So sick of messing my life up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Douglasville, Georgia
Posts: 7
So sick of messing my life up.
I am an Addict, I've been one all my life. I 1st came in the rooms in 1996 and started working the program, my 1st year I actually did 4 meetings a day everyday. My life at the time was where it was possible for me to do that, after I got out of treatment I was so afraid of myself and the world that was the only way I could get thru each day. I found my sponsor, we started working the steps and building my program.
For five and a half years it was great, I got involved in service, even was a temporary sponsor to a couple of new comers, all with guidance from my own sponsor. When back to school and got my GED and went on into tech school and started a new career. Life was good and I thought it was all over for me.
At the time I kelp a journal of my feelings I was dealing with about some abuse that I went thru as a kid. It was sexual and my feelings on why it happen and why it brought me comfort. Feelings I never intended to share with anyone, not even my sponsor. My wife and daughter found it and took it upon themselves to read it. I didn't know anything about that until after I had came to terms with that part of my pass, forgiven myself and my abusers and burnt the journal. Man I Felt So Free!!
Well then my wife, in her heartless way lets me in own what her and my daughter had done and says it's my fault. To say I was pissed is a understatement, the anger turned to fear and the fear brought back that scared 9 year old boy that just wanted and needed a father.
I instead of working my program, talking it over with my sponsor and/or find a meeting that I would have been comfortable talking about this in, I use it to start using again and I walked away from my my program and push in deeper down inside in hopes it would just go away, or I get up enough nerve to kill myself.
Today I am unemployed, homeless, totally along and so suicidal I can't understand why I'm even still here. I've tried talking with therapist about this, I've just not found any I believe that cares. My only escape is to get high and dream how I wish my life could be.
For five and a half years it was great, I got involved in service, even was a temporary sponsor to a couple of new comers, all with guidance from my own sponsor. When back to school and got my GED and went on into tech school and started a new career. Life was good and I thought it was all over for me.
At the time I kelp a journal of my feelings I was dealing with about some abuse that I went thru as a kid. It was sexual and my feelings on why it happen and why it brought me comfort. Feelings I never intended to share with anyone, not even my sponsor. My wife and daughter found it and took it upon themselves to read it. I didn't know anything about that until after I had came to terms with that part of my pass, forgiven myself and my abusers and burnt the journal. Man I Felt So Free!!
Well then my wife, in her heartless way lets me in own what her and my daughter had done and says it's my fault. To say I was pissed is a understatement, the anger turned to fear and the fear brought back that scared 9 year old boy that just wanted and needed a father.
I instead of working my program, talking it over with my sponsor and/or find a meeting that I would have been comfortable talking about this in, I use it to start using again and I walked away from my my program and push in deeper down inside in hopes it would just go away, or I get up enough nerve to kill myself.
Today I am unemployed, homeless, totally along and so suicidal I can't understand why I'm even still here. I've tried talking with therapist about this, I've just not found any I believe that cares. My only escape is to get high and dream how I wish my life could be.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,958
I'm sure as you know staying stuck in active addiction is no answer. What is keeping you from returning to AA where you write it helped you so much?
I hope you can get back to the things that have helped you in the past.
I hope you can get back to the things that have helped you in the past.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Douglasville, Georgia
Posts: 7
I've tried to get back into AA, I don't have the desire it takes to live the program. Nothing against AA at all, it's a beautiful thing and if you're willing to do your part it does work.
Honestly; I'm so sick of my life and this world right now, if I ever develop and willingness to stay in it I would have to be working the program of AA.
Honestly; I'm so sick of my life and this world right now, if I ever develop and willingness to stay in it I would have to be working the program of AA.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Oh Jerome! I'm not surprised that pushed you over the edge. I won't comment about your wife, it's probably better I don't.
And anyway, this is about you now. I am so so sorry you went through that as such a young kid. I have some knowledge of what sexual abuse can do to a person and how disempowered and "guilty" you can feel, even when it is not at all your fault - and at nine years old I don't really see how you could have been to blame!!!!!!
I know it's really hard to live with intense pain like that, but your life is precious!
I hope today, or tomorrow, or one day really soon you will wake up and know that yourself.
You were done a grave injustice, the abuse and also your wife's betrayal of your privacy. So why do we human beings set out to destroy ourselves even more when we've been hurt? It's a question nobody really knows the answer to, but you are certainly not alone.
here is always hope! Drugs and alcohol make you feel like there isn't any, but there is, and you are really deserving of a break, my friend! xxxx
And anyway, this is about you now. I am so so sorry you went through that as such a young kid. I have some knowledge of what sexual abuse can do to a person and how disempowered and "guilty" you can feel, even when it is not at all your fault - and at nine years old I don't really see how you could have been to blame!!!!!!
I know it's really hard to live with intense pain like that, but your life is precious!
I hope today, or tomorrow, or one day really soon you will wake up and know that yourself.
You were done a grave injustice, the abuse and also your wife's betrayal of your privacy. So why do we human beings set out to destroy ourselves even more when we've been hurt? It's a question nobody really knows the answer to, but you are certainly not alone.
here is always hope! Drugs and alcohol make you feel like there isn't any, but there is, and you are really deserving of a break, my friend! xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Douglasville, Georgia
Posts: 7
Feeling better today, got some good news this morning about a job. And it looks good for me getting it, that's the best therapy I could get right now, start feeling useful and productive again. I have not gotten high now in two weeks and 1 day, and just for today I am going to make a real honest effort to take that crap back out of my life, by picking up another white chip and start at step one again.
I have a daughter that has just got married, I would like to get to know my son n law a little better. My daughter has a daughter and a son from another marriage I'm not ready to say goodbye to them, I want them to know their Real PawPaw.
I have a son that is getting married in the spring, I want to be their for that and any grandchildren they may give me.
The worse possible thing I could do in this life of mine, is to turn by back on the love and support that I know is here for me.
Even though my marriage is over, she's been in my life for 32 years and we did make and raise two kids together. It would be nice to build a friendship with her.
Thank you milo88, I feel I'm deserving of a break myself. I believe I'm going to start earning that break.
Thank you Zencat, I'm going to stop keeping myself from returning to the one place in this world that I fit in at.
I have a daughter that has just got married, I would like to get to know my son n law a little better. My daughter has a daughter and a son from another marriage I'm not ready to say goodbye to them, I want them to know their Real PawPaw.
I have a son that is getting married in the spring, I want to be their for that and any grandchildren they may give me.
The worse possible thing I could do in this life of mine, is to turn by back on the love and support that I know is here for me.
Even though my marriage is over, she's been in my life for 32 years and we did make and raise two kids together. It would be nice to build a friendship with her.
Thank you milo88, I feel I'm deserving of a break myself. I believe I'm going to start earning that break.
Thank you Zencat, I'm going to stop keeping myself from returning to the one place in this world that I fit in at.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Jerome....I'm so sorry your life took a downturn. The doors of AA are always open. It's only TODAY we don't drink or use drugs. Hope you keep posting, you're an inspiration for us all. God bless.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,958
Good for you Jerome.
Keep doing anything that fosters a hopeful attitude. Once the prospect is planted in the mind that a better future is possible, anything is possible.
Keep doing anything that fosters a hopeful attitude. Once the prospect is planted in the mind that a better future is possible, anything is possible.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Jerome ... I've been sober 20 years and during that part time have seen so much loss. The first ten years were a period of growth and expansion but during the past six years I've lost the most important people in my life, suffered financially and gone into a serious depression. I've always known that drinking is suicide so there's some part of me that's healthy, I suppose.
But what I also learned in sobriety is to take my own inventory and acknowledge when I'm responsible for the bad stuff in my life. By doing this I don't feel like a victim and see where I can change. I've also learned that I'm a terrible fortune teller and have stopped projecting doom and gloom. Everything changes, especially me.
My point is while there is breath there is hope. We can't think ourselves out of misery but we can take action. So I suggest going to a meeting anyway and saying "I need help". When we do this the universe gives us everything we need.
A hug...
But what I also learned in sobriety is to take my own inventory and acknowledge when I'm responsible for the bad stuff in my life. By doing this I don't feel like a victim and see where I can change. I've also learned that I'm a terrible fortune teller and have stopped projecting doom and gloom. Everything changes, especially me.
My point is while there is breath there is hope. We can't think ourselves out of misery but we can take action. So I suggest going to a meeting anyway and saying "I need help". When we do this the universe gives us everything we need.
A hug...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
Welcome Jerome! I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through! There is so much support here. Sometimes things have a way of surfacing from our past. Seems like always at the wrong time too! Congrats on the week and one day!!! Please keep coming great people here!!! hug
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