JimE

That question may never be answered to my satisfaction. This rather long, tragic story is why I hate mental illness. I'm bipolar with GAD, dysthymia and a touch of OCD. Years ago I was a staff member of a forum for bipolar support. During that time I met a lady there who was diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features and Borderline Personality. What started out as a friendly online relationship grew into an intimate one. We met and spent a week together here and things were very nice. A short time later she left her home in OK to be with me here in CO. After living together a year and a half we married. It was the happiest time of my life and she said the same.

She told me of her past episodes hearing voices and ECT treatments but for the first 3 yrs we were together she had no such episodes. She stopped drinking once we got together and her family said they hadn't seen her so healthy and happy before. Life was good. I was basically symptom free.

Then she began having episodes every 6 months or so but haldol would bring her out of them and hospitalization wasn't required. She wasn't receiving any therapy for her Borderline because she didn't want to accept the pdoc's diagnosis. She started telling me about her nightmares of me kicking her out and divorcing her. I tried my best to assure her that would never happen. I loved her with all my heart. The nightmares continued.

In Feb. of '09 she was having an episode and started the haldol with a high dose of seroquel but she was unusually quiet and withdrawn. She got up off the couch next to me and went into the kitchen and then headed into our bedroom. A few minutes later I heard her singing softly. I thought that was a good sign but when I walked into the bedroom I noticed she was sitting in the bathtub holding 2 large knives. When I asked what she was doing she looked at me with terror in her eyes, pointed the knives at me and told me to stay away, that I was "one of them."

I ended up having to call 911 after trying to convince her who I was. An awful story I know. It was several hours before she remembered who I was after being hospitalized. Once she came out of that state she didn't remember a thing. The hospital staff had told her what happened and once she was home I never brought the subject up again but it did shake me up pretty bad.

Things returned to normal, or so I thought. A few months later we planned a visit at her daughter's place in MO. She called and made reservations at a nearly hotel where her daughter lived. That night she showed signs of an impending episode but she said she was okay.

The next morning I left for the gym. She kissed me and said she loved me, like every other day. When I got home there was note saying she was leaving me and not to try and find her, that she had fallen out of love with me. I called her Mom in OK and she said Julie was on her way there. She thought Julie was having an episode.

Julie called me from the road and it didn't even sound like her. She said she wanted a divorce and was cold as ice. After that she refused to talk to me except for short emails. I couldn't get through to her so I filed for divorce. All I know about her since she left is that she started drinking again and stopped paying her credit card bills. I've had collection agencies calling looking for her but I'm not liable for any of that.

She was the love of my life and I still miss her. I thought that maybe she would come out of whatever it was that turned her against me but that didn't happen. All she ever said was that her feelings towards me changed a few months before she left, around the time of the bathtub incident.

Since her leaving me depression has been a battle. A myriad of feelings have come and gone in waves. I've wondered what I did to make her hate me. Replaying scenes in my head and coming up empty inside. I've wished her well and let her know I'll always love her, that she was the one for me.

AA saved me 20 yrs ago and when I saw that my marriage was ending it saved me again.

nandm

I hate how mental illness affects and destroys so many lives and relationships. I am sorry to hear about your ex wife. It sounds like you both have been through a lot. Hopefully she will find and accept the help it sounds like she needs. It is amazing how much these diseases can change a person especially if they drink or use drugs in combination with them.

One thing to try to remember is that although it may feel like it is somehow your fault it may very well be nothing in particular that you did but how her brain perceived what was happening at the time. Sometimes the fault is not within a person but within a disease.

Glad to hear AA was able to help you, personally I think it is a great program that saved my life.

JimE

Thanks nandm, I wish I had taken the time to learn more about Borderline when we were together. I've heard that more than half of all marriages end in divorce but perhaps the stat is even higher when 2 beepers (bipolars) get together. I'm no saint and certainly not a picnic to be around all the time. The saying 2 wrongs don't make a right hits home.

Closure may be a myth but through talking with my psychiatrist and friends in AA I've come to realize that letting go with love is all I can do.

danielleinto

Hi Jim, I'm bipolar and you may have been scared off of support groups with that experience to hell and back but here's a link:

Mood Garden :: Index

There's not much I can add to what nandm posted except I'm so sorry that you went through that. You seem to be on top of the alcoholism and MI but some support right now might be a good thing. You've likely heard of moodgarden, there's a board there for friends and family too.

JimE

Thanks Danielleinto, I'll check out that forum, it looks like a good site for support. I've been impressed at how well this place, SR is run. Alcoholism and mental health issues being discussed by people who know first hand what it's like to be afflicted, dealing with issues so called normal people can't relate to.

I guess writing out my story was a bit of a catharsis for me. It may have been best left in a blog instead of a public situation like this but that was what happened. After posting and reading the story I feared it may have come off as a fart in church kind of thing. Not really a bedtime story by any means.

Being sober 20 yrs doesn't always mean I skip along with little bluebirds of happiness flyin' outta my arse. My ex and I living together with our own mental or mood disorders combined with our alcoholic histories had it's very sweet memories and then the collapse which may or may not have been brought about by untreated Borderline Personality Disorder.

If she would have at least talked to me about what was going on with her those last few months instead of the surprise ending it may have been easier for me to deal with. Instead I was left with questions unanswered.

Thanks again for the link to the Mood garden, you're very kind.

JimE

Wishing her well, wherever she is.........

NYCDoglvr

Jim .... my heart breaks for you. I lost the most important person in my life after being sober 15 years (we had been together 25 years). Wish I could say I rebounded but I didn't. Sometimes it's only today I don't kill myself.

That said, there are days that are wonderful, when I'm just happy to be alive. They outnumber the bad days and if things get really bad I have a wonderful shrink. I've learned to be grateful for what I have and stop wishing things were different. I've learned to "change the channel" of self-pitying thinking because I just don't want to live there.

God bless!

JimE

Thanks NYC, I know what you mean. The sting of her betrayal bites me in the arse at times and sends me into self doubt and either sadness or anger but for the most part I get by okay with the help of my shrink and friends in AA. I even thought of selling my home and moving because of all the memories around here. Going up into the high country here in Colorado was something I loved to do but there are memories of what it was like being with her because every time I went up there it was with her, except for when I was a little kid.

I put my place on the market a year ago and had a buyer. Then I began to feel sad about leaving the home and area I love. As luck would have it, the buyers loan fell through so I pulled the place off the market. This summer I've made trips up the hill known as Pikes Peak and had a good time with my 2 dogs. It gives me joy to see them rollicking around and loving the scenery with me.

That was my first and most likely last marriage and divorce. It was her 5th. (I never said I'm a Mensa member!)

JimE

My first love in music....they've yet to leave me! The sentiment is worth repeating.....Life Goes On.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry for your pain, Jim.

My first husband divorced me because of my untreated alcoholism/addictions, and add to that, clinical depression.

I understand why he did.

I left my second husband because I had gotten into recovery, while he chose to throw it away and go back to be loaded, angry, and violent.

I had to leave for my own sanity and safety.

I learned from both of those marriages. I can't say that I would ever get married again. I'm pretty content being by myself, and have become set in my ways. I like just answering to myself!

I hope you don't see the dissolution of your marriage as a failure, but rather as circumstances beyond your control, dear.

Sending you hugs of support!

JimE

Thank you Freedom, I'm sorry you've had to go through 2 divorces. Ones' aplenty for me. :-)

It's hard not to take it personally at times, especially if I'm not in the best of moods. Today has been pretty good so far. Like you, I'm set in my ways too. I don't think I'll be living with anyone else but stranger things have happened. I like what you said about only having to answer to yourself. It's good to look at the positives.

hugs,
Jim

Freedom1990

It is good to look at the positives! I also have my zoo crew at home, so I'm not really alone, just surrounded by four-legged companions are pretty special! I take it that is your dog in your avatar picture?!

JimE

That avatar is a kind of standing memorial to Woody who I lost a few months before the divorce. If you take a peek at the pics in my profile section you'll see my 2 boys, Kojak is 13 and Corky is 3. I like the looks of your crew. They're adorable!

Freedom1990

I am so sorry for your loss of Woody! I have lost many beloved companions over the years. My oldest dog is the red one in my signature...she will be 14 in November. Kojak and Corky look so sweet! Don't you love the "frosted" face that the senior dogs get?! Give those boys some extra ear scratches for me!