oxyious

or for those of you that drink... taking a sip and spitting it out.

All the same.

It's weakness, but is it relapsing?

Close call over here. Do I have to say that I start over again today? I spit it out while it was still in whole pill format. I got nothing from it. I found it when I was looking under my couch for my storage room keys.

dreamscape

I would say no, but just dont do it again if you find another

how much clean time did you have?

billsaintjames

The opinions of what constitutes a relapse can be insanely contradictory.

That said, physically speaking, you did nothing to your body that is going to set your progress back. Actually, I would look at this as a positive sign. You are clearly making progress if you literally had a pill in your mouth and you didn't swallow it.

Now, I would take a look at what lead to you putting the pill in your mouth. Think about what was going through your head. Write about it. Internalize it. Move forward, and learn from this. And congrats on not swallowing the pill!

Dee74

Whether you call it a relapse or not is really down to you...I call it a close call...

I'd be looking at what I have been doing for my recovery and thinking about things to add to it and ways to shore that recovery up....you're obviously a little vulnerable right now.

What have you been doing for your recovery so far oxyious?
D

mikefreak

By the skin of your teeth, NO.

eaglette

no, but you're not far off

oxyious

close call indeed, for right now, since I'm a baby... I made sure (or thought I did) that every pill, pill bottle, pill holder.... down the toilet. I didn't expect to see the little blue "piece of evil". It was in my mouth such a short period of time that you could still see the score mark on it when I spat it out. I've been clean since 3 days before Memorial Day.

Maybe it was my screwed up sleep. At 645p today, I hit being awake for 24 hours and thats when I start to get stupid an lose my common sense. (If you read my other thread, I was forcing myself to stay awake today so I didn't get in to a vicious day-sleeper cycle. I think I should go to bed and re-evaluate in the morning. When I'm sleep deprived I start having myoclonic jerks, in rare instances--seizures and overall poor health. Even if I only get a few hours of sleep, it's better than being up for 28 hours straight, which it currently is at 11:20pm.

I will touch on this tomorrow for sure. I'm off to bed.

Don't go looking under your furniture tonight people

Edit: Clearly I didn't flush bottles down the toilet, the pills went down and I soaked the labels off the pill bottles and threw them in my sewing kit to sort my pins/buttons/snap backs with. (the bottle with no label is tupperware to me, with the label on, it's a trigger so I remove them if I plan to use them for other stuff. BUT that sounds like something I'd do, stand over the toilet with a plunger trying to flush bottles. For those of you shaking your heads, the RX bottles are triangular and cobalt blue, they don't look like standard script bottles, they look like fancy sample mustard jars. I'm not trying to torture myself. I DO toss out the A-typical orange tubular/tall ones.

THANK GOD I DID NOT CHEW OR SWALLOW... THANK CARL, THANK GRANDPA, THANK WHOEVER WAS LOOKIN' AFTER ME.

sonic

I'd call it 'playing with fire' The first time I tried to quit, I played the; "well if I keep the pills instead of flushing them, I'll just prove how much power I have over them and that I'm really done with them." I think it was 20 minutes later and I was cutting lines on a mirror. This last time, I made sure there wasn't a drug within reach, and so far I've been 100% sober. Granted, it's only been 14 days, but I'm confident I'll be ok. It's hard enough dealing with all of the, what I call, "drug lies" that are swirling around in my head during recovery; it's twice as hard if those drugs are sitting right next to me. Food for thought.

oxyious

I hear you about trying to reason with yourself to keep them. I've never lasted more than an hour with the actual product laying around. I have my RX's filled at 2 different pharmacies because one doesn't is cheaper for 2 medications.... I can't even (prefer not to) keep those old fashion orange bottles around, even if something non-narcotic came in it. I get my scripts for my anti-convulsants, anti depressants and cholesterol and I put them different containers and just shove the paper tab with rx info inside the jars. (I KNOW, it sounds dumb, but I'm still so new to, this I was trying to avoid anything that would remind me until I strengthen my resolve.) I even switched over from vitamin tablets to gummy bear vitamins (those are quite yummy anyhow).

Well, it's 4am, I slept for 4 hours, so I'm back on track with being an insomniac

hopeful8523

Well I can say this. You're a much MUCH stronger person than I am! If I came across one of those little blues, ahh it would be so bad so good for you!!! That took some willpower for sure.

No sleep for me either. It's wearing me out both physically & mentally. When I finally do fall asleep around 7am, I am woken up too soon by the phone, or the dog, or today it was my stepdad weed eating outside my window at 10am

stugotz

I think Bill Clinton did that once, or was that Monica.....

oxyious

I apologize, I'm slow on the uptake this morning. ?

billsaintjames

Bill Clinton smoked weed but "didn't inhale". Monica Lewinsky performed sexual favors for Mr. Clinton...

thejuiceman

I call it a drop in will power and then an enormous surge of will power. Good job, but keep ur will power up and stay away completely.

Mark75

Early recovery sucks, it just does... I remember coming upon a pill while cleaning my closet... It was, unsettling, You done good... You spit it out... Now while you are strong... Look for them everywhere and get rid of them.

oxyious

Well, I'm not going to wave around my pride flag just yet. Later that night after I spat out and disposed of the pill, I got a surge of "drug seeking behavior" looking for one I actually intended to take. Luckily-- found nothing. And thankfully the thought of booking an appointment with my Neurologist to get a whole months worth is still a NON-option for me. (I could do it, I just won't).

If I can't take things one day at a time, I take them one hour at a time.

Aysha

Relapse starts long before you ever use. It is a behavior..a thought..IMO and in my own experience. I dont need to actually use to relapse. I can go hang with the same people in the same places and do the same crap and never touch the drugs and get the ball rolling and that to me is relapsing. Just as addiciton is progressive, so is relapsing and recovery. But thats just me. Everyones opinions are different.

FNB3

Well said. It all starts with the "stinkin' thinkin'". It wasn't until being physically forced to use drugs, because of medical necessity, that this concept was completely clear. The problems have very little to do with the chemicals themselves. They are but a means to temporary relief. I think in general, a lot of us put too much emphasis and attention on DOC's and not enough on why we feel bad.

That said, I'd rather have the "thought relapse" than an actual one, however blurred the lines between them can be. There are usually less consequences there too. Just have to keep telling myself that I'll never be perfect, stay positive and current and do my best to accept "just ok".

tsmba

Depends what the meaning of "is" is. Sorry, couldn't resist.

I don't think any of us can judge what constitutes a relapse or slip for another. Our opinion doesn't matter. Whatever you choose to see it as...I hope you take notice and thank whatever HP you have!!

tooshytoscream

That's not a relapse if you didn't get anything from it.