdrawl last week was horrible, I felt like I was in a dark hole and never going to climb out. That is great you are taking the steps to do a taper off pills too. It's a hard thing to do and very hard to finally say enough is enough. I agree Tramadol is addictive, it's taken hold of me and has had me by the arm for 6 years. I hope we all can do this! It's hard but we have to love ourselves enough to do so!

micealc

You can do this ......Looking back for what its worth....It all happened for me in Childhood.
My Mother was A Tranqualiser Addict...Dad Loved his Drink.
I ended up needing to do the same to Survive.

I between....Long Story.

Today ....Im clean and Sober....Many Years
I use 12 Step Meetings....AA Mostly
I also attend ACA....This Fellowship Teaches me to RE PARENT MYSELF....Cheers

micealc

My Reply.....Copied from another Tread Im Following...


I tapered of my Benzos over a period of time....I attended a Doctor while doing this.
He was very understanding.....It was not easy.
If I had to do it again I would advise myself to Attend ACA.
I have descovered that most of my Fears/Anxieties/problems were rooted in my Past and Family of Origon.

If you read the ACA Problem,and Traits...It might Trigger Something in you.
Its worth a try.........
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

Good luck to ye Both...We will be Here
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