Threshold

I relapsed recently. My reaction to it sort of surprises me. I haven't gone on any wild benders or anything, so that might be part of it, but still.

I'd been working my butt off on my recovery. Truly and honestly...the fact that yet again, all my efforts seem to avail me nothing is the hardest part.

And relapse is just a symptom, or that is how it feels. My mental illness issues have been around for decades before I picked up a drink or a drug. And I've been addressing my mental illness with all the suggested and appropriate methods, just like I have recovery...yet here I am again

And I keep having the "well, if you do the same things, you'll get the same results" tossed at me, but I wasn't doing the same thing. I was doing new things, new meds, new dr (and she is really good), putting my all into recovery. Yet, here I am again.

I feel sort of numb about the relapse. I've not really gotten much response about it from anyone. There is a deep disappointment and sadness that neither the psych approach or the recovery approach seemed to help. I thought that in tandem, I would make some real, honest, lasting headway.

Now there is just a growing sense of hopelessness.

I hold no delusions that drinking will help or change anything. Cutting truly does offer some temporary relief. I have no access to Rx drugs and am not going to risk doing anything illegal to get them. So that's where I am. Ha Ha, even going on a bender seems pointless...that's a good thing eh?

So I was wondering how others here felt or reacted after a relapse.

I feel more isolated. Like I'm not worth putting effort into, either by myself or by others.

Luweez

I don't have relapse experience to share but can relate to some degree... Nothing in my life has gotten better or easier since I started recovery and I too share the sense of hopelessness. I get by each day knowing that it could be worse even if it's not better (yet). I know it's not much, but it's what I am holding on to. But I can say for certain that you are most definitely worth putting the effort into

Threshold

Luweez,

thank you. Just knowing that my feelings are not "unique" is a help. Sometimes here, I just feel like I'm just not doing it right because so many have found a total life turn around once they got clean and sober.

I feel like a failure, and certainly not worth their time and energy to support. I mean, what's the matter with ME that I don't get it, that I won't work the perfect program that will ensure my success?

I was working my program to the best of my ability, and now this. I have tried to be supportive in my threads, but I don't feel I have anything to offer anymore.

I mean, I have NOT gone on a bender. I wouldn't say I've "gone back out" as they say in 12 step. I'm not ditching what I've learned in recovery, but I've clearly failed. I've missed some key things somewhere.

When I was using, I could blame my lack of ability to deal with life, on my substance abuse, but what's my excuse when I am clean? I still can't deal. That's scary to me. It doesn't make me want to drink really, it just makes me want to give up on everything.

Should I not post like this here? If I can't be upbeat and positive should I just shut up so I don't bring others down? I truly don't know anymore.

Luweez

I hear you. I have repeatedly wondered why some threads get a hundred responses and others just a few whether they are positive or not. Am I not needy enough?, posting wrong?, people don't see my addiction as serious?, not asking enough questions?
I post little because of that and mostly because of the uncomfortable and rude responses that I have seen directed towards others reaching out. I now just read thru new posts and don't focus solely on substance abuse forum as most forums/threads could apply to me in some way.
I can't deal either and it's very hard when you think you are making the right decision (getting clean) and little has changed. In some areas of my life, things have gotten worse...my relationship actually
You definitely should keep posting like this. You've helped me feel not so alone in my struggles I'm not the only one that is missing something and I think it shows that though you haven't gotten "there" yet, you haven't given up.. Recovery isnt about stopping and life being marvelous.. It's about us learning how to deal with the things that we didn't deal with while using.
So thank you, thank you, thank you for being braver than I and starting this thread. You have made a difference in one life today. We can support each other

PaperDolls

I remember feeling numb about my relapses. Like I was just resigned to the fact that this is how it's gonna be. I think I was partially using that as an excuse.

As far as a total life turnaround .... I wouldn't call it that exactly. Is my life different, better? Yes. But I think mostly what's changed is my thinking and my ability to see the bad thinking behaviors coming up before I act on them.

When I first came here, I was pretty much a wreck (I recently looked back at my old posts). I'm amazing at what I read from back then and I'm grateful I was able to turn things around.

I had some mental issues (depression and anxiety) that I had to deal with as well. Until recently, I've been on meds for it. I tried going off at one point in my sobriety, with the docs help of course, and it didn't turn out great. Many alcoholics have some mental health stuff going on as well as their alcoholism.... some people are able to get relief from those issues once they quit drinking and get some support, others are not. I know I'm not "less than" because I needed my meds. It is what it is.

As far as no access to RX .... if your doc recommends them, is there a program in your area that could help you with that?

Don't focus on what you did "wrong" just keep focusing on what you were doing right and double your efforts there. And if you're like me, don't think too much. It gets me into trouble.

Luweez

P.s... Interesting
That we both have the same pic !

PaperDolls

Interesting .... and confusing for an easily confused girl like me.

Luweez

Confused me initially as well :-D

Threshold

Thanks PD. I once felt resigned too. But over time in recovery, I truly believed I had moved beyond that. I thought as deeply as possible that THIS time was IT. I was not going back there no how, no way.

I was doing so much differently this time, so this is a real blow for me. I truly feel like I don't know where to turn next.

I think the bottom line is acceptance. There is a part of me that is not yet able to accept that this is my life, my mental situation etc. I DO project ahead, rather than stay in the moment and the future terrifies me.

I don't want to accept the truth of my mental illness, and what goes along with that. I want there to be another loophole etc.

In a real sense, yes I AM using it as an excuse to drink (etc), because...well, why not? If I don't care enough to stay stopped, then I don't stay stopped. I don't know how to make myself care. That is what I mean about the numbness.

I look at my situation and think "pffft...another one bites the dust...another loser who hasn't got what it takes"

What keeps you motivated?

Threshold

Luweez, hugs...I think it's nice that we chose the same profile pic!

I'm glad my post is helping you, I feel like I am thinking outloud, and it's awesome if others can help me fill in the empty places or give me a nudge when I get stuck.

I am all kind of stuck right now.

PaperDolls

Honestly what keeps me motivated is how much better my life is..... and when I say that I think I mean my brain. My thinking isn't so screwy any more. Don't get me wrong, I have my days.

I'm also not depressed any more ..... I had to get off my meds because of my pregnancy and I was scared, still am some days, but it's gone well so far. I guess I realize now how much the alcohol was contributing to my deprssion and anxiety.

I'm actually happy for the first time in a really, really long time ... and i know it's not just because I put the drink down. If I remember right, you don't do the AA thing, but that's what worked for me. It's just all about working on yourself, however you choose to do that.....I'd say do what you were doing that was working and then add something else.

What about the meds? Can you make that work if that's what a doctor recommends?

Threshold

PD,
I AM on meds for bipolar, have been ever since I got into recovery. I do NA. Pills were a bigger issue than drinking so that is the fellowship I went to when I first got clean.

My meds were altered, or rather adjusted and added to last May after an overdose/suicide attempt. I was clean after that and started the steps over for the third time. I was moving through them, with real effort and thoroughness when this latest...not sure what to call it..crisis?...came up, and bam, here I am again, at least as far as mental states go.

I can accept that drinking/drugging and my other addictive behaviors are not the answer and only serve to make things worse for me. I think what I am not accepting here is the fact that I have a serious mental illness that isn't going to go away. There are times when I will be debilitated by it. That is terrifying to me, and I want more than anything for it to not be true.

I wanted more than anything for the 12 steps and diligent recovery work to "cure" the mental illness. I wanted it to be the result of my addictive behaviors rather than an underlying issue that led to my addictive behaviors. It is clear that is not the case and I am acting out.

It's really just dawned on me that my not accepting the reality of mental illness and what may/does come with it, is the biggest issue of all for me right now. There are many other things that are distracting me, and that I am hoping are the reason for this crisis, but I am coming to believe that the core issue is my lack of ability to accept this, and cope.

I am not working a good program right now. I was, but as this crisis has deepened it's ground to a halt. And now I am awake in the middle of the night in a chicken/egg dilemma. Am I having a crisis because I stopped working my program or did I stop working my program because I am having a crisis, and how do I work the program when I am in the midst of a mental breakdown and disordered thinking?

My HP isn't going to lift this. Two and a half decades of therapy, meds, recovery programs of various sorts, psych hospitalizations, self help programs, religion and spiritual practice, and it's increasing in severity with age, not "getting better".

I have to accept this. The way I had to accept that I am an addict. The way I had to accept that I am never going to have the childhood I wish I'd had, etc.

I think this acceptance is where I am stuck.

Just like with alcoholism, people around me, in an attempt to be supportive, will tell me "it's not that bad, you're not crazy, everyone feels that way sometimes" etc. And of course I want to believe that. But reality proves otherwise.

Is it negative thinking to "accept" that I have a mental illness and it is not going to go away, any more than it is to accept that I am an addict and it's never going to go away?

People tell me that with my "attitude" of course it won't go away. But can we stop addiction in it's tracks by positive thinking? Can I somehow stop mental illness through positive thinking?

I mean, clearly, on some level I've accepted that I have a mental illness. I would never have sought treatment for it otherwise. But there is a new level of acceptance that I am now faced with. And everything in me is resisting, because I am terrified.

Threshold

It was another tough night, nightmares etc. And this morning reading some threads on SR, many regarding relapse, something hit me...I am not that worried over the fact that I've had a few drinks. I am worried over my mental state. About the underlying issues.

I keep reading others responses to their own relapses, or descriptions of past relapses, and mulling it all over. I am not angry or ashamed, or even defeated because I've relapsed. I am feeling defeated and hopeless because all my efforts at addressing my mental health issues have, seemingly, come to nothing.

There is no doubt that my recovery program has taught me more about myself and is helping me build useful skills in addressing life, and that some areas of my life are running more smoothly due to that.

I don't feel at all as if recovery is a waste of time or effort, but I see my unrealistic expectations, thinking that it could address more than it is there to address.

NA is about the disease of addiction. Not the disease of bi-polar or some of the other things I am dealing with.

I was also reading a thread on the subject of substances being demonized, as if they are always THE issue in the life and behavior of an addict, and that sometimes booze and drugs are NOT the cause. We can be messed up and inappropriate all on our own. There can be other "demons" afoot.

I have heard "in the rooms" very often that "all my stupid decisions were made while I was wasted" and "my worst day sober is better than my best day while I was using"

And I've secretly felt squirmy inside because I don't feel that way.

I am not sure what the point of this morning's ramble is, other than to express, again, my curiosity and concern over relapse and how having one makes us think and feel.

It makes me feel isolated. Like I don't belong here, I'm not quite among the recovered, I'm not really a newcomer, I'm not a properly terrified and chastised shame faced one confessing their failure to work program...I am a semi removed from myself curious observer.

Dissociative...it has it's advantages and it's failings.

PaperDolls

Well, as you know, many people do get relief from their mental illnesses (depending on what they are of course) by working the steps, but not all. It's not a weakness. It just is what it is.

A couple things.

I think you're on to something with the acceptance of your bipolar. Have you considered approaching it using the 12 steps .... just to get to the acceptance part. And then, in stead of thinking, ok, I have to deal with this for the rest of my life, take it a day at a time.

Also, I never did go but I considered it, what about going to a dual diagnosis group in your area if it's available? It can't hurt, right? May be you'll feel less alone. May be you won't hear so many things that make you cringe.

The fact is, for many people in AA and NA, it can sort of be used as a cure all. Some us, not so much. I know the therapy I got, along with my meds, played a huge role in my so far success at staying sober.

And that cycle of depression to relapse to recovery to depression to relapse. I know that well. It's real and baffling. Don't think so much and don't get too much on your plate.

You are not a failure. Quite the opposite. You're seem to be very aware of who you are and are good at evaluating yourself. Now, that can be a dangerous place if you're just sitting there alone thinking. Talk to some people, in the program, your therapist, here.

Get out of your head and quit beating yourself up.

chicory

Threshold,
I just wanted to send my support your way. You truly seem to have a very good understanding of lots of things about recovery, your addiction, your bipolar. I believe that it takes lots of time, lots of experiences, to learn what works for us. No one changes in the same way as another.

I wanted to send a positive thought your way. I have an a son, who hasn't drank in a long while, and when i feel sad that he hasnt even admitted he has a problem, i feel good that his body is recovering from past abuses. Someday i hope he gets to the point of acceptance of his problem with alcohol . but for now, i just rejoice that his brain is healing a little at a time. his body has come a long way in two years.

give yourself permission to recover how ever it happens. you are doing great. i really appreciate your posts, too. just remember, your body is healing even when you dont think much is happening.
sending good thoughts your way,
chicory

Luweez

so very well said PD! Your wisdom is inspiring, in and of itself. Depression and addiction are a tough combo and I am trying to figure out what to tackle first - what is going to make me more successful and at peace with myself.
Keep sharing threshold. You are working through it as you type

NYCDoglvr

I've been treated for depression throughout 20 years of recovery. In my 14th year it got very, very bad to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed. But I've never thought of relapsing because I know it's a life/death situation for me. If I pick up a drink I probably won't be alive very long. The thing is, while I'm sober, things can -- and have -- gotten better. There is hope. But if I don't stay sober, I will get drunk and become even more depressed than I ever could be sober.

I hope things work out for you.

Threshold

Thanks all, I truly and deeply appreciate you all sharing your experience with me.

It was an exhausting day, mostly because I am not sleeping enough of well due to nightmares, so just attending to the day to day wears me out. Then of course is the depression and anxiety on top of that.

People often tell me to stop beating myself up, but I don't know what that means. On the one hand I am told to take responsibility, and work harder, be more positive, try ten new things, and on the other, I am told to not be hard on myself. I have NO idea anymore what I am or am not supposed to do. None. Hence my present feelings of paralysis.

A little back round to shed some light on my present outside circumstances. I live 80 miles from any city that has NA meetings. I earn minimum wage. In two weeks my divorce becomes final. My husband is divorcing me after 27 years because he can't deal any more with my mental illness. He told me this when I was away on a 6 month job, 2000 miles away "don't come home"

So I now live in a 12 ft by 16 ft room, away from family, friends, pets, community etc. He lives in our house with my daughter and grandson and the dogs, cats etc. He is a college professor with a comfortable income.

He does not support me financially and is saying he will not pay alimony etc.

I have to use all my earned vacation time and all the money I've managed to save to pay for my divorce lawyer, travel expenses and time to travel across country for this divorce.

I am paying off hospital bills from last year when I overdosed in a suicide attempt. The hospital has been threatening to send my account to a collection agency, even though I've made every payment on time. They said yes I DID do that, but someone on their end misapplied my payments to another account...and they don't know where the money went.

And now my mental illness has reared up pretty ugly, and I am plain and simple terrified.

I look at my room, my life, the way I spend my off work time, the thoughts in my head and I am terrified.

And if you want the truth, and a number of my friends and family think this IS the case, my husband has been dragging out the divorce and refusing to settle because he thinks if he holds out long enough, stresses me out long enough, I'll commit suicide and he will get everything.

I never told my husband or my kids why I was hospitalized last year, and they never asked. I was not going to even let them know, but my husband found out due to some insurance papers being mailed to the house and my sister said that my children (adults) should at least be informed I was in the hospital, even if I did not give them details about why.

I've put on my big girl pants these last two years. I've kept up my responsibilities, job, bills, etc. I have not involved my kids in any way in the divorce or any involved issues. I missed my son's college graduation because I could not afford to travel there, and my husband said it was too bad I couldn't be there, but would not help me cover expenses.

I am not sure now, where my big girl pants are supposed to take me. Or what dance I am supposed to do now that I am wearing them.

I'm just terrified. The only thing that seemed to be going right was recovery, and I guess I've messed that up too. I mean, what sort of life is this? When all I am doing is working, saving, living to get a divorce I don't want? To end up alone and impoverished...I missed something somewhere.

Luweez

Oh threshold,
What a whole bunch of awful. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I believe that life is difficult only to teach us how to get to the other side of those struggles. I wish I had more experience to offer but all I can give is as much support as you need and know that there are people rooting for you.

PaperDolls

I'm so sorry you're going through so much crap. It can't be easy. Please just know I'm here to listen any time.

Big girl panties are great but sometimes you just need to lean on some shoulders. My shoulders are here for you.