707gothchick

Used to see these kind of titles and say - man what did it take to get there? Well now I know. And I wasn't dawgin' on them folk - I didnt' realize I didnt want to think about what it had taken for me to even be on that site, reading those posts. Obviously there was a reason.
Slamming meth for 2 years - coke in powder form 1 1/2 years before that.
Used twice, smoked crank, in the past 18 days - but not shot up.
Still rocky - have a great sponsor, checks in with me every couple hours.
I'm 34 years old.
I'm not ashamed to say I slammed meth.

I can't be around many of my 'old friends' and frankly though I love and have concern for them and sometimes still talk to them, there's a lot of bad decisions that they make and a lot of loss and danger and just plain stupid tweeker **** that I can't do anymore and stay clean.. and outta jail.

They're still pretty much doing exactly what they did - what we all did, every day and months would disappear while we thought only a week had gone by- hustle every day to get a fix. Havin' a good hustle is a necessity when you're livin' as a junkie.

I mananged a tweeker pad. I was den mom. passed out toothbrushes, hyrdrogen peroxide, put out snacks and drinking water in the party room, got folk into showers if more than a week went by, went to the needle exchange, made sure the door was always locked in case we got raided. Cleaned up the place of all debris/paraphenalia so it didn't look anything like a tweeker pad. I got free rent and free dope and rockstar status.

I took a lot of **** from a boyfriend so I could keep using. I engaged in public sex acts - demeaned in psychological ways - when I realized I was made to be the 'age appropriate girlfriend' for his otherwise questionable intentions is when I just walked away. I walked away from all my free dope too. And I knew it wouldn't be easy but it was the right thing to do. For myself as well as other people who I had no intent to mislead and behavior I would not want to encourage or be a part of.

Then I was in some car high as a kite too late to have any reason to drive around - some hot young stud I'd shacked up with and a 'friend' "gave up three to go free" and I stood in the way and took all the charges for hotbody - who ironically kept doing stupid things like he was a blinking neon sign. He's is looking at mostly what I'm looking at.
No good deed goes unpunished.

My time at the top of the ferris wheel was over.
All my cool stuff got stolen the day after I went to jail. I didn't bail out - I needed time with no one who knew me to tell me what to do. I got myself into this mess, I was gonna hafta live with my decisions.

It was 9 days sober including the 5 in jail- once I shot again I kept shooting.
Went back to crashing at random tweeker pads. And they got nastier too.
Pretty much smelling mold and cat **** all night, not being able to use the tap water in the condemed building we were crashing in, because it was contaminated by the septic system and for a slammer that's a pretty frickin' important thing to remember.

It's been 18 days since I slammed meth. have so much more energy - I can think clearly - I look so much better - I actually have money - I enrolled in college classes - I got a part time job - My car isn't trashed and always running on fumes - I know what day it is - My friends aren't ripping me off or narcing me off - If a 5 oh pulls in behind me I don't care, cuz I aint ridin' dirty - I know who my friends are, both the sober ones and the ones who still use - I know that I know who I am - I know that if I shoot once it will probably be okay, but the next time my veins WILL errupt in fissures anyway so I wont really get high and it might do more than just hurt like hell. I know I feel healthier with an extra 10 pounds - and I could sure as hell use it. I know what the morning looks like and not just greeting it from the night before.

It was weird when I couldnt' go up a flight of stairs without sitting for several minutes. It wasn't just severe anemia, severe dehydration, severe malnutrition, it was shooting meth intervensously. I could eat and sleep and drink and balance as best I could my intake, but it was the injecting it act that was going to kill me.

I'm a girl who at 5 foot 2 and 115 could bench 125 at my peak athletic ability.

I really liked the sober me - this person I became physically was not comfortable. Frail, ghastly, I literally only came out of the house at night.

Anyway I'm 34 now and have a shot at a family - cool guy who is a package deal. I feel like I got one damned chance left to get my act together.

Past two days were hell - damned dragon just kept digging it's claws until my soul was bleeding. And I am high still after smoking crank the previous afternoon. Instead of berating myself I took a vitamin drink - chatted with my sponsor - looked around on the net and found this place.

Hell, I didnt' shoot up - and for a user to not partake in their preferred method, well I'm still feeling good about myself in a huge way. I had rigs with me, I was intending to shoot up. It just didn't work out that way. You don't just bust out a rig and all in front of folk. even your friends. it looks cool especially if you can do it in under 2 minutes including all your **** packed away. and that's how other people start up. Plus even if you intend to be clean, **** happens. More than one time on a fluke of bad luck, I couldn't hit to save my soul and it wasn't pretty. I will never turn someone on to the needle - havent yet. I can feel a metallic dullness that wasn't in my veins before. I am jaded and bitter and really serious about every little thing. I had to be. Shootin' up is hell on wheels. It's never as good as the first time. Its hurts like hell it's like balancing on a razor's edge.
More often than not its the slammer who'll be the worst user. The most nefarious and coldhearted. I don't know why. Perhaps it's that cold needle, that dull constant ache, that secret festering. Cuz no one likes a slammer - at least from my experience in all the circles I been rollin in, slammers keep that real quiet. I had a different approach. I did some research before I started slammin, I had personal groundrules. Maybe that's why I made it as far as I did, maybe that's why I am here now.

I'm using a ladder - and climbing down off the meth silver bullet train.
I wondered today what if I would say 'It's been 2 years since I shot up'
I'm gonna get to that day. In approximately 1 year and 11 moths.

"It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime.
What better place than here. What better time than now."
-Zach de la Rocha - Rage against the machine.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - Neitche

doggonecarl

A redemptive share, gothchick. I got off the crank train years and years ago, before it stole my soul. At least most of it. Wishing you all the best.

drunkenboxer

Nice post. +1 for your attitude. +1 for you taking responsibility for your actions. and +1 for the courage to say "No, I've had enough". You're obviously very articulate and creative. You can go places with that. We're here for you.

JokersGirl

Thanks for posting. If you ever wanna talk message me.

I can relate, only difference is, i never slammed. I am a cocaine and meth addict.

Ive been clean off meth for 2 1/2 years but ive had a few oops things that lasted a day. Twice was cocaine. Once was a LOT of adderall and ritalin.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

logo

I shot up dilaudid for 5 years because there was no good heroin where I live. Shooting up can be an addiction in its self. I would get sick just thinking about it. I also got hep C from shooting dope. It finally got me to the end of the road. I have not shot any dope in over 20 years. Thank GOD. I wish you well on your journey. The best of luck on your recovery. Come into the SR chat and we can talk. There are a great bunch of regular people in chat that I call The Home Team. We help people deal with their demons. Love and Respect. Logo

neferkamichael

You are fantastic, Happy Valentine's Day, gothchick.

707gothchick

Still going, stil off the needle. Ran into a friend hadn't seen in months he needed a ride to court in a bad way so a BW wasnt' issued I dropped everything and I'll be dammed if he hadnt' been clean for 10 days! Good on him, our circle had exploded in stupid tweeker madness and I was so happy for him. Happy for me too. He looked great. I can only guess but when people say I look good, that must be what they mean.

Im'a make my At-Home, recovery purpose to talk about housing, my man get's out of jail in 4 months, he's got full custody of his toddler - he never needed to use when he was hanging out with her, she made him so damn happy he couldn't get a better high than being with his kid.
I dunno - I know they say don't make decisions like that. We'd been dating a week before my arrest for under the influence and paraphenalia and I was like - I either clean up on teh outside, or they clean me up on the inside. You know what I'm sayin?

I have this dream of working for an online recovery program that is looking to hire in my area - and if they don't then I will open up a non-profit. i have all the experience and I've been wanting to run a non-profit for years, just didnt' know what to support.

Hell - I can save myself and support the other team, helping other people?

I knew a kid hell bent on getting into a rehab before they hunted him down, 3 months running on a BW - no house no car no phone, can't show yoru face, kinda hard to get that call when you're name comes up on awaiting list.

That kid wojuld have gone to a rehab right then and there. He was asking for help.
There was nothign available.

My social worker said sounds great "soon you'll be on the other side of the table and I can refer my clients to your program"
My mom told me today - and she didnt' know about this yet - that I should be a social worker.

I got a half dozen boys in jail i'm writing. They're clean right now. They're getting out soon.
They're going to hit the streets.
Like I did.
I'm a chick and it was hella hard to find a place to hang out, jobless, carless, pending felonies, I stayed sober as long as I could but I had no where else but the tweaker pads adn even there and with other using friends I still made it days on end.

There's one halfway house and it's always packed. Like a few rooms, it's just one apartment buidlig or some such.
We're nearly a city - big enough to have three or four with the % of people on meth.

I'm up trying to get my data organized for tomorrow's meetings. AODP, lawyer, SS, its' all happening for me and I'm confident -I have a plan.
I will save the world - one tweeker at a time.

I actaully went to my mom today crying becuase more than one person said I must have ADHD - I "act like I'm on drugs" - I'm bouncing off the walls, as well as my allergies are totally killing me.

I'm the normal one. How about that?

I have this dull fingernail-on-chalkboard feeling in my veins. If it never goes away then it will always remind me. It's kind of like an open dimension to hell - screaming agony of burning forever. A dull ache. Dont' ever slam, dont' ever slam. It never goes away, Its' brilliant the first time and it's Never again like the first time.
It's like great sex and then never ever enjoy sex again - I swear to god.

There was a guy who when he found out I started using the needle he just broke down in tears. I'd never seen him cry and he couldn't stop. He just kept saying no, no, you can't, you didn't.
I know what he meant - don't start. Just please dont' start. It's not cool, it's not fun.

My god - I was going to shoot vodka three days ago - just to have something to shoot.
How lame is that? Really.

I've had an emotional day - some chick i guess her ex is a good friend of mine, he's in jail and I've been sending encouraging letters, threataned to kick my ass if I kept writing her "boyfriend".
So I'm doubling my efforts - I'm starting a newsletter, first one goes out tomorrow.

I'm going back to sellign crap on ebay - my hardware is all new, had to get an old used laptop replace my raelly nice stolen one. Like driving a new car - frustrating.
But I made money at that and I can fund my dream of saving the world.
One tweeker at a time....
I'm one.

So you heard from me high, remember, my last post I was on crank, I broke sobriety after a week or so - and now I'm sober. (Relatively speaking - I will pass a urine test. **** leaves my system in 3 days to the hour. Maybe it's the ADHD - LOL)

It was cool to check in and see the encouragement.
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
Peace Love & Light -

707gothchick

my lady I was working for - she's a paranoid skitzophrenic with OCD & delusions - just called me. Literally just called me. I knew what to expect, the fire department and police department was at her house three or four days ago around this time, she had gotten lost in her backyard - she sees kids being killed. she hears screams.

She abuses her aderol.
I can't save the world.
I had a girlfriend awhile back had methamphetime enduced skitzophrenia
I got her to look at me once and say 'it's an illusion, it's not real <the demons she saw cmoing through the walls> I said 'yeah baby I'm real, keep focusing on me.'
She said 'don't let go, don't give up on me, please'
I said 'i'll never give up, you don't give up either'

I couldn't stop them, the other cranksters, from smoking her out.
I never was able to have a lucid conversation with her again.

God this is just heartbreaking.

doggonecarl

Meth is horrible.

I have a picture of me at my height of methamphetamine use...a passport picture, no less. If you cover one side of the picture, the side of my face that is showing looks completely normal. Cover that side and the other side of my face looks demonic. I'm sure the picture was just reflecting what was happening inside.

707gothchick

So instead of letting my mom (her lies, denials) point me in the direction of the tweeker pad...
So far every weekend, I've been heading there and smoking a bowl.
And my allergies go away, I can breathe normally, my extreme hyperactiveness levels out.

Except for yesterday. I ran like two miles and specifically called sober, recovered meth users and pretty much made a place for myself, all day I hung out with like-kind.
I sent a blanket text to sober people indicating that I needed a room for rent in a sober environment.

Now I'm grateful for her help, but when she denies things that happened, and challenges who I am, what I know as fact, and what I've been through.. grrrr... that's not helping, that's not a good environment. I wouldn't have 'friends' that treated me like she has.

Anyway, I'm adding another "X" to yesterday's box in the calendar my sponsor gave me.
I'm still wanting to save the world. I might take a day off.

Will these allergies ever go away? I'm taking homeopathic remedies as well as benedryl and claritin, (not all together, mind you, it's appropriate doses)

peace out folks. thanks for reading and hope whatever part of the path you are on is the one you want to be and it works for you.

dreamscape

please turn your back on all slippery people, places and things.

Good on you for not shooting meth! Crack is a killer too though (injested by any means)

Have you tried N.A ?

707gothchick

I will never turn my back on anyone.
Everyone deserves a chance at life. Why did I get so lucky? Why did I live?

I don't believe in organized religion, and more importantly - I AM NOT ANONYMOUS. I am proud of who I am. My scars make me who I am.

Many of what I'm saying here I'm copying to my social networking site. My 233 friends are following my journey.

Kristyncasey

just remember that just because you don't believe in organized religion doesn't mean that you can't be a christian. God and Jesus and Jail are the only reasons I am clean off a 1 yr 3 gram a day IV habit.
doggonecarl, you are right, meth can open windows to a dimension full of demonic things. It's a mind control drug. And it isn't an easy habit to kick.
You have to be humble about what your experiencing and going through, and always remember that it's always when you are doing your best that the devil wants to come at you for your worst.
I tried to get clean 5 or 6 times in the past year, my longest stretch going about 12 days (also another time I was in jail) but once something came up in my life that hurt, or angered me, shoot even when I just had some money burning in my pocket I was using again.
And even now, almost 5 months in, I would still have a hard time saying no if had to choose. It isn't easy and that addiction shouldn't be taunted....it's up to someone way more powerful then us to help in our recovery. We cannot do it on our own.

SoberExTweaker

Hey, I really appreciated your post...really honest and inspiring. Have you ever been to a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting? I got sober in CMA and I love it. I'm curious to know if you've ever been to a meeting.

--Chad

707gothchick

Chad I haven't heard of CMA - I'll do some research on it, if you happen to have links, send them my way.

There's so much misconception - I'm calling it 'methconception'. I think I'll have a page on my website about it.
for instance, I hung out with a friend where a few years ago coke was freely flowing. She didn't do it, however, and was ragging on the 'crank smokers'. Well, those folk (as most coke-heads in my experience) look down their nose at meth-heads, and no one smoked coke, and it's a different high and a different come-down and everything.
She's an RN and all too and 'saw junkies come into the clinic' and it was difficult not to get pissy and take it personally but after a few hours we had a good relation and she was very willing to listen, as for my part I was willing to listen to her.
Good grief when I told her I used needles she kinda locked up, like ack I've the devil my house! That would send someone running, and not ask for help - it's that kind of misconception I hope to avoid.

Since I've posted - I've walked straight into the back of the sherriffs' office, had a very productive meeting with the director of the Meth Awareness Project. Felt so trippy, like if I was not serious about what I was doing, I woulda been like a cat in a room full of rockers or something! Best part was she took me seriously.

Another update, the West Company, a local non-profit to help small business' grow, is working with me and they are so supportive.
A friend of mine letting me stay at his apt in town WITH my ESA dog where I am able to get wi-fi ALL day, so much research I've been unable to do without internet.
I've asked an old professor who is a licsened therapist please hear my story and write a letter of recommendation for my ESA. She was intregal in my sobriety and saved my life from a bad experience when I OD'd/shot heroine once - it was the best experience i coulda had, cuz I'll never do it again! Funny how even though I was a comatose state I took responsibility fully for my actions and knew it was only me to fault, not her, not anyone else.

That's why I do not subscribe to NA AA - admit you are powerless. I cannot do that.
The majority of people who die in natural disasters, tragic accidents, do so because they do not act. They freeze like a deer in the headlights. I am still alive because I keep moving. The fittest survive in this world.

And it's not enough for me to wash the sulpher off and try to blend in again. I continue to sit on the edge of hell, a rope trailing off into the murky blackness. When I feel a tug is when I know that I am here for a reason. I will never stop talking about it.

I am still counting days.
The horns are only there to keep the halo up straight.
Good luck everyone - it's hard work, patience, and yes, even luck.
Keep moving, don't freeze - that's when the zombies get you!
Get an ESA - an emotional suppport animal.
When you find yourself 'going there' STOP and view the last thought, the very last thought that made that emotion of jonsing. Break the pattern and set your mind free!

Thanks for saying I am inspiring. I didn't go through hell for no reason.
YOU didn't go through hell for no reason either.
YOU are still here. You are worth it.
Peace love adn light. -

gr8fl2aa

I wish you the best. I tried it almost exactly like you are, I always ended up using again, eventually.

Admitting you are powerless over the (insert whatever, coke, meth, alcohol) was easy for me, because eventually, I always went back it, I was powerless to quit for any great length of time.

That was no monkey on my back, it was a gorilla.

Humility is not the same as humiliation, that helped me also.

Don't knock the steps, keep an open mind, I'll shut up now.......

NoTears

Goth hi,
brings back memories. I spent 5 years with a needle in my arms. I weighed less than your dog.

I just wanted to say take care and watch out. I didn't really drink much on speed (but in retrospect, those years were before I was of age), but somehow, at some time afterwards I drifted into the more-socially-respectable drinking. That turned into 25 years of alcoholism that I just now am pulling my head out of my ass from.

be careful with yourself. not every danger is found in a point.

dreamscape

i just went thru one of the darkest times in my life (suicidal for months) and I started to pray and ask God for help and Jesus into my heart.

I went from wanting to die daily to having a life and a Saviour and a job and friends who love me.
If not for God I would most likely be dead or incarcerated in some locked up mental ward.

God in my life has nothing to do with organized religion, and everything to do with Gods love for someone who had no hope.

J

707gothchick

48 days - not too bad folks. quite a run.
Dopamine depleted. I am upping my vitamin C intake.
Ick. ******* funky. Took a shot and excused myself into the bathroom nearly threw up. (Not the normal feeling - hell, I remember the first time, and it was NEVER as good as the first time)

Ain't dawgin on me at all, let that first wave of funky and down go through, dissapeared off the face of the planet for a few days and now I'm back. have a place to post up where there is dedicated internet, close to town. I have three days here, three days there, need a car so badly. CHecking on a couple of vans, should get approved for light caregiver work today. Personal funding first,

Writing Recovery Centers today for information packets, need to find a federally recognized center.

Please recognize that it doesnt gell for me to remain powerless and admit defeat, I have not survived by giving up. I have survived by becoming stronger.
I used to believe in god because I was forced to - 30 years. Once I stopped praying and took responsibility for myself, major changes took place.
*Glad you found god and she cured you. Plz DON'T push your trip on me!

After the initial wave of dopamine release, and let me tell you it was VERY BRIEF. I was like - oh yeah, haven't felt that good in awhile and I see that I can get close to the... oh snap, it's gone and then my tummy got super funky. I babbled for a few hours, sure that was interesting, laughed a little, made the best of it. Ain't slept in 2 days. Brushed teeth, washed face, will shower after the sober family gets first dibs.

I have been talking to someone who has a similar viewpoint on life, and synchronicity. Meeting new friends brings joy and in this circumstance, this person will be going to serve one year in jail, and a six month recovery program after. So I'm both meth'd out of happy, and another name is added to my list of 'boyz'. Then I look at how long it's been since a newsletter, and even just my personal close friend, I have not met my goals!

So I will be enrolling in AODP this week - I ought to take the course and get that experience. This program has limited staff, requirements that I do not concur with (medical marijuana is not allowed, alcohol at all, and NA/AA which is faith based).

My friend asked what I would be doing in a year. I described a building in mid-town and said that I will have that abandoned building restored and used as transitional housing with a model that self generates the rental fee, in addition to public funding - I'm delighted at my ideas and can't wait to put them to use. He in particular was very interested when I first told him about my idea.

I had given up, nearly, a few days ago. I didn't stop using, I didn't stop brainstorming. I also have a meeting with a home program and in couple of weeks something may come up. Living out of suitcases is cool and all - I been doing it so long. Just would really like to not keep moving.

PEACE LOVE AND LIGHT - When you fall, the important part is that you GET UP and KEEP GOING.

LifeRedux

I feel your pain. My ex got me taking my RX in a method I'm not happy about. How long does needle fever last? It's all about breaking away from the instant gratification...and then from gratification at all.

Are these boards a safe place to talk about anything? (are they monitored)?