LoneHistoric

I don't know what exactly is wrong with me. I have had a couple single therapy sessions in the past, but I can't afford to pay a stranger to understand.

Basically I have many symptoms of schizophrenia. But, and this is not to stroke my ego at all, I have above average intelligence and it helps with coping and frankly hiding my issues. (I would gladly be dumb as a rock if I could make a friend or hold on to a woman for more than a few months). I have been addicted to cocaine and heroin, the latter being the usher to my rock bottom. I have been completely clean for over four years, but do have some semi-recent struggles with alcohol which I am working my ass off to cure.

My mental issues affect me every day. If I get close to someone, I tell them about my issues and past. Only negative consequences ensue and they run for the hills. But when I do not tell them, I feel dishonest and my behavior becomes confusing which repulses them anyway. Some people just leave, others lose trust and tell others to watch out, and some openly ridicule and get others to join. I will be 28 years old in two months, have a good job, almost finished a second graduate degree. My success is due to the fact that I have no friends or family and plenty of time to stay busy doing other things.

I can function fine when I keep everyone at arms length. I **** you not every single attempt in my life to reach out and make a friend, to get close to a woman, I get burned, betrayed, or left. I am very nice, never ever angry or violent, decent looking and well-read, have a variety of interests and talents. Love music, sports and exercise, art and literature, building and electronics, you name it. I am good at everything except one thing - I really stink with connecting to people on a personal level. I've read books, received a million opinions, and studied the subject. I have tried hard and been indifferent. Nothing works.

The fact is that I am weird. I do sometimes see and hear things which do not exist. I have my own coping mechanisms and can recognize it immediately. It never affects my work or life (or lack thereof). I am either super emotional with love and crying and deep intellect - Or I am a complete stoic rock with indifference and apathy. The girlfriends I have had are usually incredibly messed up, emotionally needy and crazy.... the one that was not tried to help and got fed up.... and the most recent attempt to date ended with a bombshell that she told my coworkers about how weird I am, even though she herself remains very nice to me. I am so sick and tired of managing my existence. I am exhausted. I would never do anything drastic to end my life, ever, but I won't lie I've thought about it. Big difference between thinking and doing... but holy crap I am so incredibly tired. I just want a single person to understand me. Even other psychotic people don't understand. There is something uniquely wrong with me and I can't live like this anymore.

Zanthos

I can relate. I "function" well too. I am intelligent and have lots of interests and activities. However, I have no close family and I have consistently failed at building relationships and friendships. I feel utterly alone in the world and don't know how to enjoy the company of other people. I feel like there is something very wrong with me and I don't know what it is. I am scared that I will continue to be alone indefinitely. I feel like I could die of loneliness or maybe start drinking or drugging again.

One thing I know, though, is that it is pointless and foolish for me to nurture the hope and expectation of being "understood". Nobody cares if I live or die, at least not enough to pick up the phone and call me and ask how I'm doing. The years I've spent reaching out to others have not resulted in anyone wanting to be my friend.

The only hope I can imagine lies in the selflessness of learning how to better care about others. I believe, because I don't know what else to believe, that if I can truly forget myself and be a force of love and compassion and helpfulness to others, then maybe I have a chance of finding my way out of this overwhelming sense of isolation and disconnectedness. I look to the Prayer of St. Francis for guidance because my way of trying to move through life just leaves me sad.

And if love of others and selflessness really are the answer, then the cause of my unhappiness is really not a mystery. For I remain essentially self-centered and self-regarding in my outlook and pursuit of life. I seek my own comfort and satisfaction above all else. And then i am unhappy and wonder why no one loves me.

No wonder.

LoneHistoric

I work for a non-profit and my entire day consists of helping people and a community in any way that I can. I run fundraisers, preserve traditions, build positive futures, and involve myself in the improvement of humanity.

On my own, due to my solitary existence, I volunteer and donate my time to good causes either by helping others directly or through groups small and large who are dedicated to making a better world.

Now, when I finally get home and have my own time, I am extremely selfish. But this time is limited.

What I truly want more than anything is to share my life with someone special. I want both my selflessness and selfishness to be for a reason - and I want her to share her life with me. Even doing all these things, I don't have a chance to meet a lot of people my own age or who have compatible mentalities.

If the solution is to give, than it's not working for me. I give and give and give. I love to to do it, but it's wearing thin because I feel it to be meaningless. I want to share it with someone I love. But no one gets what they deserve. Ever.

mhealer3

i agree that the we try many solutions,
each ending in futility after awhile.

but the absence of God in people's conciousness yields that drugery.

i hope you'll each take time to be quiet with God, long enough to hear Him.

He will not scold or be disaproving--don't believe in an angry God.

since Jesus bore our sorrows, God is never able to be angry with us.
Jesus was able to satisfy God's justice on our behalf, giving His Life 4 us.

waste not this Gift of Grace. we can't stand ourselves, but God Loves us.
don't wait any longer to draw close 2 that unconditional Love God is.

it's not found anywhere in the world, although people search 4 soulmates.
get refreshed with the Good News that God is not mad @ you.
He is waiting to run into your hearts if you'll open them to Him.
be blessed. ................................m in ny state

NYCDoglvr

You are not required to tell everyone everything about yourself. Getting to know someone is a gradual process and revealing information like this should only be done after you get to know the person. Then it's much more unlikely that you'll be judged negatively.

It is critical to see a psychiatrist about this because there is medication that can help a great deal. Every city has social services programs. You don't have to go on suffering like this.

LoneHistoric

mhealer: I truly respect your system of beliefs, especially when it helps you and others find sobriety, inner peace, and success with soul and in life. And I appreciate your kind words. I have a very different kind of faith, but I do have a powerful faith which keeps me alive.

NYC: If I could afford regular therapy I would do it in a second and stick with it once I found a good person to whom I could talk about personal issues. However, I will not take medications. I cannot bring myself to alter my brain anymore, and I am so stubborn I must figure this out in natural state. I realize the risks and realize it sounds as though I do not want to help myself. But I have principles and I have faith in myself. I have deep faith I can fix my mind with heart and calm logic.

Thank you to all for your replies.

itisatruth

I hope you keep that faith in yourself.

It makes me mad when people criticize what they don't understand, and I'd like to encourage you to not take those ideas to heart - what I mean is, you are not weird, you are not 'wrong'. I don't want to sound....like one of those totally positive people that makes light of things....but I do really believe that just because a person doesn't fit into some neat, easy, acceptable social sphere that there is something inherently wrong with him/her. People are different and there is nothing wrong with that. Honestly, I'd venture to say that you have things to offer that are positive, and you haven't met a woman who can appreciate you. You sound a lot like someone I'm close to, and I'm telling you the same things I tell him.

You said you were exhausted. That's not good for anyone. If I may, I suggest taking more time for yourself. There are anonymous, and free, support groups out there where you can feel free to express your feelings without fear of repercussions. It helps to lighten the load, and maybe make some real, meaningful connections with people who understand. No one knows what the future will bring, but I do know that in the meantime, taking care of yourself, no matter what, is a great place to start.

I wish you well.

MisterHockey09

Preface: I am also very strange, while masquerading in daylight as an attractive, (I've been told) cultured, graduate student. My closest friends even tell me I have sociopathic qualities. Yay!

Moving on...I've known two paranoid schizophrenics and have quite a few friends who went to med school for psychiatry or became therapists. If you can recognize that you have symptoms and logically overcome them/cope either you have the mildest case I ever heard of or you're not schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is degenerative in nature and if you really think you have it you need to get on meds because eventually things will get worse...much worse.

I am not in the psych field but you sound more bi-polar to me - "super emotional or apathetic." Most of your comments sound like severe depression, which is something I've dealt with personally. It is not going to get fixed in an online forum. You need to figure out a way to get professional help. Sorry to be blunt.

As far as women go...I've been through more than my fair share of the emotionally needy/crazy ones. I'm a lot like you can it seems guys like us are always attracted to them. I've learned to recognize that kind of crazy and stay far, far away from it.

And finally, I too have made the tragic mistake of putting all of my self-esteem in the "ability to maintain a 'normal' relationship" basket. You've gotta get comfortable in your own skin before you bring somebody else into the picture. Strangeness -> rejection -> fear or rejection -> more awkwardness -> depression is one heck of a vicious cycle that I've done myself. Yeah, I finally got myself squared away on my own, but it took the last nine years. If I could do it over, I would go get professional help and actually listen to them instead of giving them Hannibal Lecter treatment - if that makes any sense.

Ignorance is bliss...us smart people have it hard.

LoneHistoric

I do not know if I am schizophrenic, or bipolar. It appears I have symptoms of both. But I do know that I am not a sociopath. I do not have any friends at all partly due to my past relationships with drug induced sociopaths. And I did get far, far away. I have immense empathy for others and do not go around conning people or taking advantage of situations without remorse. I am highly capable of lasting love and feel deeply for those in my life, strangers or not. Unfortunately I have encountered, falsely trusted, and/or befriended so many people who have sociopathic qualities...which is why I begin to question my own mental state. Maybe it's that a vast majority of people don't give a damn about anyone else, claim to have answers they can't properly communicate, and are genuinely afraid of truth (which they quickly respond to with malice), or, I have completely lost my mind and my steadfast faith in humanity is ignorant and blind.

Again, the first sentence of my post reads "I do not know exactly what is wrong with me." And neither do you, no matter what I sound like. So easy to suggest professional help and medications, as if they are novel ideas. If I had a couple hundred dollars of free cash a week, or even per month, to spend on professional help I would have done it a long time ago. And drugs in any form are just not the answer.

My self-esteem is fine. If it wasn't I would drown in my flaws and self-pity, or mask my insecurities by projecting some false grandiose BS by putting down everyone else because I feel them to be a threat. Instead, I recognize my weakness and work to improve. I continue to reach out and try to make friends by being kind, funny, and authentic with the risk that my assumption of goodness in others may be a mistake. We'll see if I keep getting burned for the rest of my life. In short, I may very well be ignorant. But I'd rather be a fool than a fraud any day.

Ashlynn29

[B][I can relate 100%!! I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar as a teen. Along with severe Anxiety. At that time, 15yrs ago, the help and meds are a lot better than before. Use to, doctors though a pill could make someone normal again. Wrong. Its much deeper than that. I took my pills off and on till I was 21. Then just quit taking them. That's when the real trouble began.
I am 29, Severely Bi-Polar, Severe Anxiety, Schizophrenic, yes I was diagnosed, and I have a Meth problem now!! Not taking meds or getting help will have its severe conquenses. Trust me. I use to think I had it 100% under control but I was wrong. I use to think I hid it well, yeah right. If you are that sick, then trust me, EVERYONE can see it when you think they can't. When your Bi-Polar Schizophrenic, its like your mind playing tricks on you. You have to get medicated and help ASAP!! ESPECIALLY IF YOUR HEARING VOICES!! ITS A SIGN THE DISEASE IS PROGRESSING AND IT CAN GET VERY DANGEROUS!! FYI- SCHIZOPHRENIC PEOPLE CAN DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO THEMSELVES AND OTHERS BEING IN A PSYCOTIC EPISODE AND THERE BRAIN OR CONCISE IS NOT "AVAILABLE TO STOP THEM!!" I've seen it happen. I started to control mine with Meth since for Psycitic people the Meth helps bring us off that psychotics high and calms us down and helps bring us back to reality. Somewhat it does work. But it can also ENHANCE THE PSYCOSIS!! If you don't seek the help and fast, its not gong to end well. I am same way you are. Can't afford therapy or the meds. But what is even worse for my case, I live in California, and for addicts and mental disease, there is another help. Every place I called crying and begging for help turned me away. NO MONEY IN THE SYSTEM IS WHAT IM FED!! I pray you live in a different state where you can get the help. Love a normal life again.
As for me, I have accepted my fate. In Cali, there is no help. Mental Health in my county said that its going to be extremely hard to get me the help and rehab I need. The state is broke and there are so many addicts that we are forgotten about. Sad thing I learned is this, I will more than likely either commit suicide one day due to my mental health or die an addict. Its sad but so true. Its a hopeless and empty feeling that consumes you every day. Dont turnout like me. Get help. Or you could end up somewhere like me where even if u show up begging and crying for help, they still turn you away. /B]

MisterHockey09

I hope you realize that I was in no way trying to insult you.

But you can get help for free...at least in here in MI, if you look.

And to reiterate the LP, if you really are schizophrenic you DO need to be medicated. You can't logic yourself out of a progressive degenerative disease that is controlled by faulty brain chemistry.

I never claimed to know what's wrong with you...but I've had friends who were very similar to you. It's pretty uncool getting defensive with people who are just trying to help you...but it is also very hard to understand tone in type.

I wish you nothing but the best and good luck.

WritingFool

I know what you mean about therapy being expensive. I am fortunate enough to have health insurance, crappy as it is, and it is costing me a fortune. There are community resources for counseling that operate on a sliding scale. Just an idea.

I can guarantee to anyone out there who feels socially awkward, like no one will understand you, plenty of other people are in the same boat. I am completely unable to sustain f2f friendships. I just don't know what to say, and honestly, while I enjoy the company of others I find it utterly exhausting. My husband is the same way. Sometimes we both just need to be alone, and we respect that for each-other.

As for meeting someone who will understand and not flee, I agree with those who have said that you are not required to tell anyone anything you don't want to. You will know when the time is right, if ever. I can offer no dating advice, having been married three times by the age of 33. LOL! (I am now 34..)

I also know what you mean about not wanting meds I have anxiety so bad sometimes I feel as if my heart will explode. But all the anti-anxiety meds keep me awake and that is even worse. So I don't take them. But I don't advocate that - I am just stating that I understand.

Funny how so many of us are self-professed to be higher than normal intelligence. I think that is a trend - to be maladjusted in some way if you have above average intelligence. I am a college professor and I have noticed that academics in particular tend to suffer from mental illness. Maybe that is all I see, since I am an academic.

Anyway, my point was to say that no one feeling this way is alone. I felt that way for the longest time as well. So consider this post my awkward way of offering support lol.