SaVeMe81

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU for your great advice ........i am not going to lie to any of you i slipped today and i fell down hard fifteen vics fentanyl and now i feel hopeless this is obviously something i cannot do alone however i can honestly say this now cuz i have been trying to kick it on my own for eight years and never quit. im thinking of checking my self into rehab begining to see that me avoiding rehab and trying it alone will never work i must face the facts that i CANT do this alone without help idk im very very frustrated today mad at myself and wondering if my life will always be this miserable ?????

Runhappy

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I joined this site in sept and managed to get 10 days free of the vics (Norco) and the relapsed when I realized I had a refill at one of the 4 pharmacys I use. A scrip of 60 doesn't even last me a week anymore. So I had to buy some. I ran out 2 days ago and I'm sick in bed in w/d. Several hours ago I opened my purse and like a gift from God (or maybe the devil) I found one. I took it and now my w/d are much better but my emotional state is worse. I should have flushed it. I didn't get the high because it takes 3.5 for me to even feel ANYTHING

I sit here wondering if my life will be nothing more than a week of using and a week of withdrawals. Never managing to get more than 10 days clean. And 10 days is nothing. I know the fog doesn't even lift that soon. I'm so frustrated at myself.

The worst thing is that even though the withdrawals are hell I don't care. I just hunker down and plan to ride them out when they come. I even like the weight loss due to the stomach/bowel issues and the loss of appetite. I catch up on my DVR recordings and sweat it out. Literally.

I'm miserable!!!!!! I pray for the desire or strength or whatever it's going to take to overcome this addiction. Until then I just barely make it through the bare minimum required of me in life/job/social etc. it is a pitiful way to live. And it's so sad that I'm almost ok with it because I have forgotten what not living like this feels like

SaVeMe81

I know your pain..........hard to beileve something the size smaller than our pinky finger RULES our lives .....like you i seem to get way high then withdrawl until i get more my days revolve around whether or not i have pills if i dont i dont even wanna get outta bed if i do i have good days but im so damn tired of it. i have completly rewired my brain and now my body and mind are a total mess if normal (DRUGFREE) people knew how WRONG it feels to be clean how horrible and depressed and the anxiety they certainly wud never ask me to live that way! I wud give anything to go back in time and NEVER EVER EVER try that first pill but i cant so here i am screaming insde for help and scared tht i may end up dead over this then where will that leave my kids and husband ? IDK thats just it IDK wat to do ! I lost my best friend (MY Mom) to a brain tumor august of 2010 it was very quick and that is pry another reason i use cuz it hurts to bad to feel the pain but i wish she was alive so i cud run to her for help like i always did before to much just to much

PaperDolls

I knew I was an alcoholic for at least 10 years before I got sober.

Rehab saved my life.

It can get better, I promise!

Runhappy

Our stories are so similar. I lost my father February 2010. And I know that is exactly the reason I just don't seem to care. I'm single and no kids and 46 and maybe a bit perimenapausal so that doesn't help but I'm at a place where my father was my best friend and my everything (my mom left when I was a kid). So I lost the most important person to me and the pills made me feel good and not alone. I could take them and zone out and feel nothing but good. I won't lie there are times when I take too many and get depressed or shallow breathing and I get scared and at those moments I wish I was sober. But that feeling only lasts a few minutes. Yes it's expensive but I don't care because of course I don't spend money on anything else. No car payment no new clothes etc. only rent food and cell bill and the pill money. My life has become so small. I hardly return emails or phone calls. I am in the off season at work so I only go in maybe once a week and do the rest at home.

As I type this I have been in my pjs since Monday and it's Friday. On Monday I knew I only had enough to get to Wednesday so I took half a pill more than normal each dose and just got high for 3 days. Then Thursday and today withdrawal. It's seriously pathetic. But the thing I don't understand is why don't I care? Or I will say to myself just one more scrip. I will stop after next refill. I will fix this in November. Etc. I go back to work full time in the office in January and won't be able to detox until after April (tax season). So I know if I don't get this beat now I wont try again until next summer. I know my liver probably cant take that and I have to be on stomach meds just to handle the amount I do swallow now. My doc said my liver is impaired because of my use but I justify it all away. I simply don't care. Its weird that I'm ok in misery. I felt so good those 10 days clean.

I just keep coming back to this site and reading and re reading all the posts that pertain to my problem. I do get inspired from it. I like the ones where the people are extremely miserable like us because it tells me that's no way to live. I like the ones where people are sober and happy because it gives me hope.

I am reading Rational Recovery again and that really helps me to recognize when it's my addict brain talking. I plan to use the AVRT method to beat this thing!

Just keep coming back is my only advice. The words here on this site have been a tremendous help to me no matter where I am in the recovery process.

FT

You guys are using because you haven't taken the leap it takes to re-define yourselves as NON-substance-abusers. If you have not made it impossible for yourself to relapse so easily, then relapse is where you are headed again and again.

Once you have decided you are a non-opiate-user, you live your live that way. Period. End of story.

That means, NO pills lying around. NO dealers' numbers as the ready. NO "just in case" supplies of ANYTHING. NO ACCESS is something I scream about a lot around here. You can't use what you don't have.

AVRT is a great way to identify the difference between your "addict brain" and your rational self. Quit giving yourself excuses to relapse. I just yelled at a friend of mine for defining herself as "weak" and "selfish". Okay, now what? I mean if you are THAT BAD, you might as well use anyway, right?

I don't mean to be insensitive. I recognize that relapse is a part of recovery, but at the end of the day, people who recover and STAY recovered eventually reach a mind-set that no longer includes the option of substance abuse.

Hey, I tried to quit for over a year during the 2 years I struggled with oxys before and after orthopedic surgery. Over and over I tried to taper down, and failed miserably. Hence my name. So, I don't criticize people who relapse. They just haven't made the decision they are non-users yet.

FT

Runhappy

Ft you are right. When I quit in september I thought I had completely made the decision but apparently I left using as an option. So when the opportunity presented itself I gave in and just said F it and off I went. I am completely out and cannot get any for 5 more days. I am going to read Rational Recovery and hang around this website and suffer through detox and hope that I get the strength to cut off the very last source I have before Wednesday. I want to be free of this.

Ggeo

RunHappy, I had to tell all three of my Drs to NOT FILL ANY SCRIPTS for opiates for me, my Primary Care ( who was my regular supplier and was actually reticent to believe me ), my Oncologist and my GYN. Last time I only told my PC Dr. I left an opening through my other two Drs. So when I caved this last time I asked my Oncologist and he filled it...

Apparently my Drs don't exchange records. Anyway, this truly did cut off any and all access to pills as I have never obtained them illegally and being an old bag Id have no clue how to!

Anyway, you mentioned being able to fill your script again in 5 days. How will you keep yourself from doing just that? Knowing it's there? I'm not picking on you I'm just curious as to why you're keeping that venue open. I do see that you know it's a concern you have.

Believe me, this is very scary for me. Opiates got me through chemo. If my cancer returns I will want them again. Also, I have an upcoming outpatient surgery to have my port removed and I guess I'm gonna do it sans pain pills! Should be interesting.

Anyway, not picking on you at all...I just know for me that this was the final step that I had to take to try and be sure that this is my last damn relapse. I have no more Day 1 withdrawals in me!

Ggeo

PS- it was easier for me to do this when I was in the throes of w/d...the first few days. I never want to go through that again...

Blood500

RunHappy ~ "I thought I had completely made the decision but apparently I left using as an option."

You know I hear that a lot and I don't think you should sell yourself short, I have friend that thought they where done forever and whole heartedly thought as much but relapsed. So I don't know if its so much 'I must have not been censer about my choice' as it is having to make that decision a multitude of time, as we all know this can be a hard, hard process and staying positive about it helps. ( just another way to look at it, ya know, to each his own, and so many things work different for each person, so do what you have to do to make this your last attempt. I wish you all the best

FT

Blood500 is right and makes a good point. NO ACCESS is far more than just creating obstacles to getting your drug. If you want it, you know damn well how to get it. I've also seen a lot of people who truly want to get clean, but cannot bring themselves to make the decision with finality that drug and alcohol use is in the past, and even if the drugs are sitting right in front of you, you don't use them.

I couldn't do it for a LONG time, so I don't want to sound preachy. I wanted to stop, but I could not come to terms with not having a supply "on hand" just in case I had "extra" pain. I have severe osteoarthritis, so you can well guess how long that plan would last. I proved to myself that I can't be a "casual user" of any drug, or alcohol. There is no "off" switch, once the drug is in my system.

Cut yourself a break. It's a hard decision to make. Just be realistic with yourself, and and when you decide to quit, make sure is it truly a life changing definition of yourself as a non user. Period.

FT

IvanKatz

FT wrote "bring themselves to make the decision with finality that drug and alcohol use". That statement is more profound than you may realize.
Years of use with a DOC is a way of life. A completely DEPENDENT way of life.
Deciding to quit after all that time is like deciding to kill a beloved family pet.
Let me elaborate...
You DOC has been your closest friend. It comforts you, it makes you happy, you can't go without it, you will lie cheat and steal for it!
Quitting means going through serious pain, malaise for DAYS, depression, sadness, sleepless nights. It takes months to recover...
But unlike death's "finality", your DOC isn't that final. You can't reverse a death but you can always use again.
I hope this analogy makes sense to you.

Quitting requires a serious commitment. Unfortunately most people have to experience the bottom of the abyss to see the light above them. Now, that distance from the abyss to the light may seem infinite but it isn't!

You CAN quit! You CAN get your life back! You CAN succeed!

Runhappy

Thanks all. I am working on the "forever" part of quiting. Up until now it is not a decision as much as it is that I run out of pills and am forced to go through the withdrawal. It is like they talk about on the AVRT threads though. I need to make a decision to quit and quit forever. Once I do that whether or not there are prescriptions waiting for me at pharmacys won't matter because I won't use ever. Once I have mastered AVRT I could be in a room full of my DOC and not use. Ever.