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The good news is, i know why i use. I finally figured it out today, after over half a decade of crack cocaine addition i have finally figured out, what drove me to do the things i did. The bad thing is, I'm trying to deal with things sober

I am a pretty unique person, not beucase i'm better than anyone, or smarter, or better looking (though I am quite handsome lol), I have this very simple premise in my life, that i want to do what i want to do, and i will do wahtever it takes to do it. This sounds great when you are listennig to a Dexter Yager Amway tape (my mom sold it i grew up listening to him) or reading a Tony Robbins book, but when you put this into practice, you start to see, or at least how my relaity was. Maybe it is me i don't know.

when i was 19 years old i started my first business. things didn't go as planned (At first), and my mom, disappointed that i wasn't going to church (i'm an athiest, was an ahtiest, i now consider myself to be a diest) or colllege, kicked me out the house. Wasn't using drugs at the time, was clean as a whistl'e, not even drinking. that would be years later. My grandmom, who i went ot live with, boyfriend did not like me, thought i tired to lock him out the house one day, once i let him in, chased me out the house with a knife and when mjy grandmother got home, kicked ME out the house.

My dad, basically disowned me beucaase i did not do what he wanted me to do, wouldnt' invite me over for gatherings, wouldn't bother to call and see how i was doing.

I never forgot any of this. It hurt. it still hurts. why people are so fvcking mean for no reason than you want to try to do something other than the status quo.

Eventually, things turned around. I started making money. I was hell bent on not letting my family back in my life, i considered those bridges burned, but listening to people i came to the conclusion that it was the right thing to do so I started to build relationhips with them again.

Women who would not give me the time of day now were interested. Family members who i hadn't heard from in years were randomly stopping by my house to say hi.

I never could get over just how shallow the avg person is, my own damn family. I was the exact same person when i was struggling as to when I was not. The exact same person. I liked the same things, read the same things, had the same goals, i was just closer to them now, and now i 'm a great person as to then i was a bum who no one wanted to be associated with.

I sold that business, and made a tidy profit in 2005, enough to take a year off and invest what i had in another business. this is STILL before the drug use.

lol, once i invested the money back into my current business, and did not do what my then Long term girlfriend thought i shoudl do (spend it on her), she hit the door. Not suprising.

this was abouyt the time i started using drugs. I gained weight. alot of weight. saw how people stopped paying attention to me again. The drugs provided me a relief. SMOething to look forward to. IN the dope house everyone is your friend when you have money. REgardless of how you looked or what your goals were, if you hamoney everyone was your friend. It honestly never was about the drugs themself.

I went to rehab the first time. i was overeight still, but loseing weight. I was still getting my new business off the ground. I wasn't broke at all but i didn't have very many material things. I never was extremely matieralistic. This consoler, saw some potnetial in me and took me under her wing. she became to me the mother i hever had. she taught me alot, took me to meetings, set up me upw tih people.

in comes this new girl, my new mother basically tells me to hire her, she needed a job, i needed a secretary. it worked fine for like 3 months, one thing led to another, she starts following me to the gym. She starts going to the batting cages wstih me, etc. She acks me to go out ot eat with her one night, i say honestly i don't like where this was going. i'd be lying if i said she was bad looking, she wasn't, but that's not where my mind was at the time, and not with an employee.
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she tells the people at the rehab, that i mosted her (i never touched her) and despite all the good i have done and depsite the fact that she had been there all of 3 months (me 8), they all sided with her, even my "new mother". nothing ever came of it but that broke my heart. i moved out days after that. relasped a month or so aftewards.

i went about another 5 months using off and on, stringing together weeks here or weeks there. About June of 2009, i had had enough. i rechecked myself in to the rehab, on the urging of the same woman. it took some convincing beucase i did not trust her. by now my business has actually taken off pretty well. I have some money in my pocket, i am in shape, and lo and behold everyone is paying attention to me. i'm so "nice" and all this othe rshit. i was nice then lol.

she hooks me up with another girl, who is pretty gung ho in her recovery. we get up and go to AA meetings every morning, we go to theh gym, this was my running partner. She makes it known she would like a job. This is a little different, becuase she's a trust fund baby, she really doesn't need the money, she wants something to do.

"She, also finds me a sponsor. One of her best friends. I am now dating someone. life isn't that bad right about now. I'm back in touch with my old friends. So i give her the job. I guess she assumed that she would just get to play around and get paid, lol no. The first time i really get on her abnout not doing what she was suppose to do, or lying about what she did, it was one of the other, she basically blames me for expecting too much of her and quits. not a week after she was hired, this causes a rift between me and my sponsor lady because we were both really, y cool. i'm like well **** i didn't want to hire her for this exact reason, we were perfectly fine before i gtave her a job upon everyone elses urging.

to make matters worse, i was dating someone, we had a nasty, very nasty breakup. basically she broke up with me and started dating my roomate. which, i honestly think i did a damn good job of handling. i didn't relapse over it, i didn't go off, i didn't beat anyone up. i jus tkept to myself about it. One day in particular, i wasn't having a good day, he doesn't like me and he's going out of his way to rub it in. i call my sponsor, he tells me i call to much and fires me.

ever since that day i have been done with AA. I left the rehab, for good the next day. I relapsed, the next day. i used ever since up to 8 months ago.

my mom and i don't talk. that bridge is burned. my dad and i don't talk. through the years, i've had a girl that i dated off and on, who i really really liked. really liked. i could see us together for a long time. was nothing but nice to her, went out of my way to help her out when she needed it. But becuase, i don't do things as fast as she thinks i should do them (i.e she wants me to move to Lexington, which i am doing) she now goes out of her way to let me know how big of a piece of **** i am.

it's times like this i want nothing more than to put a big fat ass 20 on a pipe and just take it in.

I actually like me. I like the characteristics that i have. I am reasonably intelligent, i am very determined, strong willed. But there is something about me, that people do not like. I'm alot like Howard Roark in the fountainhead. and when people do not like me they zgo out of their way to make it known they do not like me.

all i really ever wanted, want, was ot have real friends who give a **** about me. i have none. not one. not a mom's house go over to spend the weekend with. not a dad's house to go watch football with. Not a grandmothers house to go talk to. not someone that will turn the other way or leave me out to dry when they see i'm not poor or i have more ambitions than just being clean.

So i isolate, lwhich people are quick to tell you "you shouldn't do that" but hell what choice do i have. i'm sick and tired of dealing with people.

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That's not even mentioning the fact that some dealings with my first business, got me hit with federal charges. I really did not do anything. something that i would tell everyone that would listen, but you could see people, family members, laughing and hanging their heads in shame as to say "i knew the only way he could do a damn thing was to be a cheat". When the charges were dropped 2 years later, i never got 1 apology.

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but you met your husband in AA, he's an addict or a recovering addict and so are you. so basically you are saying do as i say not as i do. you are screwed up, you can't do this, but i can.

and who says that is why i go? that's a (Wrong) assumption you make. I WENT because i don't wanna use. but you go to meetings everyday you associate with people.

i'm not a 13th stepper and i have no problem finding a date outside the rooms. in fact both of the situtations kinda went array when i made it known that that was not my intention. there was a little built up tension between the second girl and i.


not trying to be a jerk i'm just really not in the best of moods today

Blood500

You seem to play the victim role in every situation you mentioned, blaming everything on everyone else, understand I am not trying to be rude just pointing something out that is very obvious from the readers perspective of your post. Try to look at your roll in those situations, one on one therapy might be a good thing to get your emotions out about situations that maybe are built up inside and give you some peace of mind about your past. And please do not attack and criticize people that are responding to your post, I'm assuming that was what you wanted when you decided to make this thread. Be open minded and not afraid, no one is here to attack you. I wish you the best.

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you know what **** every last one of you. that's the same **** my sponser said, i'm like dude, my girlfriend is blowing my roommate as we speak and he's like "you need to look and see what role you played in it" then when i call him to process, he doesn't want to see waht role he played in finding a new sponder

**** every last one of you. you can have this ****. i am better off on my own.

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it's like everyone is able to be a jerk, is able to have flaws, is able to have "their time" but me. i have to be perfect. i have to forgive everyone else. i know i'm not perfect nor do i profess to be. But yo know what, sometimes, people reallyy just do fuvcked up things. And telling someone "you need to process that" isn't going to help.


sponser tells me to jump and i saw how high and how many times. go to this meeting okay. do this okay. don't do that okay. do a 4th step okay. make amdends okay. oh.. yoyu are getting on my nerves, get the **** out of my life. Then when you try to get that off your chest, that's your fault too.

**** YOU!!!
i'm out.

CarolD

TS.....;

I remember you well from your shareing....I think you started out in our 2 weeks thread? Anyway.....I'm sorry you have been having a lot of recent turmoil.

I do think talking about your childhood with a professional is a good idea.
Have you done that before?

CarolD

You could also make a gratitude list....begin with A and name all your good qualities and see if you can go thru the alphabet...
Put on your favorite Jazz music and relax....take a walk.....a shower....eat Ice Cream....do something you enjoy ...as long as you don't pick up....
you really are a winnner...

Toxic people I avoid like germs...they infect me with negetive emotions. I did not get sober to feel badly about myself...

I do find prayer helps me in all situations but I know you may not wish to try that.

stugotz

Let us know how that works for you? But Ill give you a heads up, it wont. I was right where you are now four years ago. I was so mad at everyone that "did me wrong" that just to get even I would "get high" at them. If they really pissed me off I would "go to jail" at them. You see after I was beaten down enough to the point where I couldnt even function, did I realize that I couldnt even count the number of people that "did me wrong" on one hand. I was the problem. Not the girlfriend, not the boss, not my parents, and most certainly not the drugs and alcohol. Listen bro, you never have to feel like this again. Thats not AA/NA bs, its me talking to you. I lived it and it can be done. Good luck and God bless.