helpless01

I know trust is needed for any relationship to survive. Please stick with me here...I know I'm going on and on but it's involved and I really need help.

My husband is an addict. In the end of August 2011 he left is job for a couple of reason, one of them being his partner in drug use was the business owner's son.

Now he's working for his brother who owns his own business (auto repair). He's knows his brother is an addict. Since day 1 the brother (who has no issues with addiction) has paid my husband in cash. He told him he'd have to eventually pay him on the books, but still to this day it's in cash. I've asked my husband to bring it up again but it's a little tense when it comes to pay since my husband had 0 experience in auto repair before this. And as I said he knows the full extent of my husband's addiction to cocaine and other substances. Since September my husband has not gone to any support meetings. He has said he's too exhausted after working from 8:30a.m. to sometimes 7:30p.m. with no lunch break..just eats on the run. He also has been going to a local adult ed class for auto mechanics 1x a week.

I do believe my husband wasn't using anything in the beginning. My husband told me a regular customer of his brother's asked my husband if he'd mind if he smoked pot while waiting and my husband asked that he didn't. I do believe some where along the way my husband has smoked or drank. And I know he struggles every day. I told him in the beginning that he should be going to meetings.

Last night an issue has come up where he made a teller deposit a couple of days ago into our savings account and he said it was 3 weeks of pay. He gets paid every Saturday and he didn't deposit it for a few weeks (I didn't realize it because I don't check the balances every day or even week). It looks like less than 3 weeks since he tends to work 1+ hours overtime every day and I asked if he was stashing some of the money. He told me to ask his brother if I didn't trust him. But if I do it will start problems with his brother.

Last night he called me crazy to even bring it up. And now today I do feel like I'm losing it. After he left the house with my son and I was alone I totally had a hissy fit like I was a little brat. I would rather die than go through all of this again. I have tried Al-anon even going to meetings 15-20 minutes away but there was only one person I feel I can relate to because she is on both ends of addiction..both an addict and the wife of an addict. I've always take my marriage vows seriously ... for better or worse, in sickness in health. That's why I'm still here. But today I feel hopeless and helpless.

helpless01

on New Year's Eve he got home around 6:00 p.m. from work. Late in the afternoon he went to a chain auto service shop near his brother's place to purchase an oil filter for my car and says he ran into his old sponsor who suggested he go to a meeting. If we lived in a small town this wouldn't be suspicious but we live about 30 minutes from his brother's shop and I truly feel; it is unlikely that he ran into someone from a meeting in our area. I think he was looking for a way to see his old buddy or something. Maybe I am crazy.

helpless01

I am so sick inside.
He has lied to me to cover up his addiction and I'm crazy for not trusting him.
He doesn't go to meetings for months and suddenly on News Eve he just happens to run into his sponsor who he hasn't spoken to in months and I'm crazy!
His brother pays him an addict in cash and I question him when he hasn't made a deposit in weeks and I'm crazy!

helpless01

I feel bad for my 15 year old son who sees me so sad. I feel like I'm ruining his life and he'll never be happy.

helpless01

My AH the great pretender. The only person who sees the real him is me.

JustAYak

Helpless, believe it or not, you're not helpless. You're doing the right things by going to alanon meetings and posting on this board. Don't get caught in your husband's bs, he's going to do what he's going to do, regardless of whether you want him to or not. Don't play detective, don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure him out because it's impossible. You're not crazy, you're acting like any normal person would when they have been lied to repeatedly. You're in the right to have your suspicions about his using, but unless you catch him red-handed you do not have the right to berate him about his sobriety or lack there of (and I don't think you have). You can never know for sure whether he is sober or not, unless you catch them in the act, or have the blood test/hair test/urine test to back it up. He has a lot of making up to do, he does need to realize that he needs to earn your trust back and that he's not just going to suddenly have it right away. That's what a lot of addicts seem to struggle with when they first get clean/sober.

Take it at your own pace, trust him when you feel he can be trusted and when he has shown you that without a doubt, he is clean from all substances. I would also check out the Famiy & Friends Substance Abuse forum on this board. There are a lot of good people there to help!

Threshold

I hear your frustration and anger. No, you are not crazy. Active addicts are incapable of the truth, because their lives are built on lies.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry you have a son who is going through this as well.

You need to take care of yourself, and your son. You cannot control your AH, or the people he has surrounded himself with.

I know that is scary, and feels unfair. Please go to the family and friends section here, introduce yourself, and read, read, read. You do not have to let another person's addictive choices destroy your life.

PreciousThings

Hey Helpless... You are driving yourself crazy. You have legitimate reasons not to trust him. Just seems your anxiety over this is only making you suffer. Not him.

He should understand that he does need to earn your trust back, but it seems that he is exhibiting secretive behavior.

You should be allowed to question him and even test him if you want. I believe that if he is clean, he'd be more than happy to prove it to you.

Wish I could help more. But us women have tremendous instincts, and I believe you should go with yours.

Is it worth fighting with an addict? Not at all. But, you have the right to set some rules for your marriage. If he doesn't feel like doing the simple thing you ask without answering simple questions or be willing to be tested, then perhaps let it go and think about you and your son and how you need to proceed.

My only experience with this is that when I was using, I had an affair. Got caught and confessed to the affair. My husband has reasons not to trust me. So, in order to prove myself to him, I allow him to check my phone. Call me at anytime...my cell or my work. I text him my whereabouts at all times when I'm not home. I've learned I need to earn his trust back and allow him to check on my when he feels like it. Just so he knows that I'm doing what I say I'm doing and I'm exactly where I say I am. I dont begrudge him for it. I owe it to him. So I welcome all of his questions and keep everything open so that I can earn his trust back.

Kind of think that he owes you the same thing. None of this is your fault. But it is your right to be suspicious.

Hope this helps. Stay strong.
Kelly