wlaney

I dont really know where to start but here is the deal. I had the woman of my dreams while an active alcoholic. We lived together and talked about our future regularly. I believe that we were truly in love and God put us in each others lives but... I royally screwed up. I was not a responsible party in that relationship.

In the mornings, while she was getting ready for work and thinking she had the most wonderful man in her life, I was laying in bed shaking, sweating and having anxiety attacks thinking how am I going to drink today. She had all the money so I would sneak into her purse and take $5 here or $10 there. And as soon as I had that money my axiety immediately went away. I also pawned some of her things but did get them back eventually. Sick, sick, sick... We obviously broke up and she has moved on. I went on a drinking tear after we broke up. I lived in and out of blackouts for 4 months. Doing things I didnt know I did and waking up in my car not knowing how I got there. And tried suicide three times because I hated the alcoholic in me.

I have been sober since Aug 12 and actively working the steps with a sponsor. I was at a point of pure dispair drinking everyday from when I woke up to when I passed out. The turning point was when I asked God to kill me or put me in jail. I got my second DUI and sat in jail. THANK GOD!!

So, I finally feel a sense of peace in my heart. Knowing that the disease / cravings of alcohol gave me anxiety and the antithesis of God said it was okay to steal from and lie to her. I've been sober for almost three months and now on step 8 and 9.

But I beat myself up daily thinking how in the world could someone do that to the people that I love the most. Its insane. She royally hates my guts and cannot trust me what-so-ever and rather that I stay out of her life for good. But I would do anything to make my amends to remove the guilt and shame so I can move on with my life and stay sober.

Please help...

EricL

Making my amends has nothing to do removing my guilt or shame, it is wrong of me to push my amends on someone simply to relieve myself. I made my amends in order to be of service. Sometimes that service was honoring their simple request of staying out of their lives. I don't get to choose how I make a situation right, that is up to god and the person I had harmed. In fact, the whole amends process has very little to do with me at all.

I'd encourage you to consider your motives in making this amend, and if you find them to be true all we can do is offer the other person the opportunity to receive the amend, the rest is out of our control.

Music

Are you doing those things now? Probably not because you're no longer "drug affected." It serves no useful purpose to keep treating yourself with contempt. You're doing the only thing you can do to not be the person you used to be. And remember, you're not the only person whose done those terrible things. I did my share too! Thing is, I realize that the only reason I'm where I'm at today is because God loved me enough to let me hurt enough to want to get sober. I don't have to hurt any more. I don't have to drink any more. What a gift!! That DUI you talked about. What a gift!! It saved your life. The woman hates the person you used to be. She may love the person you're becomming but you don't have the right to inject yourself into her life today. If you're meant to be together again, God will take care of that. Don't sabotage your sobriety by spending any more time regretting the past. Focus on yourself and staying sober. Everything else will work out the way it's supposed to. The AA program can be summed up in six words. Trust God, Clean House and Help Others. If you concentrate on those six words, you'll have more than enough to do to occupy your time.

wlaney

I appreciate y'alls responses. And I do have to be careful as to what my intentions are. Of course I would would be forever greatful if the amend was recieved and things got patched up. But chances are that is not happening. I just continually pray for forgiveness of myself and from others in my daily routine. Because I know that the person who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with is who I really am, and even better version now. But that damage is done and left in to Gods hands.

What were your experiences?

keithj

Well, I was in a similar (I think) situation with my ex wife. I was 3-4 months sober, in the middle of Step 9, and I really, really wanted to put that relationship with her behind me. I had seen some real truth about the harm I had caused her, and I wanted to make it right.

Fortunately, she wasn't interested in the least about my amends process. She closed the door on it and that was that. God, I felt cheated and ripped off of the opportunity (to alleviate my guilt). However, it turned out to be a great gift. I continued to live according the principles of the Steps. Maybe I even grew up or progressed a little, and I remained willing to set right the damage I'd caused if I ever had the opportunity. A few years later, after consistently working the program and going where it took me, I had the opportunity to make that amends. The trust had been restored, and it had a whole lot more meaning for her than it would have in those first few months.

I was able to make that amends as a way of helping her get over some of the hurt and anger she still felt. It wasn't about me anymore. It was all about being helpful to her. It was a huge difference from what it would have been if she had allowed me to make that amends at 3 months sober.

These things have a way of working out if I stay willing and stay in the actions suggested.

Taking5

Please re-read step 9:

You may be in a situation where the amends are not possible because your ex is just unwilling to accept them. Be patient. I know of people who went years before their amends were possible for exactly this reason.

PaperDolls

Please remember, making amends is not about the outcome. It's about humbling ourselves and admitting our wrongs and where possible, make things right ......expecting a certain response or outcome isn't a good place to be. With that said, there is always hope .... just be careful of expectations.

In my experience, my words didn't have much meaning in the end, only my actions. I have to continue to try to practice these principles in all my affairs. Those are my continuous amends and it's lifelong.

wlaney

Thank you everyone for your responses. Although in early sobriety it is difficult not to think about, "If I had not done this or that then we would be..." But that is playing God, right!? My intentions are to soley just to make amends. And pray for what His will is. But I am thankful for being sober today. I enjoy going to AA meetings because I see success stories there and I feel safe. Today I am a success story.

EricL

Sounds like you're still wallowing in selfishness and self pity. Get out of yourself, carry your message to people who are hurting, pray that god shows you how to be of service instead of asking for forgiveness.

Going through the amends process will undoubtedly resolve a lot of things in your life. I would encourage you get on the horse and start contacting people you harmed and offering your amends.

wlaney

Eric and eveyone else. I just know I will do WHATEVER it takes to keep me from going through and putting people through pure Hell ever again. What keeps me going is that fear of utter absolute dispair. I run from it.

A woman at church last night walked up to me just to talk. She had NEVER met me before. She basically told me my life story without knowing anything about me. Saying she knows there are resentments at home, that my heart hurts and that I carry a burden. But not to worry because God sees great things and I can be of service to others.

So I expanded a bit on my recent past and said I am a recovering alcoholic. Her response: "I know, I am also an alcoholic..." Absolutely blew me away.