Struggling on day 33
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 67
Struggling on day 33
I thought it would be easier by now.
I've had some good days, but lately, I'm just struggling with depression, feeling blah, feeling guilty for feeling depressed, and every day is a struggle again. I guess I'm glad that I don't have a quick connection, because I think I'd be using right now.
My husband is "normal" & has NO CLUE what I'm going through, and when I try to talk to him, he just says things like, "Good job", "I'm proud of you", etc. while one eye is watching sports. It's like since this is MY problem, he wants me to just handle it on my own, & get back in the game...He actually does a lot around the house & I guess I can't blame him for being ready to have a real wife again.
And I feel guilty about how absent I've been in raising my son. These are all the feelings I never wanted to feel!
Since covering up these feelings (with pills) quit working, maybe letting myself feel them is the way to handle them. Pain is the body's way of saying that something's wrong--maybe emotional pain is the way we are told we haven't handled situations/emotions correctly & we need to change that.
Like, if I feel guilty about not being around enough for my son, instead of drowning out that pain, maybe I should be correcting the cause of the pain, which would mean I start consciously being there for him more.
So far, recovery feels like the painful peeling away of an onion skin. Each layer hurts as it comes off, but it leaves the fresh & tender part beneath. I find myself becoming more sensitive to real emotion & less inclined to fly off the handle due to "drug-induced" stress, which signals to me that I am returning to my real self, but I still feel so far away.
And the fresh & tender part feels exposed & that feels scary.
I feel like I'm working on blind faith here, guys...
As always,
Belessings~~
I've had some good days, but lately, I'm just struggling with depression, feeling blah, feeling guilty for feeling depressed, and every day is a struggle again. I guess I'm glad that I don't have a quick connection, because I think I'd be using right now.
My husband is "normal" & has NO CLUE what I'm going through, and when I try to talk to him, he just says things like, "Good job", "I'm proud of you", etc. while one eye is watching sports. It's like since this is MY problem, he wants me to just handle it on my own, & get back in the game...He actually does a lot around the house & I guess I can't blame him for being ready to have a real wife again.
And I feel guilty about how absent I've been in raising my son. These are all the feelings I never wanted to feel!
Since covering up these feelings (with pills) quit working, maybe letting myself feel them is the way to handle them. Pain is the body's way of saying that something's wrong--maybe emotional pain is the way we are told we haven't handled situations/emotions correctly & we need to change that.
Like, if I feel guilty about not being around enough for my son, instead of drowning out that pain, maybe I should be correcting the cause of the pain, which would mean I start consciously being there for him more.
So far, recovery feels like the painful peeling away of an onion skin. Each layer hurts as it comes off, but it leaves the fresh & tender part beneath. I find myself becoming more sensitive to real emotion & less inclined to fly off the handle due to "drug-induced" stress, which signals to me that I am returning to my real self, but I still feel so far away.
And the fresh & tender part feels exposed & that feels scary.
I feel like I'm working on blind faith here, guys...
As always,
Belessings~~
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
For what its worth, the depth of our problems didn't develop overnight, and their effects aren't going to go away overnight either...it takes a while for the brain to rewire itself i guess. I have both read that many times and am experiencing it. The important thing is to press forward and know that it will get better with time.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 200
Keep on going NewAttitude. I've heard from people in 12-steps that the best thing about recovery is learning to feel your feelings and the worst thing about recovery is learning to feel your feelings.
Do you go to meetings with other addicts? Just thinking it would help you to have someone who has experienced what we're going through. I know non-addicts cannot possibly understand a lot of what we are trying our best to deal with.
~Pandie
Do you go to meetings with other addicts? Just thinking it would help you to have someone who has experienced what we're going through. I know non-addicts cannot possibly understand a lot of what we are trying our best to deal with.
~Pandie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
NewAttitude,
You have to remember that your brain is healing right now Much like a broken bone, only time and careful attention will heal it.
I know it sucks right now for you - BELIEVE ME I know!
So let's say you use again - you're back to square one and back in the hole!
You're 1 month out which is amazing! You should be very proud of your accomplishment!
You have to remember that your brain is healing right now Much like a broken bone, only time and careful attention will heal it.
I know it sucks right now for you - BELIEVE ME I know!
So let's say you use again - you're back to square one and back in the hole!
You're 1 month out which is amazing! You should be very proud of your accomplishment!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
New Attitude - your post could have been mine exactly at the same time last year. Once we are over the w/d's, the real work begins. We now must face each day clean and sober.
I have found several things that helped me back then and still help me today. First, anything you can do for others will lift your mood. Second, exercise and fresh air are wonderful to start to feel normal again. Of course, eating healthy also helps.
But what really helped me in those first critical months was to focus on gratitude. To either list or review several times daily in my mind all that I have to be thankful for.
I, too, carry a lot of guilt for using for so many years during my own child's formative years. I thought I was treating emotional pain of living with an alcoholic spouse, but in retrospect, I was being selfish. I was worried more about my own pain that my child's. During her teenage years, I had to work a job that involved travel (as my AH was employed off and on then), missed her prom night and other events, blamed him, used to feel better. You know the story. I saw a counselor for several months last summer to help me work through some of these issues and it helped me alot.
Remembering your first posts on SR, you really do exhibit a wonderful attitude and you know you are now on the right road. Keep posting! With time, it does get better.
I have found several things that helped me back then and still help me today. First, anything you can do for others will lift your mood. Second, exercise and fresh air are wonderful to start to feel normal again. Of course, eating healthy also helps.
But what really helped me in those first critical months was to focus on gratitude. To either list or review several times daily in my mind all that I have to be thankful for.
I, too, carry a lot of guilt for using for so many years during my own child's formative years. I thought I was treating emotional pain of living with an alcoholic spouse, but in retrospect, I was being selfish. I was worried more about my own pain that my child's. During her teenage years, I had to work a job that involved travel (as my AH was employed off and on then), missed her prom night and other events, blamed him, used to feel better. You know the story. I saw a counselor for several months last summer to help me work through some of these issues and it helped me alot.
Remembering your first posts on SR, you really do exhibit a wonderful attitude and you know you are now on the right road. Keep posting! With time, it does get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 67
Thanks everyone...
you are all right, and actually, I do feel better today. Much better. Not cured, not euphoric, but better, which actually feels great.
everything you write helps and I value all your input...
blessings~~
you are all right, and actually, I do feel better today. Much better. Not cured, not euphoric, but better, which actually feels great.
everything you write helps and I value all your input...
blessings~~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Palm Beach
Posts: 14
Congratulations on day 33!! I strive to be at that point!! Still in the maddening withdrawal faze! Physical Pain like this is horrible, just remember you never want to feel this pain again and hold on tight to the ones you love!! That little boy is a tremendous amount of untapped strength. Sit down and hold him or talk to him about all the things he wants to do with you. Realize that in being sober your making yourself a better mom, wife, & human being and just imagine that the strength those people around you is passing to you. Dream of the future and not the past!! 
I wish you the best of luck and strength to hold on!! Sobriety is earned.
I wish you the best of luck and strength to hold on!! Sobriety is earned.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the shadow of the rockies
Posts: 338
heh NewA - sounds like you are doing the right things- sharing where you're at . not using. reaching out to another addict. They always told me that "Time takes Time" ; not an easy one for this Instant Gratification Freak! But the truth is that even in 'muddling thru' I was learning a new way of life- how to live life on life's terms without chemical induced insanity..
BTW- plenty of days i was "living on blind faith" after all, my muscle memory was all about using. So i would hold on tight to what folks with more time would say.
oh yeh- and i would call my sponsor - helped to have a guy who knew my story, could suggest stuff i could be doing [step work and gratitude list and prayer and meditation oh my!] and he could call me on my BS [ "my friend....YOU should be be very very grateful life is not fair"]
Being there -fully there for ourselves first , means we get to be there for everyone else.
pretty cool...
BTW- plenty of days i was "living on blind faith" after all, my muscle memory was all about using. So i would hold on tight to what folks with more time would say.
oh yeh- and i would call my sponsor - helped to have a guy who knew my story, could suggest stuff i could be doing [step work and gratitude list and prayer and meditation oh my!] and he could call me on my BS [ "my friend....YOU should be be very very grateful life is not fair"]
Being there -fully there for ourselves first , means we get to be there for everyone else.
pretty cool...
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
New Attitude: Glad you found us here on SR. There are so many to reach out to here on the boards. You are in no way by your lonesome going thru this. Just about everyone here on the boards have been in your shoes or have loved ones going thru what you and I went thru. We all have our good days and bad days. Even ppl that aren't trying to recover from drugs/alcohol. It's just a fact of life.
Here's a scenario for you if you haven't heard it before. Our DOC is like a lover to us. When we let go of that lover. We have to start grieving it's loss. It is a mental and physical trial to go thru. It hurts in both ways. I'm sure you've lost a lover in the past and know how bad it hurt. This is the exact same feelings we get when we come off our DOC. Not to exclude the w/d's that is. The warm loving fuzzy feeling our DOC gives us is a big loss to us when we come off of it. It takes time to get back on our feet.
Get out and enteract with ppl. It feels good to get away from the house to talk with others. It breaks the humdrum cycle up. Put your favorite music on to listen to. Start going thru dresser drawers and closets. Clean out stuff you no longer need or want. Donate them. Go thru paperwork and get the disorder back in order. You'll find by doing these things. You are taking charge again of your life.
It sounds like you might still be grieving the loss of that lover. This feeling can and probably will lead you back to using. The pull can be very strong. Not saying here that's what you are going to do.
Your husband is trying to be supportive in his own way. He probably has no ideal what drugs/alcohol addiction is really all about. He probably views it as a hiccup in your life and you'll get over it. You really should look into going to meetings where others like us know what and how to deal with the wants and needs of recovering addicts. It is very healing to the soul to be able to talk about what you are feeling and having someone in the room with you that understands it. If you can't go to meetings. Then by all means get on the boards here and reach out to others here.
Start you a calendar with gold stars for every day you stay clean. Something to look at as a reminder of the leaps and bounds you are making.
Wishing you love and healing my dear.
TOD
We all have our good days and bad days. Even ppl that aren't trying to recover from drugs/alcohol. It's just a fact of life. Here's a scenario for you if you haven't heard it before. Our DOC is like a lover to us. When we let go of that lover. We have to start grieving it's loss. It is a mental and physical trial to go thru. It hurts in both ways. I'm sure you've lost a lover in the past and know how bad it hurt. This is the exact same feelings we get when we come off our DOC. Not to exclude the w/d's that is. The warm loving fuzzy feeling our DOC gives us is a big loss to us when we come off of it. It takes time to get back on our feet.
Get out and enteract with ppl. It feels good to get away from the house to talk with others. It breaks the humdrum cycle up. Put your favorite music on to listen to. Start going thru dresser drawers and closets. Clean out stuff you no longer need or want. Donate them. Go thru paperwork and get the disorder back in order. You'll find by doing these things. You are taking charge again of your life.
It sounds like you might still be grieving the loss of that lover. This feeling can and probably will lead you back to using. The pull can be very strong. Not saying here that's what you are going to do.
Your husband is trying to be supportive in his own way. He probably has no ideal what drugs/alcohol addiction is really all about. He probably views it as a hiccup in your life and you'll get over it. You really should look into going to meetings where others like us know what and how to deal with the wants and needs of recovering addicts. It is very healing to the soul to be able to talk about what you are feeling and having someone in the room with you that understands it. If you can't go to meetings. Then by all means get on the boards here and reach out to others here.
Start you a calendar with gold stars for every day you stay clean. Something to look at as a reminder of the leaps and bounds you are making.
Wishing you love and healing my dear.
TOD
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