Recognizing Decisions / Clean Time
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Recognizing Decisions / Clean Time
Was just looking for some insight / opinions....
This weekend marks a monumental decision by my BF. A year ago, he walked away from a world where his soul was being depleted by his IV cocaine use.
He relocated, put himself through detox, suffered severe depression and anxiety. After two months, he relocated again to start a new life; and shortly after is when we met.*
My BF doesn't do NA; but I like the idea of how they give out the tokens to mark milestones.*
So I wanted to do something along those lines for him.
But here's the thing; right before Xmas; he had a one time slip; it was bad and he ended up in the hospital because of an OD. *But we found out that he most likely OD because be had an infection in his heart. *(likely from the IV use)
So here's the thing; before Xmas I bought him this nice watch; and I had the back of it engraved with this quote: *"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same" **
I bought it then, planning to hold it for this weekend. I know he still views this one year mark as a turning point despite the relapse.*
We even decided to make some low key plans for the weekend just to give it a nod, and spend some time together appreciating good things in life.
But now I'm wondering if the sentiment written will remind him too much of the relapse; like a year ago was triumph and the slip was disaster..... Because thats not my intent at all.*
I know this probably sounds like a stupid question, but I just want him to know how proud I am of him, and how much I respect the choice he made.
So any thoughts would be appreciated.*
Thank you
Kel
*
This weekend marks a monumental decision by my BF. A year ago, he walked away from a world where his soul was being depleted by his IV cocaine use.
He relocated, put himself through detox, suffered severe depression and anxiety. After two months, he relocated again to start a new life; and shortly after is when we met.*
My BF doesn't do NA; but I like the idea of how they give out the tokens to mark milestones.*
So I wanted to do something along those lines for him.
But here's the thing; right before Xmas; he had a one time slip; it was bad and he ended up in the hospital because of an OD. *But we found out that he most likely OD because be had an infection in his heart. *(likely from the IV use)
So here's the thing; before Xmas I bought him this nice watch; and I had the back of it engraved with this quote: *"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same" **
I bought it then, planning to hold it for this weekend. I know he still views this one year mark as a turning point despite the relapse.*
We even decided to make some low key plans for the weekend just to give it a nod, and spend some time together appreciating good things in life.
But now I'm wondering if the sentiment written will remind him too much of the relapse; like a year ago was triumph and the slip was disaster..... Because thats not my intent at all.*
I know this probably sounds like a stupid question, but I just want him to know how proud I am of him, and how much I respect the choice he made.
So any thoughts would be appreciated.*
Thank you
Kel
*
I Am Burning ; I Will Rise
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 286
I think it sounds like a really nice gesture. And the reality is that "slip up" is part of his recovery, part of the battle...it happens. But it was a disaster, just as you explained, he ended up in the hospital and could've died......THAT should be a good reminder to him to keep fighting and not go back to that ever again. He's got an awesome girl and a promising future, I think it's a great quote for him, personally.
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Originally Posted by Lily 
Believe me, he knows he relapsed. I really think it is a very nice gesture and I would do it!
That's all you can do - never give up.
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I agree; I think it would be a nice gesure and yes he does already know he relapsed and all that but sometimes, those reminders are not bad things. They can act as things that remind us how far we've come and why we don't ever want to be back there again.
Example from my own life: I needed a new car after my last one got stolen, so I bought my first brand new off-the-lot car right after I started suboxone treatment for my opiate addiction, and thought I was doing well.
I got ahead of myself and thought I could use "just once" which turned into more than once of course, and promptly fell off the wagon flat on my face. One night on the way home I found myself in a state of unexpected WD feeling sick because I had run out and rather than stop, I kept going just to get home and in the process, I dinged a garbage can that was in the gutter, slightly denting my brand new car fender. I knew I had hit it, but didn't think it left a dent until I got out and looked.
I was upset, ashamed, embarrased, pissed off and everything else you can imagine over how stupid and arrogant I was and what happened because of it. However, to this day I still have not fixed that fender and it's been almost a year. Why? Because every time I see it, it reminds me of the fact that I'm not in that state anymore, I've come a long way and will (God willing) never be back there hitting things and wrecking my stuff because I was stupid and thought I could "control" it. Nope. I learned the hard way that the drugs controlled me, and that was proof. I'm just grateful I didn't get hurt and didn't hurt anyone or anything else. (The garbage can was fine. My dignity and car not so much)
I still don't have plans to get it fixed, because rather than it being a negative experience I couldn't wait to erase, I choose to view it as a positive learning experience and keep it there as a reminder every time I see it, of what not to do and to not to get ahead of myself and think I know it all, that I know best, that I can trust myself, because that is not always the case and that was proof of what happened when I thought as much before I got further in my recovery to realize all this. So, I have to agree with the sentiment that it might be a good reminder, not a bad one in this way. Definitely hit home for me, no pun intended *sorry*
Example from my own life: I needed a new car after my last one got stolen, so I bought my first brand new off-the-lot car right after I started suboxone treatment for my opiate addiction, and thought I was doing well.
I got ahead of myself and thought I could use "just once" which turned into more than once of course, and promptly fell off the wagon flat on my face. One night on the way home I found myself in a state of unexpected WD feeling sick because I had run out and rather than stop, I kept going just to get home and in the process, I dinged a garbage can that was in the gutter, slightly denting my brand new car fender. I knew I had hit it, but didn't think it left a dent until I got out and looked.
I was upset, ashamed, embarrased, pissed off and everything else you can imagine over how stupid and arrogant I was and what happened because of it. However, to this day I still have not fixed that fender and it's been almost a year. Why? Because every time I see it, it reminds me of the fact that I'm not in that state anymore, I've come a long way and will (God willing) never be back there hitting things and wrecking my stuff because I was stupid and thought I could "control" it. Nope. I learned the hard way that the drugs controlled me, and that was proof. I'm just grateful I didn't get hurt and didn't hurt anyone or anything else. (The garbage can was fine. My dignity and car not so much)
I still don't have plans to get it fixed, because rather than it being a negative experience I couldn't wait to erase, I choose to view it as a positive learning experience and keep it there as a reminder every time I see it, of what not to do and to not to get ahead of myself and think I know it all, that I know best, that I can trust myself, because that is not always the case and that was proof of what happened when I thought as much before I got further in my recovery to realize all this. So, I have to agree with the sentiment that it might be a good reminder, not a bad one in this way. Definitely hit home for me, no pun intended *sorry*
Last edited by NoWhereGirl; 03-02-2012 at 04:18 PM. Reason: misspelling/grammar
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Kelly...you have had some great responses. I too am all for giving him the watch. It has got a wonderful meaning and I believe that your boyfriend can relate to it from all different directions. It also stands for moving forward for the both of you. Congratulations to him for all of his sobriety. I understand relapse also because I relapsed right after one year also. I don't know why I did it but never the less it is done. Realized that I am not and never will be a "recreational user". I am no longer beating myself up for it and am learning to let it go and move forward.
Sounds like you to have a great relationship and I hope nothing but the best for you. I am very fortunate to have an awesome husband who has stuck by me through all of my blunders. Pain, forgiveness, love, learning, patience and faith all are a part of recovery. Thank you for sharing and hope everything turns out wonderful for the both of you!
Sounds like you to have a great relationship and I hope nothing but the best for you. I am very fortunate to have an awesome husband who has stuck by me through all of my blunders. Pain, forgiveness, love, learning, patience and faith all are a part of recovery. Thank you for sharing and hope everything turns out wonderful for the both of you!
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Since the title of this thread is 'Recognizing Decisions/Clean Time,' I think I'll pass on the decision whether to give the gift or not......sounds like a nice gift to celebrate recovery though, regardless of clean time.
I'll admit that I haven't read a lot of your posts, so I did do a little checking, and I must admit I did see some 'red flags' (or perhaps just some wee 'pink flags?'), but I just want to address one thing......
Someone earlier in this thread mentioned that relapses/slip-ups are a part of recovery, part of the battle. Relapse is NOT a part of recovery; it IS a part of addiction. We battle addiction, not recovery; there's no battle in/with recovery.
This brings me to a question/worry(?) regarding your BF's views about clean time. I guessing that had your BF not had this past relapse, he would have a year clean this weekend. In you OP, you wrote, ".. .I know he still views this one year mark as a turning point despite the relapse..." I guess my question/worry is does he also consider himself to be a year clean regardless of the relapse? You say he likes NA's use of tokens to mark milestones. With NA, these milestones usually represent continuous clean time (no indluded relapses).
If I might suggest; perhaps you and your BF could consider this gift not as representing clean time (or reaching a milestone), but representing the turning point milestone; the start of a journey.....From my experience, I've found that when folks fudge their clean times [ignore their relapse(s)], they seem to continue that pattern......: a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; well, you get the picture.......
I hope this might have given you some different clarity....something to think about..................Have a great weekend.............
(o:
NoelleR
I'll admit that I haven't read a lot of your posts, so I did do a little checking, and I must admit I did see some 'red flags' (or perhaps just some wee 'pink flags?'), but I just want to address one thing......
Someone earlier in this thread mentioned that relapses/slip-ups are a part of recovery, part of the battle. Relapse is NOT a part of recovery; it IS a part of addiction. We battle addiction, not recovery; there's no battle in/with recovery.
This brings me to a question/worry(?) regarding your BF's views about clean time. I guessing that had your BF not had this past relapse, he would have a year clean this weekend. In you OP, you wrote, ".. .I know he still views this one year mark as a turning point despite the relapse..." I guess my question/worry is does he also consider himself to be a year clean regardless of the relapse? You say he likes NA's use of tokens to mark milestones. With NA, these milestones usually represent continuous clean time (no indluded relapses).
If I might suggest; perhaps you and your BF could consider this gift not as representing clean time (or reaching a milestone), but representing the turning point milestone; the start of a journey.....From my experience, I've found that when folks fudge their clean times [ignore their relapse(s)], they seem to continue that pattern......: a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; well, you get the picture.......
I hope this might have given you some different clarity....something to think about..................Have a great weekend.............
(o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Originally Posted by NoWhereGirl
I agree; I think it would be a nice gesure and yes he does already know he relapsed and all that but sometimes, those reminders are not bad things. They can act as things that remind us how far we've come and why we don't ever want to be back there again.
Example from my own life: I needed a new car after my last one got stolen, so I bought my first brand new off-the-lot car right after I started suboxone treatment for my opiate addiction, and thought I was doing well.
I got ahead of myself and thought I could use "just once" which turned into more than once of course, and promptly fell off the wagon flat on my face. One night on the way home I found myself in a state of unexpected WD feeling sick because I had run out and rather than stop, I kept going just to get home and in the process, I dinged a garbage can that was in the gutter, slightly denting my brand new car fender. I knew I had hit it, but didn't think it left a dent until I got out and looked.
I was upset, ashamed, embarrased, pissed off and everything else you can imagine over how stupid and arrogant I was and what happened because of it. However, to this day I still have not fixed that fender and it's been almost a year. Why? Because every time I see it, it reminds me of the fact that I'm not in that state anymore, I've come a long way and will (God willing) never be back there hitting things and wrecking my stuff because I was stupid and thought I could "control" it. Nope. I learned the hard way that the drugs controlled me, and that was proof. I'm just grateful I didn't get hurt and didn't hurt anyone or anything else. (The garbage can was fine. My dignity and car not so much)
I still don't have plans to get it fixed, because rather than it being a negative experience I couldn't wait to erase, I choose to view it as a positive learning experience and keep it there as a reminder every time I see it, of what not to do and to not to get ahead of myself and think I know it all, that I know best, that I can trust myself, because that is not always the case and that was proof of what happened when I thought as much before I got further in my recovery to realize all this. So, I have to agree with the sentiment that it might be a good reminder, not a bad one in this way. Definitely hit home for me, no pun intended *sorry*
Example from my own life: I needed a new car after my last one got stolen, so I bought my first brand new off-the-lot car right after I started suboxone treatment for my opiate addiction, and thought I was doing well.
I got ahead of myself and thought I could use "just once" which turned into more than once of course, and promptly fell off the wagon flat on my face. One night on the way home I found myself in a state of unexpected WD feeling sick because I had run out and rather than stop, I kept going just to get home and in the process, I dinged a garbage can that was in the gutter, slightly denting my brand new car fender. I knew I had hit it, but didn't think it left a dent until I got out and looked.
I was upset, ashamed, embarrased, pissed off and everything else you can imagine over how stupid and arrogant I was and what happened because of it. However, to this day I still have not fixed that fender and it's been almost a year. Why? Because every time I see it, it reminds me of the fact that I'm not in that state anymore, I've come a long way and will (God willing) never be back there hitting things and wrecking my stuff because I was stupid and thought I could "control" it. Nope. I learned the hard way that the drugs controlled me, and that was proof. I'm just grateful I didn't get hurt and didn't hurt anyone or anything else. (The garbage can was fine. My dignity and car not so much)
I still don't have plans to get it fixed, because rather than it being a negative experience I couldn't wait to erase, I choose to view it as a positive learning experience and keep it there as a reminder every time I see it, of what not to do and to not to get ahead of myself and think I know it all, that I know best, that I can trust myself, because that is not always the case and that was proof of what happened when I thought as much before I got further in my recovery to realize all this. So, I have to agree with the sentiment that it might be a good reminder, not a bad one in this way. Definitely hit home for me, no pun intended *sorry*
Kind of like a small scar - reminder of a past suffering; but also a reminder as to how much you have healed and recovered. I think that is very cool.
I wish you a continued safe journey...keep it down the middle of the road. (lol)
Ive decided to go ahead with the gift; Im hoping the sentiment written will be a positive reminder. But in a way the quote Triumph and Disaster.... its saying you have to look at both the win and loss columns in life; and realize that you are a combiination of both - and that is ok.
Will let you know how it turns out. Thanks again for your thoughts.
Kelley
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Originally Posted by likehappiness
Kelly...you have had some great responses. I too am all for giving him the watch. It has got a wonderful meaning and I believe that your boyfriend can relate to it from all different directions. It also stands for moving forward for the both of you. Congratulations to him for all of his sobriety. I understand relapse also because I relapsed right after one year also. I don't know why I did it but never the less it is done. Realized that I am not and never will be a "recreational user". I am no longer beating myself up for it and am learning to let it go and move forward.
Sounds like you to have a great relationship and I hope nothing but the best for you. I am very fortunate to have an awesome husband who has stuck by me through all of my blunders. Pain, forgiveness, love, learning, patience and faith all are a part of recovery. Thank you for sharing and hope everything turns out wonderful for the both of you!
Sounds like you to have a great relationship and I hope nothing but the best for you. I am very fortunate to have an awesome husband who has stuck by me through all of my blunders. Pain, forgiveness, love, learning, patience and faith all are a part of recovery. Thank you for sharing and hope everything turns out wonderful for the both of you!
Im so glad you shared that part about your husband. Im glad to know you have support ..... and that your marriage is surviving the struggles of addiction; I know its difficult for everyone involved; My hope is that your relationhip continues to flourish and brings you both joy
To be honest, I read and post usually on the family forum, and no offense... but they are often not the most encouraging group. I told a couple people over there about my BF and what this weekend represents; and one person said simply the relapse voided his decision; and another said I should just expect him to sell it down the road when he is in need of a fix.
But anyway, I decided to go ahead with it later today. I think Im kinda strage; I like giving gifts as much as I like receiving them... so Im excited.
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Originally Posted by NoelleR
Since the title of this thread is 'Recognizing Decisions/Clean Time,' I think I'll pass on the decision whether to give the gift or not......sounds like a nice gift to celebrate recovery though, regardless of clean time.
I'll admit that I haven't read a lot of your posts, so I did do a little checking, and I must admit I did see some 'red flags' (or perhaps just some wee 'pink flags?'), but I just want to address one thing......
Someone earlier in this thread mentioned that relapses/slip-ups are a part of recovery, part of the battle. Relapse is NOT a part of recovery; it IS a part of addiction. We battle addiction, not recovery; there's no battle in/with recovery.
This brings me to a question/worry(?) regarding your BF's views about clean time. I guessing that had your BF not had this past relapse, he would have a year clean this weekend. In you OP, you wrote, ".. .I know he still views this one year mark as a turning point despite the relapse..." I guess my question/worry is does he also consider himself to be a year clean regardless of the relapse? You say he likes NA's use of tokens to mark milestones. With NA, these milestones usually represent continuous clean time (no indluded relapses).
If I might suggest; perhaps you and your BF could consider this gift not as representing clean time (or reaching a milestone), but representing the turning point milestone; the start of a journey.....From my experience, I've found that when folks fudge their clean times [ignore their relapse(s)], they seem to continue that pattern......: a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; well, you get the picture.......
I hope this might have given you some different clarity....something to think about..................Have a great weekend.............
(o:
NoelleR
I'll admit that I haven't read a lot of your posts, so I did do a little checking, and I must admit I did see some 'red flags' (or perhaps just some wee 'pink flags?'), but I just want to address one thing......
Someone earlier in this thread mentioned that relapses/slip-ups are a part of recovery, part of the battle. Relapse is NOT a part of recovery; it IS a part of addiction. We battle addiction, not recovery; there's no battle in/with recovery.
This brings me to a question/worry(?) regarding your BF's views about clean time. I guessing that had your BF not had this past relapse, he would have a year clean this weekend. In you OP, you wrote, ".. .I know he still views this one year mark as a turning point despite the relapse..." I guess my question/worry is does he also consider himself to be a year clean regardless of the relapse? You say he likes NA's use of tokens to mark milestones. With NA, these milestones usually represent continuous clean time (no indluded relapses).
If I might suggest; perhaps you and your BF could consider this gift not as representing clean time (or reaching a milestone), but representing the turning point milestone; the start of a journey.....From my experience, I've found that when folks fudge their clean times [ignore their relapse(s)], they seem to continue that pattern......: a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; followed by a bit of clean time, followed by a relapse; well, you get the picture.......
I hope this might have given you some different clarity....something to think about..................Have a great weekend.............
(o:
NoelleR
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.
You are correct in that BF would have had a year clean time if it had not been for the one night relapse in December.
He did not take the relapse lightly. It was very hard on him emotionally. It was very hard on me too because up until this point - his use of drugs had all been part of his past; not part of our life together. We both sorta freaked out.
It brought a lot of changes to his life. Most of which were actually positive however. i.e. He found out about the infection in his heart and was able to get treatment before it caused irreperable damage; he reconciled with his dad whom he hadnt spoke to in 18 months, he started seeing a psychiatrist, etc.
So to answer your question, he has been working really hard to use the relapse in a postive manner; as a learning experience. But he clearly understands it was a big deal and he does not want it to happen again.
BF doesnt count days at all; I am actually the one that likes the idea of how NA gives the tokens because I believe continued effort should be acknowledged. BF does recognize the day he made his decision - He totally changed his life based on that. To me its exceptional; because I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it was for him to take that first step.
When I bought the gift; your right it was basically to celebrate one year; but now it is more to acknowledge the decision that he made a year ago.
....And hopefully it will be a reminder to make that decision again every day.
Thank you for sharing yoru thoughts; means a lot.
Kelley
I Am Burning ; I Will Rise
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 286
"Someone earlier in this thread mentioned
that relapses/slip-ups are a part of
recovery, part of the battle. Relapse is NOT
a part of recovery; it IS a part of addiction.
We battle addiction, not recovery; there's no
battle in/with recovery."
@NoelleR. Yes, you are right! I definitely mis-stated my thoughts. I was trying to say that people do relapse during their recovery, but often get right back on track. A lot of people speak of their recovery from the VERY beginning, so I was trying to express that. But I'm glad you pointed that out, it never occured to me at the time.
that relapses/slip-ups are a part of
recovery, part of the battle. Relapse is NOT
a part of recovery; it IS a part of addiction.
We battle addiction, not recovery; there's no
battle in/with recovery."
@NoelleR. Yes, you are right! I definitely mis-stated my thoughts. I was trying to say that people do relapse during their recovery, but often get right back on track. A lot of people speak of their recovery from the VERY beginning, so I was trying to express that. But I'm glad you pointed that out, it never occured to me at the time.
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I have with a few select friends celebrated the date I deiced to return to a practice of addiction treatment...the beginning of my wellness journey I could say. That being 2-01-03. from that day to the present I have had times of progress and times of failure in recovery. What has remained throughout my journey was a solid commitment to stay in addiction treatment no matter what, to grow and face all the challenges in life, to continue through during the good and the bad.
I celebrate having stuck with my wellness path. Today I recognize all the overall progress I made from that first day. Kinda like a war medallion, I have lived through some tough times to be here today alive. No its not the numerical chronology of days on end that I have stayed sober. Its my way of recognizing that I have kept hope alive and in the long run have far better emotional/mental health than that first agonizing day when I was lost, without direction and scared witless.
I say give him the watch, getting better from active addiction is quite an accomplishment when there are huge numbers of addicts that don't get better and many others die.
I celebrate having stuck with my wellness path. Today I recognize all the overall progress I made from that first day. Kinda like a war medallion, I have lived through some tough times to be here today alive. No its not the numerical chronology of days on end that I have stayed sober. Its my way of recognizing that I have kept hope alive and in the long run have far better emotional/mental health than that first agonizing day when I was lost, without direction and scared witless.
I say give him the watch, getting better from active addiction is quite an accomplishment when there are huge numbers of addicts that don't get better and many others die.
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Hello Everyone.
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts; I really appreciated it & please know this gave me insight as I thought about the whole recovery process: decision days, clean days, and even where relapse falls in regard to this.
And I’m happy to report he liked the watch and the inscription; and he truly appreciated the acknowledgment.
All of you were right – we discussed how it really can have various meanings in relation to recovery & to the battles of life in general.
I also did one other sneaky thing; I called his dad on Saturday to tell him about the timeframe; he didn’t know… he kinda knew but not the actual date…. So his dad called him on Sunday; BF knew I had told him obviously, but it still meant a lot to him. (So I came through 2-0 !! )
Thanks again everyone. I sometimes over-think things I guess; but Im always trying to do the right thing; trying also to be considerate of addiction/recovery side of things which Im in the process of learning....
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts; I really appreciated it & please know this gave me insight as I thought about the whole recovery process: decision days, clean days, and even where relapse falls in regard to this.
And I’m happy to report he liked the watch and the inscription; and he truly appreciated the acknowledgment.
All of you were right – we discussed how it really can have various meanings in relation to recovery & to the battles of life in general.
I also did one other sneaky thing; I called his dad on Saturday to tell him about the timeframe; he didn’t know… he kinda knew but not the actual date…. So his dad called him on Sunday; BF knew I had told him obviously, but it still meant a lot to him. (So I came through 2-0 !! )
Thanks again everyone. I sometimes over-think things I guess; but Im always trying to do the right thing; trying also to be considerate of addiction/recovery side of things which Im in the process of learning....
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