stepsndtraditns

i am embarrassed to go back to meetings after using. i feel like a failure and some people get holier than thou and i feel judged and looked down upon. it sucks losing clean time and it is so clear now looking back what i stopped doing and how i put myself in a bad position. everyone makes such a big deal about clean time. likes its some badge of honor and the most important thing in recovery. im hurting now because i let myself down, and i know it will be rough getting through this time. i do have support and some friends who hang in with me who say just to get up, because its just for today. it will take a little while to untwist my mind, be clear and be honest with myself. my contact with hp has withered...i know its just me feeling unworthy. im not real patient.

so i dont know, i guess im asking for experience strength and hope. thanks

Dee74

you wouldn't be the first person to go back to a meeting after a relapse S&T.
Think about whats best for you

D

stepsndtraditns

ya that is the bottom line. i guess im complaining about being judged, and im judging others while doing it. crazy. it doesnt matter what other people think..i dont know what others think... i went to 2 meetings today and i guess im just beatin myself up. i felt better afterwards and esp the old timers who seem like more than others really mean it when they say keep coming back.

Threshold

Hey steps. It IS hard to go back and say we relapsed. I've had to do that a few times. Clean time matters, but recovery matters more. WHat i mean is that staying clean but NOT recovering, not making inner progress isn't as important as getting honest and moving forward. I have lived "clean" but still playing out destructive patterns in my life, relationships etc. You are staying in the game, posting here, hitting meetings etc. Not making excuses. justisfying, all that crap we did in the past.

The further I go in recovery the deeper I see where my issues and insecurities lay. The more I see that being "perfect" in the program and recovery means much less than being thorough and honest.

At least for me. I can't worry about people who do it right the first time, never slip and only have success stories to share at meetings. I am who I am.

What matters is that we all keep coming back, we all keep working the steps and we all stay open to transformation in our lives.

I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now, and reading how my peers are staying in the game is just what I need right now,

Vigo

Just because a person has X amount of days, weeks, months, or years of clean time doesn't mean they are a happy, confident, self-respecting person who treats others the way they would like to be treated.

Obviously it's good to be clean and sober, but you're not a worse person because you don't have as much time in as someone else. Don't beat yourself up!

James1983

Was marijuana your drug of choice? Just curious.

mjt305

StepsandTraditions - - I understand your feelings of letting yourself down.. Your conscience, your inner child is screaming "Why have you poisoned me again?" Like You, I was born without drugs. I used to find pleasure in much simpler things. Point is that Once I experienced Cocaine, I would never be the same again. I went to treatment(s) and meetings and worked the program a bit, but for myself I had to just become honest and accept my personal history, who I am today, and Who I want to be.. I chose to believe in God and Mother Earth as my higher powers.. Anyway, I have a wonderful marriage with my wife where I have lied and failed to clean up my act while maintaining good grades in College..

Stop beating yourself up!! Accept you fell on your knees, weak and not 'fearing' your personal limits.. I did just a few days ago and I told my wife I will stop because she has had enough of my bulls***!! And I want to have a productive life.. I just want to sniff one more time.. The urge is quite strong and I am trying very hard to hold myself back!! I use my wife as support.. Everyday for the last 5 days I have been telling her about my cravings and that I want to use it and my thoughts.. GET A SUPPORT BUDDY.. A SPONSOR OR A FRIEND.. My wife is first my friend then my lover.. So it works for me
Since this post was 2 days ago, I hope things are looking up for you!!

stepsndtraditns

thanks everybody, i have been doing the deal: morning prayer and meditation, calling sponsor and others to let them know whats going on and to listen for suggestions and act9ing on them, going to meetings everyday, trying to find opps to do good works for others without being found out... and I read the BB because from experience, when I develop and maintain my spirituality, i no longer experience cravings. it was failing to do these basic things that led to the relapse. it is so clear to me now...

i am still struggling some with keeping a positive attitude and not beating myself up. it serves no purpose...and when others give me hope I can turn it over to the care of god.

Im back on it, thanks and I will let you all know how its going.