Please help. What is wrong with me? What do I do?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1
Please help. What is wrong with me? What do I do?
I will try to cut this short but it is long and complicated.
I have been getting treated for bipolar mood disorder for years. I have a drink problem but not to major at present. I have major difficulty in taking medication, like many other people, but I really do not need what I amtaking.
I have been diagnosed based on a huge web of lies told by me. The lies I have told over the last few years are literally countless.
It started off I was genuinely unwell. In mental distress. I was also unhappy.....as opposed to depressed.
I have told my doctor I have been suicidal....I haven't. I have even been hospitalised. I have taken overdoses....but been pretty sure I was not taking enough to kill, just to make it look serious and I got help quick. I have told him I have been high.....I have induced this by not taking the meds I have been prescribed and not sleeping. I have told him I have had hallucinations, true to a very small degree, very very but I actually think that what I have had is due to the meds. I never got them before meds. I actually convince myself sometimes that this is real.
I have a whole support team and network. I feel I need them all. To be without I think would truelly make me feel suicidal. I have even lost my job in all this madness although I do think I am genuinely unwell. Possibly anxiety depression. Eveyone in my life is subject to similar lies. I try to maintain a sane front at home most of the time and I do not allow my hubs to become involved in my mental health appointments.
I don't think it is just a case of wanting to be centre of attention as I do not seek this generally. It is not the attention I like, it is the support and kindness. Yet I have/had people around who offer all this. I don't feign physical illness or anything like that. In most other respects, I am quite a responsible, sensible person. I know I am fairly well liked, even with my mental health support staff as they genuinely do not know what I am doing. I am really skilled at it.
I have told my doctor I have lied a lot but he only thinks I lie about medication (how much I amtaking etc) and he knew. He does not know about all this, of this I am certain. Yesterday I was threatened with compulsory hospital admission as my behaviour is so erratic, yet lots of it.....not all of it was an act and induced by stopping medication!
I do have real problems in this too. I have spoken to a wonderful therapist for two years who has helped me a lot and although I never told him all this, I think he knows or suspects. I stopped seeing him as funding would only allow so much and I can't afford anyone else. He wanted me to try to get off medication but I wouldn't, as that would mean stopping seeing my psychiatrist etc.
I am pretty sure it is to do with attachment, fear of abanadonement etc and I have tried to raise this with my doc but he won't have it. He says I do not have a personality disorder.
I do have a conscience. (You can tell I have been looking up disorders on the net!) and I worry a lot about this. I know I need to get out of this false life I am living but I don't know how. I know the obvious answer is come clean but I am terrified of what that will mean. Not only in terms of abandonment but what does all this stuff that I have been doing mean? Am I ill? Is this indicative of another disorder? Am I just plain bad?
The other problem is, I think if I told my doc all this, he might actually not believe me! I have tried to get close to it but he says I just want to perpetuate my fear that I am 'bad' and to make him and others hate me and that I want an excuse to kill myself!
I am lost. Don't know where to turn next. I am considering seeing a private psychiatrist that is not connected to my health team just to tell all of this to but I don't work and have little money.
Any idea what is wrong with me and how to get out of this with minimal injury?
bbb
I have been getting treated for bipolar mood disorder for years. I have a drink problem but not to major at present. I have major difficulty in taking medication, like many other people, but I really do not need what I amtaking.
I have been diagnosed based on a huge web of lies told by me. The lies I have told over the last few years are literally countless.
It started off I was genuinely unwell. In mental distress. I was also unhappy.....as opposed to depressed.
I have told my doctor I have been suicidal....I haven't. I have even been hospitalised. I have taken overdoses....but been pretty sure I was not taking enough to kill, just to make it look serious and I got help quick. I have told him I have been high.....I have induced this by not taking the meds I have been prescribed and not sleeping. I have told him I have had hallucinations, true to a very small degree, very very but I actually think that what I have had is due to the meds. I never got them before meds. I actually convince myself sometimes that this is real.
I have a whole support team and network. I feel I need them all. To be without I think would truelly make me feel suicidal. I have even lost my job in all this madness although I do think I am genuinely unwell. Possibly anxiety depression. Eveyone in my life is subject to similar lies. I try to maintain a sane front at home most of the time and I do not allow my hubs to become involved in my mental health appointments.
I don't think it is just a case of wanting to be centre of attention as I do not seek this generally. It is not the attention I like, it is the support and kindness. Yet I have/had people around who offer all this. I don't feign physical illness or anything like that. In most other respects, I am quite a responsible, sensible person. I know I am fairly well liked, even with my mental health support staff as they genuinely do not know what I am doing. I am really skilled at it.
I have told my doctor I have lied a lot but he only thinks I lie about medication (how much I amtaking etc) and he knew. He does not know about all this, of this I am certain. Yesterday I was threatened with compulsory hospital admission as my behaviour is so erratic, yet lots of it.....not all of it was an act and induced by stopping medication!
I do have real problems in this too. I have spoken to a wonderful therapist for two years who has helped me a lot and although I never told him all this, I think he knows or suspects. I stopped seeing him as funding would only allow so much and I can't afford anyone else. He wanted me to try to get off medication but I wouldn't, as that would mean stopping seeing my psychiatrist etc.
I am pretty sure it is to do with attachment, fear of abanadonement etc and I have tried to raise this with my doc but he won't have it. He says I do not have a personality disorder.
I do have a conscience. (You can tell I have been looking up disorders on the net!) and I worry a lot about this. I know I need to get out of this false life I am living but I don't know how. I know the obvious answer is come clean but I am terrified of what that will mean. Not only in terms of abandonment but what does all this stuff that I have been doing mean? Am I ill? Is this indicative of another disorder? Am I just plain bad?
The other problem is, I think if I told my doc all this, he might actually not believe me! I have tried to get close to it but he says I just want to perpetuate my fear that I am 'bad' and to make him and others hate me and that I want an excuse to kill myself!
I am lost. Don't know where to turn next. I am considering seeing a private psychiatrist that is not connected to my health team just to tell all of this to but I don't work and have little money.
Any idea what is wrong with me and how to get out of this with minimal injury?
bbb
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
to SRWe are not able to give medical advice or diagnose here at SR. But we are allowed to share our experience, strength and hope.
Here are my thoughts. There are mental health disorders that have attention seeking and lying as components to them. Does this mean that you have one of those? I have no idea only a qualified medical professional would be able to decide that. It is my personal belief that if you were to tell your psychiatrist what you have said here they would be able to help you and I seriously do not believe they would abandon you. Why would he abandon you if you are honest and let him know your fears of abandonment? I would think that it would raise concern and he would offer help for that problem. That is what counselors, psychiatrists, and psychologists are there to help with mental health concerns.
I encourage you talk to your health care team about this so you can get some help. Unless you come clean with them they will not be able to properly diagnose your problems which means they will not be able to effectively treat your problems.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by nandm 
I encourage you talk to your health care team about this so you can get some help. Unless you come clean with them they will not be able to properly diagnose your problems which means they will not be able to effectively treat your problems.
You cannot be diagnosed/treated effectively without being 100% honest with your providers.
I hope you make the decision to come clean and seek help.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: ontario
Posts: 78
You went off of your meds.
quote:
I have told him I have been high.....I have induced this by not taking the meds I have been prescribed and not sleeping. I have told him I have had hallucinations, true to a very small degree
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quote from further down in your post:
knew. He does not know about all this, of this I am certain. Yesterday I was threatened with compulsory hospital admission as my behaviour is so erratic, yet lots of it.....not all of it was an act and induced by stopping medication!
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I'm bipolar and getting high from not taking your meds is mania. People who don't have bipolar do not become manic. You are now off of your meds.
I know what you're feeling right now and you need to call your psych doctor.
You also need to trust the doctor and tell him/her everything that you're saying here. If you can't reach the doctor please go to the e.r.
quote:
I have told him I have been high.....I have induced this by not taking the meds I have been prescribed and not sleeping. I have told him I have had hallucinations, true to a very small degree
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
quote from further down in your post:
knew. He does not know about all this, of this I am certain. Yesterday I was threatened with compulsory hospital admission as my behaviour is so erratic, yet lots of it.....not all of it was an act and induced by stopping medication!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm bipolar and getting high from not taking your meds is mania. People who don't have bipolar do not become manic. You are now off of your meds.
I know what you're feeling right now and you need to call your psych doctor.
You also need to trust the doctor and tell him/her everything that you're saying here. If you can't reach the doctor please go to the e.r.
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