New and Scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
New and Scared
I found this site by Googling for "codeine withdrawal" and "codeine + weaning". I'm 31, married, and the mother of 3 kids. I've been abusing substances on and off for many years; from the age of 9 until 16, it was alcohol and pot, oil, and hash. I became pregnant with my first child, and aside from cigarettes, was able to quit everything without a moment of regret. I was never a pill user; I was the person who wouldn't take an aspirin, because I was a firm believer in "sucking it up" when it came to pain, and was blessed with a high pain threshold. When I had my baby via c-section, I was only on Tylenol #3 for maybe 2 days, and then regular Tylenol for a few days after that. Within the next 18 months, I underwent surgeries that required Demerol, morphine, codeine, Percocet, etc., but I never developed an addiction. I never gave the pills a second thought once the worst of the pain was gone.
Alcoholism runs in my family, and I thought that if anything, I'd become an alcoholic. Indeed, I did have several years of drinking under my belt before I even got to high school. I also drank here and there after my first child was born. My ex and I married and went on a honeymoon, where there was bar service included in the package - booze, 24/7. I came home and found myself once again pulled toward alcohol, this time hiding it (we lived with his parents) and making a drink or two as soon as I was home from college for the day.
I discovered pills when my marriage to my ex was at the breaking point. I don't remember what was wrong, but I asked my father-in-law if he had any Tylenol. He gave me a bottle of Tylenol #1, which I didn't realize contained codeine. I took 4, and soon afterward, felt GREAT! It was like pot without the munchies and nodding off, or alcohol without the staggering, slurred speech, vomiting, and hangovers. It was like everything I loved about being drunk and high, all in one little pill. I didn't start taking them on a regular basis then, but it made a major impression on me. I have no idea why, after all of my previous exposure to narcotics, that was the time that really affected me, but it was.
My ex and I split up, and I went to stay with my mother. I'd taken a few of her regular Tylenol, not realizing they had no codeine, and was disappointed to not get a buzz from them. I was having cramps, and was pretty miserable, so she gave me a couple of Tylenol #3. I didn't realize it then, but she was addicted to codeine. Well, once the codeine kicked in, I was ecstatic. Life was WONDERFUL! It wore off, and I knew I wanted more of that stuff. She mentioned that the kind I had taken before, Tylenol #1, was available at the drugstore (we're in Canada), so I happily scampered off to buy my first bottle. I took it home, opened it, and dove straight into hell.
I quickly became addicted. I developed a serious illness, that was very painful and needed several surgeries, and was prescribed Percocet, Tylenol #3, and morphine, each at various times. I was miserable to be ill, but looked at my meds as my consolation prize. After I was done with that, I was given a prescription for my severe endometriosis pain. I've cut back my using a few times, and quit, during pregnancy, but I always go back. Mentally, I LOVE the feeling that pills, namely codeine, give me. I feel happy, energetic, creative, all of that fun stuff.
I HATE codeine, however. Even if my brain and body think otherwise. I hate being addicted to it. I'm afraid for my health. I'm afraid that I'll screw up the lives of my family members. However, I'm also afraid to quit. My husband doesn't know the extent of my addiction, and there are times when my pain IS legit, like when my endometriosis is flaring. I'm afraid of his reaction if/when he finds out - if he'll be mad, disappointed, hurt, never trust me again, disgusted, whatever. I'm also nervous about the physical withdrawal. I'm down to a much smaller dose of codeine now, than in the past - roughly 15 Tylenol #3 per day, sometimes less, so I'm not sure how bad it will be. I'll be tapering off fairly quickly, I think, with epsom salt soaks, immodium, etc. as needed. Just thinking about this makes me want to take more pills, or drink.
That's the basic area of my history, as far as drug use goes. I'm not sure how the rest of this will pan out, but I'm hoping I can tough it out, esp. staying clean.
Alcoholism runs in my family, and I thought that if anything, I'd become an alcoholic. Indeed, I did have several years of drinking under my belt before I even got to high school. I also drank here and there after my first child was born. My ex and I married and went on a honeymoon, where there was bar service included in the package - booze, 24/7. I came home and found myself once again pulled toward alcohol, this time hiding it (we lived with his parents) and making a drink or two as soon as I was home from college for the day.
I discovered pills when my marriage to my ex was at the breaking point. I don't remember what was wrong, but I asked my father-in-law if he had any Tylenol. He gave me a bottle of Tylenol #1, which I didn't realize contained codeine. I took 4, and soon afterward, felt GREAT! It was like pot without the munchies and nodding off, or alcohol without the staggering, slurred speech, vomiting, and hangovers. It was like everything I loved about being drunk and high, all in one little pill. I didn't start taking them on a regular basis then, but it made a major impression on me. I have no idea why, after all of my previous exposure to narcotics, that was the time that really affected me, but it was.
My ex and I split up, and I went to stay with my mother. I'd taken a few of her regular Tylenol, not realizing they had no codeine, and was disappointed to not get a buzz from them. I was having cramps, and was pretty miserable, so she gave me a couple of Tylenol #3. I didn't realize it then, but she was addicted to codeine. Well, once the codeine kicked in, I was ecstatic. Life was WONDERFUL! It wore off, and I knew I wanted more of that stuff. She mentioned that the kind I had taken before, Tylenol #1, was available at the drugstore (we're in Canada), so I happily scampered off to buy my first bottle. I took it home, opened it, and dove straight into hell.
I quickly became addicted. I developed a serious illness, that was very painful and needed several surgeries, and was prescribed Percocet, Tylenol #3, and morphine, each at various times. I was miserable to be ill, but looked at my meds as my consolation prize. After I was done with that, I was given a prescription for my severe endometriosis pain. I've cut back my using a few times, and quit, during pregnancy, but I always go back. Mentally, I LOVE the feeling that pills, namely codeine, give me. I feel happy, energetic, creative, all of that fun stuff.
I HATE codeine, however. Even if my brain and body think otherwise. I hate being addicted to it. I'm afraid for my health. I'm afraid that I'll screw up the lives of my family members. However, I'm also afraid to quit. My husband doesn't know the extent of my addiction, and there are times when my pain IS legit, like when my endometriosis is flaring. I'm afraid of his reaction if/when he finds out - if he'll be mad, disappointed, hurt, never trust me again, disgusted, whatever. I'm also nervous about the physical withdrawal. I'm down to a much smaller dose of codeine now, than in the past - roughly 15 Tylenol #3 per day, sometimes less, so I'm not sure how bad it will be. I'll be tapering off fairly quickly, I think, with epsom salt soaks, immodium, etc. as needed. Just thinking about this makes me want to take more pills, or drink.
That's the basic area of my history, as far as drug use goes. I'm not sure how the rest of this will pan out, but I'm hoping I can tough it out, esp. staying clean.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: parkersburg, wv
Posts: 178
Hi Wordgiirll and welcome to SR. I am also the mother of three young children and I know how difficult fighting an addiction is while raising little kids. My DOC is VIcodin and I have been off of them for a little over a month. I had to go cold turkey because weaning never worked for me. I understand being scared of giving them up and facing withdrawl. If you can wean off of them successfully they may be your best bet since you have to take care of little ones. Is there anyone who can help you while you are coming off of the pills. My Mom came up and spent three days when I went cold turkey off of Vicodin. I was a heavy user and had used for 12 years so my withdrawl was pretty intense. She was a lifesaver to me during those early days. I will tell you that it gets better. I still don't have my energy back but the cravings have lessened and I am starting to feel somewhat normal again. I am learning to laugh (which I never did while using) and can fully enjoy my children without being wrapped up in my pills. Good luck to you and keep posting here. I don't post that often but read daily and it has been a lifeline to me. ((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
Codeine was also my DOC the past several years before I quit on 12/19/10.
You know, I actually liked it better than Percocet or Hydrocodone, which I had used in the past. Codeine seem to give me a better lift. I ordered through the mail from the UK and now thank my lucky stars I never got in serious legal trouble. It was a blessing in disguise that my supplier was shut down and this action really forced me to face my issue.
What interested me about your post was how the pills finally "got you" when you were going through emotional problems with your spouse. Years ago, I also could use narcotics for the physical reason they were prescribed (lot of issues prior to hysterectomy), but when the emotional pain became an issue, that is when I, too, began to feel the wonderful effect of opiate pills.
I can tell you that I was able to taper the last month of use. My highest daily dose was about 12 #3's a day. I got down to the last week taking about 4 per day, then 2 per day the last day or two. Still had the restless legs, diahrrea, sneezing spells, lethargy, anxiousness, inability to sleep, etcl that follows opiate withdrawal. SR really has helped me through the emotional ups and downs that follow the physical withdrawals. We are all here for you and understand the challenges you will be facing. Keep posting and let us know how you are
You know, I actually liked it better than Percocet or Hydrocodone, which I had used in the past. Codeine seem to give me a better lift. I ordered through the mail from the UK and now thank my lucky stars I never got in serious legal trouble. It was a blessing in disguise that my supplier was shut down and this action really forced me to face my issue.
What interested me about your post was how the pills finally "got you" when you were going through emotional problems with your spouse. Years ago, I also could use narcotics for the physical reason they were prescribed (lot of issues prior to hysterectomy), but when the emotional pain became an issue, that is when I, too, began to feel the wonderful effect of opiate pills.
I can tell you that I was able to taper the last month of use. My highest daily dose was about 12 #3's a day. I got down to the last week taking about 4 per day, then 2 per day the last day or two. Still had the restless legs, diahrrea, sneezing spells, lethargy, anxiousness, inability to sleep, etcl that follows opiate withdrawal. SR really has helped me through the emotional ups and downs that follow the physical withdrawals. We are all here for you and understand the challenges you will be facing. Keep posting and let us know how you are
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
Thanks for the welcome! Yes, my current husband is home, and can watch the little guys while I go through the worst of it, thank goodness.
I'm not sure why, but codeine has always been "better" for me, as a DOC, and I'd always prefer it over Precocet or anything else, no matter how much pain I'm in. It gives the perfect buzz without knocking me out or inducing really obvious effects.
I never bothered to address the emotional issues before now; the times when I'd quit, I only worried about feeling like garbage. I never thought about what made me start them, or what made me want to get high. I really hope that addressing that helps this time. It's a scary thought, really, but I guess the only way to get through the psychological issue of kicking it...
I'm not sure why, but codeine has always been "better" for me, as a DOC, and I'd always prefer it over Precocet or anything else, no matter how much pain I'm in. It gives the perfect buzz without knocking me out or inducing really obvious effects.
I never bothered to address the emotional issues before now; the times when I'd quit, I only worried about feeling like garbage. I never thought about what made me start them, or what made me want to get high. I really hope that addressing that helps this time. It's a scary thought, really, but I guess the only way to get through the psychological issue of kicking it...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((WordGrrrl))) - Welcome to SR! A lot of people that become addicted to opiates are first exposed to them for legit pain. It's when we want something to just "numb us out" because of emotional stuff going on that we really get in trouble.
I would suggest you see your doctor and be honest. You're taking a lot of tylenol, and that's really hard on your liver. A good doctor will not judge you, and will help - mine is worth her weight in gold. Though opiates aren't what brought me to my knees (crack was), I definitely abused them - a lot, in the past.
I have back pain that flares up every now and then (ruptured a disc years ago) and when I first met my doctor, we talked about my addiction, my abuse of opiates, and worked out a plan for if I needed something stronger than ibuprofen. I get a limited prescription, no refills, and I guess recovery has worked good because I really do try everything else before asking her. It's just something I'm leery of, and I'm glad. I really don't like being on the "slippery slope". I do, however, know that even if I'm in real pain, if I'm also going through something emotional? I just tough it out as, for me, that's just asking for trouble.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I would suggest you see your doctor and be honest. You're taking a lot of tylenol, and that's really hard on your liver. A good doctor will not judge you, and will help - mine is worth her weight in gold. Though opiates aren't what brought me to my knees (crack was), I definitely abused them - a lot, in the past.
I have back pain that flares up every now and then (ruptured a disc years ago) and when I first met my doctor, we talked about my addiction, my abuse of opiates, and worked out a plan for if I needed something stronger than ibuprofen. I get a limited prescription, no refills, and I guess recovery has worked good because I really do try everything else before asking her. It's just something I'm leery of, and I'm glad. I really don't like being on the "slippery slope". I do, however, know that even if I'm in real pain, if I'm also going through something emotional? I just tough it out as, for me, that's just asking for trouble.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 132
Welcome Wordgrrl. I'm glad you have help with the kids as you detox. The first few days are rough but read everything you can about addiction and recovery. As you go through the forums available here you will find so much to help you stay strong.
Keep posting and know we have all had the struggles and doubts but we have and you will find hope as days go by. I found the mental kicked in as the physical widthdrawal passed. There are so many who have given me tools that have helped me contain the mind talking and urging me to give in.
Stay strong.
Keep posting and know we have all had the struggles and doubts but we have and you will find hope as days go by. I found the mental kicked in as the physical widthdrawal passed. There are so many who have given me tools that have helped me contain the mind talking and urging me to give in.
Stay strong.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
Honestly, I really want to tell my doctor, but I'm afraid to. He's the kind who frowns on narcotics in general, and I have to beg for a small script for legit pain. The majority of my pills are from "friends" or pharmacies that sell Tylenol #1. I feel a great amount of shame and humiliation in regards to my addiction. I also am very afraid; I worry that someone will decide that I can't raise my children, and have them taken away. I'm worried that people will look down on me and lose respect for me, but losing my children is the thing that terrifies me the most. Even if I get clean and stay that way, I'm worried that someone will throw it in my face at a later date. I have a very hard time trusting people.
I know my MO might sound weird, and maybe it is, but right now, it's the only way I feel comfortable getting through this. I plan to taper quickly, which I've done before, and get counseling for the emotional aspect. I'd go to NA, but I'm too scared that I'll be recognized by someone - I tend to stand out a fair bit. Where it not for the fear of being thought an unfit parent, and to a lesser extent, losing any chance of getting help for the legit pain I have with endometriosis, I would be seeking professional help right away. For me, however, at least right now, it's just easier to deal with if I break it down into little steps.
This is the first time I've recognized it as a real addiction. I'm not sure why, but before now, I saw it as a problem in terms of physical dependency, those withdrawals, without looking at the emotional aspect of it. Maybe I was just too afraid, and not ready for that yet. I don't know, I may speak to someone sooner than I think, but for now, I'm not putting pressure on myself to do that, speaking to my doctor etcetera. I know that if I do that, I'll chicken out and just keep on the way I've been going. I have mental health issues that come into play, as well, but I'm not really ready to talk about them yet here. I will soon enough, but this is hard right now. It's the first time I've written about myself in the context of being an addict, and that was pretty hard to read. But it's true, for now.
I know my MO might sound weird, and maybe it is, but right now, it's the only way I feel comfortable getting through this. I plan to taper quickly, which I've done before, and get counseling for the emotional aspect. I'd go to NA, but I'm too scared that I'll be recognized by someone - I tend to stand out a fair bit. Where it not for the fear of being thought an unfit parent, and to a lesser extent, losing any chance of getting help for the legit pain I have with endometriosis, I would be seeking professional help right away. For me, however, at least right now, it's just easier to deal with if I break it down into little steps.
This is the first time I've recognized it as a real addiction. I'm not sure why, but before now, I saw it as a problem in terms of physical dependency, those withdrawals, without looking at the emotional aspect of it. Maybe I was just too afraid, and not ready for that yet. I don't know, I may speak to someone sooner than I think, but for now, I'm not putting pressure on myself to do that, speaking to my doctor etcetera. I know that if I do that, I'll chicken out and just keep on the way I've been going. I have mental health issues that come into play, as well, but I'm not really ready to talk about them yet here. I will soon enough, but this is hard right now. It's the first time I've written about myself in the context of being an addict, and that was pretty hard to read. But it's true, for now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 31
Okay, one last thought before I go to bed - I want to be as open as possible on here, since it's hard to help someone if they aren't, but it's hard to decide what counts as vital info right now! Anyhow, the husband and I aren't doing too great right now. The issues are old ones, not ones caused by my problem. I'm afraid to tell him right now, because I don't want him to have this to use against me if we happen to split up. If it comes to an emergency situation, where I feel like I need to go to the hospital, then I'll have to tell him, but for now, I'm going to be using the flu excuse. I do hope to tell him eventually; I hate having secrets in a relationship. Anyhow, that's a big reason why I'm doing this privately to start with. I just wanted to add that, to let you all know why I'm going about it this way for now.
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