Day 10
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Day 10
I must say what a roller coaster I have been on over the last 10 days. In some respects it seems like it has been months.
I have been doing so much work on myself and during this "work" have come to learn more about myself than ever.
There comes times in our lives when we all have to take that deep stair in front of the mirror. To see past our mere reflection and peer into our own soul.
For the first time in a very long time, I looked into mine. I saw the things I liked yet I saw the things I didn't as well.
During my journey I have laughed, yelled, pondered, and wept.
I know my mind is on the mend now because I have felt more raw emotion than ever before.
I look back at those days when I was downing the meds. Those days flew by without a worry in the world. I also remember those days when I felt nothing.
I sit here looking out the windows on a rainy day and can't help wonder what life has in store for me - Good or bad. As I sit and think of these things, my little kitty is curled up at my feet. She sleeps so contently as if nothing in her world could ever go wrong. Of course nothing will go wrong for her, she has the one person in this life that will never ever need or want for anything. I care for her so deeply just as I care for my wife and my friends.
When I dig deep, I realize that part of my addiction is because what I have given in life never really came back to me like I expected?
The seeds from fruit I planted produced trees but those trees didn't bare the fruit to sustain me in my times of hunger?
There have been times in my life, when things got so bad, that I actually considered what it would be like if I were no longer a burden to myself or others.
When I think long and hard on that subject, I understand that everyone on my life needs me - perhaps more than I need them? In many ways it is hard to explain these thoughts or emotions. You see, everyone in my life has always relied on me for one thing or another. In my life, I have given so much to so many without caring about what I received in return. I've always been the giver.
When I started my journey on pain medications, I felt liberated as if I was the one finally feeling good. I no longer worried about all those trivial things that make life so messy. It was easier to give to others and laugh, rejoice, empathize... Then take another pill to give more.
But we all know how things turn up in the end don't we? What a cruel thing it is that the one pill that brings us joy and solace - brings heartache and misery in the end.
I sit here embracing the emotions circling my mind. I embrace this because I feel as if Spring has arrived and the emotions are returning like bird so do when the snow has melted.
I have been doing so much work on myself and during this "work" have come to learn more about myself than ever.
There comes times in our lives when we all have to take that deep stair in front of the mirror. To see past our mere reflection and peer into our own soul.
For the first time in a very long time, I looked into mine. I saw the things I liked yet I saw the things I didn't as well.
During my journey I have laughed, yelled, pondered, and wept.
I know my mind is on the mend now because I have felt more raw emotion than ever before.
I look back at those days when I was downing the meds. Those days flew by without a worry in the world. I also remember those days when I felt nothing.
I sit here looking out the windows on a rainy day and can't help wonder what life has in store for me - Good or bad. As I sit and think of these things, my little kitty is curled up at my feet. She sleeps so contently as if nothing in her world could ever go wrong. Of course nothing will go wrong for her, she has the one person in this life that will never ever need or want for anything. I care for her so deeply just as I care for my wife and my friends.
When I dig deep, I realize that part of my addiction is because what I have given in life never really came back to me like I expected?
The seeds from fruit I planted produced trees but those trees didn't bare the fruit to sustain me in my times of hunger?
There have been times in my life, when things got so bad, that I actually considered what it would be like if I were no longer a burden to myself or others.
When I think long and hard on that subject, I understand that everyone on my life needs me - perhaps more than I need them? In many ways it is hard to explain these thoughts or emotions. You see, everyone in my life has always relied on me for one thing or another. In my life, I have given so much to so many without caring about what I received in return. I've always been the giver.
When I started my journey on pain medications, I felt liberated as if I was the one finally feeling good. I no longer worried about all those trivial things that make life so messy. It was easier to give to others and laugh, rejoice, empathize... Then take another pill to give more.
But we all know how things turn up in the end don't we? What a cruel thing it is that the one pill that brings us joy and solace - brings heartache and misery in the end.
I sit here embracing the emotions circling my mind. I embrace this because I feel as if Spring has arrived and the emotions are returning like bird so do when the snow has melted.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Good introspection. I'm glad to see you're doing this - feeling it, thinking, putting yourself first and I know you're heading off for a visit soon.
I had so many losses that for well over a year my mantra is "it's a good day if no one dies." Someday I'll have more expectations from others than the fact they're alive. For now...whatever works. As long as I'm doing the right thing I believe this will pass.
I'm so happy for you! Really truly thrilled. You deserve everything. Love, happiness, peace, etc.
I had so many losses that for well over a year my mantra is "it's a good day if no one dies." Someday I'll have more expectations from others than the fact they're alive. For now...whatever works. As long as I'm doing the right thing I believe this will pass.
I'm so happy for you! Really truly thrilled. You deserve everything. Love, happiness, peace, etc.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 132
What a great post. Introspection is good for the soul. You really have put this journey into perspective. I'm thinking and coming to grips with my reality and I no longer remember the good feelings in the beginning when a pill gave me the false sense of well being. I'm facing the end result and where that first pill took me. 10 days is great and it will keep getting better. Relapsing is not an option. At 70 plus days I feel I have it beat and I like where I'm at but I will not take it for granted. I know I've got to stay vigilant and never let my guard down. If this means a lifetime I will do it.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Great stuff man ... I love it!
I'm on day 8 off subs, so ... getting those kinda thoughts again myself (emphasis on 'again').
As I recommended elsewhere, watching music vids on youtube of profound songs from your past, songs that have actually affected you emotionally ... that hit home when you were going through a break-up or something like that ... is a great way to pass time when you don't feel like doing much, and just want to revel in your newly-refound emotions and ability to 'feel' again.
I'm on day 8 off subs, so ... getting those kinda thoughts again myself (emphasis on 'again').
As I recommended elsewhere, watching music vids on youtube of profound songs from your past, songs that have actually affected you emotionally ... that hit home when you were going through a break-up or something like that ... is a great way to pass time when you don't feel like doing much, and just want to revel in your newly-refound emotions and ability to 'feel' again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Introspection is what I've been working on the most lately. Been doing a lot of writing for myself too. Keeping a lengthy log of feelings, emotions, etc.
I go see a professional this Thursday (seeing a professional for the first time) and like everything else, embracing it as part of the healing process.
Now if I could only get this fuzzy little cat off of me, I could get some things done! Ahhh, the cat's life huh?
I go see a professional this Thursday (seeing a professional for the first time) and like everything else, embracing it as part of the healing process.
Now if I could only get this fuzzy little cat off of me, I could get some things done! Ahhh, the cat's life huh?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
Originally Posted by bval 
Great stuff man ... I love it!
I'm on day 8 off subs, so ... getting those kinda thoughts again myself (emphasis on 'again').
As I recommended elsewhere, watching music vids on youtube of profound songs from your past, songs that have actually affected you emotionally ... that hit home when you were going through a break-up or something like that ... is a great way to pass time when you don't feel like doing much, and just want to revel in your newly-refound emotions and ability to 'feel' again.
I'm on day 8 off subs, so ... getting those kinda thoughts again myself (emphasis on 'again').
As I recommended elsewhere, watching music vids on youtube of profound songs from your past, songs that have actually affected you emotionally ... that hit home when you were going through a break-up or something like that ... is a great way to pass time when you don't feel like doing much, and just want to revel in your newly-refound emotions and ability to 'feel' again.
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