awesomeame

Been almost 5yrs since I've had any flavors of the poppy, but stepped out of the shower tonight and boyyy I had instant MASSIVE cravings. I needed to feel "good" right then and there. I know I've got a bunch of dilaudid here in the house somewhere (kept it "just in case" ((rolleyes)) ) and I pulled the kitchen apart (had mild shakes too) looking for it, but no dice...I can't remember where it ended up after the move....it's here somewhere, it's good I didn't find it.

I've calmed down now, cravings/shakes are pretttty much gone. But what the hell is up with those cravings so many yrs after being clean? I thought I had it kicked, but after tonight I'm not so sure. I've been 7days without alcohol, (again) maybe that has something to do with it..

I guess I'm sitting here having a big 'WTF just happened' moment :-\

Matt

FoundmySelf

Matt, the fact that you have Dilaudid in the house (even though you don't know where it is) is a bad thing. GET RID OF IT!!!! Use your program, your plan, your tools, whatever it is you are have to get you through this. Not searching for Dilaudid.. you have worked to hard to go down that road again.

Can you call a friend or a sponsor right now?

Impurrfect

I think the fact that you're 7 days without alcohol may have something to do with it. Sounds like your mind is used to something to feel a bit better, and now that the alcohol is gone, it's bringing up past "wants".

I'm glad you didn't find the dilaudid, and hope that if you do, you throw it away. You know where that will lead you.

Good job on 7 days without alcohol and almost 5 years off opiates!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

awesomeame

Thanks. Yes, I need to get it out of the house. I'm doing ok this morning, so I'm going to try to find it again so I can get rid of it....I think I know where it is. Looking back at last night I'm still blown away by how strong the cravings were, and now nothing. How frustrating.

I just love that I'm going to get to deal with addictions for what seems like the rest of my life....does it not ever go away?? No sponsor or real friends over here either, it's just me in my enormous house sitting in the dark saving hydro, ha. Great life for a 30yo.

Matt

anavrin

its so great to hear your doing good. This is a wonderful place to be. So much support.

Impurrfect

(((Matt))) - glad you're feeling better. I don't look it, so much, as having to deal with addiction the rest of my life. I know it's still there, I just pay more attention to what I'm really feeling when the "I want to get numb" feelings get stirred. Usually, it's fear, frustration, or the good old "hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT)" stuff. The more I realize what I'm feeling, that the feeling isn't going to kill me, though it's often uncomfortable, and I don't use, the rarer those using feelings come up.

I live a pretty solitary life - not many RL friends, but spend a lot of time here and try to get out of the house and around people when I feel like I'm suffocating.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Threshold

Get rid of it.

I used to keep a just in case stash too. And darn if I didn't occasionally fine a reason to dip into it. It's gone now, and I have those "what was I thinking" moments, then realize that I was thinking that someday a craving might come and I'd use, so I'd better ditch the stuff.

Now if a craving comes, I can't easily fill it, so I wait it out. Sort of like when I get a craving to quit my job and go live on a beach. It's not practical, it would take a lot to do, so I let it go and move on.

If I believed that the rest of my life would be me white knuckling through cravings...and yes I once DID believe that, hence my stash. I would cave. Coming here and reading, and a few regretful idiot sessions, convinced me that living clean is not living with my jaw clenched and my fists balled.

It does get better, lots better, and I keep my sights on that rather than on the not using. I am more likely to get whatever it is I am focusing on. SO I focus on what I want, and move in that direction. When the cravings come up, I tell myself I don't do that anymore and do something else. Not always as easy as that sentence makes it sound, but that IS the crux of it.

awesomeame

OK, well I got rid of my stash. Apparently my 'just-in-case' stash was WAY better stocked than I remembered...no tiny little jar, but like $1500+ of dilaudid, morphine, and imovane...WTF was I thinking keeping this stuff around. Damnit, was it ever good I didn't find it last night. Glad I obviously packed it away really well when I last moved my household...but fu@k, I was in tears and crying earlier today when I dumped it. Ive beaten myself up pretty bad today and yesterday. Onward I guess. Back to sitting in the dark saving hydro..fun :P

Matt

awesomeame

Those two go hand in hand for me. Constantly lonely, which causes frustration, and more loneliness. Most definitely the two things which pushed me to alcohol & drugs. But ya know alcohol and drugs don`t help much in the loneliness dept either.,,,argh

Matt

awesomeame

I really don't know what my major defect is. I'm shy as hell, but can't overcome it with women it seems. SO I stay lonely and frustrated, turning to alcohol and drugs. Put me in front of 200 males to teach and train, and I have no issues....I can blah blah blah all day long with absolute confidence. Put me one on one with an available female and I just fail...someone who isn't available is safe and no issues...bleh. I don't exactly come from the poor side of the tracks, my parents are solid, I had (and continue to have) an exceptionally privilaged upbringing/life....but why I ended up like this I have noooo idea. With no idea on how to fix it, either, I might add.

Matt

ryan1983

I know the loneliness part is hard, I am dealing with it now and have been for a long time, still don't know what to do, I see other buddies getting chicks that they don't deserve and I have so much shame and guilt over my addiction that I don't feel like I deserve anyone. I always tell myself that what is meant to be will be, I wonder if us being addicts has anything to do with not being good with females, I used to be just fine with girls, keeping some around for years at a time, until they got sick of me, loneliness fuels addiction and addiction fuels isolation. I kind of "woke" up a while back and realized that I was almost 30 single, made good money doing what I wanted but was flat miserable, been trying to change things since, main thing is my pill addiction, which hasn't been very successful as of late, but I am trying and slowly figuring some things out. What do you mean by sitting in the dark saving hydro? Great job on throwing that crap out too, I know how hard that must have been, but you are better for it, a just in case stash is asking for trouble, mine has caused me plenty of relapses...

awesomeame

Yup I'm pretty miserable over here too, Ryan. Worst is I let the most awesome girl slip away from me just recently, just 'cause I was too shy to say "hey, i like you." Aw well. I'm sure I'll have more opportunities to disappoint myself in the future again, ha.

I like your "loneliness fuels addiction and addiction fuels isolation" SO true. And more isolation fuels more addiction...endless cycle.

Sitting in the dark saving hydro is just what it says, lol. I'm sitting here surfing the net in the dark to save electricity :P Nice pathetic life I have eh

Matt

ryan1983

It is an endless cycle for sure, you don't realize you're in it until you are trying to find a way out. I think the hardest thing for me with getting sober is the fact that I realize that I don't have many good friends, most my friends now are people that I get high with, and the good friends I do have are all over me about getting off pills, but they drink hard every weekend and smoke weed nightly. It's hard on the relationship, with me not wanting to hear it and my friends feeling like it is their duty as a friend to help me thru this. Mainly just the overall loneliness and depression that bring me back to using every time I try and quit. Quick little girl story, dated a girl for 3 years into our early 20's, we were perfect gonna get married blah blah blah, she cheated on me, we broke up, me and her sister became best friends for the last 8-9 years or so, best friends through her failed marriage, she helped me through a few more bad break ups, and we were totally just friends, slept in the same bed dozens of times and nothing ever happened, anyway, about two months ago we were at dinner and I told her I was thinking about moving to get out of the whole drug scene, long story short, we confess our love to each other and hook up and act like we are married for a week or so, then she freaks out and says that her sister would never forgive her and it would tear her family apart, so we need to quit talking, we have been best friends for 9 years, were talking about moving in together and are still completely in love and we have to quit talking?? WTF! I am not a ladies man, I have had a few long relationships but I am terrible at meeting new girls and when I fall in love I fall hard and take break ups bad, my counselor tells me that its the addict in me (another bright side of addiction!) so I managed to lose my best friend and a person who I could and would spend the rest of my life with, pretty much decided that life's a bitch... Hopefully one day it will all make sense, right?