NoWhereGirl

I don’t know what else to do guys…I was doing ok on the suboxone for 2-3 weeks but fell off the wagon because it’s not a “magic bullet”. sure it takes away the physical problems so I can function but the mental/psychological ones continue when I least expect it and I start using again, not as much as I used to but enough to let me know I’m not quite over the hump I thought I was, just fooling myself I guess… I guess I’m weak. I just can’t seem to get away from it and I don’t know what else to do. Nobody understands my POV, nobody knows what I’ve done, what I’m still doing, what I struggle with EVERY day and the ones who do still use themselves so they’re no help, including my husband who needs it for pain management. He definitely wants me off the opiates but doesn’t want me to attend NA because he doesn’t want me “brainwashed” or go the route one of his old friends girlfriend’s and go off with some guy who is clean when he wasn’t. I don’t know if he will ever be off the stuff, and I don’t know where that leaves me, now or in the future.

The worst part is how I feel now, after he set me up for failure today. I’m having severe back pain for the 2nd day in a row but because of the suboxone nothing helps (it blocks other pain meds I guess and/or my tolerance is high). I asked him for something to help and he left it out and set it up so he’d know if I would take more than I was supposed to and of course I did. I’m an addict for f*** sake! Then he got mad at me for doing exactly what he set me up for. I know I did this to myself and he can’t trust me, but why set me up? Why make me feel even worse than I already do? He thought I was lying about the back pain to begin with and I wasn’t. I just couldn’t take anymore and had to get to work Now he says he can’t trust me and I don’t feel I can trust him if I’m being set up. He doesn’t seem to understand my struggle as it is, now this?.

I even more lonely and misunderstood than ever over this. I know I have a problem, I’ve been trying to get over it but because there are still drugs in my house it is hard to get away from them, and the people who do them around me, and he doesn’t seem to understand this. I can’t continue to see them, see him do them, see our friends come over and do them, all the time when I’m trying to stay clean and strong. It’s just not working and I start to feel why bother? I feel too weak to fight all the time. I don’t think I can leave him (financial reasons), but I think I have to get away somehow. I don’t know if my insurance will cover an inpatient program for a month or so, or if it’s even a good idea, of if he’ll leave me or what to do about my job. (He’s on disability due to his injury, may never work again). My parents don’t know about my situation, one of them doesn’t speak to me anyway (unrelated to this). I just don’t know what to do.

I’m about to have a milestone birthday and all I feel like is I’m a loser addict with no friends who know what I’m dealing with (well, there is one but my husband doesn’t like me hanging out with him too much. I’ve never done anything in that way for him to not trust me, his ex-wife was the cheater not me but now, I probably ruined any kind of trust in general), no one who understands and no where else to turn and all the fight is starting to go out of me. If I go to NA on my own, I have to lie to my husband who already doesn’t trust me? Really? Why can’t he support me? I don’t understand any of this and trying to talk to him only seems to end in more fights. I only see my suboxone doctor once a month and my therapist isn’t helping much either. I feel stuck. Lost. Sorry for the length but I just don’t know what else to do right now and I’m also afraid to go home for fear of a bigger blowout than what happened already. What do I do? I just want to run away and make it all go away :rotfxko I feel hopeless right now, like really, really bad. Like it doesn't matter anyway anymore, and neither do I.

NoWhereGirl

p.s. can't edit but wanted to add that I struggle with depression, have my entire life both before and after finding opiates which is what probably got me hooked on them in the first place and keeps me still wanting them. Nothing else so far seems to get me out of that funk... I do okay for awhile but nothing seems to stick or work long enough.
I think my insurance does cover treatment, but then I have to deal with my husband, my family, my work... I just don't know how to do all that right now. I do want to, I do want to be free of this cr@p for good and find whatever way WILL work, since nothing else seems to, but it's overwhelming figuring out how to get there on my own. I just don't have the energy right now and it's pathetic. Why does it also feel no one takes me seriously, my problem seriously? It's not THAT bad to them, I'm not at death's door or anything (yet, anyway) and even my husband seems to think I can just 'get over it' because I'm "not doing that much" and clearly, I would be if it was just that easy. It's not.

scrambled2012

I know sometimes life can be really hard NWG, but it's important to know, others have gone and are going through what you are experiencing. Its called the human condition, and it can be painful as hell. To whatever degree we expereince that pain, we understand our fellows all the much more.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to change theripist, or to be more explicit with your current counselor about what is going on in your life?

I know there are others who will give better advice then I, and i'm sorry that I can't provide better answers for you. All I can say is that life isn't easy, but things don't stay bad forever. Hang in there A

NoWhereGirl

Thanks. Unfortunately I am all too familiar with the human condition after my fiance' died suddenly five years ago and I haven't quite been the same since I suppose. I wasn't always this way, I know that much but on days like this I'm just not sure things really do get better, or whether the scenery just changes. I tried to start my life over, now it's slipping away again.

I will try to find a new counselor though, maybe one who specializes in this SA as opposed to my previous one who I don't think really did.

macknacat

hmmm- i held on to plenty of stuff to reinforce my using- first son died, wife left me and our other kid on 12 hrs notice, got "brainwashed by baptists", etc...

in the end it was me starin' at me.. and nothing, i mean nothing , was working in my life.

NA is what i did and its what i do- Brainwashed? only if that somehow means i learned to love myself enough to stop destroying myself... to actually DO life on life's terms... to become an important and loved entity in my family and friends' lives...to stay clean 16 years now.

The folk who knew me well were ecstatic that i was doing NA- they had already mapped out what my using end time looked like : "jails . institutions and death".
Not saying theres no other way - but i cannot imagine an SO or any real friend wanting me to stay sick...

I was capable of pointing out every hypocrite so i could refuse their 'way' - which meant there was no priest, guru, educator, therapist, friend, preacher, doctor, counselor etc whom i could not paint as 'tainted'- always somebody making headlines somewhere . Yep- as long as they could not meet my standards of perfection , i could stay comfortably insane..

Marcus

I feel your pain. Life can be a daily / hourly / minute by minute struggle at times. I was doing the revolving door thing for years. I would get sick and tired of my life to the point I felt only using would make it better then things got even worse. Quit again and was happier for a bit, but life just kept kicking my butt. Your relationship doesn't sound too healthy. In the end you have to do what you think is right. Trying to continually appease others just prolongs the inevitable. Try a new counselor. One who specializes in substance abuse. If NA doesn't work out find a treatment center. If you can't do inpatient try outpatient. Maybe two nights a week and a few hours on the weekend. Usually they have great therapists there you can meet with too. Life is to short to be chained to a drug. Maybe get back into some hobbies or interests you have enjoyed in the past. The farther away you can get from your last pill the better. Change takes time and can be painful, but things do get better I promise you that.

NoWhereGirl

My apologies - I didn't mean to inciate the "brainwashing" term was my own or that I actually believed it, that was what I was told which stems from someone else's fear based on bad experiences they had via someone else, not even their OWN which frustrates me to no end! I don't care what it is or what you call something but if it works it works and that's the bottom line. I grew up with religious issues that made me wary of AA/NA but I know how to take what works for me and leave the rest... well, usually. Clearly this hasn't gotten me very far as of right now so I'm willing to try something else.
I'm perfectly willing to go, provided I can avoid the 13th Step part that I've heard runs rampant and I'd likely be a target for.

Then again, this is something I should to determine for myself, I think. I just don't like someone else's opinions keeping me from something that could be the best thing that could happen to me, and I really don't understand that mindset. Wouldn't you WANT someone you care about to get help and be healthy? No matter how they do it? The comment about this "not healthy" relationship was a kick in the teeth (in a good way), because I've been afraid of admitting this to myself for awhile now and afraid this might be true, and if so, how the hell do I get out? This latest go round of what I feel was a setup rather than a helping hand really upset me and makes me wonder WTF is really going on here. What does he hope to accomplish by that? My situation is not new news to either of us so "catching" me in the act so to speak doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know. It's just confusing and now makes me not want to trust the one person I thought I could. Now do I live in fear as to what else they're setting up, because I never thought they were doing this, but he now tells me he hasn't trusted me all along? Thanks for the honesty. Who the hell did I marry, again? Oy vey. I did not really want to be dealing with relationship issues now too, but sure seems headed that way if this is how it is now. Sucks.

NoWhereGirl

Thanks for the ideas Marcus. I'll call my insurance carrier MH counselors and see what the options are. I remember now that I went to an outpatient program for grief years ago that worked wonders (at the insistance of the same friend I mentioned who is around me now, ironically enough) so this shouldn't really be any different except A) I wasn't working then so I could devote every day to it and now I would have to work it in differently and B) I wasn't on this stupid opiate/suboxone merry-go-round thinking I don't need it and had way more support 'on the outside' than I do now. The funny (not) thing is that this is so much worse, now and potentially, that I don't know why I can't get it through my head in the same way. Denial, I suppose.

I won't have any access to pills any longer though -even if I wanted them I'm sure he's got them hidden or locked up by now which is fine. I'm ashamed enough as it is after what happened, and having lost all sense of control and logic over this stupid sh!t, again. As long as he doesn't "forget" and offer the damn things to me later like he tends to. Although I know its' up to me to say no, it's not helpful when someone else is doing and promoting the exact things you are trying to get away from and then claim ignorance as to to why it's so confusing and frustrating. I doubt I could ever tell him he's part of the problem and not the solution now. Nope, it's all me. As usual.

If I leave, I'll never be able to go back and right now I'm not even sure I'd want to because I just don't see his situation changing. He could be on these things forever by choice or by necessity, and me fighting them forever. I don't think I can do that. When we met I wasn't doing any of this; he was but on a different drug program for the pain but he wasn't abusing. Then Oxy came along and all hell broke loose. He's not able to go off the opiates yet but I am and it may be our undoing. I don't know how else to deal with my issues AND salvage our relationship, assuming it's even possible. What's right for me may not include him and after all we've been through and how dependent I am on him, I'd have to find another way that isn't worse than what I'm in now. I'd lose everything: house, my car, money... but right now I'm not sure what I do have is worth it. Damned if you do & damned if you don't?

Threshold

Pills in the house are a guarantee I will use them sooner or later. That has been my experience.

Getting sober changes the way you approach things, including relationships. And sometimes the partner doesn't like the new dynamics and will want the old you back. Relationship dynamics are complex and delicate. I was sure getting clean was going to help my marriage. Instead it ended it, go figure.

I had never lived alone. Never supported myself alone, etc etc. I was terrified, my entire identity was tied up in being a mom/wife/teacher/member of that community. Poof, all gone!

But I've made it. I've had some relapses, but they've been short because it's clear to me that sobriety is the only way. Learning how to live on my own, and create an identity that is based on who I honestly am and my real feelings and abilities is critical. no way I can to that wasted.

I'd have been dead soon had I stayed on drugs and tried to save that relationship. Again, two years later, it's pretty clear that the marriage had deteriorated and wasn't all that worth saving.

There are days I still wake up terrified, or in a panic, or feeling tired and depressed from the true challenges, but somehow I am making it. Making better choices one at a time.

My boyfriend has a bottle of pain killers because he's been having a lot of work done on his teeth. I think about stealing them all the time. I couldn't stay clean living with a pill popper. I tell him to hide them from me. (we don't live together)

The only relationship I am guaranteed to be in for the rest of my life, is the one with myself. It is most important to save that one, and make that a healthy one than any other relationship I have.

macknacat

ditto what threshold said. and add this: my using"reality" turned out to be very different from what the universe had in store for me once i got and stayed clean. Turned out i had really imprisoned myself - recovery set me free. Life got tough in places, sure, but it also got Big and Liberating. If i have any regret is that i did not begin much earlier [its why they call it "wasted"]...

NoWhereGirl

Thanks everyone. We hashed things out last night finally and cleared the air. Lots of misunderstandings on both sides, and some clearly insensitive behavior on both sides as well. Not making excuses, just making sure we both know this cannot continue this way. Things may change and that's ok. The one thing I need to keep in mind and still have hope for is that when we met and for many years after that, I was clean so it wasn't always this way. There is an "old me" which he knows - it's this "new me" that needs to change. He needs to as well as well as try to understand and be more supportive if we want to have a better healthier relationship along with being healthier, better people in general. We care about each other very much and don't want to let this get in the way of what we had before, buried and ruined by drugs. That much we definitely both agree on and need to work on in a better more positive way. Thanks again!

Marcus

Hey that is good to hear. Don't take my comment about your relationship not being healthy the wrong way (as if I meant you need to run away from it). Obviously changes need to be made. My wife and I have had similar problems. I lied and hid things from her and she enabled me in ways she didn't even realize. My use made us both a bit sick and we both had some things to work on. The important thing is that you both see that and are willing to try (that still doesn't mean it will work out perfectly, but it is a start).

It is funny at first I thought just getting off the stuff was going to fix the problem. Not that withdrawals are fun, but in the end that was the least of my problems. Getting off ended up being much much easier than staying off. I was still left with many of the same thoughts, behaviors, and influences which kept leading me back. Changes might be in order - try to embrace them. Talk things out. Reason with each other. Just don't turn to a pill (easier said than done).

RubyRose

Hi NWG, I have not had your experience with staying clean with a drug using husband, but I can relate to many things you've said with a 'controlling boyfriend'. He could set me up for failure at the drop of a hat, whether it was so he could 'save' me from myself to be the all-knowing hero, or 'save' me from someone/thing else. He would say "It's not YOU I don't trust, it's everyone else." wtf??

In subtle ways these controlling ways worked for awhile. I thought he cared so much for me. In the end I realized he had super bad insecurity and had to put me down and keep me under his thumb because he figured that was the only way he could keep me!

It didn't work for long. I'm glad you had a talk with your husband and ironed out a few things. Don't let HIS pill taking/addiction take over YOUR life. In my opinion only, you may be stronger, I could not stay clean if pills were available to me even now, and I've been clean for 2yrs 8 months. I also don't know a single person that would ever stick oxy in my face, ever, no matter what!

I find it hard to be very understanding of a partner that would basically 'taunt' you with oxy! That's just plain mean.

What is his injury? How old is he? Is oxycontin the only solution to his pain when he knows you are an addict? That seems selfish to me. Unless he is at death's door and not expected to live much longer. Otherwise, what does he plan? The rest of his life on oxy (and if not addicted now, he will be soon)?

Is he willing to see a Dr. and counselor with you? Talk out these problems together with a professional? I hope so.

Take care of YOU first ok? You deserve a happy, drug-free, addiction-free life...go after it!

...Ruby...

KelleyF

This thread is really helpful for me; I usually post on the family side as my BF is the one working on recovery from cocaine. But I often come here and read because it's helpful to understand more of both sides.

When I met him he had only been clean a couple of months; he would have had a yr this month; except he relapsed at Xmas.
Horrid experience as he od'd and I found him.

But it seems basically the idea regarding relationship health is the same as we practice: open honest communication from both sides; and time to heal....

NoWhereGirl

Thanks Ruby. And everyone. His injury is serious; rear-ended befoer we met which resulted in four back surgeries, the last two were bi-level fusions which is no joke. He needs the pain meds to function. What I was not as clear on is while he does take them daily it wasn't always Oxy, it was Norco & methadone, then they stopped working, tolerance I suppose, they switched him to Oxy, now Opana. He is under care of a pain management specialist, psychiatrist, and orthopedic surgeon and has been for years. He would not funtion without the pain meds and unlike me who doesn't need them, he does. I worry every day that he'll never be off of them or what will happen when they stop making what he is taking now, but it's not at that point yet.

But unlike me, he has self-control in that he does not behave like an addict; knows how to ration and control this unlike me and take what he is supposed to, in fact, less than he is supposed to. I went nuts, made a mistake, but he too got in over his head for awhile when the Oxy first came along, then wised up when we finally admitted we had a problem. He just does not have another option to not take them entirely yet; I do. In a year they'll reasses him (he just had his last surgery a few months ago), to see where he's at and what else they can do then because there aren't any more surgeries he can have. He has a "Tens" machine, and other equipment for pain relief, but still needs the meds. The problem is that *I* got into them and got into trouble. Not him.

During that time though, pills went missing here and there. He started to think he was going crazy. He wasn't sure if I was taking them, if his friends were taking them, if the doctor/pharmacy/hospital was shorting him or stealing them (which did happen and more than once). One time we were on vacation and they got stolen, so he no doubt was wondering WTF was going on again, between me and all the other weirdness that happens around these stupid pills.

It's no excuse, but things have been stressful lately with some of our friends and family and me battling this addiction so we're both under a lot of stress and haven't been ourselves all the time. We did work things out as I said, and later he admitted that while he did purposely test me by leaving it out and seeing what I would do, but he only did it to make sure he wasn't crazy... that yes, stuff has gone missing before and it wasn't his imagination. Sometimes he miscounts his rations, other times I would take them and "forget" to tell him or how much, or just plain steal them. He would prefer I just asked and not steal, but to an addict brain who was already sneaking around everywhere else, I did it at home too. Now he knows, because I have told him and he gets it, but he also knows I wasn't responsible every single time a pill went missing because it wasn't always me, there were other factors and people around that caused it. Still, that doesn't make it right.

But, that said, as stupid as it was and awful as it sounds, he clearly wasn't thinking that trying to find out what was going on by seeing what I would do would hurt me, or that I'd take it that way. I have been guilty in the past and was again here, I understand that. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and that's what he failed to see and that it was the right thing to do. He has to remember he's living with a recovering addict and not put me in that position in the first place, and to help me by making it easier, not harder. He sees this now, and really felt horrible when I railed on him for all of it and he was in my shoes for a moment and realizes it's not that easy, not everyone has that kind of self-control. I don't know how he does it, probably because he was never addicted before he got hurt and didn't view them that way. I get what his thought process was now and why he did it. I don't have to agree with it or like it but I'm not exactly innocent either, but it was a situation that did not have to go down that way and he knows this now and it won't be happening again.

He did tell me that by no means will someting like his being stupid and not thinking or drugs in general come between us and cause problems. That's the last thing we want and because we weren't always this way, expecially me, we know we can work on it. We know what it was like before I got addicted, and if we both keep the other person in mind and be considerate we can get through this too. The bottom line is that he still needs them and I don't, but he can control it better where I couldn't because I should not be taking them at all, nor should either one of us be putting the other in a bad position like that. He never forced me to take anything or be in this situation; I did that to myself. He wanted me to stop; he's the reason I went to the addiction doctor in the first place. He just needs to realize that I still struggle, and I need help beyond what I can do on my own sometimes to get through it and help instead of doing the opposite. It sounds bad, but the end result was good because we got to talk about it and really lay it out, which was long overdue anyway.

NoWhereGirl

p.s. yes, we have done counseling together and we go back when we feel the need to. I need to find myself a better personal counselor first though, one that specializes in SA and then bring him in as needed there too.

Another thing that turned around when we had it out was that he will be okay with me going to NA if and when I want to, which is a HUGE change of mind from before where he was adamant about me not going it because of bad experiences he heard about from a friend. He was fearful and scared that he'd lose me to someone else, that I'd change and leave him because he won't be where I am, but he was going to lose me the way we were going, so how is me doing NA to help myself and get support any worse? Really? Exactly. I told him ok then, does he want me to lie about that too? Because I can and go anyway and that's clearly not the better choice to make if we're trying to do the right thing and change things for the better.

So, that too was good to hear that even though he still may not agree with it or like it himself doesn't mean I can't go if it will help me and that is the whole point. Who knows, maybe I can help him one day when he finally goes off the pain management meds, although he's tapered himself a few times already which is why he claims he knows what I'm dealing with now and didn't blame me, once he realized what his stupid little 'sanity test' really did by simply backfiring and making things worse until we hashed it out. I agreed to disagree that he entirely gets it, because I don't think he lived with someone who did the thing they're trying to get away from, even if it is for health reasons and not addiction, but still.

Baby steps... that's what matter right? It's now getting better, not worse.