alcoholism and depression
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: LaanDaan
Posts: 44
alcoholism and depression
so i started drinking when i was about 15-16, because i couldnt pick up any weed. i started smoking weed when i was 9-10ish.
yup, the moment i touch a substance i will be hooked, been addicted to almost everything with exception to heroin.But drink was the one that stuck, i just cant get rid of this demon. I have been get high or drunk every day for over half of my life.
and i know why...
I was beaten pretty bad by all three of my mums BFs when i was growing up. punched, kicked, thrown down stairs and locked in rooms.... i didnt have much social confidence after all that. so i found that drugs/alc worked and gave me the confidnce i needed to get by. it was fake but it was working. but it eventually made me more depressed than i was
im rambling a bit here sorry :/ ill get to the point...
when i have quit drinking, will i still be who i am today or will i be someone else... if that makes sense?
yup, the moment i touch a substance i will be hooked, been addicted to almost everything with exception to heroin.But drink was the one that stuck, i just cant get rid of this demon. I have been get high or drunk every day for over half of my life.
and i know why...
I was beaten pretty bad by all three of my mums BFs when i was growing up. punched, kicked, thrown down stairs and locked in rooms.... i didnt have much social confidence after all that. so i found that drugs/alc worked and gave me the confidnce i needed to get by. it was fake but it was working. but it eventually made me more depressed than i was
im rambling a bit here sorry :/ ill get to the point...
when i have quit drinking, will i still be who i am today or will i be someone else... if that makes sense?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Perfect sense. As background, I can relate to much you are posting. Bruises healed long ago but left behind depression, anxiety, PTSD and alcoholism. Is that who I am? Alan Watts says other people teach us who we are, our most private thoughts and emotions are shaped by the language and actions of others. Buddha said, The mind is everything, what you think, you become. I think the self is forever and always changing just like our bodies. Are you the same self as you were at 5-10-15? I don't think we need fear losing our self, we're really a process not an event. So might as well enjoy the journey.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I too went through some serious abuse as a child. Then married a verbally abusive husband. I spent 6 years with him. Then wound up in several more abusive relationships. All the while drinking like a fish. I felt better when I drank early in my drinking career but ultimately it came to a point where it did not work anymore and I was left feeling miserable, depressed, and hopeless.
When I stopped drinking what started happening is I slowly started finding who I really am. It has been a process and still is after 10 years. I have had to seek help for my depression and PTSD outside of the program of recovery I use to stop drinking. I learned my depression was not because of the current things that were going on in my life but rather a chemical depression that developed over the years where my brain no longer produced enough of the chemicals that keep depression at bay. Today I take the medications that are supposed to help and for the most part they do although since I am also bipolar I do have periods where the depression is almost too much to bear. I also am in therapy which although it has brought up some things that leave me feeling a bit raw with emotions, it has been beneficial in my recovery process. I do suggest that especially early in recovery you consider speaking to a mental health professional to discuss your options for your depression.
Take care and remember that alcohol is a depressant and ultimately causes our depression to worsen over time.
When I stopped drinking what started happening is I slowly started finding who I really am. It has been a process and still is after 10 years. I have had to seek help for my depression and PTSD outside of the program of recovery I use to stop drinking. I learned my depression was not because of the current things that were going on in my life but rather a chemical depression that developed over the years where my brain no longer produced enough of the chemicals that keep depression at bay. Today I take the medications that are supposed to help and for the most part they do although since I am also bipolar I do have periods where the depression is almost too much to bear. I also am in therapy which although it has brought up some things that leave me feeling a bit raw with emotions, it has been beneficial in my recovery process. I do suggest that especially early in recovery you consider speaking to a mental health professional to discuss your options for your depression.
Take care and remember that alcohol is a depressant and ultimately causes our depression to worsen over time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: LaanDaan
Posts: 44
yeah. i didnt have any confidence until i started faking it, then i guess the lie became truth as my brain kinda rewired its self.
its really annoying as i tried to go to therapy last year and they wouldnt let me in because i admitted to being an alcoholic. so i went to the doc who then wouldnt give me ADs and instead gave me some crappy diazapan that didnt work, i doubled, then quadrupled the dose and it still did nothing.
then i just thought... "you know what this is too much effort when i can just continue drinking"
its really annoying as i tried to go to therapy last year and they wouldnt let me in because i admitted to being an alcoholic. so i went to the doc who then wouldnt give me ADs and instead gave me some crappy diazapan that didnt work, i doubled, then quadrupled the dose and it still did nothing.
then i just thought... "you know what this is too much effort when i can just continue drinking"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: LaanDaan
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by nandm 
I too went through some serious abuse as a child. Then married a verbally abusive husband. I spent 6 years with him. Then wound up in several more abusive relationships. All the while drinking like a fish. I felt better when I drank early in my drinking career but ultimately it came to a point where it did not work anymore and I was left feeling miserable, depressed, and hopeless.
When I stopped drinking what started happening is I slowly started finding who I really am. It has been a process and still is after 10 years. I have had to seek help for my depression and PTSD outside of the program of recovery I use to stop drinking. I learned my depression was not because of the current things that were going on in my life but rather a chemical depression that developed over the years where my brain no longer produced enough of the chemicals that keep depression at bay. Today I take the medications that are supposed to help and for the most part they do although since I am also bipolar I do have periods where the depression is almost too much to bear. I also am in therapy which although it has brought up some things that leave me feeling a bit raw with emotions, it has been beneficial in my recovery process. I do suggest that especially early in recovery you consider speaking to a mental health professional to discuss your options for your depression.
Take care and remember that alcohol is a depressant and ultimately causes our depression to worsen over time.
When I stopped drinking what started happening is I slowly started finding who I really am. It has been a process and still is after 10 years. I have had to seek help for my depression and PTSD outside of the program of recovery I use to stop drinking. I learned my depression was not because of the current things that were going on in my life but rather a chemical depression that developed over the years where my brain no longer produced enough of the chemicals that keep depression at bay. Today I take the medications that are supposed to help and for the most part they do although since I am also bipolar I do have periods where the depression is almost too much to bear. I also am in therapy which although it has brought up some things that leave me feeling a bit raw with emotions, it has been beneficial in my recovery process. I do suggest that especially early in recovery you consider speaking to a mental health professional to discuss your options for your depression.
Take care and remember that alcohol is a depressant and ultimately causes our depression to worsen over time.
if alcohol is a depressant, why does it make you feel better?
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Eventually alcohol will stop working and the depression, lack of confidence, and social anxiety will return it is just a matter of time. I don't know why it works for a period of time. My thoughts on it are that alcohol affects the brain and brain chemicals and over time damages those brain chemicals and their processes to a point that they can not make those connections and the alcohol no longer can produce the "high" it did. But that is just my suspicion and I have no proof to back it up.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm not sure alcohol ever actually made me feel better. I think it made me think I felt better. Until the next day of course. Then I had to attempt to face reality once again. So I drank.
I did that for a long time. It was a horrible, vicious cycle.
Cool thing is, I don't have to anymore.
I still suffer from depression but it's manageable now. ADs don't work while on alcohol.
I've been sober nearly three years now and even though I have my days and things are far from perfect ... I've never been happier.
I did that for a long time. It was a horrible, vicious cycle.
Cool thing is, I don't have to anymore.
I still suffer from depression but it's manageable now. ADs don't work while on alcohol.
I've been sober nearly three years now and even though I have my days and things are far from perfect ... I've never been happier.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by liquid
so i started drinking when i was about 15-16, because i couldnt pick up any weed. i started smoking weed when i was 9-10ish.
yup, the moment i touch a substance i will be hooked, been addicted to almost everything with exception to heroin.But drink was the one that stuck, i just cant get rid of this demon. I have been get high or drunk every day for over half of my life.
and i know why...
I was beaten pretty bad by all three of my mums BFs when i was growing up. punched, kicked, thrown down stairs and locked in rooms.... i didnt have much social confidence after all that. so i found that drugs/alc worked and gave me the confidnce i needed to get by. it was fake but it was working. but it eventually made me more depressed than i was
im rambling a bit here sorry :/ ill get to the point...
when i have quit drinking, will i still be who i am today or will i be someone else... if that makes sense?
yup, the moment i touch a substance i will be hooked, been addicted to almost everything with exception to heroin.But drink was the one that stuck, i just cant get rid of this demon. I have been get high or drunk every day for over half of my life.
and i know why...
I was beaten pretty bad by all three of my mums BFs when i was growing up. punched, kicked, thrown down stairs and locked in rooms.... i didnt have much social confidence after all that. so i found that drugs/alc worked and gave me the confidnce i needed to get by. it was fake but it was working. but it eventually made me more depressed than i was
im rambling a bit here sorry :/ ill get to the point...
when i have quit drinking, will i still be who i am today or will i be someone else... if that makes sense?
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Oh I am so angry right now. I just lost a very long, intimate response to you. First of all I am so very sorry you endured childhood abuse. Sadly, I think too many of us can relate, including me. I went thru 15 years of incest at the hands of my pos "father" and emotional/physical abuse - every single day. Every single sick, vial, disgusting sh!t you can think of. Childhood abuse at ANY level is damaging in ways we cannot always see. So *big hugs* for you for rising above that crap. It alters our futures for some of us. Mine turned into not caring about college and I became a street junkie addicted to H for years. The abuse left me with complex PTSD that I am still struggling with 11 years later. The abuse destroyed my self esteem and I hated myself. Then again, I hated myself long before the abuse ended. I developed eating disorders and began cutting/burning. So my drug addicted was festering long before I was actively using.
After I conquered heroin, I quickly moved onto alcohol and then alcohol with pills. At first, I thought I found such a great escape. As my tolerance grew at great levels, it was no longer behind the inspiration to write poetry...it became evil. It became the devil that I just couldn't shake. I drank just to maintain some kind of sanity. Years later I ended up with a DUI. 2 years into the drinking I was mixing pain pills and benzos. I got out of jail and what do I do? Still pop pills. I am ashamed that the tail end of this mess, I had my baby girl who was still so little.
Now I am recovering but struggling from a full blown addiction to pain pills.
Anyways, enough of my pointless crazy rambling. Onto your question. When you quit drinking, you may not like the person are at first. It might take some work. In my case, it's taken a lot of work. I already struggle with self hatred on a deep level and am Bipolar which already gives me more depression. When I quit drinking, I hated the sober me. I was always bored. Drinking made me depressed, so did quitting. That is just my experience. I suggest you have face to face support when you do quit, it could be quite beneficial. SR has also proven to be an incredible support. On top of having a dr. you can turn to. They can advise you on quitting,etc. I was just addressing the other parts of it.
I am sorry I have rambled on and on but I hope you got something out of this mess.
x
Jess
After I conquered heroin, I quickly moved onto alcohol and then alcohol with pills. At first, I thought I found such a great escape. As my tolerance grew at great levels, it was no longer behind the inspiration to write poetry...it became evil. It became the devil that I just couldn't shake. I drank just to maintain some kind of sanity. Years later I ended up with a DUI. 2 years into the drinking I was mixing pain pills and benzos. I got out of jail and what do I do? Still pop pills. I am ashamed that the tail end of this mess, I had my baby girl who was still so little.
Now I am recovering but struggling from a full blown addiction to pain pills.
Anyways, enough of my pointless crazy rambling. Onto your question. When you quit drinking, you may not like the person are at first. It might take some work. In my case, it's taken a lot of work. I already struggle with self hatred on a deep level and am Bipolar which already gives me more depression. When I quit drinking, I hated the sober me. I was always bored. Drinking made me depressed, so did quitting. That is just my experience. I suggest you have face to face support when you do quit, it could be quite beneficial. SR has also proven to be an incredible support. On top of having a dr. you can turn to. They can advise you on quitting,etc. I was just addressing the other parts of it.
I am sorry I have rambled on and on but I hope you got something out of this mess.
x
Jess
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by iliveforyou
Anyways, enough of my pointless crazy rambling. Onto your question. When you quit drinking, you may not like the person are at first. It might take some work.
x
Jess
x
Jess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: LaanDaan
Posts: 44
@Jess
Im so damn sorry you had to go through all that ((((hug)))) you went through so much hardship that most people would not have got as far as you have so far. Your obv an incredibly strong person, even if you dont realise it.
Cuts and bruises heal with in weeks, but the mind can take longer than a lifetime to get over trauma. i feel that what i went through has left me in a bad way, but it has left me with one very useful trait... no one can hurt me.
im glad your on the right track now and your sorting it out, for yourself and for your daughter.
I have a daughter too, shes 3 years this Nov. she is the MAIN reason i want to give up drinking (and smoking, but one thing at a time lol). although i never drink around her, i feel like **** in the morning and cant give her the attention she needs... and the thought of her becoming another attention deprived child kills me. so i force myself to do fun stuff with her... but it hard to keep on the ball with pounding hangover everyday, trying to hold on long enough to not cure it with more booze.
She a good, happy kid and so far she is doing great at everything. but its only a matter of time before i let the team down by doing something stupid and ending up arrested again (this time i will face a jail sentence)
when she was born i gave up taking drugs on a regular basis. i still do coke, MDMA, pills and ket every so often at partys/raves, but maybe once every few months... and minuscule amounts. i miss being high.... happy.
escapism..... *sigh*
Im so damn sorry you had to go through all that ((((hug)))) you went through so much hardship that most people would not have got as far as you have so far. Your obv an incredibly strong person, even if you dont realise it.
Cuts and bruises heal with in weeks, but the mind can take longer than a lifetime to get over trauma. i feel that what i went through has left me in a bad way, but it has left me with one very useful trait... no one can hurt me.
im glad your on the right track now and your sorting it out, for yourself and for your daughter.
I have a daughter too, shes 3 years this Nov. she is the MAIN reason i want to give up drinking (and smoking, but one thing at a time lol). although i never drink around her, i feel like **** in the morning and cant give her the attention she needs... and the thought of her becoming another attention deprived child kills me. so i force myself to do fun stuff with her... but it hard to keep on the ball with pounding hangover everyday, trying to hold on long enough to not cure it with more booze.
She a good, happy kid and so far she is doing great at everything. but its only a matter of time before i let the team down by doing something stupid and ending up arrested again (this time i will face a jail sentence)
when she was born i gave up taking drugs on a regular basis. i still do coke, MDMA, pills and ket every so often at partys/raves, but maybe once every few months... and minuscule amounts. i miss being high.... happy.
escapism..... *sigh*
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
