checkmate1

I got to the point in my life where I was happy 6 months clean and sober. Then i took a drink, then had some weed, then it was ice. I think this is the relapse that I needed to have. My family know little about this relapse these last 3 weeks. I have a good friend who I think i can depend on of the female kind. So hope that works out. There is nothing in the drink, weed or ice that I am really looking for. I figured that much out. Each one didn't make me feel any clearer or took me to a level I wanted. Sobriety was much better so am looking to go back there everything I did on all that crap I can do sober. Also figured out that most people are about the almighty dollar just an observation these last few weeks. 2 days sober and clean today I am also looking to study in the new year so if I get into that things will be on the up. I'm lucky to have stayed in good mental and physical shape after this one will have to remember that I could have lost everything this time still hasn't registered but I'm sure it will. Thankfull that yet again I have been given the ultimate second chance I will move forward. Thanks FT if your out there!

FT

Hi checkmate!

Hey, dude, I am one of your FANS!

Look, as I told you, relapse is such a part of recovery over the long term, it is hugely studied to see WHY that it is.

I don't care WHY. I just care that you take it for what it is, examine it carefully, then leave it behind.

Some people relapse over and over. I did. Maybe you have. At some point, though, you come to a realization that it doesn't do any good and can even become a permanent condition.

You are articulate and intelligent. There is so much to learn, and the more you do, the more you realize you don't know. Going back to school, or studying in whatever fashion you choose, would be an excellent way out of any kind of self doubt or self esteem issues you may be caught up in.

The famous quote, "knowledge is power", is attributed to Sir Francis Bacon, Religious Meditations, Of Heresies, 1597, English author, courtier, & philosopher (1561 - 1626). Hey, if a dude in the 1500's had it figured out, just think of where you can take it. LOL

Don't hold back. Hit it. Kick it. Hope this lady friend works out. Whether she does or not, your head is getting screwed back on straight. Don't let negative people stop you.

FT

1983ritag

Glad to see that you are picking yourself up so fast. It sounds alot like my last relapse which started with the doctor prescribing me vicodin and ended with a car accident with just about every drug in my system. No one got hurt and for some reason i didn't go to jail, but i think I needed that relapse. It really woke me up and put things into perspective. That's when I realized I will never be able to moderate my drinking. I can never put another substance into my body because I know where it will lead, and things just get worse. I'm very thankful for all the lessons I learned in my last relapse. Keep your head up! Good to have you back!

checkmate1

Thanks FT and rit unfortunately I have picked up the drink again. Thinking the drug thing is completely overrated. I thought that ice was gonna blow me off the map but it didn't and glad it didn't, thought that marijuarna was going to take me higher but failed miserably again into a paranoid, anxious person. I've scrapped the study idea for now and am looking for work in a hospital which I did do for 7 years and am qualified in this area until the drugs ruined me. These last 4 weeks have been a total what the hell is going on situation. I feel it isn't a family problem or a friend problem but a social one. So to get out of isolation I am now looking for work. Weird I know considering I relapsed you would think this would be the last thing I should do. A couple of friends and especially family are counting on me to do this, something, anything. I have completely gone against my word and took drugs again and when questioned about it blamed it on alcohol just because I can. I haven't got a job and that is only the thing that is missing at the moment some normality to my life. I am well enough to take this on as a man and do my best hopefully find what I'm looking for.

FT

Hey checkmate,

I've been following your struggle for awhile now, and I totally get it.

The part I totally get is that you haven't discovered where you belong yet, you don't know your path. When I was younger, I found that position to be a very scary place, not knowing which direction to take in my life.

The reason I think the school thing would be a good idea for you is that you get exposed to differing viewpoints and you discover what the possibilities for your life are. You don't even have to know what your focus is to get started. But exposure to other people who are at your level intellectually would be very important to your growth. You may be surprised to find how many other guys are also struggling with similar problems to yours.

If you haven't yet checked out financial aid for school, you should do that. It is available. It's how I was able to go back for another degree at my old age. If old bags like me can do that, you can do that.

Checkmate, don't give up. Your lapses into substances should not be viewed as obstacles, but lessons learned.

Forget about who thinks you need to do what. I think it is time to start doing things because YOU want to do them. Working is fine, but hitting the books is better.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. For what it's worth, I'm here and I'm listening.

FT

checkmate1

thanks FT today I will stay sober and clean. Day 1 again but after last night during and especially after drinking I was drenched in sweat and perspiring heavily my whole body even on my arms and legs. I know this is no way to live my life. I told my parents everything and to there shock finally realized that its my life to live and its my choice how to lead it. I'm feeling good today even though I had a heavy drinking session last night. I have the interview for the job on Tuesday. The best I can do for myself is to stay sober for this and for the future. I have many doubts about this interview. Not going to stress about it and just let it happen and even if I don't get it will be step forward regardless and there are many other opportunities I can look at now that I'm well enough to work. So many years of unemployment and addiction has destroyed my self-esteem. I am reading Dharma Punx by Noah Levine for the second time what a great inspiring story to read.

eJoshua

Hang in there bud. I saw your name on the recent posts and had to drop in and see what you were up to. Sorry to hear about your relapse, but you'll get back better and stronger than before in no time.

FT

Hey checkmate,

I'll have to check out that story.

Hang in there. You can do this. Congratulations on making the decision to move forward, seize control over your destiny, and realizing the best thing you can do is stay clean.

You are such an intelligent young man. I see it in your words. I see it in your experiences and how you have pulled away from the life that was destroying you. Yes, I realize your feet have touched the fire again, but it's not too late to pull them back out again.

You have a lot to offer the world. The way you can best accomplish that is through education. Nothing is ever lost in that effort. I almost hope you don't get that job so that you won't be tied down to something that might hold you back. But I hope you get it if it the right thing for you right now.

Take care. You are important. You mean something. And, by the way, good on ya for telling the folks.

FT

checkmate1

I was in bed all day today and was convinced that I would not drink. Its now 3.40am and I gave into the beer my doc. The thoughts are just of pure pleasure how else can you explain the dependency. I'm an alcoholic and a drug user that can't even handle drugs at all. My old man got told by his doctor that I should be kicked out of the house with another drunken or drug episode. This doctor is also my doctor so it comes down to who can you trust in this world. When your told that you are worse sober than on marijuana or alcohol on your 6 month sobriety date by your close ones you doubt your judgement I even went down to the hospital to check if I was still sain and of course I was. It has been 4 weeks off the wagon. I had a good night out last night listening to some of my Oz hip hop artists. I drank but as long as you don't disturb others isn't it cool to have a good night out. hmmm I have 3 good friends at the moment 1 is married who is more concerned about gambling another that has been traumatised by abuse she is having panic attacks regularly while out and about and the third I just don't know where he is going at all probably jail which means I lose another friend. That is all I have but everybody is dysfunctional even myself who is more wrong than the rest of my friends.

FT

Checkmate,

I still mean everything I said in my above post.

The only thing that is going to change your drinking is a change inside your brain that recognizes the potential for seizing control over your life. You discovered it a few months ago, but the pulls from the other part of yourself -- your addict brain part -- are talking louder and you are listening.

You are a smart dude who should be in school. I'm not kidding. You aren't around enough people who you can relate to who have "made it" out of dark living. That's what it is, you know. There's a certain attraction to it that I understand. It's a place where you don't have to do anything, don't have to make any decisions, don't have to think. Because thinking means self-reflection, and self-reflection hurts right now.

Like I keep telling you, it isn't too late to pull away from that dark place. But who can do that for long without a direction to go in? Think about what I said.

You aren't a bad guy, so quit beating yourself up. Your good friends are not good for you right now. Read Eckhart Tolle if you can. "A New Earth". Read about the "pain body". Hell, read the whole thing, about ego, etc. I really think you would relate.

FT

checkmate1

Hey FT didn't even realized you posted until looking now. Unfortunately the way I feel tonight the job thing is looking very doubtful and the course i wanted to get into (nursing) is closing very soon. The job thing can get back at anytime so not to stressed. Yes that book was great nothing else comes close but when he talks about the old days growing up it is good.

checkmate1

I have to agree with you FT...I'm an orderly and it was my 18th birthday that I finished the course and started to work in hospitals. When I saw people with jaundice in the hospitals I didn't think much else but extremely sick people. When I went to the pharmacy I saw heroin addicts waiting for there methadone yelling at there young children telling them to shut up and asking them "Are you in the methadone program". I left my old job behind purely for money sake and pushed by my parents and the people I worked with were at least 10 to 40 years older than me and I couldn't relate because I was lacking life experience.

FT

Get into that nursing class before it closes!

Seriously, dude. You're entering my profession, and I'm here to tell ya you couldn't go wrong with that degree.

FT

checkmate1

Yes I believe you. It's nursing or orderly work. I know I can make a difference. To buzzed to think now.

FT

You WILL make a difference. That I promise you.

FT