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The day you REALLY admit what's up to your family...



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The day you REALLY admit what's up to your family...

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Old 12-14-2011, 01:34 PM
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The day you REALLY admit what's up to your family...

Not easy, but as I expected they had an idea and so far have been understanding. I'm so grateful for that.

I have been here before, years ago. Both this forum and Oxy addiction. I kicked it for a while on my own and for a while it worked...but it didn't stick, that's for sure. So this time I started by admitting to my parents and one friend. I'm trying to really admit that for the first time I'm ready to admit I'm not in control. I have lost that control and that sucks. But it is what it is. I am finally mustering up the physical ability to attend a meeting. I *think* this may be possible to do without detox, but what I'm positive about is there's no chance I can do this on my own and make it work.

I, too, like many others have been living a double life. Due to my job and community presence, people view me one way. Then we have the other side that just friggin' loves to get high and the only ones aware are the addicts I use with. Truth be told, it's only two people, but that's neither here nor there. The mental exhaustion of keeping up this charade is ridiculous and it has just recently spiraled way out of my control. Combine that with the physical exhaustion of chasing, using, trying to detox, chasing, using, etc...& I'm spent.

I'm on day 3. Like most people I'd love to be further down the line, but hopefully that'll come in time. I don't know much, but I'm aware there's a huge undertaking of work I'm going to have to put in to make it. I don't wanna be naive & think it'll just happen because obviously, that's not possible. So, in short, thanks for listening and good luck in your endeavors.
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Old 12-14-2011, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Bear19
I *think* this may be possible to do without detox, but what I'm positive about is there's no chance I can do this on my own and make it work.
You are confusing detox with rehab. If you quit using, you WILL detox. That is the definition of detox - the elimination of the toxins from the system when you stop ingesting, drinking, injecting, snorting and/or smoking them.

If you feel you need medical help with your detox by all means seek it. Detox can be very dangerous. What was your DOC?

Keep coming back here and posting, there is a lot of great support here. AA, NA or other support groups are great as well.
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Old 12-14-2011, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
You are confusing detox with rehab. If you quit using, you WILL detox. That is the definition of detox - the elimination of the toxins from the system when you stop ingesting, drinking, injecting, snorting and/or smoking them.

If you feel you need medical help with your detox by all means seek it. Detox can be very dangerous. What was your DOC?

Keep coming back here and posting, there is a lot of great support here. AA, NA or other support groups are great as well.
Yes you are correct, I meant IN-PATIENT detox. I am detox'ing as we speak, getting rid of the poison so to speak. I am trying to detox myself this week/next week knowing that if for some reason I really can't and need an in-patient I have 10 days off work to which i can have medical help. I have detox'ed myself prior so I know it can be done, it's making it stick I obviously and truly need assistance with.

DOC is oxy. Thanks for posting I appreciate it. I'm willing to accept just about any and all advice. I am attending my first meeting in a few hours, I'm barely physically well enough, but I think I can suck it up and push on through. I need to hear from others at this point...speak to others, maybe just listen, IDK...but something other than what I have been trying.
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Old 12-14-2011, 04:04 PM
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Bear19,

I am just about in your exact same shoes. I attempted to quit on November 30th this year, made it to day 4 and relapsed. I felt so guilty and wrong about it I was determined not to do it again. It's been over a week now and I have to admit I am feeling a LOT better. Day 3-5 was the worst. I couldn't sleep for 48+ hours, I felt like I was hyper-ventilating and I thought of 2 choices: 1) Go to the ER or 2) relapse. Well, somehow option 3 was in there because I toughed it out. I took several hot baths and showers for the hot/cold chills. I've been taking 1000mg Vitamin C daily and eating lots of fruits and vegetables. I've also been drinking loads of water and gatorade in an attempt to flush this all out of me for good. Get to day 6 and 7 and you will feel an incredible difference.

Think about it this way, if you relapse you have to start Day 1 again. Is that worth it? To go through those first few days of hell again? Not a chance. I learned the hard way. Right now I'm struggling mentally to stay strong, but I'd say 90% of the physical withdrawal symptoms have subsided. I still have mild aches and pains and a little insomnia but I know those will get better over the next few days. I was taking 120-150mg of roxy a day, and my last few days I was taking 30-60mg. I doubt that helped. Detox is detox, and it's going to suck. This is a challenge. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. But give yourself one full week, and you will start to feel like your old self again.

If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to PM me or post here or anywhere. Lots of good people here with lots of good support. I wouldn't have made it this far without this forum. It really has helped me put things into perspective for what I want out of life. And that's a life without a pill addiction.

- Dave
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Old 12-14-2011, 07:44 PM
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Thank you Dave, it's good to hear from someone in similar shoes. I went to my first meeting tonight. That was a serious step for me because in the past I had my pre-conceived notions about NA/AA but over the past few months I really finally came to the conclusion that the stuff I've been trying is not working so why not ? What's the worst that can happen ? And I'm glad I went & I will go back. I could relate to at least a portion of what every person spoke of. It really felt good not to feel alone because like many addicts, my relationship crumbled, I'm living alone, etc...I'm guessing that being around individuals going through the same struggle can really help. (Again it only was my first meeting so I have no clue what I'm talking about but it felt ok)

As far as starting over at day 1 ? I just can't anymore. I'm mentally, physically & emotionally beaten down and I'm kind of at a point where getting high is only "fun" for such short periods of time that the excitement and love I once had for it is not worth it. The chaos that ensues far outweighs all that so...

anyways, thanks for listening.
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Old 12-14-2011, 08:06 PM
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Hey, no problem. You're taking a huge step into recovery and that is admirable. I'm starting to develop new routines. For example, I used to drink soda constantly, maybe 6-7 cans a day, now I make a cup of green tea every morning I consume with a banana. In the afternoon I'll drink gatorade, water and milk only. I've done research on health foods that are supposed to help increase or maintain dopamine levels to make you feel better. I'm starting a jogging and biking plan with a friend this weekend, and I've been going back to the gym the past few days.

Basically, whatever triggers or reminds you of using stay away from. Sounds simple I know, but it's not. I am not going to lie, I'm 10 days in and I feel like taking a roxy or 2. But that's the addicted part of my brain thinking. I'm trying to overpower it now, and so far so good. Take one day at a time. I encourage you to move around a little only when you start to feel better. Pretend you have the worst flu of your life x100 and stay couped up on the couch or bed and watch funny movies. Listen to music on youtube. Envision a life you'd like to live. I don't know your age or story but those are all things that helped me.

Good luck to you and post updates! I'm around the threads constantly trying to improve on my own situation, as are many others. Great job for doing this!
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Old 12-14-2011, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by GravyDave View Post
Hey, no problem. You're taking a huge step into recovery and that is admirable. I'm starting to develop new routines. For example, I used to drink soda constantly, maybe 6-7 cans a day, now I make a cup of green tea every morning I consume with a banana. In the afternoon I'll drink gatorade, water and milk only. I've done research on health foods that are supposed to help increase or maintain dopamine levels to make you feel better. I'm starting a jogging and biking plan with a friend this weekend, and I've been going back to the gym the past few days.

Basically, whatever triggers or reminds you of using stay away from. Sounds simple I know, but it's not. I am not going to lie, I'm 10 days in and I feel like taking a roxy or 2. But that's the addicted part of my brain thinking. I'm trying to overpower it now, and so far so good. Take one day at a time. I encourage you to move around a little only when you start to feel better. Pretend you have the worst flu of your life x100 and stay couped up on the couch or bed and watch funny movies. Listen to music on youtube. Envision a life you'd like to live. I don't know your age or story but those are all things that helped me.

Good luck to you and post updates! I'm around the threads constantly trying to improve on my own situation, as are many others. Great job for doing this!
yeah it's weird, i'm an "all or nothing" type person so when i'm not using i tend to eat really well, i go the gym, i get outdoors, i play sports, etc...

when i don't, i don't. and the past 6 months i've just been awful and using terribly.

i certainly have plans to get back to a lot of that as soon as my body can handle things like food and exercise. i know once i start to feel better i'll mentally think it's ok to just use a little but after being in this charade for 7 years or so of ON, OFF, ON, OFF, ON, ON, ON, etc...i'm really starting to realize i just can't.

it wasn't until the last 6 months that i finally admitted, holy ****, i'm a friggin' addict...like a real life addict, not a user, not someone who knows more than addicts know...and that was pretty powerful. i'm not past that initial stage, but i'm well aware and truly know that i'm an addict and that if i keep using what's around the corner is going to be way worse than what's even going now so...yeah, i just have to get through a day at a time, a few minutes at a time even.

i'm 35 btw. my story like everyone else's has a bunch of twists and turns, a bunch of highs and a bunch of lows. overall, it could be worse. that's what i tell myself. somehow i still have a good job, my bills are paid (barely due to my addiction and insane amount of money spent) & i have some people out there that care about my well being so i'm lucky in that aspect. it's time i care a bit too i suppose.

thx for letting me rant ya'll.

and i want to add that i'll be attending a meeting again tomorrow. can't hurt.
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:01 PM
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Bear I totally feel you. I am in the same position living a double life for the past 4 months. I feel tired, I look tired and most of all I'm just tired of lying. Like you when I do something I don't do anything half ass, I go all the way with it.

I was really thinking of going to a NA meeting tonight but I blew it off. I did manage to see a counselor today for the first time but he told me stuff that I already knew but he might be able to help me when I'm willing to take action. I think you've taken the right steps to recovery. You stopped using and are making a serious attempt. I tried to stop two weeks ago but then started again and now I'm back on the fence.

I think at some point you just have to make a decision and go through with it. You're on Day 3 so things will get better, once I got to Day 10 I felt like a new man then my mind started messing with me. It's really mental after you get past the physical withdrawals, that's the hardest part but by activing like going to meetings and trying to re-discover the things you loved and build a healthier more sane lifestyle it will help keep you on track.
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:03 PM
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just wanted to add that i was reading through a few of my old posts and man did that bring back some feelings/thoughts. the last one was dated April, 30th 2009 and it was about finally having two weeks clean and thinking about moving, new job, etc...

well, i'm still at that new job. i did make the move. in some ways, my life has improved immensely as i have accomplished a few things in that time that i'm really proud of. in the same respect, i ended up at the same place. i think i was running and never really dealt with the inside-out & i was just getting new surroundings/people. i strung together a nice lengthy period of no pills (not full sobriety as i drank some), but got complacent and ended up in the same exact place. funny how that works. actually sad as heck, but...what i did notice is that last time i was dead set on NOT attending meetings. the difference is that as of tonight i actually attended my first one so i'm hoping i'm in a different place now. i feel as though i am.

in the past i think i also shrugged off the work that i would really have to put in to get truly sober. now i'm a little less naive.

again, just ranting a bit, but it helps. thanks for allowing that. i hope people are having good evenings. you know, this time around it's only day 3, but as i was driving to a meeting one of my favorite songs ever came on and i was blasting it and for a couple seconds i actually had some emotion that wasn't closed off and blocked by pills and it felt effing good. it was brief, but it was good.

i know the old me is still down there somewhere, that feels good too.

thx

J~
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Old 12-14-2011, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by struggles79 View Post
Bear I totally feel you. I am in the same position living a double life for the past 4 months. I feel tired, I look tired and most of all I'm just tired of lying. Like you when I do something I don't do anything half ass, I go all the way with it.

I was really thinking of going to a NA meeting tonight but I blew it off. I did manage to see a counselor today for the first time but he told me stuff that I already knew but he might be able to help me when I'm willing to take action. I think you've taken the right steps to recovery. You stopped using and are making a serious attempt. I tried to stop two weeks ago but then started again and now I'm back on the fence.

I think at some point you just have to make a decision and go through with it. You're on Day 3 so things will get better, once I got to Day 10 I felt like a new man then my mind started messing with me. It's really mental after you get past the physical withdrawals, that's the hardest part but by activing like going to meetings and trying to re-discover the things you loved and build a healthier more sane lifestyle it will help keep you on track.
thank you for posting! the double life is exhausting isn't it ? it's insane. last time around i wasn't nearly as chameleon like. i'm in a position now with my job and work where i have people really counting on me, looking up to me, thinking very highly of me...and deep down i'm so hurt that i'm a bit of a fraud. it's mentally taxing. i remember being an athlete in HS and covering up smoking pot or boozing or whatever, but this is about a million times that and for some reason i'm still playing that game. no more. can't do it. exhausted. tired, tired, tired.

good luck with you endeavors. jump off the fence too, it's so hard but it's gotta be better than what's going now. i know for me it HAS to be.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:43 PM
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day 4 here, wow, i feel so much worse than the last few days. everything sucks. crazy anxiety, but too exhausted to really work it out, can't sleep. i know many of you have been there.

that said, still not gonna use & gotta keep on it.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:48 PM
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Day 4 was probably my hardest day of them all. After day 6 it started to ease up each day. I'm at day 11 now and I still have trouble sleeping at night. That's pretty much the extent of my issues at this point. The sleep troubles and mental games of using or not using. Hang in there, things are going to start getting better shortly here. By this weekend you'll be through the worst of it physically, then it's nothing but staying up from here! Don't give in whatever you do!
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:55 PM
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thanks dave, i appreciate it. no chance i'm giving in, just having a really tough day physically. mentally i'm not even entertaining the idea of using which is good, i'm sure that'll come though. i'm just hurtin' - crazy what we do to ourselves.
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:44 PM
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Never told anyone or my family. My friend who quit right after me knows and one other friend. i started alone and i am not dragging any innocent into my garbage. Just my situation and I am NOT saying that everyone should go that route.
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:25 PM
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Hello everyone, I am a regular on the F and F of addicts. My son is the A, 21 and now in rehab. May I just say that I believe you are ALL ready for this freedom? Self awareness and being able to identify the AV (addict voice) from your REAL voice. I am almost 47, a mother of three, successful business woman and keeping up the appearances. During the darkest days (May to October) I was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine per night. I hid my problem from my coworkers. One day, broke down and I asked for help. The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and I faced the reality. I believe you are all there. Know that you family and friends will understand should you need to call on them. You are WAY more important to them than the image you portray.
Best of luck, stay strong!
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Old 12-17-2011, 12:41 PM
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day 6 here, hanging on. each day is getting a little better. made it to another meeting. haven't had the courage to speak yet, i just kind of sit and take it in. physically i hurt, mentally i'm tired, but i know it could be worse. the charade had to end, just had and has to. the chaos is insane.

i thought i would have my appetite back, but no. it's a struggle forcing myself to try and eat, but it's a lot easier with fruits & veggies. i think i'm over throwing up for the most part.

telling my family was huge for me. along with admitting to myself that i'm an addict for real. in some ways it does feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. about 3 or 4 years ago i tried to quit without telling anyone and it didn't work. this time around truly admitting that my life has become unmanageable without drugs, trying meetings out, getting more in touch spiritually, and slowly letting people know will create a better support system and give me a better chance i believe. i'm not sure why i had such pre-conceived notions about AA/NA. i apologize for being ignorant. i really am glad i have tried that route. seeing and hearing others struggle is good for the soul; not that i want others to struggle, but knowing you're not alone is monumental.

so badly, i look forward to getting back in the gym and slowly getting energy back. i feel so lethargic & unhealthy it's sad.

thanks for letting me rant. good luck to all fighting the good fight.

J~
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Old 12-17-2011, 02:37 PM
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Hi Bear congrats on Day 6! Just think, you'll never feel this bad again! I'm on Day 21 and know exactly how you feel. I just take it one hour at a time, one day at a time. Last night I did NOT have night sweats. That is something that I won't miss. Still unmotivated to do anything, but I'm gradually getting my appetite back. I think because I've been so inactive during the past 21 days, that's why I have no energy. Have to force myself to start moving. I'm starting to do chores around the house in small bursts.

Juice man, I didn't tell anyone in my family either. Just told them I was fighting the flu. I don't need to add to their worries.......and they WOULD worry.

Stay strong, we can do this! Failure is not an option this time!
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Old 12-19-2011, 07:33 PM
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I can't wait to never feel this way again. This life is for the birds. Still going strong, meeting on Wed. Reached out to a couple folks today. Feel like ****, but it could be worse.

Ya know, I'm hopeful for the future. I just want this lifestyle, need, sickness to subside. It's not the way.

So, in all I keep checking in, haven't posted a lot, but I appreciate reading here and everyone that has posted. I appreciate it too. Good luck in your battles...and that's really what it is, a battle. A knock down drag out old school 15 rounder for the title. You can't lose, it's just not an option.

J~
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:52 PM
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Congrats Bear!!!!!!!!!

That is amazing news! I think I'm on Day 15 or 16 now... honestly I'm not even trying to keep count anymore. I am just feeling better each day! I don't wanna count the days, I don't wanna think about how bad I was a couple weeks ago. Keep fighting the good fight! You are just about through the worst of it. I still have trouble sleeping after a couple weeks of being off the stuff. But all in all, I am starting to feel like a new person!

Never forget what this crap did to you, and every time you have the slightest thought of relapse think about Days 3-5. Ugh, they were awful! I will never live through that nightmare again!

You are an inspiration to us all! Keep posting updates and the good news!
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:55 AM
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Just checking in with you Bear19 - hope all is well.

Post an update, let us know how you're doin
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