ktanguay

I'm a 19 year old girl. And if you surround me with all my friends and family I'm the most outgoing, fun, friendly, crazy, spontaneous, awesome person there is. You wouldn't know if you looked a little deeper that I think about dying every single day. I know a lot of people love me, so after the first attempt I promised myself I'd never do that again.
Drinking has always been a way to cope for me. A way to stop the hurt. I know there are a lot of people in a lot worse circumstances than I am in so I feel so selfish and pathetic even writing this.
I drink to forget being raped in Italy and by my cousin. I drink to avoid feeling ugly and hopeless and sad. I drink when I'm sad, I drink whenever I can.
I'm living with my boyfriend, Chris who tries his very best to support me in every way. Despite the fact that he refuses to talk to my mom (long story) and that he never wants to have sex; he's the perfect boyfriend.
But the sex thing bothers me more than he will ever know. No, he isn't gay. But instead of doing something with me he will go into the bathroom while I'm home and watch porn. It makes me feel awful. I'm not an ugly girl..I'm not tooting my own horn when I say I am pretty..but he doesn't make me feel that way. So I drink.
I'm always waiting for someone to hurt me..because it's always happened. I'm slightly drunk right now..so its hard to type all I want to say..Ugh..just..ugh.

nandm

to SR.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so. My father molested and abused not only myself but my 3 other sisters. It went on the whole time I was growing up since about the age of 5. I was raped by my first husband twice before I got the courage up to leave him. He had been a friend in high school and we dated all through that and I felt he was supportive of me until I finally realized that the bad that came with him was not any better than what I had when living with my parents. My second husband was no better. He was verbally abusive and at the end physically abusive that is when I left him. Several other relationships followed the same pattern. It seemed like people would seem great when I met them then as the relationship progressed they changed. It took me many years to find a healthy relationship and that was not until I got sober. What I have come to realize is that for many years I unconsciously sought out people who were unhealthy for me. I somehow felt unworthy, dirty, tainted, not good enough, etc... because of what happened to me so I gravitated to people who seemed to only confirm those feelings. It has taken a lot of therapy for me to see that pattern in my life. I am so thankful today to have a long term, committed relationship with someone who truly treats me with the respect, trust and love that I deserve.

Sorry for rambling so, I guess I just want to let you know you are not alone. Unfortunately bad things happen in this world. I don't know where your relationship is headed with your boyfriend. It may be that things improve. It is odd that a man would rather hide in the bathroom and watch porn than have sex with a real person. It raises a lot of concerns in my eyes. Even if you feel he is supportive part of being supportive is to validate a persons feelings and help them feel valuable, important, lovely, etc... A big part of any relationship is intimacy whether it be psychical or mental. It is hard to build intimacy when one partner is not participating. Anyway, take care and I hope you find the answers you are seeking