new, scared, is this day one? half a day? (repost)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: California
Posts: 60
new, scared, is this day one? half a day? (repost)
I probably should have posted this here to start with because techically this is where it belongs, subject-wise..... but I'm new and still finding my way around 
Hi, I'm new and I guess this technically is my 2nd post. I'm an opiate addict who is trying to stop again. I've gone on and off the past two or three years, I'm not even sure how long anymore, honestly. I was a weekend warrior with pills who got in over her head (oxy, opana, morphine, vicodin/norco, anything I or anyone else could get). My last was a half 40mg Opana this morning, after the half I did last night to make the jittery sweating go away so I could sleep, and then get up again and function.
Now the sweats are starting since it's been over 8 hours since I had anything: the jitters, the anxiety, the fear, the panic, the overwhelming sense of I just need to do something to calm it all out and get through the day without using anything. The hoping I don't cry at work and start getting really sick before I can go home. I hope I can make it. If I do, then what happens when I get home? Can I stay strong? What if I don't? What do I do?
(When I orignally posted this I was feeling the effects since I usually do a lot more than this on a much shorter time frame, like not making it 8 hours even, but I don't have more so I had to ration. It doesn't sound like much until I researched how strong the stuff is (Opana) and when I had more, like last week, I'd do more. Self-control out the window. Today I went a whole work day without running off to the bathroom to use, so I guess I should pat myself on the back for that alone.)
My struggle is also with my husband. He is disabled with a back injury who has had 3-4 major surgeries and he is prescribed pain pills, all the things I'm trying to stay away from are in our house 24/7. We have friends who use, and are in our house doing it. I can usually stay away from it all if I'm feeling strong enough that day, but there are many days I'm not and it starts all over again... I need to find a better way. I need to not feel so alone. I need to be stronger and fight it, but up until now I don’t feel anyone understands and I’ve got no support of anyone who knows what I’m dealing with. My parents, my work, most of my friends don’t know about this, the ones I have left anyway.
Hubby does not abuse like I do and when we met, I didn't do anything. He does however, do things like coke from time to time, but has better willpower than I do. I got carried away after "experimenting" and went from weekend warrior to needing them or risk getting sick, and then just to cope with a lot of family issues and my ongoing depression (which I've always had, long before the pills). He would sometimes share his stuff with me when I was getting sick or we were partying or whatever. Then the next day he'd say no, you shouldn't be doing this and cut me off. It was and still is a rollercoaster that way. It got to the point I didn't know if I could make it or not, or if I was going to get anything or not, so I started stealing his pills and I feel horrible. Absolutely awful; he needs them and I don't, but it didn't stop me. It was like I was sleepwalking; I did it without thinking just to make the WDs stop and feel “normal” even though I know it isn’t really normal. I didn't do it every day (like it matters) and never took his enough to jeopardize what he needs for actual pain, but did it more often than I should have.
He knows I have a problem, he wants me off the stuff; he is the one who got me to go to the suboxone doctor. He feels like my problem is his fault when it's not. He didn't make me do it. I did this to myself and I keep telling him that. I did fine my first few months of suboxone and was so excited that something worked, at first. Then I fell off the wagon due to being around the stuff in my house, our using friends, not being strong enough to say no, not liking suboxone so I went back and forth and now need to try and stop for good.
I should take my suboxone and hope it's enough until I can see my doctor again, and admit I fell off the wagon, and hope taking it today doesn’t send me into WD’s because I’m taking it too close to my opiates. They cut back my last dosage becasue I was doing better, but then we went out of town, partied too much, I fell off the wagon again and supplemented with pills, so the lower dosage now doesn't seem to be enough. Suboxone worked at first, but I hate the taste of it and have a hard time staying on track with it, and I don't like how I feel on that either, like a zombie. I know it's supposed to help but I'm not sure it does because I feel like the more I focus on the suboxone, the more it just reminds me of what I'm NOT supposed to be doing that I really want to do. Does that make sense? Like "don't think of a pink elephant" Now that's all you can think.
He's afraid of me going to NA; he fears I will meet someone and leave him (because how else do I get away from it all? even I don't know and it terrifies me) and neither of us goes for the God stuff they talk about. (I know it’s' "spiritual" but still, I grew up being forced into born-again Christianity and have issues after bad experiences with it). I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have to choose between him and our friends and my getting better, but I remember at one point I wasn’t like this, even though they were the same. Why can’t I get back to that?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening to my rambling. I'm trying to muddle my way through this, and figure I have to start somewhere right?
Hi, I'm new and I guess this technically is my 2nd post. I'm an opiate addict who is trying to stop again. I've gone on and off the past two or three years, I'm not even sure how long anymore, honestly. I was a weekend warrior with pills who got in over her head (oxy, opana, morphine, vicodin/norco, anything I or anyone else could get). My last was a half 40mg Opana this morning, after the half I did last night to make the jittery sweating go away so I could sleep, and then get up again and function.
Now the sweats are starting since it's been over 8 hours since I had anything: the jitters, the anxiety, the fear, the panic, the overwhelming sense of I just need to do something to calm it all out and get through the day without using anything. The hoping I don't cry at work and start getting really sick before I can go home. I hope I can make it. If I do, then what happens when I get home? Can I stay strong? What if I don't? What do I do?
(When I orignally posted this I was feeling the effects since I usually do a lot more than this on a much shorter time frame, like not making it 8 hours even, but I don't have more so I had to ration. It doesn't sound like much until I researched how strong the stuff is (Opana) and when I had more, like last week, I'd do more. Self-control out the window. Today I went a whole work day without running off to the bathroom to use, so I guess I should pat myself on the back for that alone.)
My struggle is also with my husband. He is disabled with a back injury who has had 3-4 major surgeries and he is prescribed pain pills, all the things I'm trying to stay away from are in our house 24/7. We have friends who use, and are in our house doing it. I can usually stay away from it all if I'm feeling strong enough that day, but there are many days I'm not and it starts all over again... I need to find a better way. I need to not feel so alone. I need to be stronger and fight it, but up until now I don’t feel anyone understands and I’ve got no support of anyone who knows what I’m dealing with. My parents, my work, most of my friends don’t know about this, the ones I have left anyway.
Hubby does not abuse like I do and when we met, I didn't do anything. He does however, do things like coke from time to time, but has better willpower than I do. I got carried away after "experimenting" and went from weekend warrior to needing them or risk getting sick, and then just to cope with a lot of family issues and my ongoing depression (which I've always had, long before the pills). He would sometimes share his stuff with me when I was getting sick or we were partying or whatever. Then the next day he'd say no, you shouldn't be doing this and cut me off. It was and still is a rollercoaster that way. It got to the point I didn't know if I could make it or not, or if I was going to get anything or not, so I started stealing his pills and I feel horrible. Absolutely awful; he needs them and I don't, but it didn't stop me. It was like I was sleepwalking; I did it without thinking just to make the WDs stop and feel “normal” even though I know it isn’t really normal. I didn't do it every day (like it matters) and never took his enough to jeopardize what he needs for actual pain, but did it more often than I should have.
He knows I have a problem, he wants me off the stuff; he is the one who got me to go to the suboxone doctor. He feels like my problem is his fault when it's not. He didn't make me do it. I did this to myself and I keep telling him that. I did fine my first few months of suboxone and was so excited that something worked, at first. Then I fell off the wagon due to being around the stuff in my house, our using friends, not being strong enough to say no, not liking suboxone so I went back and forth and now need to try and stop for good.
I should take my suboxone and hope it's enough until I can see my doctor again, and admit I fell off the wagon, and hope taking it today doesn’t send me into WD’s because I’m taking it too close to my opiates. They cut back my last dosage becasue I was doing better, but then we went out of town, partied too much, I fell off the wagon again and supplemented with pills, so the lower dosage now doesn't seem to be enough. Suboxone worked at first, but I hate the taste of it and have a hard time staying on track with it, and I don't like how I feel on that either, like a zombie. I know it's supposed to help but I'm not sure it does because I feel like the more I focus on the suboxone, the more it just reminds me of what I'm NOT supposed to be doing that I really want to do. Does that make sense? Like "don't think of a pink elephant" Now that's all you can think.
He's afraid of me going to NA; he fears I will meet someone and leave him (because how else do I get away from it all? even I don't know and it terrifies me) and neither of us goes for the God stuff they talk about. (I know it’s' "spiritual" but still, I grew up being forced into born-again Christianity and have issues after bad experiences with it). I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have to choose between him and our friends and my getting better, but I remember at one point I wasn’t like this, even though they were the same. Why can’t I get back to that?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening to my rambling. I'm trying to muddle my way through this, and figure I have to start somewhere right?
Do or do not. There is no try.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
NWG-
I am here to tell you that you arent alone. I have experience many of the same issues you described above. I am also here to tell you that I could not do this (get/stay sober) alone. I came here to this site in my first day of withdrawal just like you are doing now, and someone very wise told me to quit thinking, and get up and go to a meeting right now. AA/NA, whatever. Just go. Throw out all your fears, worries, any BS you have heard, and give it a try. You really have nothing to lose by going, and everything to lose by not doing something to urgently help you get better. Tell your husband you need to do this, or maybe even ask him to come with you as support.
And a word on god. Dont worry about that at all right now. The 12 steps can be worked and lived without believing in "God". I am an agnostic who has stayed sober thanks to the 12 steps and its fellowship for nearly 4 years. It is an absolute miracle, one I hope you do not miss.
And please keep posting here. This place saves lives.
I am here to tell you that you arent alone. I have experience many of the same issues you described above. I am also here to tell you that I could not do this (get/stay sober) alone. I came here to this site in my first day of withdrawal just like you are doing now, and someone very wise told me to quit thinking, and get up and go to a meeting right now. AA/NA, whatever. Just go. Throw out all your fears, worries, any BS you have heard, and give it a try. You really have nothing to lose by going, and everything to lose by not doing something to urgently help you get better. Tell your husband you need to do this, or maybe even ask him to come with you as support.
And a word on god. Dont worry about that at all right now. The 12 steps can be worked and lived without believing in "God". I am an agnostic who has stayed sober thanks to the 12 steps and its fellowship for nearly 4 years. It is an absolute miracle, one I hope you do not miss.
And please keep posting here. This place saves lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: California
Posts: 60
Thank you again, this place is extremely helpful. I'm trying something different this time though, with you guys as support, my husband monitoring me and taking it slow by tapering (both the suboxone and pills). I did okay last night and so far this morning but I know it's ONLY b/c I'm taking small amounts to maintain. I know it's not an optimal solution, but I absolutely cannot take any more time off work, having used all my time all over the past few months for this reason. I can't risk my job while hubby is still on disability. (But last night he told me he plans to finish his online classes for his degree, so that gives me incentive to do what I need to as well.)
Good news and scary news: my sub doctor just called and has me scheduled for an appt tomorrow afternoon *gulp* for a follow-up to discuss my progress and join their women's group (my first one, eek). I got off schedule after when my grandmother died last month and have to get back on. I told them it's been rough so hopefully they won't lecture me too badly because this is NOT easy (as you all know, especially when your envirionment plays such a huge part; something I can't do anything about except try to stay strong and separate from it as much as possible) but I figure that's why I'm going, I still need help. They have to know how it goes- they deal with addicts all the time. That's what they do. At least I'm coming back right? I've always gone voluntarily after my husband asked me to and they know this.
Maybe the women's group will give me support in a way I haven't had yet, and the added incentive to not take anything today or tomorrow knowing I'll be tested. Hopefully I can do it. I'm sure what I did earlier this week will show up so I'll have to suck it up and explain that I fell off the wagon big time last month and because of my stupidity, the lower dose of sub they put me on to taper off that wasn't enough to keep me from getting sick. I ran out and had to supplement with pills to function and get myself to work the past two weeks. They can't refill without seeing me, and we'd been playing phone tag for over a week until today so thank goodness they finally called.
So, wish me luck? I'm nervous about going in admitting defeat as well as going to a group for the first time. I just hope they do realize I *am* trying or I woudn't be going but I have to do what I can; I don't have a lot of other options right now. I was doing so well when I first started the program last year but this past few months, December especially, got the best of me. I got off track and feel like now I'm not the one they thought would make it, but just another disappointment for them ) *sigh*
Good news and scary news: my sub doctor just called and has me scheduled for an appt tomorrow afternoon *gulp* for a follow-up to discuss my progress and join their women's group (my first one, eek). I got off schedule after when my grandmother died last month and have to get back on. I told them it's been rough so hopefully they won't lecture me too badly because this is NOT easy (as you all know, especially when your envirionment plays such a huge part; something I can't do anything about except try to stay strong and separate from it as much as possible) but I figure that's why I'm going, I still need help. They have to know how it goes- they deal with addicts all the time. That's what they do. At least I'm coming back right? I've always gone voluntarily after my husband asked me to and they know this.
Maybe the women's group will give me support in a way I haven't had yet, and the added incentive to not take anything today or tomorrow knowing I'll be tested. Hopefully I can do it. I'm sure what I did earlier this week will show up so I'll have to suck it up and explain that I fell off the wagon big time last month and because of my stupidity, the lower dose of sub they put me on to taper off that wasn't enough to keep me from getting sick. I ran out and had to supplement with pills to function and get myself to work the past two weeks. They can't refill without seeing me, and we'd been playing phone tag for over a week until today so thank goodness they finally called.
So, wish me luck? I'm nervous about going in admitting defeat as well as going to a group for the first time. I just hope they do realize I *am* trying or I woudn't be going but I have to do what I can; I don't have a lot of other options right now. I was doing so well when I first started the program last year but this past few months, December especially, got the best of me. I got off track and feel like now I'm not the one they thought would make it, but just another disappointment for them ) *sigh*
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