Getting Really Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Honesdale, PA
Posts: 1
Getting Really Scared
First, I'd like to introduce myself to everyone. Name is Joe. I live in Honesdale, PA. I'm 39, have 5 years clean and sober. I no longer go to meetings, and I don't have a sponsor (so I know what advice I'm going to get first, lol).
Anyhow, here's what's going on: I have to have a Laminectomy (it's a form of spinal surgery). I'm already on pain killers, and I take them as prescribed. My doctor is aware of my addiction, and monitors my usage of these medications. I was really having no problems, until I watched tonight's Intervention. (for those who don't know what that is, it's a program on A&E where they try to help alcoholics/addicts get into recovery). One of the stories was a father who was a meth addict. During the whole thing, instead of focusing on how meth was destroying his life, all I could think of was how great a bump would feel right now. I realized tonight while I was trying to sleep that something was really, really wrong.
I was never one for NA, and most of my recovery has been in AA. But now I realize I may need to address my other addictions in NA. There's one NA meeting here a week (so if anyone can help me with finding online NA meetings, I'd appreciate that immensely). I don't like AA here (I miss my home group in the Catskills where I'm from). There's very little recovery here, and a lot of attitudes (including my own). In many meetings, with 5 years, I'm the person with the most clean time in the room. That can be frustrating. I've never found a sponsor here, and I've not been to a meeting in several months.
Part of my problem with the meetings here is that they are very God focused. I'm not sure about God, and never have been. I'm a Buddhist, and I feel uncomfortable in these meetings. Also, because I'm gay, I feel uncomfortable surrounded by mostly evangelicals (no offense to the evangelicals that might be here.)
I'm rambling now due to extreme tiredness. But I just had pour out somewhere. The NA meeting is on Thursday, unless things change. I have no numbers here, so I'm not sure. I'll try though. I'm going to see the anesthesiologist on Thursday at noon, and that's 2 1/2 hours away, but I should make it back in time for the meeting.
So I guess here's what I'm asking: Where are there good online NA meetings? How do I get myself to attend meetings when I can't really stand the God Focus? How do I protect myself from a relapse when I absolutely must take pain meds, at least for a little while longer (the surgery is the 29th, and hopefully after a few weeks, I can start weaning down)? How the heck do I find a sponsor in a rural community who won't have an issue with a gay, Buddhist, alcoholic and drug addict (most of the guys with enough time here have a hard enough time dealing with drug addicts, never mind Gay men or Buddhists)?
Anyhow, here's what's going on: I have to have a Laminectomy (it's a form of spinal surgery). I'm already on pain killers, and I take them as prescribed. My doctor is aware of my addiction, and monitors my usage of these medications. I was really having no problems, until I watched tonight's Intervention. (for those who don't know what that is, it's a program on A&E where they try to help alcoholics/addicts get into recovery). One of the stories was a father who was a meth addict. During the whole thing, instead of focusing on how meth was destroying his life, all I could think of was how great a bump would feel right now. I realized tonight while I was trying to sleep that something was really, really wrong.
I was never one for NA, and most of my recovery has been in AA. But now I realize I may need to address my other addictions in NA. There's one NA meeting here a week (so if anyone can help me with finding online NA meetings, I'd appreciate that immensely). I don't like AA here (I miss my home group in the Catskills where I'm from). There's very little recovery here, and a lot of attitudes (including my own). In many meetings, with 5 years, I'm the person with the most clean time in the room. That can be frustrating. I've never found a sponsor here, and I've not been to a meeting in several months.
Part of my problem with the meetings here is that they are very God focused. I'm not sure about God, and never have been. I'm a Buddhist, and I feel uncomfortable in these meetings. Also, because I'm gay, I feel uncomfortable surrounded by mostly evangelicals (no offense to the evangelicals that might be here.)
I'm rambling now due to extreme tiredness. But I just had pour out somewhere. The NA meeting is on Thursday, unless things change. I have no numbers here, so I'm not sure. I'll try though. I'm going to see the anesthesiologist on Thursday at noon, and that's 2 1/2 hours away, but I should make it back in time for the meeting.
So I guess here's what I'm asking: Where are there good online NA meetings? How do I get myself to attend meetings when I can't really stand the God Focus? How do I protect myself from a relapse when I absolutely must take pain meds, at least for a little while longer (the surgery is the 29th, and hopefully after a few weeks, I can start weaning down)? How the heck do I find a sponsor in a rural community who won't have an issue with a gay, Buddhist, alcoholic and drug addict (most of the guys with enough time here have a hard enough time dealing with drug addicts, never mind Gay men or Buddhists)?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Joe
I'm not a 12 stepper so I'll leave those questions to others
I do think fear is a very powerful emotion tho - in my experience it can really fire up associations and longings to escape that we thought we'd never feel again.
But you know you don;t have to act on feelings. You also have years of recovery.
You've already spoken to your Dr, now you're here and sharing about it and letting it out - all those are good things.
I think you're in a good position actually.
But anything else you think you can do to set your mind at ease and to safeguard your recovery, any good suggestions you may get here - I really encourage you to follow those ideas up - you've come too far to turn back now, right?
Welcome to the board
D
I'm not a 12 stepper so I'll leave those questions to others
I do think fear is a very powerful emotion tho - in my experience it can really fire up associations and longings to escape that we thought we'd never feel again.
But you know you don;t have to act on feelings. You also have years of recovery.
You've already spoken to your Dr, now you're here and sharing about it and letting it out - all those are good things.
I think you're in a good position actually.
But anything else you think you can do to set your mind at ease and to safeguard your recovery, any good suggestions you may get here - I really encourage you to follow those ideas up - you've come too far to turn back now, right?
Welcome to the board
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
Dogboi - I'm with Dee, never did a program so unfortunately no words of wisdom in that area.
But I do the same thing if I watch Intervention. You'd think it would be the other way around and would be a great deterrent, watching the mess people get into, but I tend to lose focus on the point of the show and focus on the 'high' the people are getting. Therefore, I try to avoid it - but until I read your post I thought I might be the only one.
I'm sure there's something online you can get into - too bad there's nothing better in your area, but where there's a will there's a way - something will come around. Someone will likely be by soon with better answers than me.
It's great you were open with your doctor and he's able to monitor the pain meds for you. Sorry about what you're going through, hopefully you have a quick recovery from the surgery!!!!
But I do the same thing if I watch Intervention. You'd think it would be the other way around and would be a great deterrent, watching the mess people get into, but I tend to lose focus on the point of the show and focus on the 'high' the people are getting. Therefore, I try to avoid it - but until I read your post I thought I might be the only one.
I'm sure there's something online you can get into - too bad there's nothing better in your area, but where there's a will there's a way - something will come around. Someone will likely be by soon with better answers than me.
It's great you were open with your doctor and he's able to monitor the pain meds for you. Sorry about what you're going through, hopefully you have a quick recovery from the surgery!!!!
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Considering the lack of NA/AA meetings around you, I doubt you'll have SMART meetings in your area but I thought I'd throw the suggestion out there. SMART (Self Management and Recovery Training) is a secular type of recovery, no religion, just tools and skills to learn. I use the tools they supplied me with though I don't actively go to meetings (they are few and far between unfortunately). I believe they have online meetings, not 100% sure on that. Here's their website: SMART Home
Like you, I have never felt at home at an AA or NA meeting, God stuff doesn't work for me. I found SMART helped a lot. There's also a secular section on this forum if you scroll down a bit on the forum's homepage.
Like you, I have never felt at home at an AA or NA meeting, God stuff doesn't work for me. I found SMART helped a lot. There's also a secular section on this forum if you scroll down a bit on the forum's homepage.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
