heit132

So this is my first post on these boards so I will give a brief background of myself before jumping to my main point. I was a 4.0 GPA student, one of the most strict Christians you could imagine (I read the entire bible in less than a month in High School and was attending adult Church classes by the time I was 16 at my church). I was a 3.8 GPA student during my first year of college and had many friends. At the beginning of my third semester of college I went out for a walk around 9:30 PM. While walking past a house party someone on the front porch of the house threw an empty bottle which struck me in the head and nearly knocked me out. When I turned around some big guy on the porch yelled at me, "what you gonna do about it *****!?". I replied by saying, "**** you man" and before I could even walk away he jumped off the front porch, rushed me, and broke my nose instantly. He was about a foot taller than I was and was clearly more muscular than me and obviously drunk. When he broke my nose he hit me with such force that it knocked me to the pavement of the sidewalk and by the time I stood back up 4 of his buddies were right behind him. He started to come at me again and it just happened that I had a knife in my pocket. At the time I thought they would kill me, I had never been in a fight before or any kind of altercation. I pulled my knife out of my pocket, flipped it open, and stabbed him in neck before I even knew what I was doing. He dropped to the ground and his buddies ended up chasing me for 3 blocks while I was on the phone with the police. They knocked me down once (i lost a shoe) and I was covered, and I mean COVERED in my own blood from my broken nose. I never let go of my knife because I knew it was the only thing keeping me alive. I knew if those drunk guys got my knife they would kill me. I kept my mind the entire time and read off the street names after each block to the person on the phone at 911. Those guys finally pinned me against a fence and I gave up. In my mind I knew I was dead, I gave up. One of them took my knife from me and I knew that within a minute I would be speaking to God. At that time a cop car pulled up and a cop jumped out with his gun drawn and told the guys to drop the knife and made ME get on the ground. I was arrested, cuffed, and stuck in the back of a cop car covered in my own blood. An officer questioned me but I began crying after a minute. I spent the last $500 I had on posting bail (hell, I didn't know to ask for a lawyer or anything, I was the most innocent kid you could imagine). The bail bondsman (actually woman) drove me home because I had no friends to call, no shoes, no more money, and was covered in blood. The hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life was calling my dad the next morning and telling him I stabbed someone and spent the night in prison. He hung up on me. My grandparents told me several times that what I did was wrong even though I knew in my heart that what I did was right, I defended myself, and for all I know if I hadn't done what I did the next person to walk along that sidewalk may have been a girl and they may have raped her b/c of how drunk they were.

I failed my first class ever that semester because I spent so much time talking to lawyers, going to court, ext, ext. I found out the guy that broke my nose was a 24 year old sergeant in the military who had already served two tours in Iraq. His buddies were in his squad. They were all trained to kill people and that night they had just been looking for a fight. I started abusing prescription drugs that semester and earned myself the reputation of a drug addict. I also started drinking heavily. I had nightmares almost every night about what happened. That was my dream college and I had to leave because I pretty much lost it. I moved back home to live with my parents and go to a local college. The charges were dropped after 5 or 6 months but only because all those guys got shipped back to Iraq and therefore could not testify against me.

The next semester I had a job at a paint store and half the employees quit and they started giving me 40+ hours a week even though I kept complaining about it. I quit going to my college classes because I couldn't keep up with the homework and studying with working so much. After a month of that I began drinking every day (shortly after I turned 21). I was drinking about .5-1 liter of hard liquor a day. I finally quit my job during a lunch break by calling my boss and telling her I quit. I couldn't handle the pressure of everything I was going through.

Over the next 1.5 years I maintained about a 2.0-2.5 GPA in college because I was still drinking almost every single day. There were so many times I skipped my classes because I was too drunk (or b/c of withdrawal symptoms) to go. I never had the chance to go to a treatment place, or to just get away from society for a month. I had to keep going to classes or I would have had to start paying back my student loans. I was stuck, and I was an alcoholic, and I never had the chance that most "adults" have to just go to a treatment facility for a month.

During that period I taught myself how to meditate in order to fall asleep at night (was still suffering from nightmares from what had happened to me at my dream college). This brings me to my latest problem: my entire life my biggest hobby has been studying WW2. For the last year I have begun suffering from nightmares about WW2. The horror stories of the men who served in that war. I suffer from almost all the same symptoms that our greatest generation suffered from after what they witnessed. I have read hundreds of WW2 books, many of them containing graphic stories of torture that the Japanese or Russians committed during the war. I have watched almost every WW2 movie ever made, many of them depicting the stories of normal men like myself who underwent horrible things (or in my case watched/read about those things) and afterward they lost the spark of life; they had seen how horrible the world can become and they gave up.

That is how I now feel. I have personally witnessed how the U.S. legal system can ruin an innocent kids life. I have personally witnessed how many of the "heroes" of our military are really just scum who want to start fights and get wasted. Over the last summer I mostly quit drinking. I now only drink about once every 2 weeks. But my hope is gone because during my 2 years as an alcoholic I failed Physics 4 times, and every college in America has a rule that a student can only retake a class 3 times. I am currently attending my 4th college and am doing excellent as far as grades go. But even if I get an A in Physics this semester there is very little chance that any college will accept it as a credit since this is the 5th time I've taken the class. My dream for my entire life was to become a Nuclear Engineer, or at the very least a Mechanical Engineer. Right now there doesn't seem to be any way I will ever see that goal through.

And to be honest; if I can't achieve my dream then I really have no desire to continue. Without Physics I can't get any engineering degree. I won't settle for less, I won't live a worthless life with a worthless job making less than $50,000 a year. The U.S. legal system, the U.S. police, and a few of our own U.S. "soldiers" may have ruined my life beyond repair.

This is my story, and I don't want to hear anyone telling me that it doesn't matter if I can't achieve my dreams because I can still enjoy life. Guess what, I will never enjoy life if I can't achieve the only dream I have ever had in life. Furthermore, I will never settle for less because I know that ultimately the series of events which brought me to this point was not my fault; but the fault of the system and of some corrupt soldiers. If I find that I really can't achieve my dream in America I will say my goodbyes to my family and attempt to move to a new country which will allow me to achieve my dreams. If that isn't possible, then I will work for several years here in order to pay off my student loans and then, my good friends, I will truly disappear.

I've had my soul torn out, and those who look into my eyes see no spark, no love, no life.

Cheers mates, that's my story (in a very, very, very, brief format) and that's how I feel. You wouldn't tell a WW2 vet to forget about the things he witnessed; so don't tell me either. Most veterans of wars go for years without feeling any real emotions or doing anything productive before they get back on track. I don't have the ability to go even 1 week of just being by myself, not even 1 day of being alone to think about my emotions. That's the real nightmare of a college student which has to start paying back over $20,000 in loans if he stops going to classes.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your troubles heit132.
Are you still drinking - that was a little unclear to me, I'm sorry...

Have you looked into counselling or any other kind of help?

I know the past can haunt us - and many of us here have found ourselves in horrible situations - but reaching out and getting help can be the first step to learning to live with whatever has happened and moving on and healing....

As for dreams - I've had many dreams, achieved some, and had to find new dreams sometimes with others...my life was never ruined...just not turned out like I planned, y'know?....all we can do is give our dreams our best shot...I wish you the best with yours

glad you've joined us - welcome

D

heit132

@ Dee, I tried numerous different counselors and quit seeing all of them b/c they were all idiots. Sure, they knew lots about mental problems but none of them had ever been through the kind of things I've been through. A human can never truly understand a mental problem unless they have personally gone through it.


After a whole summer of near-sobriety I have started drinking again a few times a week. To be honest I have come to a point where I really just don't care about much; hence the drinking. I don't drink to forget, like many alcoholics do. I mostly drink just because it helps me relax. The only time I can enjoy video games or a magazine or a tv show or anything like those is if i've had a few drinks. Like I said, I spent this entire summer sober and I'll admit I did feel physically good. But some things I didn't tell you in my original post: In high school I lost 50 pounds in a year by running 5-10 miles a day. Running was my life. I joined the high school track team and was going to be going to college though a Cross Country scholarship. Then I tore a muscle in my hip and it took 3 years for a doctor to correctly diagnose it. I had hip surgery a year ago and I was almost fully recovered before I was in a bad car accident. Some dumb kid rear ended me (I was a full stop, he was going 50 mph by his own admission). That accident completely ruined my recovery and now I am right back to the start. I also now have extreme pain with some other muscles in my leg. I haven't run, not even jogged, in over 3 years. Like I said, running was my life. I gave it up due to the pain, and then the surgery.

You take enough things away from someone and allow them to witness the true horrors of mankind and they really will lose that "spark". Being a Nuclear Engineer wasn't my only dream, so was running and being fit. Furthermore, I also was dating a girl a few years ago who I had honestly loved. I've dated many girls, and I've experienced the feeling of "false" love (lust, for the most part). She was the only girl I ever had so much in common with. Several days after I told her about that incident and being arrested and all that crap she called me and said things werent working out and I never saw her again.

You take enough things away from a man, or woman, and they really will lose all hope. And without hope a human is technically just an empty shell.

***In the last year my two cats also died, one of which was my very best friend. With her almost all of my secrets from high school died. I could literally write a book about the setbacks I have gone through.

heit132

From all that I've studied and seen I believe that one of the reasons a human can lose his soul is the moment he realizes he is dead. It's been said by many great men that a soldier can never truly be a soldier until he accepts the fact that he is already dead. I came to the realization that I was already dead the moment those military guys pinned me against a chain link fence and took my knife away from me. Like I said, at that moment, in my mind, I knew I was dead. I accepted the fact that I would be dead within seconds, and that is what sets me apart from most of you other alcoholics or drug addicts. I seriously doubt that many of you have ever been in a situation when you actually accepted the fact that you were dead, and that no matter what you did your fate could not be altered; you would still be dead. That is what I encountered. I KNEW I was dead, I believed that my life was over. That is why I don't care about anything anymore. I wish I was physically capable of joining the military; because I know that is the one thing I could be good at. Many soldiers freeze up when they first enter combat; my first fight I didn't freeze up, I reacted, and I reacted perfectly. I was 19 years old and I dropped a 24 year old sergeant who had killed men before and had been trained to kill men. Can any of you truthfully tell me that you have been in a situation in which you accepted the fact that you were dead? If not, then you honestly have no right to reply.

Dee74

Heit

This is a peer support group - there's a lot of really wonderful smart caring loving people here and great advice here - I really recommend you open yourself to all of it...don't shut yourself off from it..look for the similarities not the differences

I've actually literally and figuratively died many times over my life - and like you I determined it was a waste to care about anything anymore.

I realise now I had actually been given second third and fourth chances at life - and it was a waste and a tragedy for me that I did nothing with them.

I understand the way you feel - and disagree with me if you will - but I hope you'll come to understand your life's not over yet.

D

heit132

And I must assume that you felt that your life was over DUE to alcohol or drugs. I have felt that feeling many times and IT IS NOT the same as actually accepting the fact that you are dead. Someone has a gun to your head and is about to shoot you, you KNOW you are dead. Someone has a knife to your throat (which is EXACTLY what happened to me) and you KNOW you are dead. Going through severe depression/alcoholism/drug and giving up on life is NOT the same. So, have you actually been in a situation in which you KNEW that your life was over? That someone else was going to kill you within several seconds?

Or were you just referring to what nearly all alcoholics and drug abusers go through which is the severe depression and willingness to die? That is not what I experienced. I was at the high point of my life. For the first time in 19 years of living I was the "popular" kid. Everyone wanted to hang out with me. I had no desire to die. Yet, at that moment that night, I accepted the fact that I was dead. There is a huge difference in what I experienced and in what most alcoholics and drug abusers experience.

heit132

That is why I hate going to stupid counselors. They don't know anything about people like me. I experienced what what most soldiers in a time a war experience. I saw my life flash before my eyes and ACCEPTED the fact that I was dead. Not because I didn't care anymore; but rather because another human was willing to kill me. In fact, there were 4 other human beings willing to kill me. I saw it in their eyes. I heard it in their voices. While they chased me for those 3 blocks they yelled at me over and over again that they were going to kill me. They said they would avenge their "battle brother". They yelled that I was a dead man.

When that guy pried the knife out of my hand I looked him in the eyes and I saw in his eyes that he was going to kill me. I am so sick of people telling me how to get over it and **** because NONE of you and NO ONE I have ever known has been in a similar situation. I am so f'ing tired of hearing people tell me to go to AA meetings or to a counselor, or to talk to someone about what I have been through. Very few people have been in a situation where they knew they were dead, yet survived under miraculous circumstances. If that police officer had pulled up 10 seconds after he actually did I wouldn't be typing this message; I'd be buried 6 feet under. So guess what, if you don't know what it's like to literally KNOW that you are dead then PLEASE, don't respond.

Dee74

Assumptions can be wrong heit.

Yeah I have nearly lost my life due to drugs and alcohol but I'm also a disabled man.

I don't do war stories but I've had many many life threatening medical crises over my life, and I've also been bullied and assaulted many times - the main difference being I was never armed when guys jumped me just because I was a 'cripple'.

You might want to take a few deep breaths and join the rest of us, man.

If you want to use SR to vent and to set yourself apart, go for it - but you're not using the place like it should be IMO.

I've found great healing here - you could too.

D

heit132

And, yet again, it sounds like the times you were assaulted were when you were already a drug/alcohol user. I was good kid, a strict Christian, I had never done drugs before and had only drank sparingly. I had never had sex, I had never done anything considered immoral. I had never fired a gun, I had never used a knife, I very rarely cursed, I had never been in a fight, I had never even seen a fight. Yet, at that crucial moment I stood up for what was right and what I wish all humans would stand up for. And it didn't work out how I had always imagined it would. I was the one who was accused of a crime, I was the one arrested, and furthermore there was even an article written in the town paper which accused me of being the aggressor and starting the fight. For the next year there were times when people would come up to me and ask me if I was that guy who went to a house and stabbed some guy for no reason.

A large reason why I find it hard to mentally recover from this is that I don't know of ANYONE (other than people in the 40's who fought in WW2) who were just "perfect" kids yet ended up in such a horrible situation. I constantly ask myself how anyone can truly understand me unless they were that "perfect" kid that any parent would love who wound up in a bad situation which ruined his life and changed everything. Sure, lots of people have been in fights and things like what I went through; but how many of them honestly went from being someone who had never even seen a fight to accepting the fact that they were a dead man in just 20 minutes?

Dee74

Nope - though I can't really see why that would make a difference.

I'm sorry we can't find any common ground.

I really recommend you keep trying to find professional help heit.

I kept myself in a prison of my own making for years - it feels good to be out and I wish that for you too.

D

nandm

I can honesty say there have been several times in my life where I knew I was dead, there was no doubt in my mind. The last time was 10 years ago when I went flying over the side of a cliff when my motorcycle hit a guard rail. Another was when a patient pulled a gun on me in the back of my ambulance. Another was when a patient pulled a knife on me while I was treating her. Another was while trying to treat a patient in a bar who had been shot in the head when a person put a gun to my head and said if I did not help the guy then I would die as well, the police had not arrived yet. I have been robbed at shotgun point. Those are just a few.

Needless to say I still have nightmares about those times as well as PTSD from all of the death and dying I have dealt with as a paramedic in the 12 years I spent in that field let alone the 20 I spent in nursing. I have seen the best and worst of death and dying. Then on top of that I have PTSD related to my father being a child molester and abuser.

So I think I am qualified to answer your post.

These things are extremely difficult to deal with but we do have choices we can lay down and let them continue to destroy us or we can fight. I choose to fight which means seeking professional help to deal with my problems. Has it been a struggle yes, has it always made things better, no. But I know that I am not letting those things win as long as I am doing everything in my power to stop their control over me.

I am very sorry you have had so much suffering in your life. Sometimes there is no good reason for things like that to happen, they just do. They happen to both good and bad people. There is no rhyme or reason. All I know is that you have a choice on what you do about it you can either stand up and not let this beat you by seeking help till you find it or you can give up. The choice is yours.

JimE

Hi heit132, welcome to the forum. I read your posts in this thread and I could feel adrenalin flowing. My earliest childhood memory was of an F5 tornado ripping our house apart in Kansas City the night before my 5th birthday. Terror indeed. It probably lead to my bedwetting and PTSD but that was a long time ago. There are still nightmares from time to time but that was something that was out of my control, it happened To me, not because of me.

If I'm correct, you seem to be quite angry. There are nice people here who are willing to lend a hand and support if you'll accept it. Dee has given you some good vibes and a warm welcome. I doubt you'll find a nicer guy anywhere. We aren't about to hurt you or judge you.

I hope you'll continue to open up and let us get to know you.

Zencat

Welcome to SoberRecovery.com the forums Heit132.

I'm sorry you suffered so gravely at the hand of others.

I have experienced my emotional trauma in my early development as a child. I have beaten people to near death in my latter teens as a hoodlum member. Latter in life I was kidnapped, shot at, beaten, terrorized. Then I returned the favor of mayhem to some of the rivals of my circle of hoodlums.

I know personally the hell of giving and receiving absolute suffering and pain from both ends. WWII on home soil, I have been involved with the dark works of gang justice...very ugly dead's for sure.

Now onward to the treatment of mental illness that resulted at my own hands and my mothers twisted beginnings that would cast me to the wolves of; addiction, trauma, history of shame, disgust, self-loathing, hate, and more hate.

I so wanted out of that whole mess that was my life, that I did everything I could find to do to be released from it...no words can describe. So then I entered recovery, dual-addiction practices. The recovery has been slow, with plenty of ups and downs. Over time in treatment I have found ways to deal with my traumas. I have found ways to deal with the traumas I have caused others. All of this I have to live with day to day. All of this has taken a toll on my mental health.

I live free as without life long incarnation. I will survive, it is my base nature to thrive beyond the captivities of emotional death. I will make the best of a deadly situation, as I have done time after time. Recovery has been my salvation...I may not be blessed but I'll not be dammed...not at least in my life time.

Kindeyes

Yes. I've been at the wrong end of a shotgun. My dad was holding it. My two older brothers were by his side helping him (they retrieved the gun and ammunition for him). He was angry. He was stone cold sober. And he was going to teach me a lesson.

I was five.

Like you, I held on to that terrible moment in my life for a long time. I felt victimized.

It was not until I let it go and forgave him, that I finally freed myself from the bondage of that day.

When we hold on to our role as victims, we continue to empower those who did those things to us. Personally, I seldom think about that day.....it was one moment that has very little to do with who I am today.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. By holding on to it, you have empowered your attackers. They win.

gentle hugs
ke

Nightsd

Heit, when you're talking to a bunch of addicts and alcoholics, the last thing you should ever say is "I'm sure none of you have ever experienced this..."

I have myself been in two situations where I knew I was about to die. As an atheist I resigned my fate to the universe and said goodbye to life. The first time, I cannot go into detail (I'll wait for the statute of limitations to expire) but I was involved in activities which resulted in me being held hostage at gunpoint and nearly being shot execution style. The guy said he was going to kill me for stealing something extraordinarily valuable from him previously and I believed him. The second and most recent time I accepted my own death was a suicide attempt. Certainly a lot of the details in our stories are different, but does it really matter? Say there was a kid exactly like you who got into the exact situation. But say instead of a pocket knife this kid's situation involved steak knife. Does it matter if some are the details are different? It doesn't usually.

People have survived, and thrived, after experiencing much worse.

Listen Heit, you've got a clear choice. You can take all of your past experiences, you can tie them to your foot, jump into a lake, and let them take you down with them. Or you can simply move forward and not allow your past to drag you down. It's your choice.

seek

I am not an alcoholic but I want to encourage you - don't give up . . .it sounds like you have a PTSD response, and it's no surprise - you have been through a lot. In addition to recovery, have you heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? You can see it on YouTube - it really helps process trauma and any kind of negative feelings . . .

Good luck to you and please don't give up on your dream - I don't know HOW you will do it (the Physics class issue) but I am sure there must be a way . . .

milo88

Hi heit132,
I just wanted to say I really feel for you for what you've been through! I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic or not, but I am also battling with myself due to the actions of others. I do think you're suffering from PTSD, but it seems like everyone knows the term but noone knows the answer! Counsellors have not helped me that much either.
I just wanted to say I understand your anger and your feelings of being misunderstood. My situation was not as dire as your own, but I also feel angry and isolated, and I am tired of others comparing their situations to mine. I only know how my own has affected me, and I'm always interested in hearing how someone else got themselves out of that feeling. But I am not always interested in someone telling me my suffering is no big deal, because for me too it has changed my life.
So where does the answer lie? I don't know any more about all the "help" out there. I once read something about how you can look for the answer in books, you can look for it in religion etc etc, but then one day you turn around and see it in your brother's eyes.
Hmm, that's a really bad interpretation of something I once read!! But I think that's it. Reading your post made me feel not as bad about my own anger and feelings of desperation, so thank you for letting me look in your eyes. And please know you're not alone! I wish I had the answer, but maybe that's part of it - just know you're not alone. xxx

Nightsd

Unlike physical pain, mental pain is all in the mind. If the problem lays in the mind, so does the solution. There is a solution to your problem heit. But if you view your problem as impossible then you will never be able to fix it.

The bad times are never as bad as they seem at the time.

nandm

?? I am a bit stunned by that comment. I feel it really belittles mental illness. Mental illness is a very real medical condition. Although there are some cases like a situational depression that may be centered "all in the mind" the majority of mental illness is both physical and mental. There are many body and brain chemicals that science still has no idea what they do and how they affect the mind. An example is there are current studies that are going on that are showing a link between the gastrointestinal system and the brain. To try to simplify mental illness and make it out to be a mind over matter thing is really detrimental and insulting to those who have fought with these diseases for years. I have tried the mind over matter, the therapy, the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", the "just think positive", the read inspirational material, try yoga, try meditation, get right with "God", Just work the program of AA better, try acupuncture, etc.... I also tried drinking my mental health illness away. None of that worked. It is my personal belief and experience that many mental health illness are both physical and mental in nature and therefor need to be treated both from a physical and mental stand point. In other words if one has tried the non chemical modes of therapy and found they are not getting results then one should consider there might be a chemical link for them as well and combine that with their treatment. Medications alone have not cured my disease and neither has non chemical approaches. It is my personal experience that it takes both for me to find relief from these problems.

To tell someone it is a mind over matter thing when one has no idea the real mental health illness behind the post is actually very detrimental. There is no way to know if the person is suffering from situational depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, seasonal affective disorder, GAD, or any of hundreds of other real mental health illness. Making light of the problem is not going to help get anyone to seek a diagnosis and proper treatment of their condition, even if treatment winds up being as simple as talk therapy.

Nightsd

nandm, you're completely correct. I didn't mean to sound like a scientologist who is against all psychiatric medication. I believe that medication alone isn't a solution. But it is important.

I wasn't talking about mental illness such as schizophrenia. Those are organic brain disorders and medication is necessary.