checkmate1

Do people see how hard I try to please everyone? Do people really understand mental health issues affecting affecting us today? From when I was 18 and had a pyschotic episode I feel I have always been expected to be doing this? Doing that?

Truth is I'm not doing much at all. I've lived and done it all from drugs to alcoholism from psychiatric units to drinking alone in the park in the rain. I have been so beaten down that I didn't think there was light at the other side of the tunnel.

I've woken up on days and thought should I even bother getting up today. I haven't worked in 6 years I was 24 when this happened I have felt like an outsider an outcast all my life. I never tell everyone everything but if all the people I know got together it would be a bloody insightful night.

I have been diagnosed with social anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, generalised anxiety disorder. Do people miss the real person that exists after mental illness. I struggle everyday with the reality of my own choices and the drugs and alcohol I used that nearly destroyed this life.

My gift of friendship to a person is stronger than anyone could possibly imagine that I would be there no matter what. If 100 people were coming to get you I would be the one that would stand beside you as an allie I would like that to be the same for me.

I have no interest in world affairs I couldn't give a ****. You need help renovating your house or need a knew door I am not your man if you want someone to listen and in need of guidance I can help you with that. I have no real interest in the real world. I only care about a few things in life my friends, my family and my music.

I hate that I have been judged by my peers. I love the ocean and would love to live at the beach and surf everyday it gives me a special feeling being in the water catching a wave.

I put women up on a pedastool and although I love them to bits have no idea how to pick them up properly at bars and clubs that's probably why I spend so much time in pubs and clubs even now that I'm sober.

All I want in life is to find a good woman and just let the rest roll. I'm a straight up punk rocker and am against everything but as I have aged I've softened up a bit but its all good.

I'm happy just being here and living I can't live up to expectations never could. Somedays I get nothing done except get through the day. I feel I've let my parents down so much, if only they understood how much I love them and how much I aim to please but can't.

Noone knows what it's been like to be me these last 12 years. I have had few ups and many downs. Some almost down and out moments. I've been numb, I've escaped reality. I even had a nervous breakdown after a failed relationship that left all my body aching literally. I would wake up in pain. Was told to clear my mind by one doctor and been told how are you supposed to clear your mind by another.

I am me I choose to live sober today. I am not perfect. I chose to live this way for the last 95 days. I am a good person. I still have hopes and dreams. I hurt and feel pain but doing it alot better these days. I have learned to cope without a crutch well almost I smoke ciggarette's. I will never drink or drug again in this lifetime. I hate it. I will continue to live this life and seek the answers I want. I will be happy. I will take this recovery and run with it and not look back as it is mine and I deserve it.

northbelle

Well I don't know about other folks...but yes I CARE! I have total respect for anyone that has mental challenges along with addiction who is working to stay sober! I am around folks all day with severe symtoms and it is truly heartbreaking to me.. When I drive down the highway I see those folks (my people) sleeping alongside highways covered with a tarp in the morning because there are no housing options for them..
I have had my own struggles and been homeless so I come from a place of understanding. Not everyone does understand nor do they want to.
But WE care and we can make a huge difference by carrying our experience to others. Hey , there is a spot for eveyone . Straight up punk rockers are welcome too!! CELEBRATE the fact that you have 95 days!! SO COOL!!! Many cannot even get 1 day !!
I am so grateful today that I get the chance to do this life at all....pass on your recovery to someone else who needs your help..and believe me there are many!
Not sure what your "spiritual" belief is but maybe put up a few prayers for a little help from some "higher power". See what happens ..can't hurt..might help!!!
The pain of lost relationships is something I am getting pretty USED to myself!! I have always had a hard time with with affairs of the heart. I wake up alone and go to sleep alone and I never thought I would be alone at this point in my life..I thought love was forever and come to find out ...we have to learn to say goodbye ..because everyone leaves eventually! I am pretty negative on that topic topic but the fantasy I had for 30 years was exactly that..a fantasy ..I have love in my life today from other people in recovery that fills that spot for me...
Really glad to read your story this morning here on a gloomy...summer ..alaskan morning...NOTHING is more beautiful than this 49th state in the summer!
Thanks for sharing!
love norty

checkmate1

Hey norty was having some strong emotions and feeling crappy while writing this didn't feel the same way after I wrote it but thought I'd post it anyway. Yeah I feel grateful for giving myself the opportunity to live a better life. The fact that some people can't make 1 day is terrible. As for the matters of the heart I know one day it will click for me with someone and that keeps me going. As for the higher power maybe the waves as they come into the shore is mine as it is nature in its purest form don't know if that makes sense anyway thanks for your response.

FT

Hi checkmate1,

I wanted to throw an answer your way before I check out for the night.

Just remember that when people judge you they may be "assessing" your ability to fit in and be just like everybody else on the planet. That may not be right or fair, but it is the status quo in our society.

You are self described as a different and unique personality, if I read your post correctly. When that is so, it is difficult to figure out who your "peers" even are. Peers can be defined in so many different way -- people the same age? people of the same profession? people of the same political party? (ha!) people of the same income strata? (double ha!)

My point is, before you value peer judgment, be careful how you define yourself.

To me, you sound like an intelligent, thoughtful, and probably artistic guy. If you are a straight up punk rocker, then you have already set yourself apart and invited scrutiny by anyone else not so described! You well know what I mean! There is NO reason why you can't be a straight up punk rocker and still be a law abiding, self supporting, cool individual, despite what some people who don't like punk rockers might think!

Me, I love diversity. I value your choice of lifestyle, especially hearing how you've taken responsibility for your life the way you have.

My main suggestion is to stop looking for women in bars. All you are going to find there is women who hang out in bars. Hey, you love the ocean. Figure out whatever else it is you love, and go those places, do those things, develop a life around them. If you do that, you will be sure to have found the woman who also loves those things, and who may want to have a life with you because you share those things in common.

You write so well, you might consider writing, blogging, whatever. Maybe you write music. Poetry maybe.

Like you said, you gotta seize life, seize this recovery and run with it like you mean it. It sounds to me like you've got a good grasp and a good start on that.

FT

checkmate1

thanks FT i think you may be onto something when you said-

Hey, you love the ocean. Figure out whatever else it is you love, and go those places, do those things, develop a life around them. If you do that, you will be sure to have found the woman who also loves those things, and who may want to have a life with you because you share those things in common.

I have wanted to do a summer down at the beach but because of the anxiety and agoraphobia I haven't been able to travel at all which is depressing I feel really restricted. Since getting sober I have gained enough confidence to drive my car again I'm doing 30 minute trips now no problem. I only started driving my car again in the last 2 months and am improving all the time. My anxiety and agoraphobia problem are much better now that I'm sober so i want to travel and go to the beach badly.

I stopped driving for 6 years after my mental health deterioted so badly it left me housebound and to anxious to drive. I am 2 1/2 hour drive from the beach I want to be able to drive down there, surf and be free there isn't many things I have real interest in except for music and surfing so it would be a big deal if I could make it down there this summer it could be a life changing experience for me this idea has kept me going through the years and kept me wanting to improve in my driving etc so I can make a real go of it and live the dream. I might go down there and never come back lol you never know.