I hate myself for doing this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 80
I hate myself for doing this
Among other things this weekend, i just snorted oxy. I feel pathetic and stupid. Everyone else quit partying hours ago. I am alone, was watching a show that made me think too much about it. I hate myself right now.
I tried so hard the start of this weekend. Knew it would be a tough one. Hopped in and out of chat on here. hopped in one time and said i was struggling but no one acknowledged me. So i let my addict mentality take over. "ah, if they don't take me seriously, maybe i don't have an issue, **** it". So easy grabbing on to those pathetic excuses.
Xanax, oxy, alcohol, been down all those roads the last few days but i know for me, snorting is a bad sign of things to come. I need to quit this before the hell starts over. Was wathing a show, thinking bout how how good i would feel if i did a few pills. I am ashamed to say i don't know how many xanax i did this weekend. Not much oxy, but what i did do i snorted. No No for me. My DOC back in the day was coke. I loved that first hit on the back of the throat. I can't go down this road. I've been to my own personal hell and it took a long time for me forgive myself for the things i did.
I am pathetic. I know it's not good but i do it anyway. It sucks too because even the people closest to me don't get what i am. They talk me into drinking. Say i don't have a problem. They don't see me sneaking xanax, snorting oxy because they all passed out hours ago.
How do you do this when you are the only one that truly knows what you are? I am hitting a high as i type. I like it righ now but won't in 6 hours when i have to be a mom. I already his some pills i crushed, telling myself i'll hit them in the morning to get through. I keep saying no to my wife but she doesnt get it. Instead she gets pissed when i don't want to go to bed, instead i want to stay up and drink everything we have. She knows this will happen but still fights with me about drinking until i give in.
This **** makes me feel so good. I've gone through so many things , drugs, alcohol etc. Some days i just think '**** it' i don't wanna be responsible for other peoples lives. I just want to walk away and do my thing. But deep down i know, just as i have known since my early teens that if i am left to self destruct, i will die. I never thought i'd be 16, then 18, and i was totally okay with not making 21. But i did, and i wonder of its a cruel joke some days.
I have a great life, want for nothing really, materially anyway. Lucky in so many ways yet i am so willing to **** it all up.
Blah. i'LL shut up now. Hit me with your tough love, for i keep coming back here and so many times being here has stopped me from using in this last month or so. i went 3 weeks almsot then 2 this time and BOOM, i just quit trying.
Dang.
I tried so hard the start of this weekend. Knew it would be a tough one. Hopped in and out of chat on here. hopped in one time and said i was struggling but no one acknowledged me. So i let my addict mentality take over. "ah, if they don't take me seriously, maybe i don't have an issue, **** it". So easy grabbing on to those pathetic excuses.
Xanax, oxy, alcohol, been down all those roads the last few days but i know for me, snorting is a bad sign of things to come. I need to quit this before the hell starts over. Was wathing a show, thinking bout how how good i would feel if i did a few pills. I am ashamed to say i don't know how many xanax i did this weekend. Not much oxy, but what i did do i snorted. No No for me. My DOC back in the day was coke. I loved that first hit on the back of the throat. I can't go down this road. I've been to my own personal hell and it took a long time for me forgive myself for the things i did.
I am pathetic. I know it's not good but i do it anyway. It sucks too because even the people closest to me don't get what i am. They talk me into drinking. Say i don't have a problem. They don't see me sneaking xanax, snorting oxy because they all passed out hours ago.
How do you do this when you are the only one that truly knows what you are? I am hitting a high as i type. I like it righ now but won't in 6 hours when i have to be a mom. I already his some pills i crushed, telling myself i'll hit them in the morning to get through. I keep saying no to my wife but she doesnt get it. Instead she gets pissed when i don't want to go to bed, instead i want to stay up and drink everything we have. She knows this will happen but still fights with me about drinking until i give in.
This **** makes me feel so good. I've gone through so many things , drugs, alcohol etc. Some days i just think '**** it' i don't wanna be responsible for other peoples lives. I just want to walk away and do my thing. But deep down i know, just as i have known since my early teens that if i am left to self destruct, i will die. I never thought i'd be 16, then 18, and i was totally okay with not making 21. But i did, and i wonder of its a cruel joke some days.
I have a great life, want for nothing really, materially anyway. Lucky in so many ways yet i am so willing to **** it all up.
Blah. i'LL shut up now. Hit me with your tough love, for i keep coming back here and so many times being here has stopped me from using in this last month or so. i went 3 weeks almsot then 2 this time and BOOM, i just quit trying.
Dang.
Julz
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Amesbury, Massachusettes
Posts: 33
YOUR NOT PATHETIC!!! You are an addict. Thats why we do the things we do. You might screw up a million times, but if you want it bad enough, you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try all over again. I have been in your shoes more times than I can count. But I finally did it. And you can too. Everyday your clean and sober is a good day.
Best wishes to you.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
tgif: I am a mother of an addict son. It sounds like you two are alike in many ways. I've struggled with the drugs from this side, a mother watching what her 25 year old intelligent son was doing to himself, and most of the time I was enabling him. Ironically I have a background in substance abuse counseling, yet I'm like a fish out of water when it comes to applying all the information to myself. I was at a NIDA conference once, and a researcher on substance abuse said that there are only 2 reasons why people use drugs/substances. 1. To feel good. 2. To feel better.
For you, I think the good news is that you have insight into what the drugs are doing to your life, and it sounds like you have somewhere inside you at least a semblence of a desire to not use. You seem to know your triggers (certain movies, friends who use/drink, ...) so you have insight into this cycle. For what it's worth, I think you are starting to head down the right path you need for your recovery.
For you, I think the good news is that you have insight into what the drugs are doing to your life, and it sounds like you have somewhere inside you at least a semblence of a desire to not use. You seem to know your triggers (certain movies, friends who use/drink, ...) so you have insight into this cycle. For what it's worth, I think you are starting to head down the right path you need for your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Never, ever give up. You have a rough road ahead of you but we are all here to help. Many of us have been through the roller coaster way too many times. Some of us have hit bottom and others got out before that. Regardless of where you are and what you're doing now... It's Not what you did last but rather what you do next that counts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 30
You are NOT pathetic.....I'm an addict and an alcoholic.....I have a simple rule: I don't go to places or put myself in situations where I will use or drink....yesterday was the Super Bowl...that meant NO parties, NO bars, and guess what...I woke up sober today....I am 65 days clean today
Go to a meeting and just listen.
It will change your mind and your life.
God Bless
Go to a meeting and just listen.
It will change your mind and your life.
God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 80
Thank you everyone. Feeling a little blah this morning. I threw out the crushed pills. I barely even remember writing this post but i am glad i did because otherwise i might have just pretended it didn't happen. Wish i could correct the spelling mistakes though lol
I woke with a slight urge to use but i am fighting it.
I woke with a slight urge to use but i am fighting it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 200
tgif,
You are not pathetic, you are a human being with a medical disease. Do not beat yourself up, it tends to lead to that vicious cycle of doing the drugs, feeling like crap for doing the drugs and then doing the drugs to stop feeling like crap, then feeling like crap for doing the drugs, then back to the drugs to cover up the shame, etc, etc, etc!
Just keep getting back up. No matter how many times you fall, each time you get back up, you are a success. Do you have a Big Book? Maybe spend some time today reading some literature or finding a daily devotional online.
Thanks for your honesty, I am proud of you and know you can do this!!
~Pandie
You are not pathetic, you are a human being with a medical disease. Do not beat yourself up, it tends to lead to that vicious cycle of doing the drugs, feeling like crap for doing the drugs and then doing the drugs to stop feeling like crap, then feeling like crap for doing the drugs, then back to the drugs to cover up the shame, etc, etc, etc!
Just keep getting back up. No matter how many times you fall, each time you get back up, you are a success. Do you have a Big Book? Maybe spend some time today reading some literature or finding a daily devotional online.
Thanks for your honesty, I am proud of you and know you can do this!!
~Pandie
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
The thoughts of using come to many of us frequently during early recovery. These thoughts can seem so real that we can almost taste the stuff. Some addicts even fantasize themselves to there next fix.
We must accept that using thoughts are common to us and realize that we are not alone or unique when we experience them. It is quite normal for such thoughts to come especially during emotional crises. Some say that the time to worry would be when this did not happen.
Arguments, the death of a loved one, losing a job, separation, divorce, guilt are some of the more recognizable situations that seem to trigger these thoughts. Many recovering addicts share that sometimes they have these thoughts simply because they heard a familiar song on the radio, a blizzard hit town, or they ran into an old friend. We may find ourselves on dangerous ground because we find that our reservations actually increased our desire to use.
Many have relapsed not realizing that this selective fantasizing is what took them out. Even if we do not use, we can still give our addiction power. Becoming obsessed with relationships, gambling, food, work, perfectionism, adrenaline addiction, danger highs, stealing, road rage, abuse, manipulating others, lying, or buying things to make us feel better robs us of our strength.
We must face the truth. If we do not surrender and renew our commitment to recovery, we will be lost. The disease of addiction rules through fear and deception. We become convinced that we are alone and that the only answers lie in escape, manipulation and control.
Giving up the burden of our secrets is essential to ongoing recovery. Looking within, we find many unfamiliar emotions. We must feel and work through these emotions, we have to grieve and rejoice or cry and laugh.
Working the Steps, we write about the situation, how we feel, how things came to be, what it looks like and how we would like to see it resolved. It may take quite some time before we feel ‘back to normal.’ Maintaining close ties with our sponsor and home group during this phase of recovery is invaluable.
Let me put this out there. It has also been my experience to know and meet other addicts who have found alternative methods to/for recovery and some of them have been very successful. So, I am aware that NA is the only way, other options are available. I truly believe that it all boils down to how bad you want it and what you're willing to do to get it.
You know, at one time I thought that clean time equaled recovery. Today, I understand completely that recovery cannot exist without abstinence. However, it took a relapse after being clean and sober for twelve years, and 3 years of active addiction for me to understand that before my relapse I was not in recovery simply because I was no longer doing drugs.
Peace.
TB
We must accept that using thoughts are common to us and realize that we are not alone or unique when we experience them. It is quite normal for such thoughts to come especially during emotional crises. Some say that the time to worry would be when this did not happen.
Arguments, the death of a loved one, losing a job, separation, divorce, guilt are some of the more recognizable situations that seem to trigger these thoughts. Many recovering addicts share that sometimes they have these thoughts simply because they heard a familiar song on the radio, a blizzard hit town, or they ran into an old friend. We may find ourselves on dangerous ground because we find that our reservations actually increased our desire to use.
Many have relapsed not realizing that this selective fantasizing is what took them out. Even if we do not use, we can still give our addiction power. Becoming obsessed with relationships, gambling, food, work, perfectionism, adrenaline addiction, danger highs, stealing, road rage, abuse, manipulating others, lying, or buying things to make us feel better robs us of our strength.
We must face the truth. If we do not surrender and renew our commitment to recovery, we will be lost. The disease of addiction rules through fear and deception. We become convinced that we are alone and that the only answers lie in escape, manipulation and control.
Giving up the burden of our secrets is essential to ongoing recovery. Looking within, we find many unfamiliar emotions. We must feel and work through these emotions, we have to grieve and rejoice or cry and laugh.
Working the Steps, we write about the situation, how we feel, how things came to be, what it looks like and how we would like to see it resolved. It may take quite some time before we feel ‘back to normal.’ Maintaining close ties with our sponsor and home group during this phase of recovery is invaluable.
Let me put this out there. It has also been my experience to know and meet other addicts who have found alternative methods to/for recovery and some of them have been very successful. So, I am aware that NA is the only way, other options are available. I truly believe that it all boils down to how bad you want it and what you're willing to do to get it.
You know, at one time I thought that clean time equaled recovery. Today, I understand completely that recovery cannot exist without abstinence. However, it took a relapse after being clean and sober for twelve years, and 3 years of active addiction for me to understand that before my relapse I was not in recovery simply because I was no longer doing drugs.
Peace.
TB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: California
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by trishe 
Tgif,
We are all going through the same thing so don't feel that way. I'm impressed you had the strength to throw out the crushed pills. I'm at the point where I wouldn't have the strength to do even that.
We are all going through the same thing so don't feel that way. I'm impressed you had the strength to throw out the crushed pills. I'm at the point where I wouldn't have the strength to do even that.
I woke up this morning NOT feeling ill for the first time in ages and it was nice not waking needing pills (or simply wanting them out of habit) just to get going. The physical part is ok so far thanks to the sub, its the emotional and mental part I need to work on now which has always been the hardest part for me. Don't beat yourself up too badly, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trying. Today is another new day and as long as you're still trying, as I tell myself, then we haven't entirely given up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by trishe
Tgif,
We are all going through the same thing so don't feel that way. I'm impressed you had the strength to throw out the crushed pills. I'm at the point where I wouldn't have the strength to do even that.
We are all going through the same thing so don't feel that way. I'm impressed you had the strength to throw out the crushed pills. I'm at the point where I wouldn't have the strength to do even that.
I sent out a text earlier telling my wife i am done with the drinking. It starts me off wanting to do all the pills. She doesn't know about me sneaking the pills. I act pissed when she offers them to me but then i sneak and get them from where i have them hidden. She agreed to stop drinking too. I think she likes the idea of us being drunk but not the reality when i am refusing to go to bed until i have drank everything in sight.
New day, new attempt at this. I've been here many times and my original post was under the influence. I feel guilty today but not really pathetic, just disappointed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: California
Posts: 60
Like you, I have the same struggle with having pills in the house, my husband needs them for pain management. He doesn't have an issue with them the way I do meaning he's not an addict. I have to do everything in my power to forget they are there because I was sneaking and stealing and lying too which made me ashamed, disappointed, hating myself and it had to stop.
Sounds like you're on the right track now though, and we all have to start somewhere
A lot of it for me was getting to the point mentally where I have to be ready, felt strong enough to say enough! and then do everything I can to back it up, whatever steps it takes. It is not always easy, some days it is very, very hard and I struggle. Last week was rough. This week is a new week though, so I have to stop feeling guilty over yesterday and do the right thing now. I can't fix the past, I can only control my future.
Sounds like you're on the right track now though, and we all have to start somewhere
A lot of it for me was getting to the point mentally where I have to be ready, felt strong enough to say enough! and then do everything I can to back it up, whatever steps it takes. It is not always easy, some days it is very, very hard and I struggle. Last week was rough. This week is a new week though, so I have to stop feeling guilty over yesterday and do the right thing now. I can't fix the past, I can only control my future.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: The Great White North
Posts: 448
Hi Tgif! How are you doing? I am thinking about you today and hoping that all is well.
Your story reminds me of my youngest sister and her husband. Substitute alcoholism for pill addiction and 'wala'.. My sister's husband decided he would drink only in moderation after a health scare. But my sister is a raging alcoholic. So is her husband but he does seem able to keep a clearer head.
All they did when she drank when he didn't was fight. And I don't blame him. She gets ridiculous drunk and passes out pretty much every evening (with a black- out of it the next day)
Well, as you probably guessed, it doesn't work. Her husband was so sick of her it was either leave her or join her. He joined her and now the two of them drink to oblivion most nights.
I KNOW I couldn't have quit oxy if there had been any in my house, if fact any, anything. I don't know what the answer is but I think you need to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart- with your wife and let her know what's really going on. Maybe she will get on board with you. Especially since you have a child to raise.
My thoughts of best wishes and happiness are coming at you today. Take Care and remember We Care!
...Ruby...
Your story reminds me of my youngest sister and her husband. Substitute alcoholism for pill addiction and 'wala'.. My sister's husband decided he would drink only in moderation after a health scare. But my sister is a raging alcoholic. So is her husband but he does seem able to keep a clearer head.
All they did when she drank when he didn't was fight. And I don't blame him. She gets ridiculous drunk and passes out pretty much every evening (with a black- out of it the next day)
Well, as you probably guessed, it doesn't work. Her husband was so sick of her it was either leave her or join her. He joined her and now the two of them drink to oblivion most nights.
I KNOW I couldn't have quit oxy if there had been any in my house, if fact any, anything. I don't know what the answer is but I think you need to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart- with your wife and let her know what's really going on. Maybe she will get on board with you. Especially since you have a child to raise.
My thoughts of best wishes and happiness are coming at you today. Take Care and remember We Care!
...Ruby...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: California
Posts: 60
Sorry to hear you're down with the creeping crud T 
but hang in there... it is almost there, the weekly TGIF so take care of yourself as best you can in every way possible -you deserve it and you CAN do it!
And look at that, have I almost made it a whole week?! I said I would and so far I really truly am. yay! If I can do it with the stuff in my house after the hell on wheels that has been most of this week, then I really truly believe we all can if we really want to. It's the getting there that's the hard part. Staying there is sometimes hard too, but I'm starting to believe it gets easier, and it can really happen and actually stay that way.
This place is a godsend you guys, truly. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your acceptance and kindness. Some of us don't have a lot of support "on the outside" so I am grateful that even if I have nothing to say, just want to listen to others interact, just knowing someone else out there is struggling too, or has been before, or maybe still is, or might be soon- whatever however- it helps just knowing this little corner of the world exists with so many wonderful people who DO understand and don't judge, wow, it really makes all the difference in my world. I wish I'd found this place a lot sooner but I guess better late than never eh? I figure as long as I'm still here willing to try no matter what, no matter how many times I struggle or how hard it gets, as long as I keep trying then it's never really too late. For anyone!
but hang in there... it is almost there, the weekly TGIF so take care of yourself as best you can in every way possible -you deserve it and you CAN do it! And look at that, have I almost made it a whole week?! I said I would and so far I really truly am. yay! If I can do it with the stuff in my house after the hell on wheels that has been most of this week, then I really truly believe we all can if we really want to. It's the getting there that's the hard part. Staying there is sometimes hard too, but I'm starting to believe it gets easier, and it can really happen and actually stay that way.
This place is a godsend you guys, truly. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your acceptance and kindness. Some of us don't have a lot of support "on the outside" so I am grateful that even if I have nothing to say, just want to listen to others interact, just knowing someone else out there is struggling too, or has been before, or maybe still is, or might be soon- whatever however- it helps just knowing this little corner of the world exists with so many wonderful people who DO understand and don't judge, wow, it really makes all the difference in my world. I wish I'd found this place a lot sooner but I guess better late than never eh? I figure as long as I'm still here willing to try no matter what, no matter how many times I struggle or how hard it gets, as long as I keep trying then it's never really too late. For anyone!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 379
Please don't beat yourself up...sometimes relapse is a part of the disease. The important thing is that you are conscious of your actions and are concerned about old habits taking over. I find as time goes by I have had to change some of my old habits and pastimes to remove temptation. Keep posting – I have found that sharing honestly and not isolating are two of the best things to keep us in check.
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