I'm back and I REALLY can't do this anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 147
I'm back and I REALLY can't do this anymore
Hi Everyone,
It has been awhile since I have posted. The holidays got crazy and I just didn't have much time to get on here and keep up with everyone. And of course, I felt guilty as h*ll because I went back. Of course it started out innocentely enough... a couple pills here and there. But we all know where that leads, and it is never good. Fast forward a couple of weeks from my 'dabbelling' and then my back really did go out. Servere pain that was traveling down my right leg. I could barely move, pick up my son or get anything done. And I am a single mom, so there is no one here to help. I justified going to my doctor and getting another prescription for some pain pills, cause hey, I was in pain and needed to be able to function. My plan was to take them as prescribed... well of course, for an addict like me, that is immpossible. I blew through an insane amount of pills in one week. When that week was up, of course I felt miserable. This is it, this has to be the last time. All of this is destroying my relationships with my family and friends. Not to mention that my son deserves something better than a mom that is always high on pain pills and then can't take care of him when she runs out. I've had enough of this, my family has had enough. My mom tells me that this is the last time. If I start up again, she is cutting me out of her life, and not helping me anymore when I feel sick because I am going through w/d's. Any advice, support, anything would be so helpful right now. I am currently on day 3 - I could finally get moving enough to plug in the labtop and get on here, be honest and take whatever I could get. I need it right now.
It has been awhile since I have posted. The holidays got crazy and I just didn't have much time to get on here and keep up with everyone. And of course, I felt guilty as h*ll because I went back. Of course it started out innocentely enough... a couple pills here and there. But we all know where that leads, and it is never good. Fast forward a couple of weeks from my 'dabbelling' and then my back really did go out. Servere pain that was traveling down my right leg. I could barely move, pick up my son or get anything done. And I am a single mom, so there is no one here to help. I justified going to my doctor and getting another prescription for some pain pills, cause hey, I was in pain and needed to be able to function. My plan was to take them as prescribed... well of course, for an addict like me, that is immpossible. I blew through an insane amount of pills in one week. When that week was up, of course I felt miserable. This is it, this has to be the last time. All of this is destroying my relationships with my family and friends. Not to mention that my son deserves something better than a mom that is always high on pain pills and then can't take care of him when she runs out. I've had enough of this, my family has had enough. My mom tells me that this is the last time. If I start up again, she is cutting me out of her life, and not helping me anymore when I feel sick because I am going through w/d's. Any advice, support, anything would be so helpful right now. I am currently on day 3 - I could finally get moving enough to plug in the labtop and get on here, be honest and take whatever I could get. I need it right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi heyitsme,
I don't remember your whole story from before, but let me start by telling you that most of us have done exactly what you just got done doing. If you talk to anyone who has been off opiates for a really long time -- I mean years, not weeks or even months -- mostly you'll hear stories of false starts in recovery.
When you say you "went back", you really were never away. Last year, you gave it a shot, and it didn't last. You tried, probably got over confident like a lot of us did, thinking you could "manage" your pain medication. Hell, I did that over and over and over again in 2010, before I finally quit at the end of 2010.
I don't dare tempt fate. Like a lot of others here, I am not unique in saying that I have had pain many times since I quit that I would ordinarily have used oxycodone to "treat", at least after I found out what oxycodone was and how good it works at first. You know the drill -- ALL pain is too much pain while you are using, and you know how to fix it right away. The pain in your right leg was probably real enough, but in years past before you ever knew about opiates, you probably would have taken some Motrin and called it good.
It's hard raising little kids, especially alone. You never get any rest, and you rarely get any thanks. But right now, that's the priority system in your life, because it has to be. You know you can't parent appropriately while taking oxys, despite how well you think you do while taking them.
Please don't kick yourself to death over this. You learned -- again -- that oxys don't work to fix your life, and they soon control it. Let your mom be mad. You probably have a relationship with her where that is not a bad thing. But don't beat up on yourself. Do NOT call yourself "weak", or "bad", or any of the things you probably are calling yourself.
You are a strong woman, and you are a good mom. You can move forward from this relapse and put it behind you. Make this time the last one, and really BE a non-opiate-user, once and for all.
I don't remember your whole story from before, but let me start by telling you that most of us have done exactly what you just got done doing. If you talk to anyone who has been off opiates for a really long time -- I mean years, not weeks or even months -- mostly you'll hear stories of false starts in recovery.
When you say you "went back", you really were never away. Last year, you gave it a shot, and it didn't last. You tried, probably got over confident like a lot of us did, thinking you could "manage" your pain medication. Hell, I did that over and over and over again in 2010, before I finally quit at the end of 2010.
I don't dare tempt fate. Like a lot of others here, I am not unique in saying that I have had pain many times since I quit that I would ordinarily have used oxycodone to "treat", at least after I found out what oxycodone was and how good it works at first. You know the drill -- ALL pain is too much pain while you are using, and you know how to fix it right away. The pain in your right leg was probably real enough, but in years past before you ever knew about opiates, you probably would have taken some Motrin and called it good.
It's hard raising little kids, especially alone. You never get any rest, and you rarely get any thanks. But right now, that's the priority system in your life, because it has to be. You know you can't parent appropriately while taking oxys, despite how well you think you do while taking them.
Please don't kick yourself to death over this. You learned -- again -- that oxys don't work to fix your life, and they soon control it. Let your mom be mad. You probably have a relationship with her where that is not a bad thing. But don't beat up on yourself. Do NOT call yourself "weak", or "bad", or any of the things you probably are calling yourself.
You are a strong woman, and you are a good mom. You can move forward from this relapse and put it behind you. Make this time the last one, and really BE a non-opiate-user, once and for all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
Do not despair as most of us on SR have had our own relapses. It is part of the process. The good news is that you are back - 
and committed once again to recovery success. There are a lot of great posts out here on how to best get through the w/d's from opiates. It is not easy, but worth it in the long run. I have a year under my belt now and although that addict voice still rears its devilish head now and then, all and all I am back to the person I was about 20 years ago, at least mentally. However, I am 58 and wish I had taken the firm step years ago instead of riding the roller coaster of stopping and starting again, but never committing to recovery. Physically, I am fairly OK, having past all tests for surgery recently (liver OK, BP Ok, heart, kidney, etc. OK, etc.) Honestly, I was scared when they had to do the tests pre-surgery in that I had not been tested for all of this in years and thought I may have liver damage. I used tylenol type opiates (Codeine w Tylenol, Lortab, Percocets, etc.) on and off for a long time. I feel the grace of God was with me and am thankful everyday for all I have.
Keep posting and keep up the good fight - we are with you.
and committed once again to recovery success. There are a lot of great posts out here on how to best get through the w/d's from opiates. It is not easy, but worth it in the long run. I have a year under my belt now and although that addict voice still rears its devilish head now and then, all and all I am back to the person I was about 20 years ago, at least mentally. However, I am 58 and wish I had taken the firm step years ago instead of riding the roller coaster of stopping and starting again, but never committing to recovery. Physically, I am fairly OK, having past all tests for surgery recently (liver OK, BP Ok, heart, kidney, etc. OK, etc.) Honestly, I was scared when they had to do the tests pre-surgery in that I had not been tested for all of this in years and thought I may have liver damage. I used tylenol type opiates (Codeine w Tylenol, Lortab, Percocets, etc.) on and off for a long time. I feel the grace of God was with me and am thankful everyday for all I have.Keep posting and keep up the good fight - we are with you.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Heyitsme,
Welcome back! I too have relapsed w/ opiates. I am learning new coping skills to not go back and staying vigilant w/ my recovery.
The crappy feeling will pass, you can do this, keep on posting!
Lily
Welcome back! I too have relapsed w/ opiates. I am learning new coping skills to not go back and staying vigilant w/ my recovery.
The crappy feeling will pass, you can do this, keep on posting!
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 147
Thanks everyone for your replies!! It has been a roller coaster of a ride. One that I am ready to get off of, it just isn't fun anymore. My family and friends tell me that I become such a different person when I take the oxy. I because distant, irritable and most often than not, I just want to be left alone!! I know that the back pain that I had this last time was legitament... it felt exactly like the same pain that I had when I had a herniated disk 10 years ago and ended up with surgery. Either way. I know that in the future, even with severe back pain, I cannot give in to the temptation. Ibuprofen and the occasional muscle relaxer are all I will be taking.
I was so scared to come back on here and admit what had happened. I don't know why though. I viewed myself as a failure, and I keep asking myself WHY can't I stay off of this stuff, even when I know that nothing good comes from it! But I want to say thank you for your support and not judging me. I knew that I wouldn't be judged, but maybe I just felt that way because I was judging myself so harshly.
So I am back at the beginning. As mentioned, I am on day 3 -- and I know that better days are around the corner. I did manage to throw the dirty dishes in the dishwasher today and fold about 10 loads of laundry. So I guess it is not all a lost cause. My mom has agreed to keep my son for the night so I can rest and hopefully have a little bit more energy to take care of him tomorrow.
As the days go by -- I am sure that I will jump back into my old thread that I used to post on, on a regular basis. I miss the people in that thread and I am excited to catch up on what is going on.
Once again, thanks so much for your support! It means more to me than you could ever know!
I was so scared to come back on here and admit what had happened. I don't know why though. I viewed myself as a failure, and I keep asking myself WHY can't I stay off of this stuff, even when I know that nothing good comes from it! But I want to say thank you for your support and not judging me. I knew that I wouldn't be judged, but maybe I just felt that way because I was judging myself so harshly.
So I am back at the beginning. As mentioned, I am on day 3 -- and I know that better days are around the corner. I did manage to throw the dirty dishes in the dishwasher today and fold about 10 loads of laundry. So I guess it is not all a lost cause. My mom has agreed to keep my son for the night so I can rest and hopefully have a little bit more energy to take care of him tomorrow.
As the days go by -- I am sure that I will jump back into my old thread that I used to post on, on a regular basis. I miss the people in that thread and I am excited to catch up on what is going on.
Once again, thanks so much for your support! It means more to me than you could ever know!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 147
Hi Dizzy!! It is so nice to hear from you. I have thought of you often during my abstince from this site. I am happy to see that you are still here and making it through! What about Rinky? I have thought of her as well... is she still around? You two were always such a great support the first time around, and I looking forward to it this time as well. 
I also wonder about GravyDave and Cassandra. We were all in similar places last time I was on this forum and I wonder if they still post occassionally and how they are doing. If you guys are out there, please let me know!! You are thought of and I hope that you have done better than I in beating this awful drug!
Today is day 4 and I am feeling somewhat OK. Granted I just woke up and I don't have my little one demanding my attention and energy... I'm sure that helps!! I have to get ready and leave to go and retrieve him shortly. Hopefully I can handle it!
FT - Just wanted to get a quick shout out to you as well. You helped me so much with your words of wisdom last time I went through this. I am looking forward to those words of wisdom again. I WANT/NEED this to be the last time I ever go through w/d's. In a couple of days from now when I can't sleep, and my back hurts... I know that you will be there to help talk to down off the ledge, lol!! Thanks to all and all you do! This place can be a lifesaver!
I also wonder about GravyDave and Cassandra. We were all in similar places last time I was on this forum and I wonder if they still post occassionally and how they are doing. If you guys are out there, please let me know!! You are thought of and I hope that you have done better than I in beating this awful drug!
Today is day 4 and I am feeling somewhat OK. Granted I just woke up and I don't have my little one demanding my attention and energy... I'm sure that helps!! I have to get ready and leave to go and retrieve him shortly. Hopefully I can handle it!
FT - Just wanted to get a quick shout out to you as well. You helped me so much with your words of wisdom last time I went through this. I am looking forward to those words of wisdom again. I WANT/NEED this to be the last time I ever go through w/d's. In a couple of days from now when I can't sleep, and my back hurts... I know that you will be there to help talk to down off the ledge, lol!! Thanks to all and all you do! This place can be a lifesaver!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 157
Hi heyitsme! I'm still around. I'm not sure exactly how many days I've been clean, but my quit date was November 27th. I have my ups and downs. Some days I don't even think about the pills, and other days I do. I know I'm still early in my recovery and I still have a long road ahead of me. Just take it one day at a time. Don't be too hard on yourself. I can't even tell you how many times I've relapsed in the past. Just take it one day at a time. Welcome Back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Orlando, Fl
Posts: 300
Heyitsme: yes, I'm still hanging in there, about 4 months. It feels great to not be counting days anymore. I wish I could give you 2 of my months so you could get past the worst of it! I really would.
Rinky started her own group " user created social groups" called " rinkys addiction corner" something like that. Look her up, I'm sure she'd be happy to here from you.
I hope you get past the worst of the W/D soon and get a little further in recovery, you'll be like why didn't I do this sooner? It truley is a good feeling to wake up in the morning without scrounging for pills. And from what I hear in a couple more months I should feel great. So I still have that to look forward to.
You are in my prayers. I don't remember if you went to N/A meetings, but I can tell you they have helped me. The face to face contact was a big help for me.
Hugs
Rinky started her own group " user created social groups" called " rinkys addiction corner" something like that. Look her up, I'm sure she'd be happy to here from you.
I hope you get past the worst of the W/D soon and get a little further in recovery, you'll be like why didn't I do this sooner? It truley is a good feeling to wake up in the morning without scrounging for pills. And from what I hear in a couple more months I should feel great. So I still have that to look forward to.
You are in my prayers. I don't remember if you went to N/A meetings, but I can tell you they have helped me. The face to face contact was a big help for me.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 147
Hi Dizzy and Cassandra, I am so HAPPY that you are still here. dizzy - I know that you were much further into the process than I was when I first started. I am happy to hear that you have stayed strong!! I might need to rely on you in the upcoming days and weeks as I push through this!
Cassandra -- it is also great to hear that you made and are still keeping up the good fight! I know that some days will be better than others, it just comes down to resisting the temptation with in rears its ugly head. At this point, that has been my downfall. :-( I think that I get over confident a little after a week and think to myself a few pills won't hurt. Well... obviously, a few pills do hurt!! I am so tired of this vicious cycle over and over again. I know that I have said it before that I would not go back... but then I did. Legitiment pain or not, it just isn't worth it. I am so close to losing all of my support system if I can't get this under control. Something that would devistate me!! I don't attend NA meeting... maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I am not 100% clear on how I feel on that subject yet. Right now I am trying to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if necessary. I just know that this cycle has to end. A life of chasing pills, stealing pills, ect... is not a life worth living. I can't wait until I enjoy the normal things again, and when I can enjoy them without being high. You know, like housework. Not that I emjoy it, but it always was so much easier when I was high. It was also easier to deal with my son and his temper tantrums when I was high. They didn't really faze me. I guess that is what happens when you decide to numb yourself all of the time. I have to learn to be a better mom, have more patience when I don't have the pills.
On a different subject... this story has been haunting me for days. We had some significant snow fall in Portland (which for Portland, really isn't that much). But shortly after that it started pouring. Sad, sad story of a family that was leaving the grovery store and got swept up in the flooding, sucked into a culvert that was 800 feet long and came out on the other side of the parking lot. Witnesses tried to hold the car from being sucked in but couldn't. Some how the father and his five year old son made it out of the care, traveled through the culvert and came out on the other side alive. The mom and the 20 month old baby in the back seat did not make it. People were trying to break the windows to get them out, and the windows would not break. This story has haunted me for days since I heard it. It is such a random act... you go grocery shopping with your family, and then half of them die. I can't even believe what the survivors and family are going through. I think about it constantly and can't stop. So, so sad about it!!
Anyway, that is enough for my rant.
Hope everyone is doing good and taking care of themselves!!
Cassandra -- it is also great to hear that you made and are still keeping up the good fight! I know that some days will be better than others, it just comes down to resisting the temptation with in rears its ugly head. At this point, that has been my downfall. :-( I think that I get over confident a little after a week and think to myself a few pills won't hurt. Well... obviously, a few pills do hurt!! I am so tired of this vicious cycle over and over again. I know that I have said it before that I would not go back... but then I did. Legitiment pain or not, it just isn't worth it. I am so close to losing all of my support system if I can't get this under control. Something that would devistate me!! I don't attend NA meeting... maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I am not 100% clear on how I feel on that subject yet. Right now I am trying to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if necessary. I just know that this cycle has to end. A life of chasing pills, stealing pills, ect... is not a life worth living. I can't wait until I enjoy the normal things again, and when I can enjoy them without being high. You know, like housework. Not that I emjoy it, but it always was so much easier when I was high. It was also easier to deal with my son and his temper tantrums when I was high. They didn't really faze me. I guess that is what happens when you decide to numb yourself all of the time. I have to learn to be a better mom, have more patience when I don't have the pills.
On a different subject... this story has been haunting me for days. We had some significant snow fall in Portland (which for Portland, really isn't that much). But shortly after that it started pouring. Sad, sad story of a family that was leaving the grovery store and got swept up in the flooding, sucked into a culvert that was 800 feet long and came out on the other side of the parking lot. Witnesses tried to hold the car from being sucked in but couldn't. Some how the father and his five year old son made it out of the care, traveled through the culvert and came out on the other side alive. The mom and the 20 month old baby in the back seat did not make it. People were trying to break the windows to get them out, and the windows would not break. This story has haunted me for days since I heard it. It is such a random act... you go grocery shopping with your family, and then half of them die. I can't even believe what the survivors and family are going through. I think about it constantly and can't stop. So, so sad about it!!
Anyway, that is enough for my rant.
Hope everyone is doing good and taking care of themselves!!
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