ADaisyifyoudo

I am trying to go through my inventory and honestly am really struggling. I only have a few, but they're huge. And going through this all is just making me feel worse.

Example: I resent my mom for making me feel inadequate, for always asking what more I could do and never being satisfied with what I did, or always pointing out someone that was better than me. When I graduated from Wharton with distinction (the equivalent of honors) with an MBA she spent 20 minutes at my graduation dinner telling me about how wonderful the son of the woman she sat next to during the ceremony was, all the wonderful things he had done (that I hadn't accomplished).

OK, so boo-hoo for poor me. It affects my self-esteem, pride, etc. I get that. What I don't get is, where was I to blame? Just for being fearful that I wasn't good enough? For worrying that she would stop loving me if I didn't push harder and harder? My biggest fault was letting that set the bar for my expectations of myself so high that I couldn't possibly measure up, and then of course holding everyone else to those same expectations. It drives all the rest of the resentments.

Confused.

PaperDolls

It is possible to have resentments that you did not play a part in.

Eddiebuckle

Daisy,

I know how you feel. During my fourth step I began to get overwhelmed - I couldn't see the point in doing the inventory or what use it had other than to make me relive stuff I would rather have left buried and (somewhat) forgotten.

I am in AA but at my sponsors suggestion I also read NA's big book as it is more contemporary and generally has more explanations to what, how and why each step is taken. From pg 27 of Narcotics Anonymous:

"The purpose of a searching and fearless moral inventory is to sort through the confusion and the contradiction of our lives, so that we can find out who we really are. We are starting a new way of life and need to be rid of the burdens and traps that controlled us and prevented our growth."

I found that truly doing a searching and fearless inventory allowed me to see what I had done in a new light. Some things were not quite as bad as I originally thought, other more subtle things I came to see as things I wanted to never repeat again. It's all part of the process, and it does take time to sort it all out and come to a place where you can objectively look at the past.

One last thing - this is an inventory. This step is not about making amends or making judgment as to what is or isn't your "fault." Just put it all on paper - that stuff is for later.

Good luck, this is important stuff you're working on. Give yourself credit when you do this as intended - most of the "normal" population never has the balls to do anything like this. Do it like your life depends on it, because it does.

CarolD

How sad for your Mom...to have lived with such a negetive outlook.. of course you were harmed by this too...

To deal with personal resentments...I suggest page 552...it's worked well for me.

Congratulations on your successes.....that's awesome...

Kjell

Hi Daisy-

Excellent questions and normal feelings.

My experience with my step 4 was that it made me feel worse, yes worse. Now, I had this big pile of crap, that was me, and I couldn't hide from it any longer.

Looking, honestly, at who we are and what drove us to drink and act the way we did, is vital to our recovery.

Have faith that the steps are in order for a reason. Relief, at least for me, was farther up the steps.

...and where we're you to blame? Well, how long ago was that? ...and you're still mad? How long have you been holding on to that? If you were honest with your mother earlier about this, would if have helped your relationship going forward?

Just something to think about and I'm in no way judging you.

I also noticed, and I don't believe this is one of those, but once I read some of my resentments outload, to my sponsor during step 5, well, most of my "resentements and fears" seemed pretty silly.

I was then ready to get on with the rest of the steps and my recovery.

Something tells me you will be too

Keep up the good work.

Kjell~

BadCompany

You might not be to blame for this at all, but there is fallout that you need to clean up like this below;

This is going to make a mess of your personal relationships.

Another thing to look for here is what did you do? Did you passively rebel? Did you retaliate in some way? This is also something you want to look for. Not all of this is tit for tat or what we somehow egged others into doing, it is just "what did we do".

Tommyh

in column 3 we need to identify the fear beneath the resentment like the big book example,name it by name,write it out



here are the column 4 questions my sponsor had me answer for each resentment
(I write out my answers briefly)
where was I:

1.Selfish:What did I want?

2.Dishonest:
what was the lie I told myself?
What would I not get or receive?

I thought _________________
I told myself_____________________
I pretended____________________

3.self seeking:
What did I do to get what I wanted?
How did I manipulate?


4.frightened:
What was I afraid of?
What was the fear/(name it by name )
What might I lose or not get?

you may not have a answer for each question,do the best you can,it is not a test,just a life saving,fact finding mission you re on,and I hope you pray for guidance first before each writing

Tommyh

after column 3, I prayed the "sick mans prayer from chapter 5 of the big book " for each resentment before going to column 4


then,and only then,could I proceed to column 4

here are the column 4 questions my sponsor had me answer for each resentment

(I write out my answers briefly)
where was I:

1.Selfish ( my motives):What did I want?

2.Dishonest:
what was the lie I told myself?
What would I not get or receive?

I thought _________________
I told myself_____________________
I pretended____________________

3.self seeking (my actions):
What did I do to get what I wanted?
How did I manipulate?


4.frightened:
What was I afraid of?
What was the fear?(name it by name )
What might I lose or not get?

we may not have a answer for each question,we do the best we can,it is not a test,just a life saving,fact finding mission we are on,and I hope you pray for guidance first before each writing

for we are now in the business of trusting and relying in God...to show us the truth,the facts...to show us what He thinks we need to see



Just for being fearful that I wasn't good enough? For worrying that she would stop loving me if I didn't push harder and harder? My biggest fault was letting that set the bar for my expectations of myself so high that I couldn't possibly measure up, and then of course holding everyone else to those same expectations.

that,Daisyifyoudo,if what the big book means when they say,the people and the world really dominated us...

you lost you way back then when you changed your life to "meet others expectations" just like I did,or what we thought was their expectations.

Tommyh

excuse my double post pls

keithj

bballdad's post is good direction. One the most useful tools I've ever seen for jumping that hurdle of justifying my resentment and seeing the truth about my actions is that realization in the prayer. We realized they, LIKE OURSELVES, were perhaps spiritually sick.

Realization:
Have I ever done the same thing (that I'm resentful about), or something similar, to that person or any other person?

This little bit helps me see that I do the same things I'm ticked about. I become part of the world, another human being in the while big picture, instead of apart from it.

Then I can move into 'where have I been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, or afraid. I can't seem to put out my mind entirely the wrong doing of others until I see that I do the same things.

Tommyh

keith,
Realization:
Have I ever done the same thing (that I'm resentful about), or something similar, to that person or any other person?
Think i will add the realization to my inventory process
tks

DayTrader

agreed.

prior to column 4 we're instructed to DISREGARD what the other person did to us completely...... (Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done) We're asked to look back over that relationship and search for "our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" We are not looking for "our part" at any time.....remember.....we were just told to disregard what the other person did, completely.

We're looking back over our history with that person (or institution, or principle) and searching for where we, at ANY time, exhibited selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking or fear. That's it.....

So, for this deal with your mom.....in column 4......you start listing out any times you did any one of those four things.....ever......to her.

......the tricky part is step 5 asks us to admit our "exact nature"........these are quite a bit deeper than just "what you did" and I'm not going to get into it (I've added it as a 5th column on my fourth step but usually need help in identifying them because I'm usually asleep to them and/or delusional about them. This is where doing this step with an experienced sponsor is a MUST.

Remember, on page 62.....before we started writing, they told us:
Selfishness - self-centeredness, that we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot though he usually doesn't think so.


Now, lemme re-type that with some "helpers" in there to maybe make it come a little more into focus:

Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self-pity, (column 4)
we step on the toes (column 4)
of our fellows (column 1 ppl)
and they retaliate. (column 2)
Sometimes they hurt us, (column 3)
at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self (column 4)

which later placed us in a position to be hurt --> So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.

The resentment is yours....it's not the other persons. To just "look for my part" implies that I played a part in it......but so did the other person. That's false, in my experience. If they play a part in MY resentments, 1......im screwed - because now I have to get them to change to get free. 2......ppl can't MAKE me "think" something......I have to choose to think it - it's all on me. 3........ I've gotten past some pretty big resentments and not only did the other person/institution NOT change....they actually got worse!

Thank GOD......everything that's bugging me....everything that's bothering me......every trouble I personally have ---- they're ALL of MY OWN making. That being so, only I have to change.........and I've got a shot at that one.

Tommyh

some of my resentments had "imagined harms"
the people I had a resentment against ,in reality,did nothing to me
I was a heck of a lot sicker than I thought

twilli59

Expectations and unrealistic demands were the core issue for me. Trying to fill the hole - the Big Book talks about instincts out of whack. I had trouble recognizing and then moving through this until I had the right sponsor and had truly surrendered in 1, 2 and 3. Until I did that, my ego was too self-centered and fearful to see the truth - my Higher Power was still being blocked by my lack of faith, creating more chaos - which is what I do on my own.

CaiHong

Yes Keith,
I thought BBalldad's post so useful that I tried to print it out, it wouldn't for some reason.
I will copy it out longhand.

sugarbear1

Your mom sounds like my dad. He is an alkie who doesn't, to this day, acknowledge it.

Why aren't you calling your sponsor/spiritual advisor? They're necessary now. I'm assuming you are working with one and not sponsoring yourself.

Best wishes! I thought I was a victim, too.

AdanteFornax

I'm at step 4 now. It's tough on ones own. I need a sponsor to guide me though all this. Someone that's been there before me. The BB does seem to be very complicated in this step

Taking5

Adante,

Can you not get a sponsor at your local AA meeting?

whosetoblame

Sounds like a little bit of codependency. Maybe if you look at how that works it will help you do the 4 step without feeling anyone is to blame.

sugarbear1

I couldn't see my behavior without my sponsor's help. This came in the 5th step for me. We had a lengthy discussion and this is where I found My Behavior/My Part. It's not about blaming anyone, it's about honestly seeing our part!

Please work with your sponsor!!!! That 5th step is crucial, which is why I chose to share mine with my sponsor!!!!